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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I just typed out a huge post, and I lost it <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br>
We were at the mall a few weeks ago, and DH had DS (18 months) on his shoulders, I asked him to hold him in his arms until we get to the bottom, he said there was no difference if he fell on the escalator, or if he fell on a flat surface with ds on his shou;ders. I think there is a huge difference in a flat surface, and going down a sharp edged escalator with a kid on your shoulders. If he told me it made him uncomfortable, i would have held him in my arms for the 2 seconds it takes to go down.<br><br>
Last night we were at a Thanksgiving potluck at DS's school. We were in the gym, so the kids had things to play with while we ate. I only redirected ds twice, once when he was about to pull dishes off of the table, and another when he was playing in the ice bucket (I didn't want him to get wet, then have to go out in the cold). DH kept telling me to "leave him alone and let him play". I never stopped him from playing, I just redirected him those 2 times. I didn't even make him eat if he didn't want to.<br><br>
DH was giving him iced tea. I asked him to not, and to give him his juice instead. He kept on doing it. Then he said something like "ask your mom". I was like, what? My mom has given ds sips of coke, and when I found out, I asked her not to do that anymore, and every time I leave him with her, I tell her "no coke". I think he was thinking I was saying something to him about the tea, but I didn't tell my mom anything about the coke.<br><br>
When we got home last night, I calmly asked him not to speak to me like he did. He thinks he whispers low, but people can hear him. At first, he said ok, but a few hours later he brought it up again. He said I act like he doesn't know what he's doing. I told him I know that he knows what he's doing, and he's a great father, but if I see something I don't like, or am uncomfortable with, am I supposed to keep quiet. FTR, I only say something about stuff that really bothers me (tea, and escalator),. 99% of the other stuff, I just don't mention it to him. I told him that I feel like he disregards my feelings all of the time because if I tell him I don't like something, he just keeps doing it because HE thinks it's okay. It might not be the end of the worls, but I would hope that he respects my feelings enough to care about how I feel.<br>
I told him last night that we are supposed to be a team, and as soon as I was about to say "but it doesn't feel like it", he blurted out "we're not".<br><br>
I'm so tired of not being able to bring up anything to him without him getting defensive or offended. We can't have a normal conversation. Everything turns into an argument, or competition. For instance, I work every 24 hours weekend, but I get paid for full time hours. We were talking about me working through the week, and DH said something about me working full time. I said (in a light-hearted tone), I do work fulltime, actually, I have 2 full time jobs (work, and DS during the week). He pipes up with, "I work 2 full time jobs too". I wasn't even talking about him, and I wasn't talking about work in that context. It is always a competition. If i didn't sleep well, he didn't. If I don't feel well, he doesn't. I am so tired of arguing, and feeling like I can't have a normal conversation with my husband.
 

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It sounds like you guys need to start talking about parenting.<br><br>
Personally, I don't see a single thing wrong with a shoulder ride on an escalator. My DH claims that his lack of hips makes carrying kids in his arms uncomfortable and the easier way to carry them is on his shoulders. I've never seen a kid who was cooperating look unstable up there.<br><br>
And it sounds like you guys need to get on the same page WRT food. And a Thanksgiving potluck probably isn't the best place to do that.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
I actually thought we were on the same page. I think as ds has gotten bigger, dh has become more lax. That's fine for certain things like cookies and ice cream, but not caffeine and soda.<br><br>
I userstand that some people wouldn't think twiceabout the escalator, but I don't want him to just disregard my feelings either way.
 

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I definitely think it is dangerous for a shoulder-ride on an escalator and DH agrees. It seems like there are quite a few different and very dangerous ways to potentially fall. ITA with you.<br><br>
I'm sorry it feels like DH disregards your feelings. No advice to offer there but it sounds really frustrating. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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Sounds like you need to talk. It seems that perhaps he feels you correct him a lot more than you feel you do.
 

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I've learned that I have to let my dh parent in his own way. Yes, we agree on things like no spanking and stuff, but the instances you've described I would have let go. My husband just as much a capable parent as I am. I don't need to correct his way of doing things. He discovered that koolaid is not a great drink for a 1.5 year old all on his own on his day off from work. Natural consequences baby. (hee hee hee)
 

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In addition to the danger of shoulder-riding on an escalator -- a little's one head landing on a stair edge is WAY worse than landing on a solid surface -- if, gods forbid, that ever did happen, the financial expense would be all on you. There's no way the insurance of the building you were in would cover that kind of injury because every escalator I've ever seen has had clear instructions on how to use it (no sitting, using the hand rail, etc.), and shoulder riding is definitely NOT on there.<br><br>
It seems pretty disrespectful of your dh to take that risk with someone else's insurance and to ignore the rules posted on the escalator. What kind of role modeling does that provide for your son?
 

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dw and I periodically have done therapy together. We believe in therapy not just when things are wrong, but as a way to keep things right. A while back, we got a free therapy program as a family because we participated in a research project. dw and I took 12 weeks or something to just get together once a week with the therapist and chat with one another about our parenting values, decisions, etc. I can't tell you how helpful it is. The therapist was very neutral for us as we talked about different decisions, which allowed us to explore difference in our parenting attitudes without values judgements from the therapist.<br><br>
If you have insurance and it covers any amount of therapy/counseling, or if you could afford a few sessions out of pocket, or if you can find a research project/study like we did, I highly recommend it.<br><br>
Things definitely do change as our kids get older. For us, one of the big differences dw and I noticed is that as our kids have gotten older, its become more and more clear that "a spirit of adventure" is part of my family values system. dw likes adventure but values much more highly things like routine, order, etc. We've had to work together on ways that we can both express our values within our family system.
 

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It sounds like you and DH need to get on the same page about parenting, eating and the way you talk to each other especially in front of DS. I personally would not want DD riding on her fathers shoulders on an escalator. If it bothers you I don't see the harm in him not doing that just to make YOU feel comfortable. If he thinks it's silly, he's entitled to feel that way but it was a small request on your part.<br><br>
I also wouldn't want DD playing in the ice, getting wet and then going out in the cold. I don't know if this is your first and only child but when DH and I had DD it was an adjustment and still is. I agree with Sierra about therapy. If it very helpful IF you have the right person.
 

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I am moving this to Parents as Partners <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>suebee79</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/14704780"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I've learned that I have to let my dh parent in his own way. Yes, we agree on things like no spanking and stuff, but the instances you've described I would have let go. My husband just as much a capable parent as I am. I don't need to correct his way of doing things. He discovered that koolaid is not a great drink for a 1.5 year old all on his own on his day off from work. Natural consequences baby. (hee hee hee)</div>
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Ditto this. DH and I are equal partners in parenting, which means occasionally I just have to deal with DH doing things in a way that I wouldn't. I only say something when I see something that is an immediate danger.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>yasinsmama</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/14704457"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I userstand that some people wouldn't think twiceabout the escalator, but I don't want him to just disregard my feelings either way.</div>
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What about his feelings?<br><br>
He's a parent too. His "feelings" matter just as much as yours do.
 

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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">but I don't want him to just disregard my feelings either way.</td>
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Then don't disregard his either. I think that second guessing him is disrespectful too. You also said that he was a great dad, but then mentioned that you keep you mouth shut about 99% of the other stuff he does (other than the caffeine and escalator).<br><br>
Which is it? You either trust his judgement or you don't.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>suebee79</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/14704780"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I've learned that I have to let my dh parent in his own way. Yes, we agree on things like no spanking and stuff, but the instances you've described I would have let go. My husband just as much a capable parent as I am. I don't need to correct his way of doing things. He discovered that koolaid is not a great drink for a 1.5 year old all on his own on his day off from work. Natural consequences baby. (hee hee hee)</div>
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I have to say that I agree. I also used to sort of "direct" my DH a bit on certain things, and I really didn't think I did it a lot. Until the poor man snapped! At first I was really angry and hurt, but then I saw that he was right. Once I looked at things from his perspective, I really tried to change how I handled those kinds of situations.<br><br>
DH felt like I was basically saying he wasn't capable of making simple decisions about our child's safety or eating habits. Yes, he still does something occasionally that makes me cringe...but I also know that he feels that he has the situation under control. And you know what? She's gotten hurt more times with me, than with him.<br>
DH also felt embarrassed that I was always "correcting" him in front of our DD. You seem upset about the way he spoke to you in front of others...he might feel the same way. Seems to me like your DH was just trying to be honest in saying that you guys aren't a team...he doesn't feel that way. He feels like his teammate is telling him that there is a right way to do things, and it's not the way he's doing them!<br><br>
Now, I don't think your DH is handling things great in regards to communicating with you. Neither did mine. But once I was able to choke down some of my hurt and let go of being "right", I saw that DH had some very valid points, and we started working together to change things. If you guys try to talk it through and can't, I would definitely go to a therapist. I think a LOT of couples hit this problem, it is just one of the ways that parenthood can cause some bumps in a marriage!
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>JL83</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/14705673"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">What about his feelings?<br><br>
He's a parent too. His "feelings" matter just as much as yours do.</div>
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I don't think this is about his feelings. This is about how he's making a risky choice with their kid, and the mom has a right to say something about it if it worries her, just as hopefully he would do with her.<br><br>
I too would say something if my child's father had our child, as a baby, on his shoulders and not even hanging onto him. Of course it's more dangerous...not only the stairs, but of course you can fall <i>farther</i>. If it was a babysitter making a dumb choice about care-giving I'd say something, and if it was the father making a dumb choice I'd say something, and I'd hope someone would say something to me if it looked like my kid was in a precarious position. It's not the time to be PC. I agree with the OP that it's the fact that he's not even taking her concerns into consideration. Some parents have less common sense than others, that's just a fact, and I don't see anything wrong with being able to tell your partner if something isn't okay.
 

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I think you're allowed to have things that you are just not comfortable with and in a good relationship then your partner would listen and make adjustments.<br><br>
I definitely agree that the escalator thing is way too risky and I would not be happy at all. You fall when you are carrying a baby in your arms you can wrap your body around and protect them. You don't have that control when they are on your shoulders.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>MissLotus</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/14707402"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I don't think this is about his feelings. This is about how he's making a risky choice with their kid, and the mom has a right to say something about it if it worries her, just as hopefully he would do with her.<br><br>
I too would say something if my child's father had our child, as a baby, on his shoulders and not even hanging onto him. Of course it's more dangerous...not only the stairs, but of course you can fall <i>farther</i>. If it was a babysitter making a dumb choice about care-giving I'd say something, and if it was the father making a dumb choice I'd say something, and I'd hope someone would say something to me if it looked like my kid was in a precarious position. It's not the time to be PC. I agree with the OP that it's the fact that he's not even taking her concerns into consideration. Some parents have less common sense than others, that's just a fact, and I don't see anything wrong with being able to tell your partner if something isn't okay.</div>
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I think it's OK for the OP to tell her DH that she's not really comfortable with something. But if you look at it objectively, there isn't actually a huge increase of risk from normal shoulder riding to doing so on an escalator. There;s an increase in what could happen if something went wrong, but not an increase in something going wrong.<br><br>
Maybe I see this differently because my DH is the nervous nellie in our relationship. He's the one who would freak out about the stuff at the playground I let our DD climb on, or which slides I let her go down on her own at an early age. It was a big pain. The kid was fine and I was her parent too.<br><br>
TRUST is a very important part of any relationship. I think the OP should figure out how to let go of micromanaging her DH and save her comments for the actual big things.
 

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It does sound like your dh does not feel like he is being emotionally "validated".<br><br>
I also think you need to trust his judgement. Yes there are times you need to keep your mouth shut.<br><br>
I wouldn't think the shoulder riding was anymore risky on the esculators. I can see it bothering you did you ask or did you tell? Did you think about using the elavator? I personally hate having a baby in arms on anytype of steps -- my issue because I fell down the normal steps with my son in arms. Until we got past the toddler stage we ussually just utilized elevators.<br><br><br>
As for the tea? Why not? That tea most likely had less sugar than juice. The ammount he drank was most likely not that much and not that bad. Actually in MODERATION, like juice, tea can be benificial. I am thinking a small serving at a meal verses all day drinking should be ignored. I would not agree if it was soda but a small amount of tea would not bother me.<br><br>
You didn't like being talk to that way but I dont' think he likes being talk to the way you are. That is why there is issues.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Roxswood</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/14707554"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I think you're allowed to have things that you are just not comfortable with and in a good relationship then your partner would listen and make adjustments.<br><br>
I definitely agree that the escalator thing is way too risky and I would not be happy at all. You fall when you are carrying a baby in your arms you can wrap your body around and protect them. You don't have that control when they are on your shoulders.</div>
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This is exactly what I told him. I said at least if you fall down an escalator with him in your arms, you can hold on tight and try to protect his head. I asked him to imagine ds on his shoulders and him falling on an escalator. I don't even want to think about it, but you never know. I think he was just saying it wasn't any more dangerous because sometimes he likes to disagree just for the sake of disagreeing.<br><br>
Thanks for your comments and suggestions everyone. We did talk last night. I suggested that we go to counseling, if nothing, to learn how to effectively communicate with each other. We got some things off of our chest last night without arguing about it (shocker). He suggested different ways for me to tell him things, instead of nagging, or talking to him like he doesn't know what he's doing. I asked him to take my feelings into consideration, no matter how silly he thinks the issue is, and not to brush me off. I told him I would not say anything else to him about the things he does to DS, as long as he never holds him on his shoulders going down an escalator. He agreed. I told him he could give him coffee tea and coke if he wanted, if he thought that would benefit ds.<br><br>
I think, sometimes, like with the iced tea incident, he knows ds doesn't need to be drinking it, but just because I asked him to not do that, he keeps on just out of stubbornness. We are both stubborn, but we will work on it.<br>
Thanks everyone.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>JL83</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/14708625"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I think it's OK for the OP to tell her DH that she's not really comfortable with something. But if you look at it objectively, there isn't actually a huge increase of risk from normal shoulder riding to doing so on an escalator. <b>There;s an increase in what could happen if something went wrong, but not an increase in something going wrong.</b> Maybe I see this differently because my DH is the nervous nellie in our relationship. He's the one who would freak out about the stuff at the playground I let our DD climb on, or which slides I let her go down on her own at an early age. It was a big pain. The kid was fine and I was her parent too.<br><br>
TRUST is a very important part of any relationship. I think the OP should figure out how to let go of micromanaging her DH and save her comments for the actual big things.</div>
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I agree. I wasn't worried about something going wrong <i>because</i> he was on is shoulders, I was worried about something going <i>worse</i> if he was up there.
 
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