Due date next Friday

June 17. DS was born a week before his due date; I have been feeling so much sadness present with me. I'm a farmer's market vendor--all those moms with babies in slings...I'm not hating them or feeling bitter toward them anymore, just getting sadder as the morning goes on and I see so many.

I'm going to spend the morning of the 17th in the woods, alone and with a friend. Build a fire. Talk. Put in an earring in the new piercing I got, an amber stud I had made. It looks like a drop of honey. It looks like the beautiful, still feeling of being pregnant, suspended in the specialness of it, sure and sacred and wonderful. It's the color I imagine her little spirit to be, full of light. I chose it to remember not just my loss, but the special 10 weeks we had together.

She was my baby. Her name was Sara. I dreamed about her when I was losing her. We walked in a beautiful wet rainy aspen woods together, with the sunlight slanting in sideways, and played with moss and acorn caps. I know she is well, and safe, and happy. I am so sad that she won't be born this month. Just sad.... just walking through this sadness some more....