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<p>My husband informed me earlier this month that he is leaving us. He is not only leaving us, but he has decided that it would be better for the boys and for himself if he disappeared from our lives. He believes that the only options for him with the boys are for him to be in and out of their lives and emotionally unstable and unavailable or else not in their lives at all.</p>
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<p>I am so sad. I grew up with a Dad who was in and out when it was convenient (as did DP actually). I can't believe the same patterns are repeating. He refuses to get help for all that he has going on with him that causes him to be unable to maintain relationships with anyone... family, friends, partner, kids too apparently... He says that his Dad never changed, and he hasn't yet changed himself so he never will be able to. *sigh*</p>
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<p>I work really really hard not to repeat the same mistakes that I grew up with. Doing my own personal work as well as work with professionals to help me. I desperately didn't want my children to grow up with parents who were like my parents were. I feel like I've failed. I chose him and he fooled me and everyone else until he couldn't maintain it anymore and then it all fell apart. It's bringing up really painful memories from my own childhood and I am struggling with how to bring up these amazing beautiful boys and have them end up healthy and whole men who can make and maintain meaningful relationships with whomever they choose (I actually don't have anything tied to my children being partnered or having children... I support either choice 100%, but I'd like them to be successful partners and fathers if they do choose to be).</p>
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<p>*sigh* I am going to see my counsellor that we were seeing as a couple today. She has offered to help me work through my thoughts and feelings on this during this time of upheaval. I just am so disappointed and feel like a huge failure...</p>
 

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<p>oh mama, i'm so sorry you have to go through this, especially given your past experience.</p>
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<p>Perhaps it might change your perspective if you reminded yourself that your DP was also fooling himself into believing that he would "make it work" and avoid repeating past patterns. I don't believe that you should be pointing the finger at yourself, given that he was no doubt presenting a false image of himself....Perhaps he *wanted* to believe he wouldn't be like his own father. That certainly doesn't absolve him of anything and it definitely doesn't excuse him of the choice he's proposing to make. IMO the choice to cut all contact is made with him in mind and no one else.</p>
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<p>Sending you *hugs*.</p>
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<p>I dont have any advice.  but I had to post so you knew I read your story. </p>
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<p>Im so sorry.  Lots of hugs.  and definetly go to the counselor, with or without him. </p>
 

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<p>mama I so understand what you mean when you talk about father/abandonment issues. My father also disappeared from my life for over 8 years.</p>
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<p>Anyway, I think that is a part of why I've continued to stay in an abusive relationship, I didnt want to be alone again.</p>
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<p>(((((((hugs))))))))) You sound like your staying really strong and level headed despite what's happening.</p>
 

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<p>:Hugs</p>
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<p>I'm not dealing with the same parent issues as you, but I know how hard it when your partner doesn't want to work on themself and you have children involved. The idea of my family breaking up and the impact on my dd was the hardest part of my divorce to deal with.</p>
 

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<p>i'm sorry.  i also struggle with the ways that i've repeated the past (willingly/intentionally and unwillingly/unintentionally).  :hug</p>
 

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<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">
<p>My ex threatened this. Partly it was that he felt that awful about himself for real. Partly it was to manipulate me into feeling sorry for him (for feeling that badly) and into bending over a bit more. And to keep me in that place of terror (my kids wouldn't have a dad! We wouldn't have any money!) He didn't actually wind up disappearing, and he is doing much better these days.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Originally Posted by <strong>triscuitsmom</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1279724/dp-is-leaving-and-it-s-causing-all-sorts-of-triggering-feelings-for-me#post_16049545"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a><br>
 </p>
<p>My husband informed me earlier this month that he is leaving us. He is not only leaving us, but he has decided that it would be better for the boys and for himself if he disappeared from our lives. He believes that the only options for him with the boys are for him to be in and out of their lives and emotionally unstable and unavailable or else not in their lives at all.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I am so sad. I grew up with a Dad who was in and out when it was convenient (as did DP actually). I can't believe the same patterns are repeating. He refuses to get help for all that he has going on with him that causes him to be unable to maintain relationships with anyone... family, friends, partner, kids too apparently... He says that his Dad never changed, and he hasn't yet changed himself so he never will be able to. *sigh*</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I work really really hard not to repeat the same mistakes that I grew up with. Doing my own personal work as well as work with professionals to help me. I desperately didn't want my children to grow up with parents who were like my parents were. I feel like I've failed. I chose him and he fooled me and everyone else until he couldn't maintain it anymore and then it all fell apart. It's bringing up really painful memories from my own childhood and I am struggling with how to bring up these amazing beautiful boys and have them end up healthy and whole men who can make and maintain meaningful relationships with whomever they choose (I actually don't have anything tied to my children being partnered or having children... I support either choice 100%, but I'd like them to be successful partners and fathers if they do choose to be).</p>
<p> </p>
<p>*sigh* I am going to see my counsellor that we were seeing as a couple today. She has offered to help me work through my thoughts and feelings on this during this time of upheaval. I just am so disappointed and feel like a huge failure...</p>
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<p>How are you doing mama? Hope your doing well today <span><img alt="hug.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="width:22px;height:15px;"></span></p>
 
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