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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'm soooooooooooo confused as to what I should be allowing to happen in our relationship and what should not be happening.
I'm sorry this is very long....I think I really needed to get alot out and get ask for some unbiased viewpoints....

Dh and I have been together for 12 years, raising 7 kiddos. When I met him I was aware that he was an alcoholic. I grew up with and abusive alcoholic father, married & divorced an abusive alcoholic boy/man and didn't wish to continue the cycle. The difference was that dh always treated me like a princess and was never abusive (funny the things we can convince ourselves of when we love someone). He was pretty much totally a functional alcoholic, drinking himself into oblivion and going to bed everynight and getting up and working all day the following day. He was taking care of us (I've since learned to distinguish the difference between taking care of us financially and emotionally). Everyone thought we were the "perfect couple" we worked so well as a team to take care of all of these kids, ect. My friends were all jealous because he put me on a pedestal (which is no fun when years later you fall off!) & treated me like a princess, he worked all day, came home, helped with housework, with cooking, with the kids (all while drinking of course). All along though, he gave me the idea/impression that he wanted to stop drinking (and come to find out smoking pot everyday), even going to AA and "finding God" a couple of times. There was an almost 2 year period when he was sober.
Fast forward to now. He is 38 years old. Scared of turning 40, of getting older. A man who was his friend & boss and someone who was like a mentor to him died on the jobsite of a sudden heart attack 23 months ago - he was not even 50 years old. This *really* shocked & upset him.
That seemed to have triggered something in him. From what he's told me , basically, he's discovered that we never know when our time here is up and he wants to live the rest of his life happy and doing what makes him happy.
A couple months after this friend died he told me that he didn't know if he loved me anymore, he didn't know if he wanted to be married anymore. Something changed in him and he became a very cold and mostly selfish person. I didn't deal with this well (remember I had been a spoiled wife, much cherished and loved, on that darned pedestal), there were several times when we tried to talk when I became hysterical and would literally just sob and sob (that deep, horrible type of sobbing like someone does when they are greiving the death of a loved one) for hours and he would sit next to me listening to me, and making no effort to comfort me at all.
The alcoholism and the pot smoking have always been an issue between us and his use of these things intensified during this time. He started hanging out with "drinking and smoking" buddies who hang out down at the river. He was gone most of the time. When he wasn't working, he was basically gone down at the river. I also saw that he was way to friendly with his best friends wife and she way too friendly with him for my tastes, and I told him as much, which of course he told me I was crazy....
Days and months went by and we continued on like this. After alot of soul searching, I realized that I probably had taken advantage of him and had taken him for granted at times over the years and I decided to do everything I could to put HIM on a pedestal and please HIM. So, I became superwife, did everything I knew to please him and make him happy. I stopped nagging him about being gone all of the time, did everything around the house and with the kids, made every meal something that totally pleased him - justw ent out of my way to bow down to him and please him- of and sex whenever he wanted, as much as he wanted.
I just let him do as he pleased and told myself to be grateful I had a husband at all and just how much worse things could be....
After months of this, winter came and days and nights down at the river pretty much ended so, he was home more. He was still somewhat distant and a little cold and selfish. We did have fights along the way and I still did alot of crying. But I finally got sick of living my life to please him and no one else. So, right before Christmas last year I gave him an ultimatum....his alcohol, pot, his alcoholic, druggy friends or his wife and family.
He didn't waste a second, looked me in the eye and hatefully said he couldn't stand to live another day with me, packed up some stuff and left.
I called my best friend and she told me that whatever I did, I needed to do the smart thing for me and the kids. It was winter and the only heat we had was with 2 kerosene heaters and the pipes froze alot. My car was old and needed frequent repairs. Winter was not a good time to have him leave.
So, the next day I talked to him and told him that it wasn't smart of me to have him leave during the winter because of the situation and would he stay with us until the spring and we would reevaluate things then. He said he would and slept on the couch for about a week. We then fell back into our old patterns as husband and wife and life went on.
At some point he started treating me much better and for the past couple of months he has been treating me very well. He tells me repeatedly how much he loves me, how in love with me he is. Its pretty much like all of that horrible stuff never happened.
I don't think he realized just how deeply all of that stuff wounded me and how very insecure it made me. Out of everyone I knew, I had always felt sure that WE would never fall apart, our marriage would always be the one that worked....I felt that so deeply. Sure we always had our problems, but I never, ever, ever felt that the day would come when he would tell me he didn't love me anymore and would walk out on us. So, this all had really, really rocked my world.
Oh, and we tried a marriage retreat weekend, he ended up thowing a temper tantrum and totally humiliated me in front of all the other people there. I never knew what the problem was about and he never told me. Very weird.

So, now he "loves me more than anything in the world" (yah...except for his drinking and smoking and all that...) he's "so happy I'm his wife" ect, ect.....
He has cut back on how much he goes down to the river and hangs out with those guys, but he repeatedly takes the kids with him when he goes (cause they swim and water ski and canoe and stuff while there) even though he knows very clearly that I dont want the kids around that lifestyle and questionable people with constant drinking and stuff going on around them.
At the same time, he LOVES the river - he loves the escape, the beauty of it, the peacefulness of it. Loves to go out on the boat and just "be."
Which is all great, except for the bad stuff that goes along with it.
I've tried to go with him and the kids several times. But I mostly get ignored and I'm bored to tears (I wont go in the river water....blech). And I get disgusted with the drinking all around me and my kids. He also does this thing where he'll sneak off with his buddy and his wife and ride down the river to get high, then come back like I never noticed he had snuck off. Plus I'm still unsure of the buddys wife and if anything inappropriate ever went on. My dh has avery friendly, very flirty personality - I don't think he realizes how much and I feel it crosses lines. I try to point things out when I see them, he tells me I'm crazy. Plus I have tried to be nice, be friends with the buddys wife, but we have totally different morals and values. Complete opposites.
On the 4th of July we tried to all camp out down there, we ended up having to leave because he had been drinking all day and all night, then his buddy showed up with pot, they went off to smoke it and 5 minutes later he was vomiting and had uncontrollable diarreha. So, here I am having to round up all of the kids (against their will), pack up everything and drive everyone home all the while having to stop the van on a dime so dh could puke or have diarreha all the way home. Lovely memory for my children to have...
:

So, my life now is living with a dh who "loves me more than anything" and "is so happy I'm his wife" and is somewhat attentive to me and is trying to compromise to be home more and spend more time with me. However when he is home, he's pretty much always "away." He's hard to have a conversation with, doesn't really have any interested other than the river, drinking, smoking and spending time with his best friend.
His best friend is 10 years younger than him, has alot of freedom. He and his wife don't ever want kids and the theme of their lives is pretty much like a college kids- party on!
This guy calls him at least once a day inviting him to come over. They know I don't like what goes on. I cringe everytime dh's cell phone rings, because it usually means he's leaving. He does try to compensate by doing a bunch of wuick housework before he leaves, but its no consulation to me. I've also told him that since his buddys know that these issues cause so much friction in our marriage, that if they were TRUE friends, they wouldn't be calling him up all the time and encouraging him to do things that are causing problems in his marriage. If they were true friends they would help him try to keep his marriage healthy and together. He then looks at me with a look of disgust as if had 4 eyes and 3 noses.....
And I do try really hard to let him go have his guy time with a cheerful attitude, but sometimes it gets to be too much.
Many, many nights I can't sleep because he's gone doing God knows what and who knows what time he'll be home. I think I have PTSD or something over it all because I lay in bed shaking and trembling expecting the police to knock on my door any minute saying "ma'am there's been an accident."
I have driven out there a couple of times when it was like 3:30 am to get him and he's been passed out. He got VERY angry and somewhat abusive when I did that. So, now I just lay awake praying he'll make it home soon, safely. (and yes, I've told him about this and how it all makes me feel - and how would he feel if the shoe were on the other foot, ect ect...) and many times he doens't come home until the morning and I should be happy that he didn't drive home drunk....well, a phone call would have been nice then!

All along he's told me that he was this way when I married him (we lived together for 5 years prior to being married - but there was usually the idea/sense that he wanted to quit and did for a long while)

Basically, he's going to do what it is that he wants to do. Whatever it is that makes him happy. Because he doesn't want to live unhappy anymore. He quit going to church because "he's not that kind of person."
(I'm assuming that drinking and smoking pot and hanging around questionable people makes him happy.) That's what he's told me.
So, to h*ll with what I want, to h*ll with my feelings - but oh, "I love you more than anything and I'm so happy you are my wife."

We were half joking around last night, play fighting around the kitchen and I said that I would quit a bad habit he doesn't like that I have if he quits smoking pot. He said "you're fricken crazy."

He says I am trying to control him. I feel like I try to give him freedoms without nagging or guilt trips until it all gets to be too much. I'm asking for some respect for my feelings.

Does this all sound as bad to everyone as it does to me?
I try alot to just live with things, but I'm always unhappy. His drinking and smoking pot could pretty much be ignored because he's gone alot when it happens and he's not usually loud or obnoxius when he's around home doing it.
He also lies alot about having just smoked pot - duh. what's the point, I can smell it! Then just laughs it off when he gets caught.
I've put my foot down and told him no more will he be taking the kids out to the river. Which makes it hard because thats all he wants to do & makes me the bad guy in the kids minds because they want to go to the river with their dad cince its the only time he spends with them. I can't very well say to them "sorry, you're dad is an alcoholic and a drug addict. The people down at the river are alcoholics, drug addicts and criminals - no you can't go there anymore." I have told them that there is too much drinking going on down there and I don't want them around it all of the time.
We went to the pool last weekend and I literally had to beg him to come with us, the kids begged too. He got mad and left while sqeeling the tires down the gravel driveway and said "I'll meet you there." The kids and I were just left standing there in disbelief. I called him and told him not to bother meeting us there, we'd go by ourselves. We left for the pool and he did show up, but pouted the whole time and acted like he'd rather be anywhere in the world but there with us. It was so pathetic - the kids begged and begged him to come play/swim in the pool with them. He wouldn't. I looked around and saw dads all around me having fun with their kids while my kids dad wouldn't even come in the pool with them. (the pool is a BIG treat for my kids) I just wanted to punch him.

I don't know how to put into words the subtle ways it affects our marriage and family life. Like he checks out emotionally, loses his temper, makes bad judgement calls with the kids, very moody, uninterested in the kids, tells me he's tired of kids, tired of working like a dog and getting nowhere, tired of responsibilities, just wants to be happy.

Am I being controlling by wanting him to be a healthy person, by wanting him to be able to reach his potential and not be dragged down by addictions? By wanting him to think about someone/something other than his buddys and smoking pot and drinking? I KNOW I can't make him stop, he has to decide that on his own.

UGH.....I'm sorry, this is sooooo long. I guess really all I can do is decide to put up with it all, make the best of it, and not complain or to leave.
It just makes me sooooo sad to leave because we truly do love each other so very much & our life could be so damn happy. At the same time, will I ever not be dragged down by all of this too? Can I learn to just ignore it all?

I know there are those of you here that see nothing wrong w/ drinking and/or smoking pot - but I do, so please don't blast me about that.

I don't even know what advice I'm asking for......I'm just feeling badly - his buddy called a while ago and off he went....
 

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I do not think you are being controlling or unreasonable about this. AT ALL. If anything it sounds like you have not put your foot down enough.

My dh also has some unsavory friends like you are describing...however, fortunately for me, he is not that deep into it. But now that we have a kid, it is very important to me that he start moving away from that, because they are older than us, and I can see that their lifestyle is quite the opposite of what I want us to be at that age, or what I want our family life to be like when our kids are their kids' age. The drinking and smoking is almost the least of it, for me - it's the pushing kids aside so you can have your secret grown up party time, the cussing and swearing, the ethnic slurs, kids not encouraged academically, TV on literally 24/7, generally uneducated lifestyle, and no church or spiritual beliefs. These people have very little in common with us as a family - he hangs out with them because their low standards allow him to indulge that side of himself.

My child has never been over to those people's house. God help me, she never will. But that is easy for me to say because she is a baby. Seriously though, to whatever extent you can stand on your own moral authority in terms of what you will allow your kids to be exposed to, you should.

It seems like you are standing alone against this group of friends. Do you have anyone that would naturally be on your side, and that could exert an influence on him, like your family, his family, friends who don't share that lifestyle, people from church? (Even though he doesn't take church seriously, if you could get the pastor or elders to talk to him, their concern might make an impression on him just on a man to man level.) He needs to have it reinforced that this is a matter of right and wrong, not personal preference. It is affecting your kids. You cannot allow him to continue to think it is just some little personal issue that you have.

I wish I had better advice for you. Believe in yourself, pray, and get whatever outside help you can.
 

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Oh mama !
I don't know what to say. I wish I knew the magic words. I can feel your pain and lack of confidence w/this situation in your post. I don't think you are being unreasonable to expect your husband to choose you and his family over his "friends."
 

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I agree with the previous posters. You are certainly not the one being unreasonable. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you, but I just couldn't bear to read your words without offering some support.

I also wanted to post The Power and Control Wheel too because it sounds like when you express your concerns to your husband he calls you "crazy" which can be symptomatic of emotional abuse. I don't know your situation but that was a red flag for me to read that.

Take care mama. You sound like a very strong and caring mother to those children.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Hi,
I'm in a hurry this morning, trying to get two kiddos off to camp, but I wanted to say thank you so very much for the kind words and the advice/support.
Today is our 7th wedding anniversary, I'm hoping to have a nice evening together, we'll see. It would be nice if he didn't drink but I'm not holding my breath.
 

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Your reactions sound very reasonable. Still, they don't seem to be working for you. For such a difficult situation it can be really hard to find the right approach.

Have you checked out your local al-anon? They will probably be able to give you lots of support and perspective.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by sphinxie


Your reactions sound very reasonable. Still, they don't seem to be working for you. For such a difficult situation it can be really hard to find the right approach.

Have you checked out your local al-anon? They will probably be able to give you lots of support and perspective.
My reaction is what has me confused. WHY can't I just ignore these things he does and go on with life.....just learn to live with it? He works very hard ot provide for us and is a pretty good guy, he'd give the shirt off his back to anyone. Sometimes I wish I could just not care and then I start telling myself maybe I AM controlling because I do care and it does bother me.
He tells me everyone in the world is not like me and I shouldn't expect them to be. I get very confused.
I know I need al-anon - finding time to get there is a problem, but I should make it a priority.
 

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It seems to me that the big problem is that he goes overboard and ends up staying out until who knows when and disregarding your feelings by not even calling or by taking your kids around things you don't approve of. I would ask him first to tone down the drinking/smoking- I don't think it is unreasonable at all to ask him to be home at a decent hour and not drink/smoke so much that he is unable to be mentally present when he is at home. Plenty of people drink a couple beers and smoke a joint on occassion and come home every night, interact with their spouse and kids, and are respectful of their partner's feelings. No grown man should be getting so smashed at a family camping trip that he is puking and has to go home.
If he can't help himself then he is an alcoholic and needs to come to terms with that and seek help. If I were you I would focus on how excessive he is in his behaviors rather than trying to admonish him for drinking/smoking at all. Maybe he will begin to see that he isn't the kind of person who can do these things recreationally and needs help or maybe he will realize that he needs to tone it down on his own and that you aren't trying to control his every move, but you do deserve respect and to not have his habits negatively affect you and your kids.
I don't think you'll get anywhere with him if you focus too hard on the fact that you don't want him drinking/smoking at all because obviously he does not agree that there is anything wrong with either in theory- but if you can get him to examine his behavior and take an honest look at himself, maybe he will take the first steps to getting it under control and realize that while there may be nothing wrong with alcohol or herb in and of themselves, that how he is using them is not a positive thing.
 

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nak
you deserve to be happy too...and you're not. he is largely responsible for that unhappiness. imo, that's not an acceptable way to live. we all deserve better. i wish strength and peace for you...
:
 

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Go to Al-Anon or Nar-Anon. Lots of them have free babysitting on site. Go now.

You cannot control or cure him. My dh used to say nasty things to me when he was using, and it turns out that was his bad feelings about himself, not me. That may not be true for you; I don't know. But there is no point in arguing with a high person. All you can do is take care of yourself and your kids. Perhaps if you get better, he will have to change. I don't know. But whether or not he gets better, if you get better, you will be better! Please go to a meeting with an open mind. It has helped me so much.
 

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I don't know your situation because I don't live with you.

Only you can make decisions which effect your own life.

The advice I give is simply advice I'd give anyone who is reporting the sad story that you are reporting.

...........................

You cannot change another person - you can only change yourself.

You are the sober adult here, and you need to make a choice and decide if this situation is the best for your children.

The behaviour has been going on for years, and nothing is going to change it. You gave him a choice, and he made it. What more can you do?

Do you have family with whom you could live for a while? Do you have an organization that could help you with housing and childcare while you get trade training so that you may financially support yourself and your family?

He would still owe you child support if you were to finally leave him to his addiction, but you would need to be able to make your own money so that you may take control of your own life and not fear winter with only a few sources of heat and a single income to depend on with seven children.

You have a heavy responsibility here, that's for certain. Seven children in a dependant situation is very heavy. You will need help from family or social workers for a time, but if you've had the skills and the tenacity to survive the ups and downs and turmoil of living with an addict for all of these years, you have the strength to get through this.

Again, this is up to you - your husband, unfortunately, does not have the ability to fix this.
 

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I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this!

*My* immediate concern is children in/on the river with only altered people responsible for their safety.

I think that actions speak louder than words and that even though he is telling you that he loves you and that he is glad that you are his wife he is showing you that drinking, smoking and partying is more important than you and the kids.

He is being selfish, irresponsible and is setting a horrible example for his children. You shouldn't have to deal with his childish behavior.

I speak with a bit of experience. My husband acted a lot like yours is acting while we were dating and when we were first married. We had fallen into this dysfunctional way of dealing with each other. He would go drink, smoke, treat me inconsiderately. I was terrified of him driving drunk (because of danger to himself and to other innocent drivers) He would use my fear to manipulate me and had me jumping through all sorts of hoops for the "privilege" of being his designated driver. After he got to have his way, he would "owe me" so to speak and would spend several days making it up to me (he only drank 1-2 times a week) I got really used to playing the martyr and then getting whatever I wanted for a couple of days and that was our routine. We did this for 14 years.

In 2000, our first son was born. I made it clear that it was never, ever acceptable to be altered around our child. That I would no longer make beer runs, pick him up in the middle of the night, take him to a friend's house to party, etc. Miraculously, he changed quite a lot. He stopped smoking pot years ago but the binge drinking went from once or twice a week to once every 4-6 weeks. He drives (sober) to wherever he is going, stays put, drinks, sleeps at the friend's house and drives home (sober) the next day. We tell the boys that he is fishing/camping out. It certainly isn't perfect. I don't like that I'm not 100% honest with my kids. I wish that he didn't drink at all. Compared to the way he was before though, the situation is manageable.

I hope you are able to find a workable solution. {{{{hugs}}}}
 

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When I was with my XH we had ongoing issues with his substance use. He had me totally convinced that I was over-reacting, that I was being controlling, that I was the one with a problem.

We went through various stages. We fought about it. I decided that I would let it go and focus on being a good supportive wife - that I owed it to my marriage.

It was all crap. He was an addict. I had no idea of the extent of his problems. He hid them well and I was wearing rose-colored glasses. I didn't want to see the truth. Instead of going to school he would go up to the roof of the building and get high. His behavior was destructive to our lives, but so was mine.

I lost myself in that marriage and questioned my own judgement. I don't really understand why, but when you are living with an addict, its so easy to start to think that you are the one with a problem not them. Now that I'm out, I can't believe that I put up with it for so long. Honestly, I didn't really have a problem with the occasional indulgence, but it just went too far.

You need to decide just what you can and cannot live with. Don't let other people tell you what is acceptable behavior.
 

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Quote:
I can't very well say to them "sorry, you're dad is an alcoholic and a drug addict. The people down at the river are alcoholics, drug addicts and criminals - no you can't go there anymore."
Why not? That's exactly what I would do. They deserve to know why you're making the decisions you are.

I'm not against drinking and smoking pot. I would NOT put up with it, though, if it was at the expense of my and my kids' emotional health.

You're right, your only two choices are to put up with it (you can't shame him into changing so fighting is pointless) or leave. You're not crazy. You're not unreasonable. And most people in the world *are* like you. He's in denial big time.

One thing to think about is that if you do leave, be prepared for him to suddenly see the error of his ways and desperately want you back. This doesn't always happen, and it doesn't always happen immediately, but it's typical to happen in some fashion. So you might think about what you would do in that situation.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by KentuckyDoulaMama
My reaction is what has me confused. WHY can't I just ignore these things he does and go on with life.....just learn to live with it?
Because it's dangerous. I say that as someone who is not against alcohol and pot... but it's like a lot of things in life, if misused they are dangerous. As another poster said, your kids are swimming in a river with drunk and stoned "adults" "watching" them. Long term high levels of alcohol use corrodes the body, especially the liver, as we know. Drinking as a form of destructive behaviour can easily lead to drunk driving. If he's being passive aggressive and his mind is clouded, drunk driving with the kids in the car may well happen. After all, he's already "watching" the kids swim while drunk/high. Above all, kids may emulate the behaviour of their parents. Nobody wants their kids doing what he's doing, or ending up in the same situation you're in. Your instincts are right on to be against this. When your DH says otherwise, like another poster said, he's in major denial.

That said, again, there are ways to deal with it that work and ways that don't work. Al-anon is really the best place to find out about which is which. There may also be some good books for spouses of alcoholics. A lot of areas also offer counseling, especially for people in dangerous situations. Even if you don't need a woman's shelter, you might drop by one and inquire about resources available in your area; there is usually a network.

I guess a simple way to talk about it is in terms of boundaries. Your post title was about being controlling vs putting up with dangerous behaviour. Well, the truth is that you can't control him. (Obviously, right? Otherwise this would be a lot easier!) But you can't put up with dangerous behaviour either--and bravo for that. What you need to do is establish boundaries. "This is acceptable, this is not acceptable." But boundaries won't work unless you can back them up. Right now, the emotional connection that would normally cause a person to respect boundaries is absent/inconsistent for him. So you'll need something else to back up your boundaries. That usually requires independant strength, a support network, and determination. These things can be built up gradually, and they will still be good for you even if by some miracle his eyes are opened and this particular issue is resolved.

Take all my suggestions with a grain of salt--except maybe the really basic ones like checking out al-anon and building a support network


Maybe think of it this way. If any of your kids ever end up in a similar relationship, what legacy do you want to leave for them? What would you want them to be able to do, because they saw you do something similar? Or any approach that gives you strength--concentrate on that.

Quote:
I know I need al-anon - finding time to get there is a problem, but I should make it a priority.
Maybe make it a higher priority than the coping methods that aren't working.

While you're building your independance, you might try backing off a bit on the situation. Put your foot down on anything that endangers you or the kids, even indirectly. But ignore the other stuff, at least for the time being, until you figure out what you're going to do. Again, take this with a grain of salt, only if it sounds right for you.

 

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so sorry, mama - my ex was an alcoholic and a druggie and I could have written your post a few years ago, nearly word for word. I don't have any advice, we're each on our own path. But I will say that there is a brighter world out there and the reason you can't just ignore his behavior and be happy in your own life is because you know there's something better out there. You saw the other dads at the pool and you knew that's what dads are supposed to do. Whether you find that with your dh or on your own - you should not settle for what you're being given now.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by fourlittlebirds
Why not? That's exactly what I would do. They deserve to know why you're making the decisions you are.

I'm not against drinking and smoking pot. I would NOT put up with it, though, if it was at the expense of my and my kids' emotional health.

You're right, your only two choices are to put up with it (you can't shame him into changing so fighting is pointless) or leave. You're not crazy. You're not unreasonable. And most people in the world *are* like you. He's in denial big time.

One thing to think about is that if you do leave, be prepared for him to suddenly see the error of his ways and desperately want you back. This doesn't always happen, and it doesn't always happen immediately, but it's typical to happen in some fashion. So you might think about what you would do in that situation.

I second this post. You have been very strong.
 

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After reading your post my biggest concern are your kids. If he comes home from the river so drunk you are affraid the cops will call and say he was in a wreck why do you think its ok for him to take the kids with him there? He is endangering the lives of your children. Who I am sure you care for dearly and love with every fiber in your body. How can he has a father be ok with that? My bigger concern would be with the drinking then the weed smoking. You can smoke and smoke and you pretty much do not get much higher and if he is a daily pot smoker then its more of a natural state of mind for him but to be drinking heavily like that endangering himself and his family is not ok. For that reason alone I would be done. Walking away from him and making him realize how good he had it when you were there might be the best thing for him. It might make him want to change his life, it might make him realize that yes you should do what makes you happy in life but would he really be happy with out you guys? Drinking and smoking cannot replace the feeling you get when you come home from work and you spouse and kids are waiting for you with open arms. That is the best high in the world and maybe you leaving would make him realize that.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by KentuckyDoulaMama

Am I being controlling by wanting him to be a healthy person, by wanting him to be able to reach his potential and not be dragged down by addictions? By wanting him to think about someone/something other than his buddys and smoking pot and drinking? I KNOW I can't make him stop, he has to decide that on his own.

No, I don't think so at all.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.
 
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