[Mama Poot]

My son's first birthday party is Sunday. I intend to invite all of his close relatives. My mom and dad have been divorced for 20 years, and I still have to deal with my mom's immaturity to accept the situation. DS isn't the one who decided to get divorced- THEY did. So I don't feel he or anyone else should have to suffer for their decision. I'm not having two different parties, one for my mom's side and one for my dad's side. DS has a right to see everyone he knows. My grandfather and his wife had stopped by one day to visit, as they often do since his wife's mother lives in a nearby nursing home. My mom called and was nearby and I invited her over, but she refused just because my grandpa was here.

: The man doesn't give two shits about things that happened 20 years ago. She's just so childish about this stuff it drives me up the wall. DH thinks I should invite everyone I want to, and if anyone has the gall to ruin the party, well then they must not care much about DS. He also remembers seeing an article about this very issue in Ann Landers once, and even she said that regardless of whether the people are divorced, the child shouldn't suffer for that decision. I guess i'm curious how others would handle this situation, or if you already have, what did you do?

 

[muckemom]

I'd tell her she's invited and that so is your father and if she would like to attend her grandchild's birthday than she needs to be an adult and realize that the day is not all about her.

 

[muckemom]

Quote:

Originally Posted by muckemom I'd tell her she's invited and that so is your father and if she would like to attend her grandchild's birthday than she needs to be an adult and realize that the day is not all about her.

Darn it - that was rude...

I mean't just calmly explain to her how much it stresses you out, and perhaps the knowledge that she's making you unhappy will cause her to tone it down a bit.

 

[Maggie05]

I would just invite all the people who you want to come to the party. That's it. (Hope you have a great party!)

 

[Nicole77]

That sounds a lot like my grandparents when I was growing up. My grandfather refused to be anywhere that my grandmother was even though they had been divorced for decades. My parents just always invited both, told my grandfather that my grandmother was coming and that it was up to him whether or not he would attend. My grandmother never had a problem being civil with him at gatherings so they made it his call whether or not he would come and behave like a grown-up or miss out.

He chose to miss out on anything she attended and as a result didn't attend almost any event of ours as kids or adults, including our weddings. As a grown-up (and as a kid at the time) I always felt like it was his own idiocy that kept him away and clearly he cared more about decades-old feuds than his own grandkids. Didn't hurt us so much as disgust us.

I think I would tell my mom something similar if we were in this boat. "Look, we are inviting all members of our family; we would be thrilled to have you there. It is your decision if you can get past this issue and put family ahead of it. I hope you can make it."

Good luck.

 

[onlyzombiecat]

Dh's parents are divorced. We invited both of them to dd's b-day parties without any discussion. If they chose not to come it would be their loss. We didn't expect them to be friends. The party wasn't about them. Both came to dd's first b-day and it was fine.

 

[lilyka]

invite them all and let them sort it out. she may be more comfortable inviting you guys over to supper later to celebrate. I would accomodate my mom on somethng small like that, not another party all together, just a chance for her to have a little celebration if she absolutely cannot be in teh same room as her ex-husband (I honestly don't know that I would be any different, when someone has hurt you so bad . . . )

 

[Oka-san]

You could have different timing for them both, like your mom could come over for the first half of the party and your dad could come for the second half, and maybe have the cake and presents in the middle and they could both be there for that? If they each know the other is going to come/leave/be at the party at a certain time then they could enjoy the party and also choose whether or not to stay when the other one is there (if they really can't stomach being together).

This is coming from a person who DID have two celebrations this year to accommodate my divorced parents and DD's b-day, with two cakes and everything, but it's a thought. Good luck!

 

[Clarinet]

If she has a history of bad behaviour around your father, I don't think it's rude at all to tell her that the both of them are invited, she can come if she wants but you are not excluding your father and if she can't act nicely and is disrupting the party, you will ask her to leave.

 

[kewb]

Welcome to my life.

Invite them both. Tell grandma that you definately want her at the party and that she will be missed if she chooses not to attend. Also explain that if anyone (you don't want her to feel singled out) creates any disruptions they will be asked to leave.

 

[oceanbaby]

Quote:

Originally Posted by onlyzombiecat Dh's parents are divorced. We invited both of them to dd's b-day parties without any discussion. If they chose not to come it would be their loss. We didn't expect them to be friends. The party wasn't about them. Both came to dd's first b-day and it was fine.

Ditto (except it's my parents). I spent too much time as a child with double celebrations and conflicted loyalties. I swore I'd never put that on my kids. So since they were born I have refused to separate events. "You want to stop by on Christmas? Go ahead. I don't know when mom will be here and I won't coordinate it. If it's important to you then give her a call and coordinate it yourself. If not then deal. Hopefully we'll see you then."

 

[LiamnEmma]

Didn't read the other responses...

Been there, refused to do that. We don't actually have many parties for our kids, but we do regularly hold Thanksgiving in our home and I invite both sets of parents. There was some point where I decided, just as you (and, evidently, Ann Landers) said, that it wasn't my fault, it was my parents divorce, and they have to deal with it on their own.

Over time, my father has come to understand (actually, I suspect it's his wife, I doubt he cares too particularly much) that if he wants to see his grandchildren at XYZ function, he shall have to see his ex-wife as well, provided she's in the area.

Sorry. It really sucks. I know.

 

[Sagesgirl]

I agree with those who have said to invite them both & warn your mother ahread of time that you have done so. (Actually, warn your dad too...) Feel free to ask her to leave if she is behaving like a disruptive child. You should NOT have to deal with your parents' divorce at all; you're the child in that situation. It's not up to you to baby sit your mother.

 

[tangozulu]

I agree with everyone here. Everyone is divorced and remarried in our families (dh and my parents) and we just invite everyone and they have to deal. I DO tell them that everyone has been invited. So far no (major) problems.

 

[earthmama369]

MIL and FIL have had a rocky relationship and got divorced earlier this year. Other members of dh's fmily thrive on drama and have their little feuds with each other. Starting with our wedding, dh and I made a firm policy of not getting drawn into any of it and when we have gatherings, we invite everyone. They can sort it out among themselves how they want to handle it; we expect good behavio when they're here, especially in front of our children. So far so good. I think setting high expectations is the key; a lot of people will live up -- or down -- to others' expectations of them.

 

[JamesMama]

My mom and my dad are the SAME way, it drives me up the flipping wall. I told them they were both going to be at the party and if I heard one word out of either of them I'd be taking heads.

They came, they were polite to each other, they interacted with the others family and all was well. They did pretty much stay to their own sides of the room, but whatever.

 

[Mama Poot]

Well, tommorrow is the big day. I haven't told anyone about who is and isn't coming. I've decided that it isn't my job to make special accomodations for people. If they want accomodations they can go to a hotel. We don't do that here. And if my mother has a problem, I'll just gently remind her that this party is for her grandson, NOT her. Now I'm going to go finish decorating the house

:

 

[pumpkin]

My divorced grandparents didn't get along for years. Thankfully they had the good sense to split the time at family events. One would come early and leave early. The other would come late and leave late. I don't know how they coordinated this - but they took care of it. So maybe for the future somehow they could get the message about splitting time or taking turns if they just can't act like adults. Eventually they did manage to both attend events at the same time - we just made sure that they were seated on opposite ends of the room.

Its definitely not your responsibility to mediate. I'm sure you will have a great party.

 

[TinkerBelle]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mama Poot My son's first birthday party is Sunday. I intend to invite all of his close relatives. My mom and dad have been divorced for 20 years, and I still have to deal with my mom's immaturity to accept the situation. DS isn't the one who decided to get divorced- THEY did. So I don't feel he or anyone else should have to suffer for their decision. I'm not having two different parties, one for my mom's side and one for my dad's side. DS has a right to see everyone he knows. My grandfather and his wife had stopped by one day to visit, as they often do since his wife's mother lives in a nearby nursing home. My mom called and was nearby and I invited her over, but she refused just because my grandpa was here. : The man doesn't give two shits about things that happened 20 years ago. She's just so childish about this stuff it drives me up the wall. DH thinks I should invite everyone I want to, and if anyone has the gall to ruin the party, well then they must not care much about DS. He also remembers seeing an article about this very issue in Ann Landers once, and even she said that regardless of whether the people are divorced, the child shouldn't suffer for that decision. I guess i'm curious how others would handle this situation, or if you already have, what did you do?

I would tell everyone that there is ONE party and if they cannot act decently, don't bother to come.

The only exception I would make is if the divorce was caused by infidelity or abuse. Then I probably wouldn't be seeing the offender anyway, especially in a case of abuse, so it wouldn't matter.