dragging my 4.5 yo kicking and screaming from playdates... *sigh*

Sorry that you're going through this! DS 6 went through a rough phase at that age too. Not so much on play dates, but whenever we would visit grandma, he refused to leave, hit me, cried, threw things. I tried the same things you listed, and they didn't work very well. My mom finally told him that he would not be welcome at her house for 2 weeks when he did this, because he made her so sad that she had to have a rest. THis actually worked! We would mark off the days on a calendar and when the 2 weeks were up, we went for a visit and I explained on the way there that if we had an easy time leaving, Grammy would be happy to see you anytime. He slipped once or twice, but as soon as he realized we really meant the 2 week thing, it didn't happen again. Part of it is the age thing I think, DS hasn't done anything like that for over a year now. Would this help with your DS??? Do you have a regularly scheduled day that you go? I think the calendar helped too, at that age they begin to understand time and days, etc...DS just finally understood that he was in control of the situation and I think that comforted him a lot.

I wonder if you could enlist the help of the other parent? Maybe they could "remove" their child, as well - say, "We wish you could stay, Sam, but <friend> (or we) really have to <insert activity> now."

Have you set him up for what you'll be doing next? As in, "We have five more minutes and then we're going to go <insert activity>!" or ".. and then we have to <insert activity>!" We still have a hard time leaving after the five minutes if he's really engaged and I use this tactic, but he's starting to understand a little more about the necessity of leaving, particularly if there's something at least a little fun to follow, or an absolute "have to."

The only other thing that I can think of is to talk up the next time you'll see that friend so that he doesn't necessarily perceive leaving as a total end to their fun. (This works fairly decently with my almost 3.5-year-old, but that's because he's in this "But if we leave now, then I'll NEVER get to blah blah blah..." phase. It might fall flat with your 4.5-year-old).

Sorry I couldn't offer more. That sounds so frustrating. I hope you find what works for you guys!

Hi there Pamelamama,

It sounds like your son gets so much out of the playdates and simply cannot bear to seem them end. My ds 3 did this twice in a row visiting his pal, and it stressed me out so much, I honestly couldn't bear to schedule another playdate there if that was going to happen again.

I know he was simply struggling mightily with his urge to stay there, but the plain truth was that the net effect was that playdates were ending in disaster. It was unsustainable.

So I talked to him about it a bunch, at the time and also when he'd say "when can I go back to A's house to play?" A couple weeks later we got invited again and I said once again how important it was that he leave when I say it is time to go (even if he feels it would be fun to stay and play) and that this would influence how soon we could go back.

Some people would say I was threatening him or punishing him, but it was the most honest/direct way I could think of to honor both his desire to be there and my (also understandable) desire not to have a complete blow-out to get him to the car.

Anyway he assured me that he would make it work to go. So when it was time to go, I gave him the five minute warning, etc, and then with a lot of coaxing and great effort he tore himself away and came running with a proud expression on his face.

If we'd had another blow out, I probably would have avoided going there for a while. Not making him wrong (presumably he was doing his best), but just not wanting to repeat it unless I had some inkling that it could go more harmoniously.

My point is not that if you do what I did you'll have the same effect--but rather to validate your distress at the unsustainability of things as they are and to encourage you to find a solution that feels sane to you.

Hey, pamalamama. It sounds so hard! We have the problem of refusing to stop playing to go pee too. What has worked for us is to coax the other children into promising to "wait the play" until my child comes back from the bathroom. I just say, "Hey guys, can we put the game on 'pause' until A. finishes going potty?" I've never had an argument. I think they can all relate! Sometimes they have fun simulating being on "pause" too. Then I tell my kid to hurry fast while the kids wait for him.

My strategy of choice for leaving a fun time is to talk about what we will be doing next. It doesn't always work. I also like to talk about/make a plan for the next playdate. Sometimes it helps to show them on a calender.

Next, I try fun and games. "race you to the car," kind of thing. Sometimes this works. Sometimes it backfires and spirals out of control into the sort of chasing and game playing you are talking about.

In "Kid Cooperation," Elizabeth Pantly has a whole section on this! At first I thought it sounded a bit more strict than my usual style. But I realized that long drawn out "endings" to fun times were very hard on both me and my child! It was really tearing us both apart and prolonging the "bad feelings" of having to transition out of something fun.

What we did (adapted from her advice) was to give a 10 min, a 5 min, and a 2 min. warning. Then say "Do your last thing!" Then we go. Even if I have to pick him and walk out carrying him kicking and screaming. I empathize. I show sympathy. But when its time to go its time to go, and there is no room for dragging it out and making it torture. What I found was that the first 2 times were really upsetting, and then after that they cooperated when I asked them too. They got the idea that I was serious.

I think that sometimes its easy for kids to get the idea that you don't really mean "lets go" when you say, "Time to go." They think there is still wiggle room. Pantley suggests that you dispell the notion that there is wiggle room!

I know it does sound strict. But in the long run it has seemed like a lot less torture for all of us. (Whoa. Maybe I *am* a strict mom!)

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That seems like it could be an important idea, Pam. Also,

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That sounds like it might be worth a try, too. I bet your mama friends would agree to doing this for a while, to see if it helps.



Melissa

Pamelamama- if it makes you feel any better my two have been plotting how to move into a friend's place for, oh.... months now. Apparently they have better toys. And more kids, so there's always something going on.

I don't usually have too much trouble with this, but I do give a 5 minute warning, & use an approach similar to mamaducks. I will carry them to the car screaming & kicking if I have to, all the while saying 'I know you don't want to leave, but *** has to go to the grocery store now, go pick up daddy from work, must have a rest before swimming lessons, etc. If you scream & holler, we won't be able to do this next week.' Now, granted, I'm okay with following thru with that as I get a fair bit of adult time at Uni- it's harder when the playdate is your time too..... Good luck- hopefully it's just, as they say, a phase....

Well, lots of good ideas here, and you know that mine is a bit easier to still pick up and carry if I have to as opposed to your growing sprout (he is going to be able to pick you up before you know it!). I do many of these things with my own 2.5 yo. 5 min warnings really help, we do for bedtime, too. I often take advantage of other mamas leaving to make a break myself, it does grease the wheel. And then there are times I just have to pick him up (I try to give him warning like they did in his Montessori school..."We need to go now, you can walk yourself or I need to pick up your body to help you") Today, for a rare change, that is how we left my car to go into another mama's house today. I think I failed to give him enough warning I was going to take him in, so he was quite mad at me and would not be consoled. But we gave him space to be mad and then he came to me for milk and comfort.

I use the promise of a good thing also, although I try to make it not food but the next fun adventure, if applicable. That works some of the time.

Not sure I had any new suggestions, but no my guy loves his playdates with Sam and hates to leave them, too. :

I haven't had this particular problem with my own kids, but my best friend does. Her kids (6 and 4) FREAK when it is time to go, and everytime she gets near they start crying cause they think she's going to tell them its time to go. We've used a few different strategies that have worked. It almost always works if she gathers up her stuff and heads to the car and I go and tell her boys it is time to go. They aren't as willing to throw a tantrum for me. If they do start whining, I tell them (And I tell them this when they arrive as well) that it is a rule in our house that you have to leave nicely, and if you don't you can't play next time. She also has a major problem with the potty stuff. Her son pees his pants every time and poops almost every time. Once he was giving her grief because she asked him to clean himself up (something he always does if I'm babysitting him). He said he didn't want to be a part of their family anymore. I gave her permission to let him be a part of our family. (Dad's at boot camp plus new baby, so she needed the break as much as he did). He stayed at our house where I expected him to live as a member of the family. He ate the food I prepared, he did chores and school with us, he wore a cloth diaper and sat on the potty and pooped so he wouldn't have an accident. He took a nap when he was getting cranky, and by the next evening at dinner, he just couldn't handle the beans so he was ready to go back to his family. It was kind of a funny little exercise, but I think the mom and son got a break from the constant power struggles and he learned to appreciate his own family. Sorry so long, it just related so well I wanted to share it.