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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
my ex got married in Nov. and i found out accidentaly because his step sons name showed up on my sons dental insurance statement from a visit in February. i know that his step son could only appear on the insurance unless my ex had married and i called the county in which i thought he would have a marriage liscense and *bingo* he did!!! ex has not introduced me to her, and i only heard of the engagement via his lawyer to my lawyer about a week before they got married and then he never said he was getting married in a week. i am just not quite sure how to handle this, i haven't talked to my lawyer yet, but what are my rights conerning this situation? we have a "temporary" custody order which is supposedly going to be turned into a joint custody order this summer. i honestly don't understand how i am supposed to have joint custody with someone of such low moral character. by the way this is his third in 14 years and he is 32. it is such a frusterating situaion. would the judge actually care to hear that he didn't inform me of such an event? i only found out that his girlfriend excisted by accident last november, he tried to hide that from me, but dd spilled the beans. i have never even met her before. what to do???
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/shy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="innocent"> this may sound insensitive, but I don't think a Judge is going to care if he told you or not.<br><br>
Legally there is not a reason, I don't think unless someone knows more than I do. And Morally I don't think he had a reason either.<br><br>
Yes you SHOULD know who your child is around,an that is what i think is really messed up. But I doubt a Judge is going to see any fault in this unless the woman has any known issues?<br><br>
Don't know, I don't see a reason why either of you should know about the other's personal lives unless you both agree you should. Don't know. I just really dont know.<br><br>
I feel for you though, hope it works out for you but being married 3 times doesn't mean much to me as a person as a 'low moral' road. Just means you made a mistake 2 times and it didn't work out.<br><br>
Dont know.... God I wish I had more insightful wisdom but I dont...<br><br>
sorry, keep your chin up, and keep your kid safe. All that really matters
 

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I get that he sucks, but I don't see how this affects your children adversely. So I don't think you have a case for full custody. Sorry that he didn't have the decency to tell you. :-(
 

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My ex remarried w/o telling me...but it was actually a real relief when I heard about it...like that door was finally closed, like he was really someone else's problem now (and I doubt they'll make it into a long future together), and I felt vindicated in a way, because he'd had an affair with the woman while we were married and him marrying her seemed to prove yup, there was no more I could have done (and I sure as heck did try), because he was going on his new road w/o me. The only thing that bothered me was that he didn't involve his two children in the wedding, even though one of our dd's had been a flower girl at his brother's wedding earlier in the year, so she was really sad to have not been a part (kept asking me, "Who was the flower girl at daddy's wedding, mom?")<br><br>
Is there any way that you can try and see the positive in this? Or narrow down what it is that really bothers you to deal with it more effectively?<br><br>
And I agree with Yoshua, there isn't anything that the courts will see wrong with it, and if you bring it up you'll probably look petty. I don't go quite so far as to say there might not be something morally wrong with three marriages...because I think marriage is more than something that is just a "mistake" that oops! happens. It definitely REFLECTS on him...and that will show through regardless of what you say/do about it. Next time, he'll have 4 marriages in x years, and it will become even clearer (or he'll go the route of never bothering ot get married so as not to wrack up the exes <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> that was my uncle's technique).<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> hope time heal's this wound...
 

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It does suck that he didn't tell you but I don't see where he had an obligation to...<br><br><br>
...but then my hubby and I are still married.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>CalebsMama05</strong></div>
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...but then my hubby and I are still married.</div>
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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/duh.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="duh">
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Yoshua</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I feel for you though, hope it works out for you but being married 3 times doesn't mean much to me as a person as a 'low moral' road. Just means you made a mistake 2 times and it didn't work out.<br></div>
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(Haven't read the rest of the thread yet).<br><br>
I have to second Yoshua's post in every point, but especially the above quote. I'm not of "low moral" character, standards or anything else and I've been married three times in, uh.... 16 years. All it means is that:<br>
Marriage #1 - I got married FAR too young to an immature young man with a serious alcohol problem (he'd black out and beat me when drunk - I got married within a week of turning 18). 18 month marriage, no kids, thankfully. I left him because I didn't want to die.<br><br>
Marriage #2 - I got married FAR too fast to an immature young man (see a pattern here? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> ) who believed that "monogamy" meant not getting caught cheating. We knew each other for 4 weeks before he proposed the first time (I turned him down) and he continued to propose nearly daily for the next two-three weeks until I agreed. One son, I have primary custody, he has EoWE. 14 month marriage - 1 affair per month on average. I left him because I didn't want my son growing up thinking that was how men behaved.<br><br>
Marriage # 3 - I married a man who I thought was everything I ever wanted in a man. I'd known him for 16 years before marrying him. We were happily married for almost three years when he underwent a massive personality/behavioral change after attending an 8 week military recruiter school for the Army. Within 2 weeks of his return, I was pregnant with our son. Within 7 months, he was becoming violent and angry with his children and expressing suicidal thoughts. Within 9 months, he'd abandoned his children and left me (approx 9 months pregnant) to move in with his mistress. Two months later, he made threats against my life and the lives of all of our children - his, mine and ours. He has no contact with our son nor any of his other 4 children with his exwife and exgf. Ironically, this is my longest marriage to date, since we are STILL married - we're heading for 7 years this summer!<br><br>
There are very few men that I dated in between there - all of them "serious" relationships. So, am I of "low moral" character?<br>
I'm sure you have much more history of your ex that fulfills the "low moral character" description, but just saying he is LCM due to being married for the third time leaves it open for unnecessary, unintended hurt feelings and insult. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
Luckily, after three husbands, I have a pretty thick skin... :p
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
i apologize if my post offended you, about the "low moral degree"/erd marriage part, i wasn't intending on generalizing people with or being a 3rd marriage as having low moral degree. not telling me that he was married and then suggesting that we should be "friends" and lying and manipulating and trying to decieve me about all kinds of things brings him to a low level. there are so many other issues in my situation, my ex is an abuser and he is harrassing me, he is trying to take our kids away from me, etc, etc, etc,..it would take me hours tell all that has happened. i have several friends myself who have been married twice and are looking to get married again but i don't condemn them because they may marry again. i apologize again if any of my post offended you. thank you, violeta
 

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I agree with the others.<br><br>
In a perfect world, it would be great if we all got along with our ex's, had friend-like relationships and knew the other people in their lives as well. But, in reality most judges won't care if he got remarried or not unless there was a major problem (abuse or something) involving the kids.<br><br>
I remember when my ex started dating, I felt as the 'mom' that I had the 'right' to know who his girlfriend was and what she was like because she would be around 'my' children. My ex made it very clear that 'he' was also the parent and 'I' didn't need to know everyone, because he was able to decide who the kids could be around too.<br><br>
I hated him saying it, but had to admit he had a point. You have to trust that your ex will make sure the kids are safe.
 

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My ex has been married and divorced twice in 2 years, was dumped by his fourth fiance, and is now on his 5th fiance in 4 years (what are these women thinking?!?)<br><br>
Anyway, I totally feel that he should have told you. Morally, and legally. Although it's not a law, I think it definitely should be! Now, if your ex doesn't have a place in your child's life at the time, then no. I don't think you should need to tell them. But really, this person that you or your ex marries is going to be half or more of the parent for your child, and you shouldn't have a right to even know this person, let alone know that they are married?? Now, whether it's going to get you full custody or not, I highly doubt it. However, someone said something about unless this woman has bad things in her history, etc. Well that's the point! The ex has been married since November to this woman and she doesn't even know the new wife, let alone have a chance to find out if this she's is even stable.<br><br>
I'm sorry, but I would freak if my ex married someone and didn't even tell me that this person was co-parenting my child. Maybe I'm way off course here, but I feel that I definitely have a right to know who my child is staying with.<br><br>
And on the flip side, I would have no problem telling my ex that I was getting married if we were actually co-parenting. Not that he would care for my son's sake, but I would tell him just as I would expect him to tell me.<br><br>
That said, I am coming from a different side than some of you because my ex probably doesn't even know when my son was born, let alone actually play any kind of role in his life.
 

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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">i am just not quite sure how to handle this, i haven't talked to my lawyer yet, but what are my rights conerning this situation?</td>
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Uhh... not quite sure how to handle this? Mind your business. What right would you have to interfere with your exes new marriage? Maybe this attitude you have right now is the reason he didn't tell you he got married.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">we have a "temporary" custody order which is supposedly going to be turned into a joint custody order this summer. i honestly don't understand how i am supposed to have joint custody with someone of such low moral character. by the way this is his third in 14 years and he is 32. it is such a frusterating situaion. would the judge actually care to hear that he didn't inform me of such an event? i only found out that his girlfriend excisted by accident last november, he tried to hide that from me, but dd spilled the beans. i have never even met her before. what to do???</td>
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Do you notify your ex about all the different people who will be around your child? Obviously he trusts this woman. Try to trust his judgement and that he wouldn't allow your children to get hurt.
 

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Yep, the law sees it as now that you two are not married, you really don't have any right to say who your ex does and does not see. He doesn't have the right to do that to you, either. Would you want to have to "clear" all your future boyfriends, etc, though him? My dh's ex tried to keep us from getting married. I can't tell you how hurtful that was not only to me and dh, but also to my stepson. The only business you have with him now is your child.
 

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I'm not speaking for anyone but myself, or for any reason than to understand where you all are coming from on this subject.<br><br>
When yous ay the only business she has is with her child, doesn't that mean that she has a right to at least know who her child is living with when her daughter is with them?<br><br>
I'm not implying that he should have to *clear* any girlfriends/fiances/wives with her. WHo he chooses is who he chooses. But I still think she should have a right to meet this person and at least know what she's dealing with. For example, if he's the type of guy to just leave his kid with his new wife whenever the daughter is over there, she should know whether the new wife is someone responsible, or if she should "be alert". Is this someone who does, for example, have problems that a judge should know about, and should the child not be allowed in her care?<br><br>
I don't know from personal experience, I would just think that it would be a given that she should be allowed to know who her daughter is being cared for. Maybe this woman is great! Maybe she's an awesome person who will help guide this girl through life. But I would want to know either way.
 

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Hmmm, what about taking the (really high) high road? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> What if you sent a sincere "congratulations" card, expressing a desire to meet this nice new stepmom that your kids just gained? Wouldn't that just blow their minds?
 

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I don't know, I guess I'm a little more in the "reflects on moral character" camp even though I don't go so far as to say it automatically makes bad moral character. If he didn't involve/inform his kids, then that's really reprehensible in my book. I guess I saw how much that hurt my dd, so I see how it could be in many different ways. Although I agree that the original post sounds like jealousy (which of course is problematic itself), I do think there are legitimate reasons why parents SHOULD communicate about such things. And the reason they don't is probably bad (fear, embarassment, etc.) or a reflection of communication problems.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Blessed81902</strong></div>
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When yous ay the only business she has is with her child, doesn't that mean that she has a right to at least know who her child is living with when her daughter is with them?</div>
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A parent does know them and has cleared them. The father.<br><br>
Divorce sucks. You are out of power when the child is in the other home.<br><br>
Remarriage, future children, none of that is the ex's buisness. It would be NICE if they shared the info as it does clearly effect the child but if the relationship is difficult there is no reason why they have to. After all they will tell thier children about the changes in their home and they will deal with their child's reaction to the change in their home.<br><br>
If I thought my ex might view a subsequent marriage as "proof of low moral character" I would keep it to myself too lest that attitude be leaked onto my child. This way he got several months to prove to the child that life would be OK with the new wife before child's mom's attitude about new wife seeped over the child.<br><br>
I think if you spew to the judge about how you had a right to know you will find it backfireing on you.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Jster</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I don't know, I guess I'm a little more in the "reflects on moral character" camp even though I don't go so far as to say it automatically makes bad moral character. If he didn't involve/inform his kids, then that's really reprehensible in my book. I guess I saw how much that hurt my dd, so I see how it could be in many different ways. Although I agree that the original post sounds like jealousy (which of course is problematic itself), I do think there are legitimate reasons why parents SHOULD communicate about such things. And the reason they don't is probably bad (fear, embarassment, etc.) or a reflection of communication problems.</div>
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I'm with Jster on this one, too. If the parents are communicating enough to coordinate overnight visitations, then a brief mention of "oh, by the way, I'm getting married" doesn't really seem that unreasonable. I think any time the living situation changes, for either parent, then that should be communicated (when overnight visits are involved).<br>
I guess I'm speaking from personal experience, but I WANTED to meet ex's son's mom - because she was an important part of his life and he was an important part of our lives. Any time the "new live-in gf/wife/bf/husband" doesn't make an effort to be known, I get a little uneasy. It seems to me that anyone on the up&up would want to be involved.<br><br>
As for not including your kids - well, that's really crappy IMO <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">:
 
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