Mothering Forum banner

1 - 11 of 11 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,177 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
<p>Ok, so I know the prevailing wisdom is that in a marriage, each partner deals with their own parents and I have really been working on that with DH and MIL, because we are both very close with her, which leads to some kind of tangled emotional situations at times, and I am working on creating better boundaries with her.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>When MIL found out I was pregnant, she immediately said she wanted to be at the birth. We assigned her the job of watching DD so she'd have something to do during my labor because I really just want to be with my husband during my labor.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Then, a few nights ago, I went into labor. Or I thought I did, anyway. DH started asking me if he wanted me to call his mom as soon as the midwife got there and verified that I was in labor and I yelled "DON'T call your mom!!" So I thought that was a pretty clear and honest response, plus, DD wasn't home with us that night so there was no reason for MIL to come.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>At various points during the evening, DH brought up calling his mom again. I asked him not to, but at some point he ended up calling her anyway, not to ask her to come over but to let her know I was in labor. She called back when she got off work at midnight, literally in the middle of me having a contraction, and he answered it. My labor had been on and off up until then, but it basically completely died after that.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The next morning we got up and MIL had posted to Facebook that I was in labor. DH was upset because according to him, he had told her "don't go blabbing this all over Facebook" when they talked on the phone, and she posted it the minute she got home from work. The only thing we can figure is that she didn't hear him because they were on cell phones?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Since then, she has posted a few things on Facebook that I am really not happy about, telling people exactly how dilated I was when the midwives checked me, etc...like to people that have literally never met me, and in comments to friends with tons of people on them that I don't know. Needless to say this has given me the feeling that she would probably tell the whole world AGAIN when I go into labor again and I really don't want that. At this point I feel like I just want it to be me and my husband at the birth and I don't even want him to call her until after the birth.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>So...who fields this one? Do I call/email her and break the news to her or is this his domain to handle?</p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,123 Posts
<p>I think this is between you and your husband.  He is the one calling his mother when you specifically asked him not to, he is the one answering the phone when you are mid-contraction, and he is the one passing on info that you don't want on facebook (and obviously he realized she would be inclined to do so). </p>
<p> </p>
<p>You dh should be the one to explain the situation to MIL, but first he needs to be on board with the game plan.  It sounds like the two of you are on different pages wrt his mother's involvement in the birth.</p>
<p>  </p>
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
4,488 Posts
<p>yeah, you have a problem with mil but a bigger problem with your dh disrespecting your wishes.  if you don't want her posting that stuff all over facebook, then he needs to not share it with her.  he should not have called, and you need to get you two on the same page about not calling her when your labor starts back up.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>as for breaking the news to her?  DON'T.  do not have a conversation with her about the fact that you are not going to call her when you go into labor, and explain to dh that he is also not to inform her of this fact either.  you do not owe this to her, and you do not owe her an explanation.  just tell her the good news after the baby is born.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>personally, i'm an adult, and if i have a problem with another adult, i would like to deal with it myself.  in this case, i would call mil and calmly say, "i don't like it that you posted a bunch of personal details about me and my labor all over facebook.  that's not stuff i want to share with the world.  please don't do that again."  and then do not give her another opportunity to do so.</p>
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
4,488 Posts
<p>oh, if you wanted to be slightly nicer about, you could say, "i appreciate that you are so excited about the baby's birth, and i know that is why you wanted to share, but i'm not comfortable with it."  in addition to the clear and direct "do not do that anymore" kind of language.</p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,177 Posts
Discussion Starter #5
<p>The more I think about it, the less happy I am with the way DH handled the whole situation with his mom, TBH. I understand that they're all excited about the baby, but I feel like really, my saying not to call her should have been the last word on that- I don't understand why he continued to ask if it was OK to call her and did the whole "I just want to tell her you're in labor, not ask her over" deal...and yeah, obviously he was fully expecting his mom to blab if he took the time to say something to her about it, right?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>So what should I say to him about all that? I want to be tactful but I feel like some lines need to get drawn in the sand right about now.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I normally prefer to be direct, too, but in this case, DH is really, really close with his mom and he takes it really badly when anyone says anything negative about her or whatever, so I don't think he'd be very happy with me if I had it out with her over this. Which is why I want him to be the one to deal with her about it- plus, he's the one that told her all that stuff, so I feel like it's kind of his mess to clean up, does that make sense?</p>
<p> </p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,796 Posts
<p>I think you should deal with it directly with your husband.  You thought you were in labor, a VERY vulnerable time.  You were extremely clear in your wishes: "do not call your mother".  He did it anyway.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Let him know that it is very important to feel supported and validated during labor.  When you really do go into labor, it is extremely important that (1) he listen to your wishes, (2) not keep asking the same thing over and over once he has your answer, and (3) he does not call his mother.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>MIL can be informed after the baby arrives.  If she needs an excuse, he can say it happened so fast, or you were both just so busy there was no time.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Don't say anything bad about his mom, because it will just put him on the defensive. (even though you are justly irritated!)  MIL is just so excited, she isn't able to keep personal info to herself.  Therefore, she doesn't get to hear about the status of your cervix!</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I would really TRY to let the past go, and focus on your upcoming needs.  I would NOT let MIL know that she is now out of the picture.  You don't need drama, you need peace in order to open up and labor and deliver!!</p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,123 Posts
<p>One reason that each partner should deal with their own parents is that parents can get "mixed signals" from each partner.  For instance, you could be direct with MIL about the facebook issues and her presence at the birth, but she may get a different message (intended or not) if/when your dh calls her up during labor, kwim?  Given a red light from her DIL and a (perceived) green light from her son, she'll go with the green light every time. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>I'd deal directly with my dh, focusing on my desire to keep the birth private (from both visitors and facebook postings).  Tell him you are counting on him to be the gatekeeper so that you have a peaceful, safe space to birth.  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Invite him to share any concerns he has about keeping the birth private--how does he feel about waiting until after the birth to call his mother?   It sounds like he has some mixed feelings, wanting to keep you both happy.  </p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,796 Posts
<p>One more thought: Lots of mamas turn the phone off (or mute the ringer) when they go into labor.  That way, both you and DH can focus on what is happening, and not worry about who is calling.</p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,177 Posts
Discussion Starter #9
<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>HappyMommy2</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1282537/each-partner-deals-with-their-own-parents-what-if-it-s-an-issue-between-you-and-an-il#post_16082264"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p>One more thought: Lots of mamas turn the phone off (or mute the ringer) when they go into labor.  That way, both you and DH can focus on what is happening, and not worry about who is calling.</p>
</div>
</div>
<p><br>
 </p>
<p>Oh, I turned mine off AND had him take it out of the room...he kept his in his pocket <img alt="hammer.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/hammer.gif"></p>
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
4,488 Posts
<p><br>
 </p>
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>sunnmama</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1282537/each-partner-deals-with-their-own-parents-what-if-it-s-an-issue-between-you-and-an-il#post_16082242"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p>One reason that each partner should deal with their own parents is that parents can get "mixed signals" from each partner.  For instance, you could be direct with MIL about the facebook issues and her presence at the birth, but she may get a different message (intended or not) if/when your dh calls her up during labor, kwim?  Given a red light from her DIL and a (perceived) green light from her son, she'll go with the green light every time.</p>
</div>
</div>
<p><br>
lol, but what if she only hears from her son and he "can't" set clear boundaries with his mom?  then she never gets the red light from anyone! </p>
<p> </p>
<p>in this case, it sounds like the op really doesn't want to talk to mil about it and that's fine.  sometimes you don't have to air your grievances because there is no point.  you just learn your lesson and don't give the person the chance to do it again.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>op, i do relate to wanting to be tactful and not wanting to hurt others' feelings.  however, i'm slowly learning that it needs to be balanced with self-respect and authenticity.  and, you know, if mil is sad about not being invited to the birth or being kept in the loop with constant updates during your labor, that is too bad - it's not your problem.  even if you don't want to be direct with mil, it's very important to be clear with dh about the consequences of what he did during your prodromal labor, and the potential consequences if it happens again.  (those are, i'm angry with you, it damaged my trust in you, it makes me feel like you are putting your mom ahead of me, i'm stressed about what's going to happen during my real labor, etc.) </p>
<p> </p>
<p>when it comes down to it, if he calls his mom during labor and she shows up, maybe your midwife is willing to be the tough guy and say, "sorry, no visitors.  you'll have to come back tomorrow."</p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,177 Posts
Discussion Starter #11
<p>You all have some great points here. It's true that I don't want to be the one to talk this out with MIL at least partly because I don't want to be the one to have to hurt her feelings.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I do think that DH is capable of creating boundaries with MIL <em>if</em> he's willing to do it (I was really surprised that he said that to her about Facebook, I thought it showed progress on his part- even if it appears that she may have ignored him, I really do think she didn't hear him. Nothing I have seen from her up to now indicates that she'd just bulldoze him like that).</p>
<p> </p>
<p>If I can get DH on the same page, I think the best plan would be to be really clear with him that I don't want him calling anyone this time unless I ask him to because of what happened last time, and then just "oops" it and tell her there was no time to call her. </p>
 
1 - 11 of 11 Posts
Top