[Mommay]

Hi all, I used to come here a lot but got side-tracked with other things. I came back just in time to read the ex and gf/bf spin-off, which was helpful. This is related to that, but I think my situation is a bit unique as well. I hope you can help as I am feeling really confused as to how to react.

When our marriage was breaking down, my ex told me that if I left him, he'd stay single forever because he couldn't see himself with anyone else. Ha! Only two months after I moved out, he was online dating. During that time, he met a woman. He's been on the phone with her for maybe 7-9 months, I'm not sure. But they seem really nutty together. From the stories he tells me, she got freaked out and then he did or something, and they only met for the first time two weeks ago. He travelled two states to see her. After that, he said they were talking about moving in together in three months. My ex then travelled again the next Friday to see her for a few hours, and then was three hours late picking up my ds on Sat. By Sunday, he said she was moving in with him next months. Wha? Wha? Wha?

This has nothing to do with nothing, but she is an illegal immigrant, which normally wouldn't make me bat an eye. I'm an immigrant myself, though I've been a citizen for 21 years. But it just lends to the chaos of the whole thing, and it seems there is an added incentive on her part to get him "hooked". Plus she has a son back in her country who she hasn't seen in years. Supposedly she came to this country to chase her bf at the time.

He's making three demands: 1. His relationship with his son is not affected. 2. I don't get her in trouble and 3. I have to meet her. We always talked about meeting each other's bf/gf before introducing them to Kyle. I always wanted a smooth transition. But I'm having a lot of trouble with this particular situation and I feel that if I consent to meet her and make good with her, I'm condoning the situation, which I don't want to do. I feel strongly that they're rushing in.

The fact is I can't make head or tails of what to do, so I don't even know what to tell him. I don't want to hurt his relationship with his son, and I don't want to get anyone in trouble. But I also can't predict what his actions will have on my son. Usually, he and I work things out and are basically respectful, though I have to try real hard sometimes. Is what he's doing insane or am I just reacting badly to it?

Thank you for any thoughts.

 

[lilyka]

well you can start with #3. I mean he wants you to meet her. be glad about that

then I would say numbers 1 and 2 are negotiable based on the out come of the meeting.

and if it makes you feel any better my brother met someone on line, they went streight from one date to living together (because they new each other sooo well) and within 2 weeks she was totally out of there. the reality of being in the same room as my brother . . . .

in light of the less than normal courtship do you think he would agree to an altered custody arangement just until everyone gets to know each other a little better and everyone is settled in?

 

[Jilian]

Wow, your post sounds eerily familiar. My ex met a girl on a vacation last July, flew here down for a visit in August and said she would not be going back home when she was here visiting. Then her probation officer said she needed to stay in her home state until her probation ended in December, so she went back home. She ended up moving back here in November (before her probation ended).

It was a hard adjustment and I felt ex was making a big mistake rushing into something that quickly and dragging our son into it with him. Telling him I thought he was making a mistake only made him want to do it more.

I think you should meet her. Will your DS be spending time with her? Could you and your ex set up a plan to gradually introduce her? The fact that she has a child she left behind would bother me too.

I guess all you can do is make the best of the situation. Your ex is free to make his own decisions and there really isn't much you can do to change his mind. You can try, but ultimately it is his decision to make. Some ex's like to make their ex's upset and take great joy in seeing them worried/upset/scared. My ex is certainly one of those people.

 

[Mommay]

Thanks for your thoughts. Lilyka, I always thought that I would be good about meeting the new gf, but the circumstances are making it difficult for me to come around. And although the relationship might not last, I abhor the idea that my son will watch my ex have "quickie" relationships, perhaps not for the last time. What model is that for my son?

My ex gets my son almost every weekend. It's when I get most of my studying done, so I'm reluctant to end that, though I have legal basis for doing it as my ex has no overnight visitation rights on paper. But perhaps I need to do that initially.

Jilian, probation???? Wow, that would have really bothered me if my ex took up with someone who needed a probation officer. Did she do anything really bad? The fact that my ex's gf left her child really, really bothers me. But I suppose I need to to meet her and see for myself as there's nothing I can really do to stop their actions. Did you feel like you were condoning their actions by being friendly with her? That feeling bothers me.

But maybe my situation is not that crazy. It seems that people are having to deal with ex's with bad judgement and worse.

 

[maybelle]

Quote:

I feel that if I consent to meet her and make good with her, I'm condoning the situation, which I don't want to do. I feel strongly that they're rushing in.

My first reaction is that you can consent to meeting her, but that does not mean you are consenting to make good with her. I'm saying that more to let yourself have more power over your impressions and reactions. I don't mean that you shouldn't be civil, even friendly. I don't know if I'm making sense, but it seemed like you felt that you were agreeing to "like" her, or, as you said, condone her actions. You can reserve those decisions for later. Maybe lilyka said it better, #1 & #2 are contingent on the outcome of #3

.

 

[freewitheft]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mommay He's making three demands: 1. His relationship with his son is not affected. 2. I don't get her in trouble and 3. I have to meet her.

Hmmm. Doesn't appear to me that he is in the position to be making demands of any sort. Especially since he doesn't even have overnight visitation legally. Seems like he is taking the "best defense is a good offense" tact with you. I don't know about you, but that would set off warnings on my radar even more. Of course, only you can make the decision on what to do here. If it were me though, I would agree to meet her and do whatever I can to limit visitation until I was comfortable with the situation. And, while I would not go out of my way to make trouble for an illegal immigrant, I surely would not hesitate to use that information in the process of protecting my children. If she abandoned her child to chase some dude, now latching on to your X, who's to say her next flaky idea won't be to head on back out of the country? And who's to say that your X won't think that's a great idea and disappear, with or without your dc? Chances are that a scenario like that is way off the map - but I would personally choose safe over sorry.

 

[Mommay]

I think the overall advice, which I agree with, is to meet her but limit visitation until I feel comfortable. I can do that.

I'm so glad I posted. I'm walking away feeling like I'm not alone, that this is not such a Crazy situation, but that it's just something else I have to deal with because of the divorce. And was the divorce with it? Yes, it was!!!

freewitheft, you hit it on the nose about his taking offense as the best defense. I felt really uncomfortable with his tactics, and I think that's why. I just told him I needed space. I never thought of the possibility of his fleeing. I don't think he'd do that. He loves ds, but he loves me taking care of ds for the majority of time. But still that is something that I should keep in the back of my mind. Thanks.