[chrissy]

So I'm 21 weeks pregnant and have pretty much no interest in sex. My dh, on the other hand, well he has a lot more interest. I just really have no desire and the thought kind of grosses me out. Even when we do it I don't get into it and I end up feeling kind of annoyed/yicky. I wish I didn't feel this way. Man, how I wish I were one of those women who have the best sex of their lives when pregnant.<br><br>
I'm not sure what my question is. I don't think I should do it if I don't want to, but he keeps bugging me and I can tell it's hurting his feelings too. Then I get annoyed at him acting that way, like some kind of sex martyr or something.<br><br>
Any ideas to increase my libido I guess?<br><br>
Or somebody tell me that one day I will want to have sex with him again.<br><br>
I'm rambling but I had to get this off my chest and I'm hoping somebody has some kind of advice for me.

 

[rowantree]

This can be an ongoing problem when your a mama. I have a really hard time adjusting from mama to sexpot, sometimes I dont but other times Im good to go. Be patient, you'll slip in and out of 'the mood'.

 

[eilonwy]

I'm at the point in my pregnancy now where I have zero interest, to say nothing of my complete inability to stay awake long enough to do anything. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol">:<br><br>
Does your husband know how you feel about this? It's been quite a while for Mike and I, but every day I tell him that I love him dearly and I'm sorry but I just have no interest or energy for sex. Every time he smiles and nods and says "I know, dear" but I think it helps him to hear that I'm still thinking of him, you know? Men, like women, need to feel that they are attractive to their partners. I do feel badly that I have no interest, but I'm not going to lie to him and say "yeah, let's do it" when I'm not interested. It would not only leave me feeling icky, but Mike would be really depressed when he figured it out later on. He would feel horribly guilty if he coerced me into sex when I just wasn't in the mood.<br><br>
Mike knows that eventually I'll be interested again (and you will too!) so he doesn't worry about it so much. Communication is what's most important and it's difficult but it will get better! Just keep talking. You will be interested again, and in the meantime there are other ways to be intimate with one another (sound corny, but it's true!)

 

[Greaseball]

I don't think you should have to increase your libido. I think he should have to decrease his. If it's not something you're going to enjoy, why do it?<br><br>
With the first pgcy I had a very high libido - we were on an everyday frequency right up until 12 hours in labor! Every day is normal for us when not pg. So it was a real shock with this pgcy to see that I'm just not interested. We can usually make it work about once a week, which is a huge change for us. But we just deal with it. He doesn't want sex when I'm not totally into it. So if he makes advances and I'm not interested, I just say no and tell him to try again in a few days. He's good about that.<br><br>
Maybe you could tell your dh to stop making advances; that if you are interested you will initiate.

 

[Celtain]

Well Chrissy, I have to tell you....YOU ARE TOTALLY NORMAL!!!!! With dd1 I had an average sex drive, with ds I almost broke dh I had a total over drive sex drive, with dd2, nothing, nada, zilch, maybe 3 times in 9 months. Tell him to suck it up and deal, you aren't in the mood right now, but he will be the first to know when you are!!!

 

[Orange]

I had no sex drive either. I'm not sure we did it even 3 times during my entire pregnancy. But I promise it DOES come back. For me, it came back stronger than ever and felt better than ever!

 

[sadie_sabot]

I was just having this conversation with a friend of mine today.<br><br>
As i told her: No One Is Entitled To Your Body. Men are Not entitled to sex.<br><br>
Seriously. he's got a hand, right?<br><br>
(ok, ok, I know this isn't useful. all the other mommas are being useful; I just feel a need to remind us all that it's your body, you decide who you have sex with and when.)

 

[eilonwy]

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<div style="font-style:italic;">Seriously. he's got a hand, right?</div>
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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/nod.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="nod"> when i asked mike what he thought of this, this was his response: someone needs to remind him that he has two hands. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/nod.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="nod">

 

[ramlita]

Here's a ditto on pretty much everything already here, and:<br><br>
when I was pregnant, DH was happy to give me platonic back rubs/whole body massage, especially when he was in the mood and I wasn't. It helped me feel like I was in touch with my body, and he got the skin contact and physical closeness he just doesn't get when he's alone with his hands. ahem.<br><br>
Another thing that helps us through dry spells is me being close by while he... takes care of himself. Sometimes I'm not even up for THAT, but when I am we have fun talking about our ideas together, as we lie back-to-back or something.<br><br>
I did lose interest for quite a while. For me, postpartum was the dry spell. Now that I'm BACK, we have more fun than ever. Good things come to those who wait. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1"> Good luck!

 

[BrooklynDoula]

Perhpas you could do things like help him masterbate. That way he can be with you without you having to have unwanted sex. He can still touch you, hold you, and be near you - that way perhaps you can continue to affirm your sexual relationship without you feeling compromised.

 

[journeymom]

<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
This was simply the most difficult issue dh and I delt with after child #1. After dd was born, I had no libido, was sleepy all the time, and was supremely irritated all the time. I'd have been happy if I never had sex again.<br><br>
I am so jealous of you ladies who's husbands are so understanding and patient. It's so hard to give the right idea about what dh was like at this time. It's not like he was mean and demanding. More like sad, baffled and childish. And super grouchy.<br><br>
I mean, is my dh the only dh who gets grouchy and sullen when he has to go without?? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/angry.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="angry"><br><br>
Oh well, we struggled through it. And our sex life is better than ever. So many things made this possible. Time passing was one of them.<br><br>
I agree, tell him to please stop until you initiate it. I think probably part of our problem was my own attitude. I was so angry and dismissive towards dh it made it seem personal when I turned him down. It didn't matter that I told him over and over it wasn't him, it was me. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/eyesroll.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="roll"> He saw my body language and thought I was disgusted by him and hated him.<br><br>
That's my specifically personal story.

 

[woobysma]

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>megandavidson</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Perhpas you could do things like help him masterbate. That way he can be with you without you having to have unwanted sex. He can still touch you, hold you, and be near you - that way perhaps you can continue to affirm your sexual relationship without you feeling compromised.</div>
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<br>
ITA <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/thumb.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="thumbs up"> - DH and I were making it a daily habit up until I got preggers, then the morning sickness and now my HUGE belly......... my libido comes and goes now depending on how big I feel from day to day..... but we do make it a habit to shower together every morning and I can almost always get into a little "teamwork" session that way without having to manuever around too much. Add in a little steam and candlelight and soap bubbles and it's kind of romantic. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
We may have sex like the old days only 1-2 times a week, but he feels wanted and I don't ever feel like I'm just "servicing" him.........maybe you just need to find an alternative that works for both of you.

 

[allgirls]

Just jumping in to say that maybe the guys feel left out and unwanted...when I was pregnant my libido was through the roof...my hubby often couldn't keep up(his drive has always been lower) and I felt a little unwanted and unloved...part of it is the sex but then I could take care of that myself but I think the holding, loving, kissing etc. is the part that is missed the most.<br><br>
For guys they feel loved when they are taken care of sexually...I think many woman make the mistake of thinking their husband just wants the sex(and it is true) but it's not just the physical release they want or they could take care of it themselves...it's the feeling that their spouses want them and want to take care of their needs. Your husbands are attracted to you and want you...it's not a terrible thing.<br><br>
I hear so many stories about women whose partners lost sexual interest in them when they were pregnant...that would be devastating.<br><br>
I think it is important to communicate why you are not in the mood and to do everything you can to satisfy your husband..<br>
I look at it this way...I love him...making him happy in any way makes me happy so there is no way making sure he is sexually fulfilled is a problem...now if he was treating me shabbily outside of the bedroom that is a whole other issue but if he is a good decent man who simply wants his wife physically then do something for him...love him the best way you know how.<br><br>
Good luck!

 

[Marsupialmom]

Think about sex more. No joke!! In positive fashions.<br><br>
Will teasing him help you? I know when I went through my dry spells teasing him and seeing him all flustered helped me get in the mood. Also, my husband got more helpful when he was this way.<br><br>
I would call him at work and describe my new undies. Lean over at the park and let him know you are wearing pink undies, smile, walk off, and watch him be fluster. Do plain to put out but maybe positive games, flirting, et will help you get and stay in the mood.<br><br>
Are you in the mind set of “oh, he will want sex tonight?” instead of thing about what you would enjoy sexually. Think about what you would like and TELL him what you want? Don’t expect him to read your mind and realize that he needs to first rub your feet and work upwards. Find sexy ways to tell him. Don’t be afraid to guide his hands to were you want them. If you gets grabby, tell him touching your breast isn’t doing it for you why don’t we try ------ (if you need to tack on later then do so).<br><br>
Do you need more help in switching from mommy mode to one hot mama? I went through this phase. I finally told my husband if he would do these things I would be more in the mood. I had to insist on things and follow through.<br><br>
Let him know you are frustrated with this lack of sex drive.

 

[Hilary Briss]

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Actually, they are. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love">

 

[eilonwy]

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Hilary Briss</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Actually, they are. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love"></div>
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And that's why you have two hands. :nana

 

[WithHannahsHeart]

I know that reading erotic literature or even just talking about sex, particularly with dh, will get me in the mood. I also agree with others that have suggested, um, alternate ways to pleasure him. LIght candles, massage, whatever he likes, to let him know that his needs are still important to you. And yes, he isn't 'entitled' to your body, but he does have valid needs <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1">. It's a GOOD thing to be creative in addressing those needs. And your own, no doubt.

 

[Hilary Briss]

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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">And that's why you have two hands.</td>
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The better to hang on to your hips. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1">

 

[hummingbear]

not pg but this mama was not "in the mood" for a long time postpartum. DH has been really understanding much of the time - but I do feel bad about my lack of enthusiasm.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/blush.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="blush">