i have been unbelieveably impatient, punitive, downright mean and definitely verbally abusive to my dd lately. Not hitting, but the words i've said and tone of voice i've used lately are probably worse than hitting. I'm 90 percent loving GD mama, 10 percent devil spawn, wrecking every good thing I do. I see myself turning into my abusive mother. I clearly see the negative effects this is having on dd's self-esteem and she is pulling away from me, and yet I can't seem to stop myself. The problem is I just don't know when I'm going to flip out. Something that didn't bother me yesterday makes my brain explode today. I act too fast, I can't seem to catch myself. I can't stop and brea2the, or chant, or lock myself in a room - I just do the evil thing and then too late realize what I've done. Then I cry and apologize profusely - and this is also bad, because she sees me lose my sh*t in both directions and ends up comforting *me*.
The irony - I get a good amount of alone time, try to meditate/practice a little yoga or at least dance a little every day (but don't usually get very far). In general I have a lot of help with dd - several times a week I have MIL come to watch her or take her for the night. But I have incredible stress right now, and i'm in general a very high-anxiety person. For several years now I have been feeling overwhelmed and enraged most of the time. I have a sort of therapist but I need to find someone more suited to family stuff. I just need to talk about this. Please don't flame me, I hate myself so much right now. I can't even believe I just posted this, because I'm so ashamed. Thanks for listening.