[MommaCrystal]

As the months have gone on since Noah's birth 9 months ago family on both sides have put a LOT of pressure on us to bring Noah to them for visits. Few of them ever come HERE! (And honestly, I don't often enjoy playing host so I don't care). The sense of entitlement you my child and my life just irritates me to death.

I had hoped that as he grew his newness would wear off and things would settle. But the opposite seems to be true. It is starting to put a great deal if strain on my family. We never get time to ourselves, routine household maintenance isn't getting done - forget improvement projects, my business is suffering, our church committments are suffering, and I'm just tired of running for everyone else!

When I try to speak up I'm told I could just leave him and go do my own thing. But they are missing the point. I want MY family back. Plus he nurses. But they think it is getting time to stop that!

:

My AP practices, and my attachment to my baby makes me look like an overprotective first time mom who just needs to get over it and let go.

My carriers fuel this because I must not want others near him if I have him tied to me. The cloth diapers are the same because I must know no one else will use them so they can't change him. And I deliberately set up barriers with breastfeeding because no one else can feed him. And becoming a SAHM is just horrible because I've made him too attached.

BTW I do compromise. Against all my own gut feelings he has spent the night at my mother's 4 or 5 times. I've also let him go to carnivals and such without me. I can't be that bad!

Please tell me someone else is in this situation!

 

[Mama Poot]

Quote:

Originally Posted by MommaCrystal My AP practices, and my attachment to my baby makes me look like an overprotective first time mom who just needs to get over it and let go. My carriers fuel this because I must not want others near him if I have him tied to me. The cloth diapers are the same because I must know no one else will use them so they can't change him. And I deliberately set up barriers with breastfeeding because no one else can feed him. And becoming a SAHM is just horrible because I've made him too attached. BTW I do compromise. Against all my own gut feelings he has spent the night at my mother's 4 or 5 times. I've also let him go to carnivals and such without me. I can't be that bad! Please tell me someone else is in this situation!

Yup I'm there. Do we have the same family because my mother seems to believe she "can't" change cloth diapers even though we have BumGenius and Fuzzi Bunz....how easy can it get?

: She just doesn't want to get her hands dirty I guess. I really think you need to put your foot down and announce to everyone that this is how YOU are going to raise your child, and nothing anyone says or does is going to change your mind. I've gotten the same BS about using a sling. Babies need to be close to their MOTHERS. Period. No one else but Mama- sorry!
You sure do compromise!! My mom continually offers to take 1yo DS overnight but I won't do it. I tell her that I think he is too young, he would not enjoy it, and he would be very afraid being away from home for that long. Not seeing Mama for at least 24 hours while I recovered from the birth of his brother was traumatic enough- AND WE WERE IN THE SAME HOUSE! He knew I was there, but he couldn't come in to see me. I can only imagine his terror if he knew I WASN'T there. I think you've been more than reasonable with your family. Be firm with them, and if the pressure continues ( like it has for me even though I've been close to being downright nasty- some people never give up ) just start ignoring them. Talking to a brick wall gets old quick. Eventually they will "Get it" and stop trying to change your mind about everything. Good luck!!

 

[MrsTC]

LOTS of us here deal with stuff very much like this from our families, you should hear good things.

For me, I've tried really hard to let go of caring what others think about me and what I'm doing for parenting ds. Our families don't understand why we cd, bf, co-sleep, and are saddened that ds is so attached to me (wha??? why would a person who cares about the welfare of a child NOT want this, in my mind?) and, in turn, he doesn't spend a lot of time away from me, but you know what? I'm just following his lead, and doing what I think is best for them. THEY ARE ADULTS, they can deal with it, they can self-soothe, whereas he cannot. It is highly selfish of them, in my mind, to even suggest that I force ds to do something he doesn't want to do in the interest of making an aunt or a grandma happy that she can keep him, feed him with a bottle (more work for me, and how much extra time do I have to pump and bottle train ds, really?), etc.??

So if they think "x, y, and z" about me, so be it. I have mastered pretending not to hear comments that are nasty or judgemental and if people want to discuss our parenting choices, I can answer questions as to why we do things a certain way, but if they get argumentative, then we just need to change the topic of conversation.

We have four sets of grandparents between dh and myself, our parents are both divorced and remarried, so we have a LOT of family to see. We have gotten to where we see people in kind of like a cycle where we'll see everyone over a 3 or 4 week span, maybe 4 times a year, and then otherwise, people come to us, unless we happen to be doing a special family thing. Generally it's once in the spring, around Easter, once in the summer, once in the fall, and around Christmas. We just play the "busy" card and forgive ourselves of any guilt and enjoy our family time.

People will push you to do what they want as far as you let them. The transition will probably be hard, but the reward for you and your sanity will outweigh it by far.

Good luck!

 

[*violet*]

Someone else in the same position as you. However, when my first ds was about 6 months old, we took and stand and we've stuck to it ever since. Even though my parents are 2 hours away, we see them alot. Probably twice a month. Since 6 months, they've pushed to have ds spend the night with them. Umm...why??? They also like to have him at their house when dh and I aren't around. Again...why?? I was told by them that he just "isn't the same" when we're there. Whatever. Too bad for them, because I'm always there and I'm always going to be there and that's just how it is.
When I told my mom that it resulted in a huge fight (really our first ever) that hasn't happened again. She was really mad, but for the first time in my life I was not backing down. Frankly, my concern over whether she is angry at me or not is much less than my desire to be the mother I am, so my decision is easy.
My in-laws are a whole other story. They think we're destroying our children by the choices we've made (extened bfing, co-sleeping, etc.) and we don't spend much time with them.

 

[Valian]

First, a

to you mama. Its rotten that you're put in this position.
But second, stop fighting your instincts! It is okay to stop the visits cold turkey. If you can't be honest or blunt about things then I think you should give yourself permission to do what's needed to wrestle back control of your time. In no way should other people's wishes, wants, or desires trump yours, especially when it comes to your baby.

Like you, I don't love hosting people, and we've called a complete halt to travel for visiting. Only work travel between now and Dec. There is some grumbling about and some wheedling but we shall stand firm. Because it is all about us, its not about them.

The family should feel lucky and grateful for all the time you've given them together and since they have all those warm fuzzy memories, they will easily be able to get through the next several weeks or months without seeing you!

 

[turtlemama77]

I bet it's expensive for you to be driving all over creation visiting people. You could definitely use that as an "excuse" for not traveling so often. And if they want to come to see you, put them to work folding laundry or something. I don't think you need to play super hostess to close family. Hang in there and DO trust your instincts!

 

[poopzmom]

Yep... I'm there too. I keep reminding my dh that I did not have a baby for other people. I so tired of people wanting to handle my baby and take her from me. Sometimes I just want to say "GO HAVE YOUR OWN KID!!!"

 

[alegna]

JUST SAY NO. You are the mama. You're letting your 9 month old spend the night away because your mom bullied you into it??!!??? Stand up and be the mama. Protect your baby. No one else is going to.

-Angela

 

[Party*of*5]

Quote:

Originally Posted by poopzmom Yep... I'm there too. I keep reminding my dh that I did not have a baby for other people. I so tired of people wanting to handle my baby and take her from me. Sometimes I just want to say "GO HAVE YOUR OWN KID!!!"

:
Our culture is totally obsessed with people other than the mother being involved in the caring for a baby. Daycares, formula, and comments about daddy and grandma feeding the baby. It's all insane. Babies need their *mothers*, no one else. I would never let a baby that age sleep overnight without the mother. Follow your instincts, they are right. I would not spend time with people like that, even if they are blood relatives. I would just stop going, period. If they don't like your parenting, they don't have to be around it

 

[gr33nie]

that is CRAZY to ask for a sleepover at 9 months!

Tell them they can have a sleepover when they ask DS and he says 'yes'.

A sleepover at that age sounds scary, not fun.