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<p>and go into a fantasy world where you think "was it ever really that bad? It could be so good" ??</p>
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<p>Ugh. It's an awful place to be. I know stbx is just in a 'good' mode - in an upswing of his cycle but I get sucked in there so easily. <br>
We talked for an hour today, just hanging out at the park watching the little ones play and it was so comfortable and there was no awkwardness... I went back to that place of "maybe he can change."  I know he won't. It was 9 years that was predominately hellish and I will not and cannot go back to that. I don't even want to go back to that.</p>
 

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<p>I've been there. I get "relationship twinges" now and then, but I have no doubt in my mind that we could not possibly live under the same roof peacefully. We tried and failed miserably and he has no interest in changing or seeking help for his issues. I'm also not in love with him anymore, which helps to lessen those twinges considerably.</p>
 

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<p>yesssssssssss!  it's easier *when* we spend time together because he quickly reminds me how glad i am that i left, but it's harder when we briefly see each other, like when dropping my boys off, and i'm following them as they run up to his porch and he's smiling and waving and i momentarily forget things and go back into the old feelings like, i'm excited to see him we're going to hug or something.  and then i'm like, "wait a second, no, i'm dropping the kids off, and i'm excited to NOT spend the day with him.  that's right.  and to never hug him again."  those feelings bubble up and are confusing.  <img alt="greensad.gif" class="bbcode_smiley" src="http://files.mothering.com//images/smilies/greensad.gif"></p>
 

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<p>YES!!!  STBX has been spending Saturdays here to be with DS, and it's messing with my head so bad!!!!  I've had to bite my tongue several times to not mention to him about reconciling or something.</p>
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<p>And then salt in the wound today, I almost asked him to stay after he put DD to bed so we could talk, but before I could say that he mentioned he was going out after that and he got a call and it was a woman's voice I heard. </p>
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<p>I feel so alone.  I hate it.  I know him and I don't work.  I know he is a major UAV... but gosh when he is here playing with the kids... it's hard not to think of the family being all together.</p>
 

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<p>This is me, right now, at the prospect of splitting. (again). he has a good moment, a good attitude for a few and it's like (what am I thinking? It's not so bad! I'm just too touchy) But I think I know better.</p>
 

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<p>That's why it's so incredibly helpful to keep a journal (or even MDC posts!) documenting the abuse. It's a lot easier to remember what it's really like when you have a written record of it.</p>
 

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<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>*MamaJen*</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1278730/ever-spend-time-with-an-abusive-ex-partner#post_16130303"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p>That's why it's so incredibly helpful to keep a journal (or even MDC posts!) documenting the abuse. It's a lot easier to remember what it's really like when you have a written record of it.</p>
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<br><br><p>In my case I was only able to convince myself to leave after I left myself a note in a place I would see first thing in the morning that I wrote during a horrid panic attack the night before.  </p>
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<p>My abuser was overseas and being horrible to me even over the phone.  Every night I had panic attacks fearing his planned return and my sleep was filled with the scariest dreams.  And every morning I would wake up in the daylight and think "it wasn't so bad", and that my panic attacks weren't real.  Finally one night I wrote myself a little note confirming my panic attack and that it was that bad with him and that I needed to leave, if not for my own sake at least for the sake of DD.  The next morning, I saw that note on the table where I had left it and I called the DV shelter asking for help.  I never spent another night in that apartment because I wrote something down that I couldn't downplay when I wasn't having a panic attack. </p>
 

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<p>I remember that line of thought.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Eventually though, I realized that "not that bad" wasn't the kind of relationship I wanted or deserved.</p>
 
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