Mothering Forum banner

1 - 20 of 34 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,976 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
and dh thinks I should. I was a sahm for about 3 years. ds is 3 1/2. I now work full time +. My son is a very bright and emotional boy. He has always been a "mama's boy", but adores dh too. The issue (one of my ZILLIONS of issues) is that my dh doesn't do SQUAT for ds and doesn't think he should have to. When I stopped nursing I made it dh's job to put ds to bed (as I'm the one to get him up, dressed, fed, off to preschool. I pick him up from school and give him dinner... and on Sundays It's just him and I as dh watches football. On Saturdays dh insists we stay together as a family. Plus, I do all the house cleaning and use to cook for dh as well, but I've just decided not to do that anymore... ) So, that's all dh does, put the child to bed (and that means reading and laying down w/ him until he's asleep) and dh WHINES about this nightly. Even though he says he doesn't. Well, after almost a year of this dh calls me today at work and says that ds cries for me all night every night... and that he doesn't want to put him down anymore and that I need to do it. He was not willing to trade taking him to preschool/getting him ready for putting him down. He wants me to do it all. He cannot clean the house as he doesn't do a good job... ever.<br><br>
I mean, is this a reason to divorce him? If I'm doing everything... then why do I need him to just give me more to clean up after / emotianally deal with?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,478 Posts
Oh momma...I'm not sure what to say...wow...big decision..<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">s<br><br>
if i come up with anything more *sagey & wisdomy* to say...i'll be back....
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,282 Posts
If you are going to go through the motions of being a single parent, why have the hassle of an extra person?<br><br>
Personally, a guy who would absolutely REFUSE to be a partner in any way, shape, or form, would be a big turnoff to me, and it would be a dealbreaker. How DARE him act like that?<br><br>
Sickening. Absolutely sickening.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,774 Posts
If he is absolutely adamant about doing ANYTHING for DS and leaving it all up to you, I can guarantee your resentment will build up and you will reach a breaking point.<br><br>
Can you name 3 good things your DH does for DS that gives you a resemblance of balance that he doesn't give you lip service about?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,813 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>TinkerBelle</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/6492370"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">If you are going to go through the motions of being a single parent, why have the hassle of an extra person?<br><br>
Personally, a guy who would absolutely REFUSE to be a partner in any way, shape, or form, would be a big turnoff to me, and it would be a dealbreaker. How DARE him act like that?<br><br>
Sickening. Absolutely sickening.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/yeahthat.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="yeah that">: I'd say its time for him to go live with his mommy if he wants to act like a baby which is what he's doing.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
14,874 Posts
This can't be tollerated. It sounds like he's walking all over you.<br><br>
He is not being a parent at all, and that is unacceptable. He needs a wake up call, either in the form of you 'making' him do something, counciling,or anything.<br><br>
It's not fair to you, and it's not fair to your DC.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
836 Posts
Why won't he trade his "job" with DS for another? What is his reasoning/excuse for that? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> I know how hard it can be to feel like you're doing everything and I'm not WOH full time either. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
43,705 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>edamommy</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/6491950"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I mean, is this a reason to divorce him? If I'm doing everything... then why do I need him to just give me more to clean up after / emotianally deal with?</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
I think this is a good reason to give your DH a wake-up call. If he's not going to act like a husband and a father, then why is he in the family? So you can be his maid and sex bunny?<br><br>
I wouldn't throw out the marriage based on just this- DH may honestly not see how unfair he's being. Marital counseling may be in order if he won't listen to you when you tell him you're feeling overwhelmed and resentful. If he won't shape up once he's been made fully aware of things, then I'd consider divorce.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,769 Posts
<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"> my dh does this too mama
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,976 Posts
Discussion Starter · #11 ·
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>GooeyRN</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/6492328"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Just curious, if he doesn't help at all, what does he do all evening??? Just loaf around?</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
<br>
well, when I was nursing bay to sleep he would watch tv or just go to bed himself. Now that he (was) putting him down to sleep he just stays asleep w/ ds... or if I do it he watches tv (sometimes does dishes) and goes to bed
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,976 Posts
Discussion Starter · #12 ·
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>newmommy</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/6492582"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">If he is absolutely adamant about doing ANYTHING for DS and leaving it all up to you, I can guarantee your resentment will build up and you will reach a breaking point.<br><br>
Can you name 3 good things your DH does for DS that gives you a resemblance of balance that he doesn't give you lip service about?</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
<br>
1. he plays w/ him when we get home from work<br><br>
2. on Saturdays he takes him to the dump w/ him and usually plays with him for a few hours w/o me. (well, I'm THERE... just cleaning the house alone)<br><br>
3. ?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,976 Posts
Discussion Starter · #13 ·
I want to add that he's not abusive. He is... like an old dog... he doesn't react to me getting angry.. he acuses anything above a normal quite voice as being "yelling". He is docile, at best. It's hard to explain... to the average person he comes off as the nicest man alive...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,976 Posts
Discussion Starter · #14 ·
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>FEDUP</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/6494228"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"> my dh does this too mama</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
tell me about your situation... I want to feel not alone w/ this...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,769 Posts
Hi mama. My dh and I have been married for almost 4 years, ds is 33 months old. I had SEVERE PPD after the birth of ds. I lived 4000 miles from family. Dh worked nights, slept all day long. I did ALL the night wakings. I did ALL the day wakings. I did it all. Dh has only been alone with ds for 1 hour each time about 7 times. During the 33 months of my sons arrival, i have had 19 teeth pulled, a minor back surgery, small flus, PPD to the extreme, and yet, there I am ....doing everything for ds. And also everything around the house, etc. Dh has only changed ds diaper about 10 times. Dh just got a job yesterday, after being unemployed for 5 months. During dhs home time, he still did nothing. These are the things he does<br><br>
1)takes a bath everynight with ds(i have to bring ds in, undress him, wash him, get him and dry him, and dress him)<br>
2)??<br>
3)??<br><br>
seriously. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/gloomy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Gloomy">:<br><br>
No alone time for me. Ever. Even when I doing something pretty important or just need space. Nope.<br><br>
I have never been shopping alone. I have never been to the dr. alone. (since ds arrival i mean). Dh cant or wont watch him while I do anything. Cleaning, cooking, etc even working at home from the pc....ds is there by my side. As he is now as i type this..dh is *soaking in the tub*. I am pretty resentful and many many times consider divorce as i feel like single parent 99.9% of the time anyway. I wish i could make my mind up. I love my dh though. he just wont do anything mama.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,282 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>FEDUP</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/6495099"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Hi mama. My dh and I have been married for almost 4 years, ds is 33 months old. I had SEVERE PPD after the birth of ds. I lived 4000 miles from family. Dh worked nights, slept all day long. I did ALL the night wakings. I did ALL the day wakings. I did it all. Dh has only been alone with ds for 1 hour each time about 7 times. During the 33 months of my sons arrival, i have had 19 teeth pulled, a minor back surgery, small flus, PPD to the extreme, and yet, there I am ....doing everything for ds. And also everything around the house, etc. Dh has only changed ds diaper about 10 times. Dh just got a job yesterday, after being unemployed for 5 months. During dhs home time, he still did nothing. These are the things he does<br><br>
1)takes a bath everynight with ds(i have to bring ds in, undress him, wash him, get him and dry him, and dress him)<br>
2)??<br>
3)??<br><br>
seriously. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/gloomy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Gloomy">:<br><br>
No alone time for me. Ever. Even when I doing something pretty important or just need space. Nope.<br><br>
I have never been shopping alone. I have never been to the dr. alone. (since ds arrival i mean). Dh cant or wont watch him while I do anything. Cleaning, cooking, etc even working at home from the pc....ds is there by my side. As he is now as i type this..dh is *soaking in the tub*. I am pretty resentful and many many times consider divorce as i feel like single parent 99.9% of the time anyway. I wish i could make my mind up. I love my dh though. he just wont do anything mama.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
<br>
Have you ever just thought about plopping DS down with DH and just getting your keys/purse and just leaving? Especially since he wasn't working for 5 months.<br><br>
My husband definitely has his issues. But not parenting his own children is not one of them.<br><br>
Some of you put up with stuff that I would just go nuts and smack my DH upside the head if I had to deal with it. My heart goes out to you.<br><br>
Again, I have to ask WHY these "boys" even bother to marry and/or produce children? IMO, society and innocent kids would be better served if they had vasectomies. I know I sound harsh, but this kind of thing just makes my blood BOIL.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,769 Posts
Again, I have to ask WHY these "boys" even bother to marry and/or produce children? IMO, society and innocent kids would be better served if they had vasectomies. I know I sound harsh, but this kind of thing just makes my blood BOIL.sigh. I agree with you mama.<br><br><br>
As for the plopping dh down and just leaving. I forgot to mention that my 12 yo ds(different father) broke his wrist sunday night over here and i had to rush off to the er with him, leaving dh with ds for OMG...FOUR hours.(longest ever). when i got home at 11pm dh had put ds to bed for the first time in his 33 months of life . there had been no bath given or no teeth brushed though. then he had the nerve to say ds drove him *crazy!*<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,774 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>edamommy</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/6491950"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I mean, is this a reason to divorce him?</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
<br>
If your DS was only an infant, I would say "No edamommy, this is not a reason to divorce him. Give him time... He is probably just uncomfortable around little babies...most men are <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/blahblah.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="blah blah"> "<br><br>
BUT, your DS is <b>3</b>. WELL beyond the infant stage. He is certainly at an age where your DH can *enjoy* him since you no longer have to deal with colic and teething.<br><br>
You are a *Single Mama* in a Marriage and Your DH is just plain Selfish.<br><br>
Selfish.Selfish.Selfish.<br><br>
Do you still have to perform your <b><i>wifely duties</i></b> as well?<br><br>
It's almost as if he resents your DS. Is that true? Did he even *want* kids to begin with?<br><br>
He sounds extremely disconnected from his son. Was there any bonding between them?<br><br>
I would feel extremely heartbroken if DH acted this way to DS. To protect DS, if I didn't see any changes/effort being made, then Yes. DH NOT parenting his child...the child HE helped created, would be a deal breaker for me and I would seek divorce after ALL options have been exhausted and there is nothing left for me to do.<br><br>
Practicality would rein and as a Working Mommy, I would quietly start *planning* and get my finances in order, call attorneys, find Child Care (in my case...DS is with DH during the day) and do what *I* gotta do.<br><br>
I understand you can't simply announce "I want a divorce" and then pack up and leave. When a child is involved, you have to Plan Plan and Plan. Every i dotted and T crossed. I totally understand that.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,774 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>FEDUP</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/6496051"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">leaving dh with ds for OMG...FOUR hours.(longest ever). when i got home at 11pm dh had put ds to bed for the first time in his 33 months of life . then he had the nerve to say ds drove him *crazy!*<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">:</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/banghead.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="banghead">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,188 Posts
I do it all pretty much with my youngest child as well. If I'm sick or just too busy then my DH will get up and get things for her. But most of all he tells me to do it. She can want a glass of milk and he will be in the kitchen by the fridge and still yell for me to come and get her a glass of milk. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> Tha'ts just how he's always been. I figure in another couple years she will be able to get stuff for herself so I just put up with it. It's better than arguing. Most of it is that he just KNOWS I'm going to do it. I've done it for my oldest two for so long and it's just habit for me. I think he takes advantage of that. He does do *some* other things for her but if it's something she is ASKING for then he always gets me to do it.
 
1 - 20 of 34 Posts
Top