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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Sorry this is just a pure vent.

It drives me crazy the way most people interact with DS because he "only" 16 months old.

Specifically if he is holding something that he is not supposed to have. We have worked very hard to teach him in a consentual way that when he is holding something he is not supposed to have that we will let him know and he can put it down, give it to one of us, or put it where it belongs.

So our reaction to him pulling a screwdriver out of the drawer is to say "Oh Jet, we left the drawer open didn't we. Can you put the screw driver back and close the drawer please. Screw drivers aren't safe toys. If you run with one you could get hurt."

To which he will happily either hand over the screw driver or put it away and close the drawer. Possibly with a discussion about "hurt" in between. But basically we can talk the problem out without any issues.

it seems like EVERYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD will just pry the item out of his hand. It is aggrivating because then we have to go over and comfort a screaming crying baby with hurt feelings rather than giving him a sense of accomplishment in knowing that he has helped us by putting something away and helped keep himself safe. The worst is that they will reflexivly go pry the item out of his hand while we are starting to talk to him about it. It's like, I appreciate that you are trying to help, but I am on it.

Our families are learning, mostly my family is getting more and more intimidated at how well we communicate and manage our children.

The problem happens with my family because they are used to my sister who "checks out" as a parent every time she walks into the door at my parent's house. So when we say "oh jet I'm sorry that isn't for you" my parents think we are cuing them to go take care of the problem.

It happens with a lot of other things too... for instance "Hey Jet do you want me to pick you up?" to which they get no reply (or even a head shaking "no"), then they pick him up and he SCREAMS. Um, if he wanted to be picked up he would act like he wants to be picked up...

I guess it is just shocking to me because I have really only been around people that either didn't try at all with their kids or people who are really communicative with their kids. It is just weird to see someone trying so hard but not looking at the "baby" as if he could make any decisions or communicate any wants/needs.
 

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Just a reply to let you know we are so right there with you. You're not alone in your frustration --- people often talk to our dd like that, and treat her disrespectfully without even thinking/knowing/intending to, but it still really upsets me and dh. We have had many a heated discussion with my parents -- some go-to lines include:

"She said no, please respect that."

"No is a full sentence."

"Do you see her saying no, she doesn't want (food, to be picked up, to kiss you etc). "

Those are mostly in response to what you mentioned about your son clearly giving cues he doesn't want to be picked up etc...

On the other issues, yes, I don't like the prying-from-hand thing either -- we often handle things in the same manner as you described:

Quote:
So our reaction to him pulling a screwdriver out of the drawer is to say "Oh Jet, we left the drawer open didn't we. Can you put the screw driver back and close the drawer please. Screw drivers aren't safe toys. If you run with one you could get hurt."
(or we will let her expolore it with our supervision/help)

...but people don't get that. People seem to think we are "letting her rule the roost" or whatever because we treat her respectfully and give her the same respect as anyone else.

*sigh* no real helpful suggestions I'm afraid, other than to just keep on keepin' on and treating your son with love and respect -- and asking that others do the same .... and if they won't, being your son's advocate so he knows you don't agree with their form of interating with him --

good luck
 

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Yeah, it really is irritating when people talk to kids like they won't understand if you use more than 3 words. lol
I guess I'm lucky, because if anyone says "no" to my ds in a way that makes it seem like they are saying that he's doing something wrong and he ought to know better, he cries, sobs, and is very visibly horribly upset (the kind where he can't catch his breath. That's the only time he ever cries like that). It's enough to let EVERYONE know that THAT was not the way to do it! We do the "unsafe items" just the way you do- I let him help me put it where it belongs, and its all good.
The really annoying thing was that, in response to his sobbing, people would say (not all. just a couple) that its because he doesn't like to be told "no." Um, hello people! He's not going to cry so hard he can't breath just because he wants to get his way! Geesh. Dp and I do sometimes say "no" but its always with the feeling that he's not doing anything "wrong" and if he had only known all the facts behind it, he would most likely not have chosen to do it. And yeah, he never cries in response to that.

At any rate, just wanted to say "I'm feelin' ya" Shaggy Daddy
 

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I just wanted to say how great your communication is with your son. And I wanted to ask when and how you started doing that? Ds is 9 months old...and if I get him to put something back in the drawer...the drawer will be open again in 3 seconds...and we will be doing this scene 3000 times. But he's 9 months old, so I expect that. Anyway, how did you start?

Dawn
 

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What a great thread (so we can all vent)! My IL's do this all the time and it drives me nuts. We've never been neglectful in our parenting around them but they feel the need to step in and do things in a way we would never dream of. In some respect they've been trained because BIL and his wife do the "checking out" thing when they're there and the grandparents are used to stepping in.

The intruding into my realm as a parent is bad enough, but then they do things totally differently than I would and I just about lose it. I end up making snide remarks, which I'm not proud of, and I think they're starting to get the hint...but I need a polite way of saying "um, thanks, but I've got this."
:

ETA: What gets under my skin more than anything is when they want to hold DS, he calmly says no, and then they take him anyway!! They think that somehow his feelings aren't important just because he's so young? So, I'm working up the courage to start standing up for him and doing the "He said no, please respect that."
 

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Well, we closed access to most of the drawers b/c DS would not be swayed from them, BUT the rest of the house that was open to him, was pretty much open to him. Sometimes, though, we messed up, and he would get into something that might be unsafe. We never would put ideas into his head (if we were to have said "if you run with it then you could get hurt", he'd think "ooh, I could RUN with it, hadn't thought of THAT, thanks guys!!!"), but we DO do the method of asking for it or for his help in putting it away, talking a lot about it while doing it.

Whew, long way to say "we do similar but not exactly what you do", LOL.

So when someone else intervenes, we have (truthfully) told them "oh gosh, we have found that when we jump in the middle like that, or when we try to wrestle it out of his VERY strong grip, we actually cause problems and injuries, thank you, here, I'll get it". So sad that we know this to be true.


So if it hadn't occured to you to say something like that (to me it's sort of a Continuum Concept thing, that when we interfere we often cause problems that would never have happened), there you go.


Oh, and I think my SIL does what your sister does, when she goes to my in law's. Except she has rather docile children (girls), while I do not, to say the very very least! She'll know we're coming over, but she would leave ALL her precious crystal out! And expect that he would not go instantly over to it and try to play with it.
:

I would ask when we'd get there if she would put it up, she'd say "no", and then over the course of the visit DH would run around putting various crystal things up out of the way as DS picked them up (any crystal we would have left out would have been OK to play with, but it's not worth the risk with MIL's crystal...), and then as we prepared to leave, we'd have to go on a hunt for each piece, LOL.

That was going on a lot. Now they have moved, and we were over there yesterday and she had one crystal piece out and DS kept lifting the lid, and then SHE got on ME, for not moving it!
:

Anyway, I think the in law's finally understand that we will parent him AND that he's different from his cousins, but it took almost 2.5 years to realize it! If I had it to do again, I would have just had a conversation with her (harder than it sounds). So if you haven't done that, explaining the difference between you and your sister, it might help.
 

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this is what I have ALWAYS done with DS who is now almost 2.5. He does things now that most people would be totally shocked by a 2.5 year old doing. If you don't give your kids respect and teach them from a young age how to handle things they never will, DUH!

You knwo, I think it's that people just 'don't have the time.' Such a shame...
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by dawncayden View Post
I just wanted to say how great your communication is with your son. And I wanted to ask when and how you started doing that? Ds is 9 months old...and if I get him to put something back in the drawer...the drawer will be open again in 3 seconds...and we will be doing this scene 3000 times. But he's 9 months old, so I expect that. Anyway, how did you start?

Dawn
Sounds like you already started.


Going over the same scenario 3000 times is what you have to do. You get him to put it back, then have a super fun distraction ready cause if not, he is right back at it.

DS is 16m and he didn't really "get it" till pretty recently, so you could be almost there mama.
 

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Ah, this thread is such a relief. So many people tend to think that explainations are not required for little ones, and that they are, in fact, detrimental! But this thread makes a great point; that it has to be learned to be learned!

My little lady is almost 11 months and she already knows to not touch the computer, garbage, my barettes, etc. I am amazed at this! All it's taken is some gentle explainations. I really do think they understand, even as infants.

One thing I love to do with her is talk my thoughts out loud about what I am doing, and why, etc, to get the process of cause and effect happening in her brain.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by ShaggyDaddy View Post
It happens with a lot of other things too... for instance "Hey Jet do you want me to pick you up?" to which they get no reply (or even a head shaking "no"), then they pick him up and he SCREAMS. Um, if he wanted to be picked up he would act like he wants to be picked up..
My SIL was horrified when she received an elbow blow to the neck when she tried to hug ds. He was obviously very angry, standing against something with his face covered. Sil felt that her announcing that she was going to hug him was all that was necessary to make it OK. I pointed out that he was saying NO very loudly with body language
.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by MissRubyandKen View Post
Um, maybe by his super human toddler skills of observation?
hehehe

To the pp- my ds was 12 mos before he "got it" about any "boundaries." It was kinda a slow road after that, but that was the first that I noticed anything.
 

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It's funny because until recently I hadn't realized how much I talk to ds!! I have this running dialogue with him (21months) about what Im doing (Mommy's washing the dishes because they're dirty, and we need to eat off clean dishes" or "OOh, Jackson did you see the squirrle? Its gathering nuts for the winter so it can stay healthy while it hibernates" etc.). But a few months ago when we were up at our cottage ds decided he didn't want to sleep -- sooooo much exictment. After 2 hours of this, I decided not to interact with him, turn down the lights and calmly tell him "it's sleepy time" when he would babble at me. This lasted for 40 minutes, and in that time I watched him understand soooo much more than I ever thought he did. I realized that because I was always interacting with him, I didn't really stand back and see how much he's grown and understands about his world. It was a real eye-opener!!
As far as the g'parents, my step-mother LOVES the word NO. Loves it. When we brought ds over at 18months, she chased him around the livingroom saying no to everything he wanted to touch -- So I put ds down for a nap and we had a little chat. Im not confrontational, but things change when it's your babe. She then apologized to me saying "I hope it doesn't bother you that I tell Jackson no so much, but I just don't want him touching my things" to which I replied "Hey, that's fine it doesn't bother me -- but when he's five and gets to decide which grandparent he wants to spend time with, you can bet he's not picking the NO house". I didn't hear "no" once more the rest of the time we were there.
 
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