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i just need to release all that is in me right now..

i feel so alone right now and so so sad. dh and i have seperated 3 weeks now for the third and final time, ( as a bahai i have a year of patience before i can get a divorce, but that is where we are going) and yes this time i am more stong more of myself more empowered more confident in myself and much much more to go through all this again, and for this to be THAT BIG life step for a brighter future.
BY right now i am grieving, that is what it feel like i am grieving for a marriage that never should have been, and now dd (2yrs) and ds (5.5mths) are forced to come along for the ride.

it hurts so much to think that now i am the sole carer of these two little ones, it makes me feel so alone; and it doens't help that my only family my mum is 2.5 hours away. today was a sunday and it felt like everyone was with their families, but me, yeah i had my children but they are still so young and demand so much from me that at times i am more drained than uplifted by their love.

i feel so unloved where is that one person who should look out for me care if i am hurt or struggling where is that person to offer me a hand without being asked just because they love me and can see i need a break. where is that person who loves my children as much as i do and will sacrifice their desires just so their child has some real emotional nuritionment, where is that person who stays up late with me tag-teaming with a sick child or colicky baby, where is that person that i run to for comfort security and seek intamacy with. where is that person that makes me feel that there is no one else as loved as I am. where is at that peron who makes my world a safer place just knowing that they are looking out for me. where is that perosn who only wants to make them selves a better person so that they can be the best that they can be.

I am hurt that dh has decided to start drinking and others stuff, considering i met him as a recovering addict. he knew that i could not live with these things in my life and still he sticks his chin out proud "no one tells me what i can or cannot do"
i feel so betrayed, sometimes i hope that he would just go and be with someone else just so i can hate him and make this easier, and he says this is all my fault that i was the one that asked him to leave, how can he not get it.. how can he not see once you make a choice to check out of this world this world that we where both ment to want and be happy with that there is no choice but to leave. i deserve better my children deserve better than a shell for a husband or dad, and he doesn't get it because that is what he wants to do.
but then says if it was up to him he would still be with us, stop screwing with my head i want to scream at him, you can't make choices in your life and beleive that they don't affect your family, we deserve to have all of you and if you don't want that then be a man and say you dont want to share yourself with us.

Gee that felt good saying that to others who get it, or at least can be empathatic to me
thanks for the space ladies
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by NIS View Post
Gee that felt good saying that to others who get it, or at least can be empathatic to me
thanks for the space ladies

It'll be okay. I've been in the "I didn't sign up to do this by myself" boat for a while too. It does get better, you adapt, you become a super multitasking mama who can take on the world by herself. It just comes with time and acceptance
 

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I'm sorry you're feeling this way
And I get what you're feeling (well sort of - I'm also newly single and experiencing many of the feelings and problems you describe.) I've heard it gets better, like MissSavannahsMummy said. You just need time to heal and adjust
 

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Reading your post reminded me of so many things I felt and went through when we first separated.

All I can say is that you will find your way through it and it really will get better.

The end of a marriage is definitely a grieving process. There are many emotions, many ups and downs but after some time, you'll find it does get easier and there are more ups and happier times.

Venting works and this is a good place to vent as well as a place to find support and advice. You might also be surprised at how many good people you either already have in your life or will come into your life. Hang in there.
 

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I am sorry to hear you are going through this. But like the pps said, it DOES get better.

My H left when I was 7 mo. pregnant. I was soooo scared to parent on my own, especially since he was the one who always really wanted children. When I am really feeling sorry for myself, I think, I never would have agreed to have children had I known this was coming (that said, I love, love, love my babies and couldn't imagine the world with out them.)

What I discovered is that I am a great mama and have more patience than I ever would have imagined. I had the choice to leave my babies with my STBX, and I won't. Because I can't. They are too precious to me.

Your babies are a little older than mine (and I totally get the whole - I would love for someone to touch me who doesn't need something from me). The things that really helped me through are my friends (I learned my friends were more giving and generous than I ever dared imagine) and play groups/meeting up with other mamas.

You will make it through and it does get better. Many hugs to you mama.

R
 
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