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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Last memorial day I miscarried at 5 weeks. Even though it was so early I was already in love with that child, and the anniversary has really really really gotten to me, esp since I figured I'd be pregnant again FOR SURE by now...and I'm not.<br><br>
Last week my [otherwise very sensitive and thoughtful] boss grilled me on my "attitude problem" until I broke down in hysterical tears and told her what was going on. Today (I was out yesterday too) she said "I knew you were going to come in in a terrible mood and I was right - you were totally passive aggressive to me."<br><br>
Another friend last week said that it was time to "cry uncle" ie give up and live childless (we've been trying for *a whole year* <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/eyesroll.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="roll">).<br><br>
And there have been more.<br><br>
I am SO PISSED OFF that I have been obsessively running conversations with these people in my head, telling them exactly what I think of what they said, and getting myself so worked up. The thing is, I think I am really just SO PISSED OFF that I'm not holding the 4-month old baby I'd have if I hadn't miscarried <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/bawling.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="bawl"><br><br>
How do I let go of these comments? What ridiculous things did people say to you and how did you deal? Help!
 

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I am sorry for your loss. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> Your boss' comment is really bizarre. Bosses are tricky so there is likely little you can do with that situation. As for your friend and the others you referenced, the stupid comments seem to go with the territory for some reason.<br><br>
I was furious inside for a long time and it eventually starting leaking out when people made hurtful comments. As a matter of fact, I am still angry about a lot of things surrounding my losses and I have a 5 month old rainbow baby in arms. The wounds from losses are deep and healing is slow, in my experience.<br><br>
So long as these folks are avoidable, I avoid them. I offer a gentle correction to those I know the first time they make a hurtful comment in my direction. If they persist in making rude remarks, the gloves come off. I think you have the absolute right to tell the offender that his or her comment is unwelcomed and hurtful. I know that people don't know what to say so they say stupid things to fill the void or attempt to "make you feel better."<br><br>
So sorry for the insults added to injury. It's a tough road and the hurtful comments don't help. Hugs to you...<br><br>
Amy
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Thanks so much for your post <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> Congratulations on your rainbow baby! I was hoping that getting pregnant would make it all better - but I have to find a way to make it OK until that happens.<br><br>
It's good to hear that I am not just crazy. They all have NO IDEA what I'm going through and I have to remember that I hope they never do.
 

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Okay, milletpuff. I just read your thread. Those comments are AWFUL. Part of the problem is we're expected to function despite our loss, even when we're feeling it the most and that is JUST NOT FAIR. If you had told your boss it was the anniversary of your mother's death, she might have had some sympathy (might, though she doesn't sound that compassionate). I've come to realize already that I'm going to need some Stupid Comment Response practice as part of my reality now. It will happen without warning and I am NOT a confrontational person. I MUST learn to speak up and be assertive around this issue, because otherwise I think it will damage me and interfere with my healing. No idea what to say, though. I try to get inside the head of someone saying you should just "learn to live childless." What could that person possibly be thinking? How could that ever be helpful? There is always the tactic of asking the person exactly that; "what could you possibly be thinking? How could that possibly be helpful?" That's what I thought to say to MIL later, something like "wow, MIL, you just said every single thing you're not supposed to say to someone who just miscarried."<br><br>
I'm so sorry for your loss and I can't imagine how painful this anniversary is. I worry the same thing. What if I never get pregnant again? So like you, I have to find a way to be okay regardless. That's actually my big fear in TTC again. I don't want to become obsessive about this, but boy can I see the danger. It sounds like you've managed the year remarkably well.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
"If you had told your boss it was the anniversary of your mother's death, she might have had some sympathy"<br><br>
Exactly! She isn't cold, or hasn't been before. I think she ju ost really doesn't get it. She's young and doesn't have or want kids, and doesn't even get why other people do. So I just don't think it's in her realm of understanding at all.<br><br>
Suggesting that I live childless, I *think*, comes from not wanting me to experience any more of the heartache that comes with trying to get pregnant. That person is an engineer, and actually the comment he made was in direct response to me telling him that we are now in this for $14k, so it might have even been about saving money. RIDICULOUS, I know, but that's all I can think of.<br><br>
The year was OK because I just assumed we'd be pregnant again by now (the loss was the very first cycle we tried!0, but here I am a year+ later, and instead of another baby, I feel like all I've got is fear. It's waning as the anniversary passes, a little. Well, and I have some therapy <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br><br>
Thanks for your comment - it just means so much to be understood <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 
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