[The4OfUs]

Calling on all you great minds to see if you can help me out with this. DS (2-1/2) has had a baby sister introduced in the past 6 weeks, so I know things are very different for him now, and we're trying to ameliorate things as much as possible and give him plenty of one-on-one time...in fact, I'm hearing myself say, "Just a minute, DD" more than I'd like since she's the newborn in the scenario...

So anyway, in the past week or two, more and more often, when DS is doing something I'd rather him not, and I approach him to calmly and pleasantly give him an alternative, redirect, or talk to him about why I don't want him to do X, he FREAKS. I mean, FREAKS. Sobbing, shouting, thrashing, it's almost surreal. He's completely shutting down before I even have a chance to say anything to him at all.

Here's an example: We're outside in the back yard, and he's playing "fireman" with the hose. It's set to mist, so it's a nice, easy spray. I'm nursing DD, and he's happy as a clam squirting different things on the deck. He starts to squirt near me and I don't want DD to get squirted (and I don't particularly want to get squirted either), so I say to him, "Hey bud, please spray on the house or into the yard, you're getting too close and I don't want to get wet." So he does - great!!!

A couple minutes later he starts creeping toward us again, so I remind him, but this time he keeps moving toward us, so I shift the chair over and remind him again, and he follows. So, I'm at a point where I can put DD down and I get up and walk over to him while saying something like, "I know that's fun, but we need to keep DD dry, ......" and was going to redirect him and talk about dry vs wet, etc....and he WIGS OUT before I get any more words out, before I even get to him....throws the hose, starts screaming "NONONONONOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!" and takes off running. I eventually meet up with him on the other side of the deck and sit by him and try to calmly talk to him about the situation, but he's in another world...a sobbing heap on the floor, won't let me touch him, shaking his head, it's horrible. I didn't know what else to do, I try to tell him I'm not mad but he's a wreck. I have to get back to DD, and quite honestly don't know what else to do, so I patted him gently on the shoulder and said, "OK, we'll talk when you feel better" and walked back to DD. Well, then he comes running after me, but still won't let me touch him or talk to him.

:

Sooooo.....uh....clearly NOT wanting to discuss any alternatives other than exactly what he wanted to do, and clearly not in the mood to listen to any discussion of the "whys" behind me not wanting him to do this....

I was talking with my mom about the situation in general (cause this has been playing out more frequently recently), and the best thing we could come up with was that I'm going to seriously pick my battles, try a bit more prevention (like getting up and moving the first time with DD instead of talking), and if he does start to melt down during something, so long as he's stopped whatever it is I didn't want him to do, I'm just going to drop it and not try to talk to him about it at all, even if he gets a little freaked at the actual stopping/redirecting part, cause I think he'll calm down faster if I DON'T talk to him about whatever is going on, that's seeming to really freak him out right now.

I'm not upset about the testing or boundary-pushing, I know they're totally normal and appropriate for his age and the newness of little sister. The part that is stressing me out is that I'm calmly, gently trying to help him understand the reasoning behind what is going on or give him something else to do, and he's completely shutting me out and going nutso. It's really grating on my nerves. It's almost like he's feeding off my calmness and reflecting it back the complete opposite to me. Yeah, I know he's only 2-1/2...but it's still bugging me.

It's not happening ALL the time, but it's happening more often and quite frankly is making me really on edge and I can feel myself getting snippy with him, which I do NOT want.

Suggestions? Commiseration? Sedatives (for him OR me)?

Thanks!

 

[straighthaircurly]

Well, I can at least commiserate

Part of it is simply the age, their brains just have short circuits at times and easily can overload. For my ds, the seeming randomness of it has increased as my ds gets closer to age 3. I have my moments when it drives me nuts too, because I just want to help but nothing does and usually only makes it worse. The other day my ds fell asleep in the car on the way to a store. So I pulled into a shady spot, opened the windows and stretched out in the driver's seat to snooze a bit too. When he woke, he had what appeared to be his usual crabbys so I just kept a quiet, soothing voice and helped with requests for a snack and water. I asked if he was ready to go into the toy store and he started screaming for me to go away. He was hysterical. I calmly explained that I couldn't leave him alone in the car, but that we could either go into the toy store or head home. He just kept shrieking for me to go away. So I drove home, he started shrieking that he wanted to go back and sleep in the shady spot (of course he is WIDE awake now). As we approached the house he went hysterical that he wanted to go to the store (of course it is now nearly time to cook dinner and the store was 25 minutes away). When we got in the house he started up again about the store and even screamed so hard he threw up (1st time doing that) and nothing I tried helped, only made it worse. I just had to wait it out with him and stay calm. So a huge

Some things that do help on occasion: a hug, a distraction, mirroring his request (repeating exactly what he is requesting so he knows he was heard and then empathizing with his frustration), sitting on the ground next to him quietly, and at times it even makes sense to reconsider his request if I find that I was unreasonable.

 

[angela&avery]

im not sure how often you say it, but i would leave dd out of the reason for anything unless he is physically trying to hurt her. IF he is having feelings of jealousy, having her be the reason he cant do something isnt going to help. Just the mention of dd may be setting him off.

I would have just said when I got up "No water near the deck" or "no water near the tables" or even "I have clothes on, which means I dont want to be wet right now"

Hope this helps!

 

[DevaMajka]

The only thing I can come up with is to tell him specifically something in the yard that needs sprayed. But you probably did that, and just didn't post it (or I missed it. lol). Like- there's a spot on the fence. Do you think the water would get it off? I know that was just an example, but that's really the only thing I can think of that helps ds sometimes in situations like that. Just give really specific "jobs" that are somehow related.
But definitely seems like there is some underlying need there. Attention? I know your dd is quite young. Or perhaps he's upset that your "no" can stop him from whatever he's doing. Or that you are saying "no" to protect dd? (He has to stop something fun, just because YOU don't want HER to get sprayed)
It makes total sense that he'd want to keep spraying. I don't think at 2 or 3 kids can really NOT be like that. lol. Well, all the time anyways. But I'd be concerned too, about the meltdown that comes with it. (not concerned as in "oh my goodness something's wrong" but just that its something that needs figured out).
Actually, I think my ds melts down like that occasionally. And I don't worry about it. But if it were more often, I'd figure there was something deeper. kwim?
Good luck

 

[josephine_e]

oh my god. i was just getting online to post almost this exact same thing! my dd is younger (20mo) and her new brother is just over 2wks old. the melt downs are usually a little tamer than you described (mostly just her screaming at me and saying "NO! ... STOP!" but occasionally we get a full blown tantrum and i think it's getting worse every day! i empathise with it being frustrating! especially because before now my daughter was absolutely ANGELIC. very calm. extremely reasonable. i could almost always explain things to her and it was fine. now it seems like her emotions are hay-wire and she just doesn't know what to do about it.

we especially have a problem with bedtime. we've decided to skip laying down all together and it's now her daddy's job to drive her around until she's asleep. i just find myself getting so frustrated that i end up being almost as much of a wreck as she is!

i would also love any advice that goes along with this!! i try to have special time with her whenever i can lay ds down for a nap and when dh gets home from work and i try to include her in everything baby-related (baby cries, i say "i think the baby might need us, you want to go see?" then i try to give her a job and thank her for being so helpful ... this way, i guess it seems like the baby is making me give her attention too, ykwim?) i just feel like such an awful mommy, especially since i know there's a need there, but she can't tell me and i can't figure it out, and half the time i'm so frustrated that i can't even think about the need, i just need the screaming to stop!

please, all you who have been through the toddler course and have lived (and who's toddlers have lived!) to tell the tale!

you are amazing, please give us your wisdom!

 

[Delacroix]

I don't know how to articulate what I'm thinking...there is a point in time when reasoning with a child is just not an option. Not that this is 'permission' to be physical or anything like that. I'm just saying that reason doesn't work when a child is in certain types of mind sets. Maybe just your own awareness of that would help. Maybe identifying what isn't a viable option at that moment-reasoning with the child-will help you to determine what methods ARE viable.

I don't know if I'm making any sense. I'm really intuitive in these areas, and it's not always easy to convey my thinking.

 

[savithny]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Delacroix I don't know how to articulate what I'm thinking...there is a point in time when reasoning with a child is just not an option. Not that this is 'permission' to be physical or anything like that. I'm just saying that reason doesn't work when a child is in certain types of mind sets. Maybe just your own awareness of that would help. Maybe identifying what isn't a viable option at that moment-reasoning with the child-will help you to determine what methods ARE viable. I don't know if I'm making any sense. I'm really intuitive in these areas, and it's not always easy to convey my thinking.

It makes sense to me...

my DS would just seem to get "stuck" at that age... I remember one night he screamed "I wanna go back to the book house" (bookstore) the entire way home in the car. We'd already stayed until close... we called it "stuck on no" and he couldn't seem to find his way out. When that happened, we'd have to gently physically remove him from the situation, and just wait it out with him, until he was calm enough to be rational (or as rational as your average 3yo could be)

My DS also has always really resisted "overexplaining" or "overreasoning" even now at 6. If you start to go into any kind of detailed explanations, you can just see him shut down. He has a number of sensory issues, and I think he just can't process it all at once. So again, we have to say "We really need to do this now because (VERY concise explanation)." He doesn't tantrum anymore, but he might verbally say "Man, I hate that. WHy do we ahve to leave?" But any kind of *Long* reasoning process turns him off. We repeat the concise explanation. Usually after awhile, he'll ask again and be ready for the longer explanation. But it means that some of the conversations I hear reported from the CL-ers here really wouldn't be possible in our house.

 

[The4OfUs]

Thanks for your input, everyone!

We had a good day yesterday, no huge tears from any of us

Nice to know I'm not alone...