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Ok, probably more of a people question. The doula I had last time I am not sure if I made her upset at some point, or if she's just busy and I've 'fallen off' her list of friends/acquaintances, or what. I would like to have her as my doula again (provided she and thus we both are comfortable with the idea [ie she's not upset with me over something]) but I'm not sure how to approach the subject. My calls (few, over a year or so, and just for saying hi, chatting) have gone unreturned. I'm not one to keep calling, as I take any little thing as a sign that I am irritating the other person; I don't ever want to be the pest who just won't take a hint, KWIM? I am concerned that if I call and leave a message asking her to be my doula that she'll feel obligated- not wanting to, but feeling she 'has to'.

It was wonderful having her help me last time. I think she is a wonderful and delightful person and I enjoy spending time with her (even in the midst of transition lol). DH and MW were occupied with setting up the pool last time, so her attention to me was invaluable. This time I have a tub and won't need the pool, so maybe DH could fulfill the doula role more. But I am concerned that if I count on that, that I'll birth during the day when the DC are up and DH will be dealing with them more than me. And DH and I agree that men are just not doula-types, so he's not my first pick for birth attendant
. I'm not sure how much 'doula-ing' my MW and/or her assistant usually do during births. If I could rely on them for backrubs or whatever, or if they prefer to not be quite so hands on. I need to ask that at my next appointment.

In general, WWYD? Keep calling? Or just assume I've been given the brush-off and quietly go away? Shop around for another doula? Just figure I can have my homebirth without a doula? (I know DH would rather I not spend any money on one, so zero doula would be his choice.)

And on a similar sad note, last time a relative came and was my postpartum doula for a week. It was glorious to be so spoiled; her help really added to the whole perfection of my last birth. It seems somehow I've done the same with her as with my doula, as our relationship has drastically changed on her part and I've taken the hint. She hasn't breathed a word about visiting or helping this time around, so I'm not holding my breath that she will offer.


My DH teases me saying I take too much personally, that he's sure it isn't anything I've done, but some issue with the other people in their own lives.
A part of me also says to just let down my defenses, stop trying to figure out what the others are thinking (chances are I'm wrong, right?lol!), and ask for their help. Whatever responses I get, at least I will have some answers. Maybe, in the case of the relative, she's waiting for me to ask her, assuming that if I valued her help last time that I'll ask this time...

Advice?
 

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Hi,
I would check to see if she has an alternate contact number/email and try that if it's been awhile since you called her. Either way I'd leave one more message letting her know how you feel- that at this point if she can't call you back by so and so day that you will start contacting other doulas, but you totally prefer that she would be there for you instead of someone else. Then if she doesn't call back, at least you know you gave it your best shot.

Sorry this is happening to you! I hope you find some solace in your decision. I personally couldn't imagine what my birth would be like without a good doula at my side, but there are a lot of factors going into that decision for me.

Depending on what area you live in, I'd try to decide soon if I were you. I know some doulas in certain areas of the country book up quickly while others don't.

Good luck,
Rachelle
 

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ITA with Rachelle. Give her a call & let her know you're pg again & would love to have her at this birth as well but feel like maybe there's some issues between you two that need to be resolved first. Tell her how valuable she was at your last birth & express how you feel about her. If she's miffed about something, sometimes all it takes is for the other person to let you know how they truely feel about you to have a change of heart. At least it's that way for me....I'm a bit of a softie, though.


As for the relative situation, call her & do the same thing. She may just not be able to help you out at that time or is unsure about it due to other circumstances. Don't just assume it's you she has a problem with. If you love her & value her you won't let her go that easy, iykwim. And I'm sure you do....it's SO much better when things are out in the open, even if they aren't ideal. This is coming from a very non-confrontational person. It's such a hard thing to do but it needs to be done.

I wish you luck! If all else fails, start interviewing more doula's. Maybe you'll find another you love just as much as your last (maybe even more
).

Shannon
 
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