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Ex hugged me w/out permission

859 Views 17 Replies 14 Participants Last post by  Jster
I have no problem being amicable with ex especially around our dd. He can make it very difficult sometimes. Tonight he went to hug dd while she was in my arms, and instead he grabbed me and gave me a full hug. As I pulled away he was rubbing my back and saying is it really that bad? He said that it was good for dd to see that mommy and daddy can be affectionate. I told him to leave and kept my cool because dd was there. I am engaged and completely in love with fiance. Ex always pulls things like this when fiance is not around. Fiance and I don't live together. Just recently ex asked if I would make sure and invite him to the wedding since we all were going to be a family now. We have been divorced for a year and half and apart for 2 years. He has no business putting his hands on me like that. What should I do? Should I just leave it be. Fiance is being really great. He said it made him really mad for me, but I know he is mad at ex. It makes me so angry especially since ex was so controlling, and if someone had done that to me while we were married he would have blown his top at the man, and then probably blamed me. How could he think this was ok?

I really just needed to get this off my chest. I'm alone tonight and really needed to just write it all out.
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I can't think of what I want to say, I keep erasing myself but I hear you. He needs to keep his hands to himself. He's the ex.
: I don't know what to say. Its kinda like one of the moments where you shake your head and say what are you thinking! I would tell him that, that was crossing the line and to keep his hands to himself from now on because that is unappropriate behavior and you will not put up with it.
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Sharlia, I think he does. I left him, and he says all the time that he knows it's over, and he has moved on. He tries to make this very clear, but then he makes comments often about how he wished we could have worked things out, and that he wasn't there for me when I was in "crisis'. He wanted to sit down with me a month ago and discuss why I left him so he could have closure. He knows darn well why I left him, and I've told him many times. Another issue is that ex is also dealing with a disability that has limited what he is able to do. He also does not really take care of himself. They way he takes care of himself and the fact that he never goes out makes it very unlikely that he will meet anyone. He met me when I was 15 and he was 25. Without sounding conceded I am way out of his league, and he used the fact that I was so young to control and manipulate me. I really do feel empathy for what he is going through, but I will not be controlled by him anymore. And I do not find it appropriate for him to be hugging me. I just do not know what he is going to do next. Part of me felt like he was about to kiss me on the cheek. I forgot to mention that when he hugged me he said "I love you". He said he did not mean it in a bad way but that we should be able to show affection for our daughters sake. That he loves me becuase he cares about me but that he is completely over our relationship. I'm at a complete loss as to what to do.
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I can see why you are uncomfortable because of your history.

I am happy, though, that my ex and I do hug affectionately, and express platonic love for each other in front of the kids. I am grateful to call him my friend.
s for you Teagan.
Have you tried talking to ex that your not comfortable about what he is doing.
Hope things will be better for you.
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I would keep reinforcing the boundary and telling him that you are not interested in hugging him or being affectionate with him in any way. His response was so darn manipulative. He crosses the line and then acts like you are the one with the problem. He is not respecting you and I would just keep up what you are doing. It sounds like you have his number. Good luck, mama!!
Perhaps if he's such a controlling, manipulating person, he'll never believe it from you? Perhaps your fiance can talk to him?

Sounds like such a creap!!! What business did he have with a 15 yo in the first place, grrr (I was in a similar relationship as a teenager and am still angry about someone taking advantage of my youth. Now I totally can understand why statutory rape laws are in existence!)

Tell him it's not okay, and that the important thing for your daughter to see is PEOPLE RESPECTNG HER BOUNDARIES!!!
That is so crappy. What a jerk.

I would tell him that if he is going to pull crap like that again, you will either have to meet him in a public place or you will have another person present when you meet to pick up your child. Take a firm stand with him and follow through so he understands you will not bow down to him anymore, he cannot control you anymore and he cannot get away with those kinds of inappropriate behaviors anymore.

It sounds like he is hung up on you. It sounds like he's desperately trying to find some contact with you for his own personal reasons and it's clearly inapppropriate. His comments afterward about good to show affection is crap. Your child needs to see that her parents can respect one another more than she ever needs to see you hug.
Sounds just like my STBX. It's a really uncomfortable situation to be put it. Especially doing it without your permission. He is not respecting your boundaries. Try telling him that it is not appropriate for him to do that anymore and that it makes you feel uncomfortable.

It might not work. My STBX still hugs me sometimes and once even kissed me on my neck, I pushed him away and left. It makes me feel so mad and violated
: But on the other hand I feel bad for him. He's also somewhat manipulative and a hot-head.

Our situations sound very similar, my DS was born a week after your DD and I've also been living away from STBX for 1.5 yrs but not with him for 2 yrs. I know what your feeling mama!
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He should not try to pull stuff like that if it's against your wishes period. I guess enforcing that is another thing. I can't think of anything you could do though.
No. Just no.

DD does not need to see that mommy and daddy can be affectionate. DD needs to see that mommy and daddy can be respectful. Kind. Polite. DD needs to see that everyone.... EVERYONE! has a right to their own space and to say who can and cannot touch them. Write your ex a note explaining to him that you are uncomfortable with him touching you and that you will not permit it. Be very clear that from this time forward unless he specifically hears otherwise any attempt on his part to touch you will be met with a push away and a verbal reminder, "I have asked you not to touch me. Please respect my boundries." And then do it. DO IT! For your sake and more importantly for your daughters sake.

We all talk about teaching our kids limits and how to stand up for themselves.... the best teaching is demonstrating.

Also... you do not have to invite him to the wedding if you don't want to.
Maybe just tell him (not at a time when he's trying to touch you) how it bothers you that he hugs you without your permission. Calmly but firmly, and if he does it again, tell him with your fiance there so the message really gets in.
Okay, I'm really not trying to be a contentious feminist here... but what does it say to everyone involved if she needs her fiance to tell her ex to simply keep his hands to himself? I honestly don't see that this has anything to do with her fiance... except that because he cares about her he is upset that she is upset.
Thanks everyone so much!!! It felt really good to get it off my chest. For now I plan on emailing him. If I try to talk to him then he will start talking to me like I'm a little girl and he is all knowing, which always gets my goat. I know I shouldn't let it get to me. I'm working on that! Fortunately, it doesn't happen very often anymore because I don't have to put up with it and he knows it. But if he ever hugs me again, I will be sure and make it clear that it is not acceptable.

Kama'aina Mama, it's kinda funny, because that is something my ex would have expected me to ask him to do. And if I wouldn't ask him he would have done it anyway. Makes me love my guy even more. Thankyou!

Originally Posted by kama'aina mama
Okay, I'm really not trying to be a contentious feminist here... but what does it say to everyone involved if she needs her fiance to tell her ex to simply keep his hands to himself? I honestly don't see that this has anything to do with her fiance... except that because he cares about her he is upset that she is upset.
I agree in an ideal world then it wouldn't make any difference who tells a creep to keep his hands to himself
But if this has come up before, and he hasn't listened, perhaps some intimidation would make a difference? At least, that's why I suggested it...not because I think it SHOULD be necessary, just because it MIGHT help. Does that make any sense?
Since the goal is to get him to stop, sometimes it's necessary to think outside of the (feminist) box if necessary to get to the least, that's been my experience! (kinda...when dealing with a neanderthal, use language that'll work...)
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