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Thank you all for sharing your stories. I wish I'd had this thread to read a couple of weeks ago.

On Wed. 8/18 I began spotting, just a little and it was brown, but I *knew* it was not a good thing. My midwife encouraged me to rest, and not to panic, that spotting was not unusual, etc. Thursday morning it hadn't stopped so I went to the OB for an ultrasound. The OB kept trying to be positive, telling me that brown spotting was better than red, that it was a good sign that my cervix was closed, that, due to my age, I may just need some progesterone--but I *knew*.

We immediately saw the baby on the ultrasound and I waited and waited for her to comment on it. She took some measurements, then went on to identify other parts. I couldn't wait any longer so I just said, "There's no heartbeat." and she replied, "No." The baby was also measuring 2 weeks smaller than she should have. (I say "she" not because we knew, but because of a feeling I had, and a dream.)

The OB really, really pushed me to have a D&C but my midwife was supportive of my choice not to. Myfeeling was that my body was already doing what it was supposed to do--it had recognized that there was a problem with the pregnancy and it was preparing to abort it. I had no reason to believe that it wouldn't continue the process. Besides, I wanted to avoid the risks of surgery/anesthesia. On an emotional note, a D&C seemed violent to me and I felt that I needed to go through the process rather than just wake up in recovery and be empty.

Anyway, the spotting continued from Wed. through Sat. On Sat. I had labor-like pains that I needed to focus on and breathe through. I spent a lot of time in the tub, which helped. In the evening, I began passing large clots and gushes of blood. My midwife has cautioned me that using more than one pad in 20 min would be cause for concern. From around 7pm--9pm I bleed a lot and we decided to go to the ER. In the 10 min. trip to the hospital, I soaked not only a pad, but my clothing, and 2 cloth diapers--blood was running down my legs as we got to the ER and I was very, very scared.

I was still passing a lot of tissue and the nurse kept looking for the baby. I stabilized on my own, fortunately, and the bleeding slowed without intervention. All they ended up doing was giving me iv fluids and monitoring me. They were surprisingly supportive of my wishes to avoid a D&C if at all possible. I went home around midnight and by 2 a.m. the gushes had stopped completely.

Sunday, Monday, Tuesday it looked just like a period. I was tired and pale but felt that it was over. On Wednesday I woke up feeling profoundly and overwhelmingly sad, as if I was falling into some dark hole. At noon, with no warning, I felt something pass. It was the sack, about 3" x 2". I was shocked, because the OB had said the baby was so small I might not notice it, and because the ER doc felt that, while they hadn't seen the baby, surely I must have passed it. It was exactly one week from my first spotting.

I immediately felt a difference in my mood. I can't say that I was happy, but the dark pressure I'd felt earlier had lifted. I opened the sack, because I needed to see and because I was just so amazed. The walls were very thick--like Karen said, that surprised me--there was fluid inside and then the baby, about 3/4 of an inch long. Pure white. I could see the head but not make out any facial features. I saw arms and legs and body. We buried her in the garden and placed a plant in that spot which will flower during the time that I carried her.

Although it was hard, and overwhelmingly sad, the process gave me time to mourn and a way to say goodbye.

No one irl seems to want to hear how this all happened, but I really needed to tell the story and to hear others' stories, to know that my feelings are shared and that others understand. I understand that not everyone will be able to read this thread, but thank you so much for starting it, Karen. I think it will help a lot of women.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by gristastic

I don't know if you can understand this, but it becomes hard to validate your feelings when you don't know what the real situation was. I feel stupid and melodramatic at times, just for feeling sad, and wondering about a baby that might not have even been there. And sometimes, I just feel like I should shut the heck up and count my blessings, as I could very easily have lost both, and have no baby at all.

You absolutely should NOT shut up!! I think that's what this thread is about. There doesn't seem to be any other place to talk about this so frankly. I think that miscarriage is one topic, in a long line of topics, that are taboo. Women's issues are often silenced in our society. There was a time that no one talked about menstruation and what to expect, or childbirth and what to expect, and certainly miscarriage is one of those subjects that people are uncomfortable talking about.

For me, seeing the sack and baby was important to my mourning. I *do* understand your need to know, and I'm sorry for your loss and for the questions that you're dealing with.

I think that sharing our experiences is about more than just educating each other about the different ways this can happen--it's about being able to express our feelings about it without anyone saying, "At least you have other kids" or "You can always try again" or any other comments that make us feel unentitled to our feelings about this experience.

Okay, stepping down from the soapbox now.
 

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Originally Posted by gristastic
It's easier to be supportive of others than to allow ourselves those things we need to feel better again.
You said it, hon!!
 
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