[lisalulu]

When do kids get empathy?

4yo DS was goofing around on the floor with another friend and accidentally kicked him in the face. When dh went over to talk to him about it, he said he didn't feel bad for doing it-the other little kids wasn't hurt and there wasn't whole lot of reaction-surprise but no crying or outward upsetness.

I've tried talking to him about it but I get the feeling that he doesn't completely understand what I mean when I try to describe empathy. Is he too small? And how do you handle those situations. I can ask him to say he's sorry, which might make the other little kid feel better but I don't think ds really gets anything out of it. Any advice or personal experience?

 

[meemee]

i would let it go for now. its not a lesson they need to learn right now. life experience and with your help he will get it.

but yeah i think he is right in pointing out well is his friend didnt get hurt whats the big deal.

also there are so many layers to this. they dont always vocalise the whole bit. maybe he does feel bad but doesnt want to admit it right now.

i would lay off the talking for now.

i liked what my dd's ps did. the wronged child was never asked to apologise. but was asked to do something to comfort the hurt child. first he had to find out what would be appropriate kindness according to the hurt child. so my dd woudl say somethign like oh i didnt meant to do that. could i touch you with a gentle touch to see if it would make you feel better? or could i get you a glass of water to make you feel better? mostly it worked really well. of course there were moments when teh hurt child refused any token and then that hurt the other child's feelings.

play it by ear. i noticed one thing. around the age of 5 i think my dd didnt like me teaching too much. she wanted to discover the answer herself.

 

[lisalulu]

Quote:

Originally Posted by meemee i liked what my dd's ps did. the wronged child was never asked to apologise. but was asked to do something to comfort the hurt child.

That's a great idea! Thank you.

I think I get paranoid about it because I sweat the our ped told us that kids start to get empathy at 18mos. With the exception of maybe twice, I don't think I've really noticed it in him. Good to know I'm probably overreacting.

 

[proudmamanow]

I`m not sure where the 18 mo thing your ped mentions is coming from...I think it`s a LONG process, developing empathy, but I`m sure I`ve read on MDC that it can typically take until age 7 for kids to develop empathy the way we understand it. I think you handled it well, and at this age I tend to worry alot more about teaching /modelling socially appropriate responses, knowing that the empathy will follow later.

 

[LynnS6]

Well, at about 18 months, kids notice when other people are feeling bad, but that's not the same as empathy, IMO.

Not until about age 4 can children take the point of view of someone else or understand that someone might have different thoughts than they do.

But, as other posters have mentioned, there's another layer on top of this -- guilt at having done something you know is wrong. If a child is feeling bad about what they've done, they aren't likely to want to trot that feeling out and examine it. And those bad feelings will get in the way of demonstrating empathy.

We, too, focus on having our kids help the hurt person, rather than talk about the feelings at a moment of high emotion on all sides.

 

[lisalulu]

Quote:

Originally Posted by LynnS6 Well, at about 18 months, kids notice when other people are feeling bad, but that's not the same as empathy, IMO.

I think this is the context our doc put it in.

Quote:

Originally Posted by LynnS6 Not until about age 4 can children take the point of view of someone else or understand that someone might have different thoughts than they do.

I didn't know that!

 

[birdie22]

When ds hurts someone, I often ask him to consider how he would feel if someone did that (or said that) to him.

It seems to help him make the mental leap to understanding others' feelings.

It's relatively recent, though, and it doesn't always work.