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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
There is a woman that drops by our house regualarly. She has a good heart, but many issues. I think it would be fair to say she has treated DS and his friends poorly - I do not think she is aware she has treated them poorly - as I said, she has many issues and has poor judgement. TBH, she is not my favourite person, and tends to use me as a place to vent.

I put up with her because her DD and my DD are very close. We had a fight once - where I told her she had to go home. she said "If I am not welcome here, my DD is not allowed here". Sigh.

So...fast forward. My Ds wants me to kick her off the property. Ds intensely dislikes this woman (he is 11). I tolerate her, but barely. I do feel compassion for her. I do not act all buddy-buddy...I am not trying to be fake.

My problem is this:

-should an 11 yr old say who gets to come on and off the property? It is his home too, and his grounds are fairly good (although he sees life much more black and white than I do)?
-DS feels a sense of injustice around this issue. I have kicked his friends out in the past (one for stealing)
-I know DD's close friendship with this womans DD will be ruined if I do kick her off the property

UGH! any advice?

Kathy
 

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That is a tough one. Obviously your kids should come before anyone else, especially somebody you aren't crazy about yourself, but it's a conflicting interest between two of your kids. I really hate to be around people like that too, I know just the behavior you're talking about. But I'd have to choose your daughter's close friendship over your son's dislike of this woman in your shoes. Maybe make arrangement for him to be away or occupied in his room when she visits, and keep it brief? She doesn't have to be over with her daughter each time she comes over does she? Like, if she felt she was welcome enough but also was free to drop her dd off to go run errands if she wished?
 

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While I don't think an 11 year old is in a good position to dictate who can come in the house and who can't, the fact that this is bothering him so much is probably a sign that is worth listening to that this woman is around too much and it may be time for you to be more proactive about this--not in the sense of kicking her out, but in the sense of being more clear about your boundaries.
 

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I think it depends. Does he not like her and find her unpleasant? Or does he feel unsafe when she's there? I think if he wants input he needs to be adult enough to have a conversation about it and really analyze the situation.

-Angela
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Thanks for the advice!

To answer a few questions...she is over a lot, close to daily. Imposing boundaries (saying..."you can come over 2X per week - due to the fact that I have stuff to do inside" etc) might work. She is not very good at taking a hint though, lol.

I have mentionned to DS (just today) that kicking this woman off the property will ruin his sisters friendship. He did not say anything - I suspect he is still thinking about it

Ds has this feeling of injustice and kind of wants revenge on this woman. He is mad at her - she has done some not-so -great things, and he wants to get even with her (which I am absolutely not OK with )or ask her to leave.

So he has these feelings of anger towards this person, and wants to do something. I think he feels she has gotten away with stuff (which she has - but as an adult, I know she has had a hard life, I suspect she has had a nervous breakdown, I guess I cut her more slack) and he does not like it. What to do with his sense of anger and injustice?

kathy

FYI: the stuff she has done include:
-yelling
-ordering Ds and friends around
-taking stuff from Ds friend (Ds friend had a bag of candy. Neighbours ask for a piece, DS' s friend says "yes" and neighbours reachees in the bag and pulls out a handful). She has done this to me once toop, I offered her a tomato (held out my hand with a bunch, and she took 3 large ones). I do not think he feels unsafe with her - but I will ask. I would be suprised - she is really quite a weak character in many ways (and not threatening, more annoying)

As I make this list, I realise I have to be more proactive in stopping her. She does a bunch of this stuff when Ds is outside, I am inside and she is on the deck... We did have a fight over the candy incident though.
 

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Honestly no an 11yo should not have a say in what ADULTS come over. He has a choice to be in the room, or to go elsewhere. If he chooses to stay in the room then he is bringing his anger towards this woman onto himself.

What were DS & his friends doing when she yelled, ordered them around & where were they? If they were in your house/your yard & she just happened to be there you can go over her head & say that while they're in your care that what they're doing is fine(if it is).

I don't see the big deal in if someone offers her something or she asks that she takes more than 1. If the person who has the stuff doesn't like it, they soon learn to either not offer, say no, or hand the amount they are okay with to her & then put it away.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by CarrieMF View Post
I don't see the big deal in if someone offers her something or she asks that she takes more than 1. If the person who has the stuff doesn't like it, they soon learn to either not offer, say no, or hand the amount they are okay with to her & then put it away.

Normally, I agree with you. When I put out cookies or fruit, I do not mind if the whole lot is gone. I do not mind if people ask for seconds.This is a little different though - she asks for food, and if you say "yes - take one", reaches over and takes a lot. Literally grabs it. DS friend did not feel OK with the way she took his candy, although I imagine it may be a life lesson for him.

Kathy
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
DH, Ds and I talked. We have a plan. This is it:

-I will tell her she can only come over 2 times a week. This is as much for me as it is for DS....she is quite draining at times!

-She will not be alone with DS. Normally, the neighbour hangs out on the back deck - if my son and his friends are playing in the backyard, I will make sure I am out there. I asked my Ds if she was meaner to him when I was not around - he said yes! DH thought this might be the case as well.

That is the plan for now. DS seems OK with it (or at least, resigned to it)

kathy
 

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Kathy, I want to say how great it is that you are taking his issues and feelings seriously. IMO this will go a long way helping your son feel understood even if you don't decide to do as he wishes. And I think this is very good learning situation for kids in how to negotiate relationships with other people.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Thanks, Arduinna
We also discussed the concept of "revenge" - as he is mad at her. We discussed how she had a hard life, and really, we did not need to yell at her or perform a pratical joke on her (DS idea) to "get even" - that her life was difficult, and we do not need to be settling the score. We also discussed not sinking down in our behaviour due to others behaviours, and that "living well is the best revenge". It was a nice discussion.

CanadianmommaX3 - she is odd. I am trying to be compassionate - I think she has had a bit of a nervous breakdown and is not thinking straight. With regards to the food issues, she is very poor, and I think the thought of free food clouds her judgement (maslov and all that). I really do not think she knows what she is doing is wrong. Despite this, there is no question in my mind: if my DD and her DD were not best friends, she would not be over here.

Ah, well, neighbours
: .....sometimes I want to move to the middle of nowhere.


kathy
 
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