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I hate my mother and I hate what she did to me. I don't even know where to begin and once I begin, I don't know how I will stop talking about her. If I talk about her...am I giving her power or the attention she craves?<br><br>
How can a mother pretend her child isn't her child? Isn't there something unnatural about that? I mean isn't it unnatural for a mother to introduce her adult daughter to people as one of her friends?<br><br>
I spent my whole childhood and beyond being bullied, physically and emotionally in private, in public or wherever it suited her. What did I do to make her hate me so much?<br><br>
I spent my life up until this point doing everything I could to appease her, doing everything I could to win any kind of acknowledgement from her, and still yet...it's not enough. I am a failure. A disappointment. A sign of a wasted life for her.<br><br>
I know now that she never loved me. She only tolerated me because I was an accident. She was always so fond of pointing that out to me. I was an accident she couldn't rectify.<br><br>
My children, to her, are useless. To her, I never should have had them. To her, my husband is useless, and I never should have gotten married and ruined my life with all those children and now I am trapped with a husband and children, who in her words have wrecked my life.<br><br>
The last time I saw her, six months ago, she physically attacked me in a public place, in front of dozens of people. She was complaining and complaining. I told her to shut up. I didn't mean to it just popped out....and she attacked me and I let go. Utterly and completely. The only thing I can remember is being on top of her, pounding her head into the ground and telling her how much I hate her. Punching her in the face over and over again. Holding her by the hair literally pounding her head into the ground. My husband and another man had to pull me off and still they couldn't get me to stop pummeling her. I really really couldn't stop. All I felt was vindication. When they got me up, I wasn't even finished.....I feel like I am still not. I feel even worse now than I did before...all the anger and violence just poured out of me..like it had been stored there forever, which I guess it had.<br><br><br>
I am still SO angry and so sad and my heart hurts something terrible. And I am STILL that little girl...all I want is for my mother to love me......and she doesn't and she never did.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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I'm so sorry. Do you have any outlets for your anger? Writing helps me a lot. I write all of the anger down on paper and sometimes rip it up or burn it to let it go. You cannot change your mother but you can work on freeing yourself from the anger and your reaction to her. She sounds like a toxic person and it is good that you've distanced yourself.
 

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I've taken up knitting and spinning....it has been extremely cathartic. I stay very busy so that I don't dwell on it.....the other thing that comforts me is having my husband's family who is very supportive and kind to me.<br><br>
I am good most days...but I have theses dreams about all of it and her and when I wake up....it's just so....hard. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> I wish that when I cut her out for good....it was a clean break, with no re-visiting....but at least twice a week I have dreams about her. Most of the time they are violent, but sometimes they are civil and we are actually talking like two civil humans. But in the back of my mind I'm going why the #$%& are you talking to her??!!!<br><br>
Whatever. I wish she would just go away. For good.<br><br>
Does anybody else have dreams like this?
 

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I have dreams about my dad. In one dream I was running around the house, trying to find a hiding place and a pair of scissors I could protect myself with. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br>
Have you tried counseling?
 

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I am sorry you are going through this <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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i wish i had more to offer than a big <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"><br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>momo7</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15375113"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">When they got me up, I wasn't even finished.....I feel like I am still not. I feel even worse now than I did before...all the anger and violence just poured out of me..like it had been stored there forever, which I guess it had.</div>
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this struck me. i was just trying to explain this mystery to my boys. one of my boys said if he gives me too much love, then he won't have enough. i tried to explain that giving love makes you have more, not less. the same is true of anger, violence, pain . . . it seemed like you were getting it "out" but yet it ended up growing bigger and now, like you said, you feel worse. what a rip-off! i mean, really, kicking her ass <i>should</i> make you feel better and a big part of me would have loved to jump in there with you. that desire for vengeance is so huge, but somehow it never works out the way we would like, it never makes us feel better. it's not fair. i guess it's that concept that whatever we do to someone else, we do to ourselves - so hurting her hurts you, too. i'm sorry she withheld love from you. it's wrong and you didn't deserve that.
 

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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>doubledutch</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15377634"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">...giving love makes you have more, not less. the same is true of anger, violence, pain . . . it seemed like you were getting it "out" but yet it ended up growing bigger and now, like you said, you feel worse. what a rip-off! i mean, really, kicking her ass <i>should</i> make you feel better and a big part of me would have loved to jump in there with you. that desire for vengeance is so huge, but somehow it never works out the way we would like, it never makes us feel better. it's not fair. i guess it's that concept that whatever we do to someone else, we do to ourselves - so hurting her hurts you, too. i'm sorry she withheld love from you. it's wrong and you didn't deserve that.</div>
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This is a very good post. I was thinking the same sort of thing about violence and anger.<br><br>
The catharsis has to come from releasing that emotion and anger, but in a safe place and in a safe way. Whether that's writing feeling letters that you will never give to her, writing what you fear, what makes you angry, etc.... and then writing a pretend response from her, saying what you wish you could hear from her, what's your ideal. This can be very cathartic, bring about good cries, mourning and grieving.<br><br>
I hope you have others in your life around you who can give you love, who are trustworthy and can help fill up your cup now. That can help with healing. Counselling too.<br><br>
There was nothing wrong with you and you didn't deserve to be treated that way. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> I'm sorry.
 

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I think the thing that REALLY bothers me is that she could care less. The fact that we will most likely never,ever speak again, doesn't bother her in the least. She goes on with her life like it never happened, like I never happened or existed which is really how she wanted to live her live anyway, she totally gets her way.....so she basically gets away scott free and she doesn't even have to look over her shoulder on the way out the door. THAT is what I really deal with...and it just isn't right...it isn't fair and I hate it....<br><br>
I do matter, so does my family and the fact that she can treat me anyway she wants and then justify it as "Its none of your business what I do"...is just so beyond my comprehension....just so wrong.<br><br>
God....I hate that fucking bitch.
 
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