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Okay, DS is almost 20 months, and he has seemed fine throughout this our entire divorce, X comes to see him or take him to his house and then drops him off... no biggie and DS has fun.<br><br>
Well the last two times X has dropped off DS, DS stands at the door screaming for between 15 minutes and 30.... screaming, and crying, "Daddy bye bye, my daddy" over and over and over... and it is breaking my heart!!!!<br><br>
I tried redirecting his attention else where, I've tried chocolate soymilk, I don't know what to do... I don't want to leave him there to cry because 1.) I'd have to be a heartless meanie-poo, and 2.) I don't want him to feel abandoned by mommmy AND daddy, KWIM???<br><br>
Any help would be great thanks...<br><br>
-Meghan
 

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no not let stbx 'leave your son'.<br>
Maybe meet him down the street, at a park, then ds can leave daddy, but daddy doesn't leave him. Or if you can get someone else to help drop him off so he leaves daddy at daddy's house but grandma picks him up. Or if you have any neutral sites if ds goes to preschool, or you have a childcare at your gym. Or if you could pick him up at his dad's house? If you are friendly suggest maybe occasionally doing something together so that ds doesn't think seeing daddy always means mommy will leave or daddy. I'd suggest if he's going to come over for a visit it not always be in your house, but meet at the park, mall, zoo..<br><br>
Picking him up at home is great then your ds thinks 'mommy is home' ds is leaving you to go with daddy you aren't leaving ds, ds will also feel secure knowing you are in his house 'always'.<br><br>
Also think of some transitional routines, for leaving (20 months old they like mini backpacks with his stuffies, snacks etc) and for seeing you again like a snack, comfort blanket, toy, books.
 

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Would gently transitioning him back into your care be an option? Have ex stay for 30 mins the first week, 20 mins the next, 10 mins and so on so that he knows both of you are there for him and will always be there for him, it's just that you live in two seperate houses now?<br><br>
If thats not an option, I just think you need to somewhat talk to him about it on his level "mommy lives at mommys house, daddy lives at daddys house, and we love you so very much but we cant spend time together anymore" I usually do the "you can't see daddy right now because it's not a daddy day, but would you like to call him?" approach. Maybe your son is too young to do that, but how about offering him an activity to do "for daddy" like color daddy a picture for next time or somethig to that effect. I'm thinking that if you acknowledge daddy and keep continually saying the whole "daddy lives at daddys house now" mantra, he'll slowly catch on.<br><br>
Oh and I know this works with my anal retentive DD (hmm.. wonder where she gets it from <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/redface.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Embarrassment"> ) is that we always have a "calendar" just for her with activities. Like green highlighted days are daddy days, so she can count down the days until it's daddy day again so shes not constantly asking me <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/duck.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Duck">: I think her being in a routine and "seeing" the routine helped her to transition as well<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> I"m so sorry this is happening. I know how heart breaking it is. I'm sick of being the meanie poo mom too. It really stings.
 

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We also do a calendar. This is a big help for my dc - especially ds. He's able to go and look.<br><br>
I like the transition ideas. Those are great.<br><br>
How does his dad handle transition on his end? He might need to start talking to ds before he drops him off. "We're going to go back to mommy's house and then daddy's going to leave- we'll see each other on ... " Walk ds through what to expect and what's happening.<br><br>
I also think it's ok to hold them while they cry. Let him know that you know it's hard. Go to the calendar and show him when he gets to see dad again. Then maybe even drawing dad a picture and put it in an envelope to send to his dad.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"> - this is hard - take care, mama
 

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my dd's went through this during their last visitation..they would cry and cry and I knew they missed their dad and I tried to help them with their grief by drawing pictures, talking about it, ect .<br>
then one day i heard ex tell them "your mom is taking you away from me" (even though he will not call for weeks on end) and he started crying and acting like i was "stealing the kids" and my dd's get so confused.<br><br>
it's horrible.
 

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I think the idea of reversing the separation is a great one... a child who doesn't react well to being left can do great when they're the one who is leaving.<br><br>
At that age, especially, my DS would be OK if he went with daddy to run an errand (we were still together at that point), but he wouldn't have been OK with me leaving him.
 

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My DS does this too. We've tried various transitions, and he still get bummed.<br><br>
The most important thing I think I do is honour how he's feeling. "I know, you get sad when Dad leaves/when we leave Dad's. Its ok to be sad. You miss Dad when he's not here", etc, etc. And reassure him about when the next visit is happening.<br><br>
Divorce sucks and this is the worst freaking part.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Blue Dragonfly</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7999853"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
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The most important thing I think I do is honour how he's feeling. "I know, you get sad when Dad leaves/when we leave Dad's. Its ok to be sad. You miss Dad when he's not here", etc, etc. And reassure him about when the next visit is happening.<br><br>
Divorce sucks and this is the worst freaking part.</div>
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ITA -<br>
I think it's so important to honor their feelings. They need to be able to feel the feelings- if not, I think they will come out in unhealthy ways. I think it's the hardest part of divorce - sitting with them and their grief - allowing them to cry and be mad, frustrated and confused - talking them through it.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
OK, well I took that advice... we met at the mall and the FT (whoops I mean my X, you don't want to know what FT stands for... lol) and DS took off in the stroller and then I left, and they went to the park for a few hours, then the X called (well, texted, we're not great at the talking to each other thing yet) and I went to the park and picked up DS, so that DS was leaving his dad rather than the other way around.<br><br><br>
He still kinda cried, but it only lasted until we were in the car and then he was fine (requesting the Wiggles be played, but fine) <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br><br>
When he started to cry I told him, "Its OK to be sad, you're going to miss Daddy but you will see him again tomorrow." which seemed to calm him down...<br><br>
He's a little too young to comprehend the calendar thing, but its a great plan for when he is a little older!<br><br>
Thanks very much for all your help mamas... I knew we could make this easier on DS!!!
 
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