[FallingLeaves]

DSS just turned 18. My DH is working away right now but DSS has been coming to visit. DH bought him a car that needs work before he left so I'm sure he will be coming over eow until my FIL gets the car fixed. DSS asked FIL if his friend could come spend the weekend. My IL's and I are not comfortable having a kid spend the weekend with us that we don't know so FIL told him no. This kid is around 16 and DSS has just recently become friends with him. DSS asked FIL again and FIL again told him no. So DSS said he is going to email DH about the friend being able to spend the night. Do you let your DSC have sleep overs at your house and would you let an 18 yo DSC have sleep overs?

 

[greenemami]

well, what are your concerns about having his friend over? My kids are quite a bit younger, so we are just getting into sleepovers etc., but yes, we would let dsd have a friend to sleep over as long as the parents were comfortable with it. Would you be more okay with just a night versus the whole weekend? AGain, I guess I would need to know what your hesitation was before offerring any advice. I see that your dh wouldn't actually be there-is that the problems?

 

[violet_]

I guess at 18 I think of it less as a "sleepover" and more like having a friend over for the weekend. I certainly had friends over frequently at that age. I would certainly allow it if I had no reason to distrust the friend. Is there something making you suspicious of his friend?

Now, separate from that, we do have a one-parent veto policy here. So, if for some reason I said no, there's no way DH would overrule and allow it (or vice versa). But in this case, going only on what you've said so far, I think both of us would allow it without hesitation.

 

[Oriole]

A quick answer - I'd have no problems with it.

A longer answer - DSD is about to turn 17 (she lives with us FT), if she invited a girlfriend to spend the night - we'd say yes, provided this does not interfere with anyone's prior commitments, there is no conflict with work / cars, and her friend's parents are aware of where she is.

 

[Smithie]

Your stepson asked your FATHER-IN-LAW if he could bring over another guy to stay at YOUR house? And then, having showed his total disrespect by asking the wrong person, doesn't want to take no for an answer?

You. need. to. draw. the. line. Your husband and his son are treating you like garbage. Stand up for yourself and your daughters. This is only going to get worse if you don't nip it in the bud now. When Dad is out of town, you make the house rules, and anybody who doesn't care for them is welcome to stay with his mom.

 

[Oriole]

I wanted to add that my reply did not include the complexity of living with in-laws, and disrespecting the "no" given by the people who actually own the house.

On one hand - the answer he received should be the final answer in this case.

On another hand - it probably would not have been an issue in our house, since we would have said "yes".

On a whole other hand - if your dss wants to lead an independent life - time to get his own apartment and pay his own bills.

 

[JBaxter]

My sons 18 & 15 and have friends spend nights when he is at his dads house. Is there some underlying issues that you dont want his friend to stay? What makes you feel uncomfortable?

I would MUCH rather have a house of teens in MY home than staying some place else where I couldtn monitor

 

[FallingLeaves]

There are several reasons I'm not comfortable with it. I guess the main reason is that DH isn't home. Another reason is that we don't know the kid. I tend to be on the over protective side and I have two young DD's and am not comfortable exposing them to someone I don't know for an entire weekend. DSS has had a sudden change in attitude and actions since hanging out with this friend so it has lead IL's and me to believe he may not be the best influence.

The whole disrespecting my authority in my own home bothers me too. The last time he was over he asked FIL if he could build an addition onto our (DH and my) shed/garage because he and his new friend wanted to become mechanics and open a "garage". But that's another issue.

When I was that age, I wasn't having friends spend the night. I know I have said this in other posts, but I spent my teenage years taking care of my mom so I don't know what is typical of that age. It sounds like most people wouldn't mind a stranger spending the night but that's too far out of my comfort zone.

 

[FallingLeaves]

Smithie - I know I need to nip it in the bud! This entire siutation is causing so much anxiety - I am seriously looking for a counselor to help me deal with these issues.

Oriole - I couldn't agree more with if he wants to lead an independent life it's time to get his own apartment and pay his own bills.

He called FIL today because his mom is furious with him. He called her just before he was going to get his tongue pierced and she went bonkers. She "says" she is going to take everything away from him and stop paying his bills. I don't know the details but my guess is that he must have been showing off in front of his friend/friends and was really too scared to go through with it so he calls her at the last minute as a way out. I could go on and on with the things he's been doing in the short time since he's turned 18. He just doesn't get that he has to follow the rules of the home that he is living in. I'm just not up to dealing with this stuff.

 

[neonalee]

Sounds like there is a lot more going on here then just having a friend over, but to address that situation only ... I always had friends over, often for the weekend. HOWEVER, my parents already knew them. My parents knew their parents (well or just casually, but did know them) and where they lived. If this were just a simple question of whether or not to allow sleepovers I would say - first have the friend over for lunch or for the afternoon a couple times when you will be home the entire time, and maybe DH too. Then decide - maybe 1 overnight, maybe eventually the weekend, depending on how you felt about the friend.

All friends were always at my house growing up. I found out when older my parents did that to keep an eye on us

 

[VocalMinority]

Quote:

Originally Posted by JL'smom Do you let your DSC have sleep overs at your house and would you let an 18 yo DSC have sleep overs?

Why not?

My husband has an older son who was almost out of college when we got married and generally stays overnight at his mom's, if he's in town. But when we got married and my husband moved into what had been my house (better school district for the younger ones!), I made a point of telling my step-son that while I had no wish to compete with his mom, we'll always have a bed or a pull-out sofa for him, if for any reason he wants to stay here overnight. Growing up, I wasn't a second mother to him and this wasn't his second home, but ideally he should feel as welcome here as if it were. It's his father's home, now - whether his father's out of town on business or not. And he certainly has friends from college who are in town with him for the weekend, sometimes - or old high school friends he's going out with for the night - who would also need to stay over, if he slept here some night.

As far as step-kids' friends spending the night in general, my husband also has a 10-year-old son who lives with us. Of course he has friends sleep over. It's his home. Even if he lived with his mom, he could still have sleepovers here, on weekends or in the summer.

As far as not knowing the friend, what better way to find out what kind of kids your step-son's hanging out with, than by hosting them in your home?

 

[mtiger]

We're always having kids spend the night - at least I know where they are. And I assume that, next year when he goes to college, there will be occasions when my son will bring friends home for the weekend/over break. I did when I was in college, and my parent always welcomed any friend of mine.