Mothering Forum banner

1 - 5 of 5 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
991 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
I just read Unconditional Parenting, and I'm trying to wrap my brain around it. I know he contends that statements are coercive when they're designed to get them to repeat the behavior. So, for instance, when my 19 month old uses a spoon to eat and I say "you're eating with your spoon!". I would like her to continue the behavior.....so is it acknowledging the achievement or being sneaky?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,099 Posts
I haven't finished reading it, (would I be a better or worse parent if I made time to finish it?<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngtongue.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Stick Out Tongue"> )but I've been finding I'm having similar "problems" with some of what he's saying.<br><br>
Many people here love his books so hopefully someone can help.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
4,313 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>sophiesue2</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I just read Unconditional Parenting, and I'm trying to wrap my brain around it. I know he contends that statements are coercive when they're designed to get them to repeat the behavior. So, for instance, when my 19 month old uses a spoon to eat and I say "you're eating with your spoon!". I would like her to continue the behavior.....so is it acknowledging the achievement or being sneaky?</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
How do you feel when you are saying it?<br><br>
How does your daughter respond?<br><br>
If she didn't continue eating with her spoon, or put it down and ate with her hands, would there be any negative sanctions...even a *sad* look from you?<br><br>
Those are questions I ask myself in similar situations. I do enjoy letting my daughter know that I have noticed when she does something that <i>she</i> finds cool or new or wants to show me -- and I am always mindful of whether I am evaluating or observing (I always strive for the latter)... but there are times when she will do something and I see her looking at me for a response -- and it doesn't feel right to me to just ignore it or not respond.<br><br>
Perhaps you could say something like "You seem to like eating with a spoon!" or "Do you like eating with a spoon?" or personally, if she is looking at you for a response, I don't see anything wrong with saying "you're holding your spoon" with the intention of "you used to not use your spoon and I see you discovered how to use it and it seems to envoke a sense of pride in you" only with fewer words <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br><br>
I think one of the keys (for me) is examining my intentions with how I interact with my daughter. I mean, I don't think it is an either/or situation. In other words, with the spoon thing, yes, it would be great if my daughter used the spoon again and all, and that can live comfortably with an observation concerning her apparent pride with using it. However, if I make an observation with the <i>intention</i> of manipulating her to perform the same action every time she eats, or imposed any sanctions (negative if she doesn't use the spoon, praise if she does) ...then it gets hairy and I would feel icky about it.<br><br>
I hope that is as clear as mud <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> Good luck.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
278 Posts
Good question. I am having trouble with this idea, too. Thanks for the respone capt. crunchy, helped me to clarify things <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,959 Posts
I agree with the Cap'n.<br><br>
To be coercive, what you say has to be something "coveted" by the child. We don't covet that which is given to us freely. If your emotions are routinely available to your child, also your attention and your love, then I don't see how this expression of your shared enjoyment at his success is going to act as a "carrot" dangling in front of him. Only if you refrain from sharing an experience with him (good or bad) except during specific behaviours (that you deem "good", for example) that you wish to promote, does it become coercive.
 
1 - 5 of 5 Posts
Top