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Encountered a situation I cannot find advise on. Help Anyone?

367 Views 4 Replies 3 Participants Last post by  Nurturing Mama
I have a divorced female friend that has been dating a man for a year. He moved in with her and her children approximately 7 months ago. He is also divorced and his two youngest children are a boy and girl ages 13 & 12. His children live full time with their mother but frequently spend the night at my friends home. Her home is not very large but it is "full of love" and the boyfriend's children actually prefer it to their 1/2 million dollar "cold house".
Initially, to acclimate the children to the new living situation, the boyfriend slept on an air matress, first on the living room floor with his children. Then when the children started feeling completely at home, the 13yo boy decided that he liked my friends bed better than the air matress and started sleeping with her while his father slept on the air matress next to the bed with his 12 yo daughter. This continued till about 2 months ago, my friend approached her boyfriend about the situation and how to go about getting the children to sleep with her children. The issue of "legal/not legally married" has not been an issue and the older children have joked openly infront of both my friend and their father as to what goes on when they are not spending the night. The older children have been raised openly and are aware of "love & relations" so, this was not an issue either. The father agreed with my friend that to start, his children would sleep on the air matress in the room and he would be in the bed to start then eventually, his children would move to the bedrooms with the other children. The father was to talk to his children before their next overnighter (about 4 a week then). But when bed time arrived, his children were asleep on the couchs in the living room and the adults went to bed. My friend woke up at 1am and her boyfriend was on the couch asleep with his daughter. When she questioned him why, he refused to answer but got up and came back to their room. At 2am, my friend was awakened by the 12yo asking her father why he was in the room instead of on the couch with her. He told her he would be right down and she left the room. At 3am, it happened again and then again at 4am! My friend questioned why this was going on and the boyfriend got up and went with his daughter to the couch and spent the evening their.
This became the pattern for the last 2 months and needless to say, the relationship has deteriorated to a point where my friend finally asked her boyfriend to move out.
I have searched the web and exhausted every possible source on every parenting source and maybe I am missing something. He is not a pedophile, claims to love my friend and claims to want to continue the relationship but she is so confused and hurt that she is ready to walk away from him and his children that she loves like her own without a look back.
Any advise would be helpfull. If anyone needs more information than what has already been provided, I will be glad to answer what I can. Please help if you can.
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I don't have any advice, but I think more people see this and be able to respond in a different forum, maybe Talk Amongst Ourselves?

My only thought is that maybe your friend's boyfriend feels that his daughter is having a hard time adjusting to the new woman in his life (your friend) and is trying to make his daughter feel more comfortable about the arrangement by spending more time cuddling with her, even if it is while sleeping.
maybe ask a mod to move this to parents as partners or single parenting or talk amongst ourselves? I am confused about this, i need to re-read. initially it sounds inappropriate, like a situation of incest, but then you say no. I am confused.
How do I contact a Mod? I would be interested in having it sent to any forum or different thread group necessary to get additional input or opinion or reference site in which to obtain additional information. Both my friend and her boyfriend seem to be in pain without one another and thoroughly confused. From what I know, I am almost certain it is not a case of incest, one can never be sure but no other behavior issues suggest such. I have 2 different conclusions and still not sure which one is even close to correct. 1-the divorce was a very traumatic and unexpected bomb dropped on the father. I believe he was in denial throughout it all and even went into court without an attorney! I believe until he met my friend he had continued to live in denial and even expected that he and his ex would eventually reconcile. It's possible that the daughter being his youngest and closest in resemblance to his ex wife has been replaced in his mind as his "emotional" spouse., or 2-He has virtually become a slave to his children by carrying the pain of being rejected for what ever he did or didn't do to cause his wife to divorce him. I'm stumped.
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abimommy is a moderator of this forum. You can send a private message to her. Click on private messages, toward the top of the page and on the left, and then you can send a private message to her.
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