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dr jekyll, mrs hyde

480 Views 5 Replies 5 Participants Last post by  BellinghamCrunchie
i have been unbelieveably impatient, punitive, downright mean and definitely verbally abusive to my dd lately. Not hitting, but the words i've said and tone of voice i've used lately are probably worse than hitting. I'm 90 percent loving GD mama, 10 percent devil spawn, wrecking every good thing I do. I see myself turning into my abusive mother. I clearly see the negative effects this is having on dd's self-esteem and she is pulling away from me, and yet I can't seem to stop myself. The problem is I just don't know when I'm going to flip out. Something that didn't bother me yesterday makes my brain explode today. I act too fast, I can't seem to catch myself. I can't stop and brea2the, or chant, or lock myself in a room - I just do the evil thing and then too late realize what I've done. Then I cry and apologize profusely - and this is also bad, because she sees me lose my sh*t in both directions and ends up comforting *me*.

The irony - I get a good amount of alone time, try to meditate/practice a little yoga or at least dance a little every day (but don't usually get very far). In general I have a lot of help with dd - several times a week I have MIL come to watch her or take her for the night. But I have incredible stress right now, and i'm in general a very high-anxiety person. For several years now I have been feeling overwhelmed and enraged most of the time. I have a sort of therapist but I need to find someone more suited to family stuff. I just need to talk about this. Please don't flame me, I hate myself so much right now. I can't even believe I just posted this, because I'm so ashamed. Thanks for listening.
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When I first came to the GD section, my problem was threatening (if you don't do this, we don't go there or if you say that one more time, I'll send you to your room) I came across this at the top- Handy little checklist - that I printed out and put on the fridge to remind myself that my kids don't have communication skills yet because I haven't taught them all they need to know so I have to check myself before I decide they are misbehaving instead of frustrated.
thanks - i remember that thread too. I appreciate that link, but I don't know if it would help me in the heta of the moment. I will hang it up and try it for a whjile. The thing is, it's not that I feel she is misbehaving, in many of these instances, although i definitely sometimes feel "she should know better!" like this morning - she should know better than to squirt water in my face as a way to wake me up. It was a joke. But come on, she should know better! This does not in my mind justify the mean outburst that ensued, but I clearly have a lower threshhold with her than with my 2 yo ds, because I am absolutely sure that he really doesn't know better! Anyway - no, it is not her behavior that i am concerned with - I know I should be digging deeper, watching her signals, helping her with her emotions, in short, being the adult who models responsible emotional behaviors and communication. But i've just fallen apart completely. she has been very angry and acting like a pre-teen for 3 years (due to many family factors and partly I think just her nature) and I've been trying everything to help her find her path - and I can't seem to identify what she needs. So i am completely frustrated on top of exhausted, sad, etc.
thanks again for your ideas.
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First of all, I think you are very brave to be so honest.

I'm sorry you're feeling so badly and having these issues...I know its very VERY hard because I've been there myself. I don't have any actual advice...for me it seems to be hormonally related and if I find myself there again i will even consider going on medication for it if i have to. I usually steer clear of meds but really, what matters most to me is my children.

I will say that the other thing I've tried that has helped a lot is acupuncture...i went in saying i was having a strange anger/frustration problem, esp before my period (never had this issue before giving birth) and the treatments they gave really helped me.
I feel so bad. Really truly awful,Today I found a cabbage patch doll unopened in the closet, I occasionally put toys away from birthdays,christmas to have when they are older and more age appropriate, I give my daughter the doll, she was SO excited she screamed. a few mins later she runs in the kitchen with purple nail polish and says, will you paint my nails, and i said not right this second, when im done with this (dishes) i took the bottle and set it on the counter and finished up, the little sneak must have grabbed the bottle after i set it down and went in the other room and all I could smell is nail polish, i find her in the living room painting the doll and herself. she is 3, I YELLED WHAT DID YOU DO JULIANA? she starts crying, I tell her to go to the bathroom, I get the remover and begin to take it off her and the doll, I again YELLED WHY DID YOU DO THAT? and she kept crying, she ran into her room and continued to cry and I said IM ReALLY SAD YOU RUINED YOUR DOLL.....I went in my room to cool off for a min and then I went into her room and she was sobbing in my lap and said mommy i just wanted to make her beautiful like you. (i never wear nail polish lol) but I started crying telling her i was so sorry to yell at her, i didnt know....she said its okay mommy, and i told her i wasnt upset at her I just wished she hadnt taken the bottle after i told her to wait, I really need to avoid situations like this where the evil in me gets me yelling like a freak, I cant stand when people yell at their kids, but sometimes frusteration gets the best of me, does anyone have any advice?
i feel so shallow
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There's a thread in personal growth about the rage we sometimes feel as parents. You are not alone and maybe there's some support or advice in this thread that may be useful.
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