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Thought I would add my experience here. It wasnt nearly as bad as I thought it would be(thank god)...I was really really depressed and I sat on here and read through every story as others did.

The pregnancy was a surprise and to be honest I was a little worried about how I would make ends meet, I have a two and a half year old and already things are tight. But nonetheless I was getting really excited and also excited about healing my last birth and doing this one right. (my last birth was with a midwife in a birthing center. She was a posterior 9 and a half pound, shoulder distocia and with a lip of cervix that kept slipping over her head. Her heartbeat was going down and up and I had to push against the lip of cervix because she had to get out now...after a 36 hour painful labor)

Anyway I had an odd feeling about this pregnancy and was feeling really guilty about it, I thought maybe I wasnt connecting with it because I was worried about multiple things. It never seemed real. About three days before my '6wk' mark I had a little bit of brown discharge in my underwear. It worried me because I never had that before, but since it never developed into anything else that night I wasnt worried. The day I turned 6 weeks I woke up in the morning and went to the bathroom. I had a silver dollar size of fresh, bright red blood in my underwear. I knew at that point things werent right. I had an appointment with a midwife in a few days and called her. She said to watch and see if more blood and cramping came. That night I had about the same amount of blood. The next day in the evening I had more blood. And the day after that I bleed pretty much all day. For about four weeks straight I bled and bled and bled...and passed small clots.I had a little bit of cramps and but just dealt with it like I dealt with my labor cramps...they really werent so bad. I was so shocked I would actually have to pass my little baby, and see the poor little thing that never grew. I was preparing myself to see my baby. I wasnt sure I wanted to see it but I knew I didnt want someone sucking it out of me, it was MY baby anyhow. Well, as of today...which is about 5 weeks ago since I started to bleed...I havent passed anything but blood, and I havent bled in a week, I think its done....and I am thankful my experience was mild. I thought I needed to write this because I wanted other women to know, sometimes it just isnt as traumatic as others. I took a two pregnancy tests, one yesterday and one this morning, Both negative..so I am thinking that since the pregnancy hormone left so quick out of my system I must have lost the baby pretty early on. I didnt have any prenatal care..because I started to lose the baby before my first appointment, the midwived suggested I just let it pass naturally and that was my choice as well. I have been feeling pretty crappy...not wanting to eat, having bad headaches, general feeling of crappiness.

Anyway...I am so sorry for those women going through this, it is very very hard...you feel like a failure..somehow you failed your baby, somehow maybe you didnt want the baby enough? Or maybe you didnt deserve this baby? I am still feeling some of it...
 

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My m/c at almost 7 weeks.

This thread was so helpful to me during the past couple of weeks; I'm also grateful to everyone who shared her story. I found I was looking for other stories of very early losses, so i thought I would share mine.

This was my third pregnancy but 1st miscarriage. I think i had been waiting for symptoms to start after 5 weeks, because I had major morning sickness & fatigue with the others. The weekend I should have been 6 weeks I work up with a feeling that something was wrong. I don't know exactly how to describe it, but the symptoms I had been having were gone. I was less tired, it hurt less to nurse, the sensitivities to taste/smell were less, and I just didn't "feel" pregnant. I tried to tell myself it was silly, but over the day I felt a growing sense of dread.

The next morning, Sunday, I woke to a small bit of spotting. My heart sunk. I would have told myself that light spotting wasn't a cause for panic except that it followed the previous day. I think from that point I knew, but I had to go through a painful 6 days of wondering and waiting and going through the steps. First a call to the midwife. Then an appt for the following day. The HCg levels, two days apart, and results from those finally back on Thursday. We weren't doing an ultrasound yet because at 6 weeks you may or may not see a heartbeat even if things are progressing normally, so we agreed to wait until closer to 7 weeks for that.

The blood test results were unsettling; the first level was on the very low end of the normal range (1547 at 6 weeks), which could still be okay if they were doubling. I had had no other spotting, bleeding, or cramping. This seemed like a hopeful sign. During these days, going through the motions (kids, work, home) was excruciating - for me harder than the next week would be.

The second blood test showed a very slight rise. This doesn't usually indicate a viable pregnancy. However it can mean an ectopic. So I was supposed to get in for an ultrasound, and for half a day I couldn't get the midwives to schedule one; it was maddening. Spending that day and night thinking I was facing an ectopic pregnancy was so terrifying.

Finally on Friday dh & I went for the ultrasound. I began to have more spotting that day. I was shaking uncontrollably in the u/s and was convinced it was ectopic and was praying it wouldn't rupture... So when the u/s tech showed me she saw a sac inside my uterus, it was such a relief. Unlike others, I wasn't expecting by that point to see a heartbeat. To be able to see that there was a sac, measuring 5 weeks, gave me the answer that I needed to finally hear. It was helpful for me to confirm it and just turn to face what was going to happen next.

This next part, I feel now, was kind of a blessing. After reading of how others waited or had to decide whether to do a procedure, I am amazed how fortunate I was in a way to start bleeding shortly after the u/s was done. I was cramping by the evening, and had bleeding that night.

In the morning it turned to heavy bleeding, heavier than a regular period. For me it was only on the toilet though, I only bled a little onto pads. It came together with the cramping and I could go to the toilet when I felt like I would be bleeding. Having gone through labor twice was helpful with the discomfort of that morning. It was moderately painful, worse than period cramps a little but not like labor contractions. I took Tylenol, figuring why not. I also used my heating pads from my doula bag, told dh how I wanted my back rubbed, and took a hot bath and later a shower.

That morning I passed several clots the size of a walnut or egg. I saved one piece of something for planting outside with a new bush this spring, but honestly I don't know that I felt like I knew what was what. I think since the sac was 5 weeks, I didn't expect to see/recognize much and didn't try that hard to.

The next day was odd. The cramping and bleeding were lighter and I felt like, "Is this it?" And friend helped me make plans to take off work for a few days but I wasn't sure if I was just done anyway. I'm glad I was home because after I got the girls to school I did have another round of painful cramping and some larger clots.

After that I felt so much better, physically. My bleeding continued, like a moderate and then a light period, for the rest of the week. Now it is 10 days after the first day of bleeding and I'm have no more spotting.

Emotionally it's another story but that's my experience of the physical side of things.
 

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I am so grateful for this thread. I've been lurking in this forum for about two weeks, reading everyone's experiences and thoughts. Many of the stories really hit home with me. So many tales express the emotional and spiritual aspects of miscarriage. Just hearing the stories helps me move forward, just knowing that so many strong women have recovered emotionally. I never knew how hard this would be and am forever changed by it. I'm looking at people in a new light. And I hope none of my coworkers/friends were ever hurt by my casual questions/comments about how they should have more kids.

Here is my story. It's more of a nightmare that I almost wish to forget.

I found out I was pregnant with our fourth and quickly got excited. My husband told ALL of our close friends and his coworkers (except for my parents, one of my sisters, ) - he really can't keep secrets. The pregnancy felt "normal" to me and was tired/nauseous/emotional/avoiding smells.

I went in for a dating ultrasound at 8 weeks (according to my LMP - but I knew I'd be 2 weeks off). The ultrasound showed a sac and a yolk but no baby or heartbeat. They thought I was a smidge over 6 weeks. The doctor didn't explain much to us at the ultrasound and didn't show us the screen. My dates could have been off since I was nurisng, so we kept using that excuse. But I never got an u/s picture, the Dr acted weird (but this was our first time with her) and the office acted nervous/scared when I asked them to send the info over to my HB midwife. They wanted a followup u/s in two weeks. During that long two weeks, I convinced myself everything was fine. Sure I could nurse without pain, but I was still tired and nauseous.

The second u/s still showed only a yolk and a 8 wk sac. They estimated the baby probably ended at 4/5 weeks. I left crying and unable to talk to anyone. That evening the Dr called and said that the u/s machine was new and they had some issues with other people's u/s and she wanted to make sure that she gave us the correct diagnosis. I tried not to get my hopes up and rushed over there. But the second and third u/s showed the same results as that morning. The first week of waiting was the worst. I cried and was depressed. After a week, I hit a numb spot and my tiredness/nausea disappeared so waiting wasn't so bad.

The bleeding started at two weeks after the final diagnosis. At ~10.5 weeks. In the evening on Friday I had a rush of red/dark red blood. I put a pad on and had another rush. It didn't even halfway soak the pad. But the bleeding stopped within the hour. I was super emotional (ie crazzzy) that day and kept yelling at my kids for stupid things. I typically get like that right before my period, so there must have been a surge of hormones or something that day.

Saturday I woke up and went about my day. Cramps began around 11 am. They weren't bad, but they were stronger then menstral cramps had more of a pattern to them. They didn't make me stop moving/talking but they were pretty intense. I ended up going out with my mom because I already agreed to it and she still didn't know what was going on. I didn't want to tell her. The cramps continued to intensify and by 2pm they felt like early labor. By 3 I was tempted to stop the car and ask my mom to drive. I needed to breath through the cramps and not talk. They were coming ever couple of minutes and lasting 30 seconds. Somehow I made it home, inside, and got two kids settled in front of the TV without letting on that I was in pain. My mom ended up leaving (thank goodness) and I immediately went to the bathroom. The cramps were definitely on the level of labor but they weren't all consuming like hard labor. There hadn't been any bleeding all day but as soon as I sat down there was a rush of blood and clots. I called my husband telling him what was going on. I wanted him home but figured I could last the 1.5 hr before he was due to leave work. I wanted to make sure he would actually leave at closing time (he typically can't if he is in the middle of a sale). Quickly after I had to go to the bathroom again. I just felt like I had to. I had been reading this thread and figured I'd see a sac and placenta so I had placed a colander in the toilet. The amount of blood and clots did alarm me. I didn't know how much was OK, but it was just disgusting and seemed like a lot. After a few more trips to the bathroom within the next 10/15 minutes, I called my husband back and asked if he was leaving. He said no as he was in the middle of two sales (it was still 1.25 hrs till closing). I told him I needed him home and he needed to tell his work he was leaving. I couldn't watch my youngest and I wanted him home to watch me. He came home and I stayed in the bathroom with rushes of clots coming every 10 minutes or so. The cramps were coming every 3 to 5 minutes. After maybe 30 minutes I went back in the living room. I quickly realized that was a mistake as my pad couldn't handle the clots (and it was super gross to have it land in the pad). But I did think walking around was encouraging the blood/clots to pass, so I would do little walks and run back to the bathroom.

I continued to have gushes of large clots every 15 minutes but the cramps subsided. By ~7pm I was just getting a twinge of a cramp that would tell me I needed to go to the bathroom to let the clots come out. By that time I wasn't feeling the best and just wanted to lay down. When I got up I would feel nauseous. I was getting nervous because the bleeding wasn't slowing and it seemed like a lot. Every time I went, I think I was losing at east a 1/2 cup of clots/fluid. Maybe even a cup. I wasn't quite dizzy but my head was feeling funny. I had not called the dr yet, even though I was supposed to. I started thinking I needed to ask someone how long it was OK for this to continue. At 9pm we finally called. He basically said to take 2 ibupropen to slow the bleeding and since i wanted to stay home that we'd reevaluate in the morning. Shortly afterward, there was no mistaking my feelings...I was lightheaded and felt like I was going to pass out. It wasn't a huge problem just an inconvience and I tried to stay laying down as long as I could between clots. The clots did appear to be getting smaller (now maybe 1/2 inches in diameter as opposed to looking like a fat man's thumb or cracker size) but the amount of bleeding wasn't slowing and I was getting scared. But I still didn't want to have someone watch my kids and to go to the ER for nothing. But then I couldn't even sit up. Which was a problem as I needed to get on the toilet ever 15 minutes. I couldn't stomach sitting on a chux pad with this mess. I couldn't get off the bathroom floor and just kept saying how I felt so sick. I basically felt fine if I was laying down but as soon as I sat up my ears would ring, I would see stars/darkening, my head would get cloudy, and I felt so sick until I laid back down for a minute. My husband called my sister to come over (bless her...she has a 4 week old baby and all my kids ended up waking up crying that night). We couldn't get a hold of the Dr and left a message saying we were leaving for the ER. I went to the bathroom one last time (keeping my head between my legs) and only half the amount of clots came out. This made me second guess the ER trip, but we already had my sister coming over.

We left for the hospital but I couldn't walk a few steps without resting and putting my head on the ground. My husband let me lean on him and we "ran" for the car. I laid down in the back of our van for the ride. I felt fine as long as I was laying down. I managed to walk halfway across the parking lot before having my husband get me a wheelchair. I felt better in the hospital and could actually keep my head above my waist without feeling dizzy. My blood pressure was low and my pulse was high. They hoped that IV fluids would help and I was just dehydrated. After an hour, they didn't change. But my bleeding was definitely less. I had no passing of clots since being home and the cramps were back at the menstrual level and very infrequent. During their exam, they said I was still actively bleeding (duh, I could have told you that) and he put a puny piece of gauze in me (???). After a bit they came in to discuss a D&C. Which at that time I was fine with. I didn't see any sac/placenta in my clots and was afraid I would still bleed for awhile. My husband didn't know much about D&C and tried to get the nurse/resident to tell him if it was really needed. They obviously pushed for the D&C. But all other options/details were skimmed over. The Dr was on his way over (I think he was at a restaunt or some when I talked to him) and they started prepping to move me. It was 1am at this point. I so didn't want it to end like this but I do believe this was best. I did wonder if I could just wait it out since I wasn't bleeding much. But I kept reminding myself of how I couldn't get off the bathroom floor at home or walk into the hospital. It was all surreal moving down the the OR and prepping for surgery. I was praying for the oxeygyn to be gas so I could just pass out. Amazingly I felt fine when I woke up. My arm were the IV was bugged me but nothing else. No cramps, no bleeding, no sore parts. I actually felt like I wanted sex (totally weird and unfortunately it sounds like I made mention of how I really wanted to have sex during my drugged stupor over and over again - ugh). They released me at 3am and I went home.

Eventually fell asleep for 2 hours and woke up feeling amazing good. Just emotionally numb, had a sore arm, and felt super tired/slightly dizzy. I couldn't stand for longer than 30 seconds so I just sat there for the better part of the morning. I had been planning on having a birthday dinner for my youngest that day. My mom at this point knew we went to the ER and wanted to take our kids for the day. We ended up going over her house for a dinner instead and my sister went also. It was a actually nice to spend the day with family. By the end of it I could walk around for a minute or so.

Today is Monday. The kids went to daycare and I stayed home to rest. My job isn't demanding but I don't feel ready to pretend to be normal.

I still feel numb but I do get sad when I think of it all and don't want to tear up at my desk. My bleeding is almost nonexistent. And I'm only complaining about feeling sore (arm, throat from breathing tube, and neck/back??)

I am trying not to dwell on the future that won't be. Or how my heart has been broken.

I have three amazing kids and they make me smile everyday.

The silver lining is that this might have brought me and my husband a bit closer together (the last couple years have been rough on our relationship). And we know that we WANT more children.
 

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Hi, my name is Laura. I am 28. This was my first pregnancy. It was not planned. I had a miscarriage on March 18th. This is my story..

I went to Vienna, Austria on March 3 to be with my college roommate to support her while she received alternative treatment for Stage IV Lung Cancer. It sounds depressing, but she feels good, the treatments were going to be better than Chemo, and we would make the best of it (her twin sister was going too). I had a feeling I was pregnant before I left and had taken some tests. I remember one that i took, went back later and thought I saw a line, but figured I was just seeing things. The 3rd day into our trip I just knew. I thought back to when did I last get my period? I remembered that I had messed up on my Birth Control and had been waiting to get my period to start a new pack, but since when? I remember thinking on Valentines day I could be pregnant and now it was 3 weeks later!! I then looked at my B/C pack which showed I bought it December 23....my last period!! I bought 3 different tests (all in German) and started peeing. Each one had a faint line, but none were obvious....my friends and i just looked at them puzzled. Over the next few day (and 8 tests later) it was clear...I was pregnant! Unfortunately the father and I had just gotten into a big fight and broke up before i left. We have had a very unhealthy relationship in many ways. I emailed him and his response was cold and harsh....simply "I will pay for the abortion". He then attacked me for not seeing a Dr. right away and said he hoped the baby died in my polluted womb! I felt so alone and confused. I decided I would pay the $300 Euro to see a Doctor because I needed to know for sure! I wondered how far I was, would I keep it, how could I raise a child, was it healthy etc.... He did a transvaginal untrasound which showed a small black dot. I was crying and he asked why and I said I wasn't sure if I was going to keep it or not. He stated that he thought I must be @ 3 weeks, but that didn't make sense because by now I had been in Vienna for 2 weeks and not haven't had sex in 4. He said "Well, it looks early, but perhaps it is destroying itself already"....as if to make me feel better over my reaction! It didn't! I had my friends telling me I should have an abortion because I had an asshole as the dad, no job, etc.... I was very confused and I remember thinking "If I miscarry then I wont have to decide." (I WILL REGRET THAT UNTIL THE DAY I DIE) I am Pro-choice, I just don't think I could have done it. Each day I felt more maternal. I have always wanted children and thought this may be a blessing.

The day before I was leaving I started to spot. Light pinkish...not bad cramps. Throughout the day it increased, but still clearish and not dark. That night it turned red...bright red! I called the Dr. who said I could go to the Hospital or just wait. I called my Dr. at home and spoke with a Nurse who said as long as the bleeding wasn't too heavy I could fly. I just wanted to get home so I went to bed and woke up for my early flight. I was having really bad cramps....and awful back pain. I got on the flight and everything got worse! I was in a lot of pain! I was all by myself (my friends stayed longer to continue treatment) on a 10 1/2 hour flight from Vienna to Toronto, then Toronto to Boston. About 3-4 hours into the flight and 4 trips to the bathroom (always filling the pad with blood) I was sitting and had a super bad cramp and felt this thing come out. I went into the bathroom and in my underwear was this red/purplish slug tadpole like thing. I put it on a piece of papertowel. I could handle it and not get blood on me, it was definitely not just a clot. It was about the size of my ring finger if you cut it in half....say 1/2'' by 2.5". I took the wrapper off of one of those mini soaps and put it inside. I was shaking, I was scared, I was in shock. I was still bleeding. I came out and went to a flight attendant crying and told her I believe I am having a miscarriage and think I need a Dr. She was so kind and as some grace from above her friend was traveling with her and happened to be a Dr. She was so kind and they put me next to the Dr. in business class so I could lie down and gave me some herbal medicine that she said was safe, not hurt the baby, but calm me down. I wasn't hysterical loud, but I was just shaking and weeping....it was awful. I remember it like it almost didn't happen to me, but I saw it on TV. I got a wheelchair transfer to my next flight and got home. My ex did pick me up and took me straight to the ER to try and be supportive. I waited 2 hours and it was awful! They took blood and my HCG was 353...the Dr did an abdominal ultrasound, but saw nothing. The Dr. on the plane told me to save what came out of me so I gave it to the Dr. and he and sent me home to finish out my miscarriage at home. My ex left for the weekend to go party and I hadn't really told anyone so I spent the weekend alone, sad, bleeding, miserable, and feeling just awful!

On Monday my HCG was 63, by the following week zero.

I have such feelings of sadness and guilt and stupidity. I mean I was so scared and considering an abortion.....why am I so sad? I feel like I lost my baby, but did I bring this on myself? Isn't it what I even wished for myself? I regret that so much!!! I had been drinking, taking medications.....did I kill my baby? I now believe I was closer to 8-10 weeks pregnant and suffered from a blight ovum. It hurts. I was sad, felt better, but today sucks! I am just really depressed, and don't know what to do.

Thank you for listening and thank you for this website, because it is the first time I have been able to hear what other people REALLY saw, and went through!
 

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Hello,

I found the stories of others extremely helpful, so I am posting mine as well. (It is a bit graphic)

Approximately 8.5 weeks after my LMP, I went in for my first prenatal care appointment. My doctor thought I felt farther along and suggested a dating ultrasound as I am currently breastfeeding a toddler. So, I went for the exam...the tech was extremely quiet, didn't point any of the baby out to us--only mentioned when she was measuring the blood flow to my ovaries, etc. I knew it wouldn't be good news. I got a call from my doctor about 4 hours later--she said that the baby was only measuring 7 weeks (behind what either of us thought) and had no heartbeat. She told me to prepare for a miscarriage, and she felt confident that it would happen within a week. If it didn't, I was to call back and we could talk about our options. At first, I had no idea how to handle it--I took the next day off of work because I couldn't imagine going and sitting and waiting to start bleeding. I would also weep at the drop of a hat--so I didn't want to do that at work. After reading so many stories of mother's who waited to miscarry for many many weeks, I knew that I would have to try to resume life as normal, just always wearing pads and waiting. I was hoping not to bleed (maybe the ultrasound was wrong?) and yet hoping to bleed so that it would be over, if it was inevitable. Every gas pain, I would worry--and I often "felt" myself bleeding but when I would go to the bathroom, there was nothing there--that was incredibly stressful. I felt like my belly was still growing.

After a week and a half, I called my doctor--no cramps, no bleeding, no huge decrease in symptoms. She told me to have my beta hcg drawn to see where we were at--she mentioned that if it seemed high enough to support a healthy pregnancy, maybe we should have another ultrasound. It was still high--I got a message to schedule an ultrasound! Unfortunately, I got the news at 4 pm on a Friday, so I had to wait until the next Monday. I was hopeful, but I tried to be realistic.

Then, on Sunday, brown spotting started. On Tuesday, the bleeding increased and turned red. I went to work anyway, knowing that it might take days. However, by noon, the cramps were feeling early labor like, they would ebb and flow. At their peak, they were taking my breath away, so I drove home. When I got there, I felt a gush when getting out the car. There was huge blood clot on the pad. I chose to save all of the major pieces that came out--I would rinse them off to see if I could find my baby, but I didn't know what to expect. I had read stories of babies shrinking in utero after they died, and it had probably been at least 4 weeks since my precious babe's heart stopped. So, I saved everything in a jelly jar because I didn't want to miss him/her (I know it probably sounds majorly gross, and I can't even come up with good explanation about why it was so important to me...just was...mostly I was really hopeful I would find the babe, as evidence that there was a life inside me!) Everything looked like pieces of liver--bloody clots, but I kept thinking I could make out a fetus in form in some pieces--I had read that some people saw a clear sac with a babe inside, but, as I said, I wasn't sure if that was still intact or not. Lots of cramping and clots for the next 7 hours or so...in that time, my husband and son came home and my husband (mercifully) took him on a walk so I could carry on. At about 7:30, I just knew I had to get to the bathroom...I had the urge to bear down a bit, and out came a mass of tissue just slightly smaller than my fist--it mostly looked like muscle tissue. I saw no obvious baby when I rinsed it off, but I felt much much better after it passed--the cramps felt more like a steady ache and less like labor contractions.

I bled lightly that night and the next day. I felt sore but oddly fine...the dull ache in my uterus was there, but other than that, my main pregnancy symptom (wanting to climb the walls when my toddler nursed) was completely gone...it felt so strange. I probably overdid it that day--went to work, took my son to the park. That night I felt pretty crampy and the next morning I passed some more grayish tissue...this time it was smaller and flatter--maybe placenta? Anyway, here I am the day after that (Friday--my miscarriage happened on Tuesday) and I still feel some pains in my uterus/vaginal area and am still passing some clots but I feel pretty good physically (mostly tired).

The hardest part was that we were waiting until this weekend (Mother's Day) to tell anyone about the pregnancy. So that meant that during this agonizing time of waiting and thru the miscarriage itself, we tried to carry on like everything was normal. I am still happy that we didn't tell (my MIL has been asking for a second grandchild since the day after the first was born and I know this would have crushed her and it would have felt very much like she was disappointed in me.

Emotionally, this has been crazy for me. When I got the news, I felt like I shouldn't be surprised--after all, this is why we didn't tell anyone. I know it's incredibly common. I wasn't prepared for how absolutely devastating it was...and how, even though I know it was nothing I did, I felt disappointed in myself and like I had disappointed my husband. It was stressful to carry on as usual--and I was a wreck for those 2 1/2 weeks. And now I just don't know what to feel. I'm not weepy anymore and almost feel badly about that. I want to feel better, get my period, try for another pregnancy. I want to do a few things that I wasn't doing because I was pregnant (drink beer, run hard, touch up the paint in my living room) and that makes me feel guilty too!

We plan to bury what I collected, but I'm not sure where.

Thanks to all who shared their stories. The hardest part (other than the loss) was not knowing what to expect. I am so sorry that anyone should have to go through this! It has also helped me to share my story. Thanks for this forum.
 

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I wanted to add my experience. After trying for 13 months (and having to wait a few years before that because of health reasons), we got pregnant. I hadn't seen the doctor yet. I had been experiencing the normal early pregnancy symptoms of frequent urination, tender breasts, some nausea, etc. At about 5w6d, I noticed the symptoms letting up and took it as a good sign. Last time I had hyperemesis, and I thought this time I'd get out of it. When I was 6w1d, I woke up with my underwear soaked with blood. We rushed to the hospital because we were scared, and I hadn't see an OB yet.

I had a full range of blood work done, urinalysis, and an ultrasound. The doctor came in to say that they didn't see anything in my womb, and that the beta hcg levels were only 117. She said I might have gotten my conception date wrong, but I knew that I hadn't. I knew that I was miscarrying. They warned me that a miscarriage would just be like a heavy period, and sent me home. I laid in bed all day crying.

The next day, I was really hurting, and I was running a fever of 101*. The hospital said to come back in because of the fever and pain. They ran more blood work and another urinalysis. The pain kept getting worse, and I couldn't get comfortable in any position. I got sent home with painkillers, and was told that I was most likely miscarrying. At this point, the bleeding was very light. I never had any heavy bleeding. Because the bleeding was so light, I was afraid that my body wasn't getting everything out on its own.

I had decided to switch OB's for this pregnancy, and I wasn't scheduled to go in until 8 weeks gestation. I called, and they got me in the next day for a follow-up. The OB confirmed that I was miscarrying, and was very friendly and helpful. She put a lot of my fears to rest. My endometrial lining was pretty thin, and she said to not expect much bleeding until I get a normal period again. My beta hcg level at day four of the miscarriage was only 9. They asked me to take one more test this week just to confirm that the levels are back to normal.

Emotionally, this has been very difficult. My daughter knew, and she has been crushed by this loss. She brought me a blanket last night, and told me that it held all of the baby's memories for her. She was saving it in her room for when the baby visited from heaven. I am mostly okay during the day, but it is hard to sleep and I have been crying at night. It gets a little easier to accept each day. Our doctor said to start trying again as soon as my period came back, and we're working towards that emotionally.
 

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I have another post just a few pages back, but I wanted to add Dove's story to this thread.

Before
In December of 2010, I found I was pregnant with my second baby, after just barely beginning to try with my husband who'd had a vasectomy reversal. We had just discovered my father's cancer was terminal and he likely had less than two years to live. I was overjoyed to be pregnant because I thought he would still be well enough to come visit, and get to meet my baby.
It turned out neither of those things were to be. I lost my baby on February third, at ten weeks four days, and then lost my father exactly one month to the day later. I named my baby Spring, and she's buried in my front yard, right next to my rosebush.
Through April and May, I very slowly started piecing myself back together. I half-heartedly tried to become pregnant in the two cycles after my miscarriage, but decided to start NuvaRing in April. I'd had a negative blood test right before starting my period, and I wanted to wait until I had gotten off of my antidepressants, something I thought might have contributed to my miscarriage, and had some time to grieve for both my father and Spring and this new reality where I wasn't going to seamlessly get pregnant and carry to term like I thought I would, if my husband could just get me pregnant. My sister in law was pregnant and due the same time Spring should have been. Seeing her with a belly as big as mine should have been was beyond unbearable.

I started a new cycle on May 8th, the same day I started my cycle on four years ago when my daughter was conceived. I had a sense of something being off- I felt vaguely pregnant. But just vaguely. I started bleeding when I was supposed to, but it was very very light. I wrote it off as wishful thinking, and didn't test. I spent that Mother's Day trying not to think about how pregnant I should have been.
On May 12th, when I was feeling particularly bad, I noticed a flash of red out of my bedroom. I went to look, and there was a red and white streaked tulip -the one in my icon- right next to her grave. I hadn't planted it last fall, and we hadn't noticed it when we were digging. I felt like it was a gift from her and my father, hoping to draw me out of the house and out of bed and take my daughter out to play again. It helped quite a lot.
The rest of the month I still felt off. My breasts were sore, my sense of smell was off the charts, and I'd had some twingey-cramps that I normally felt in early pregnancy, as your uterus and ligaments stretch to accomodate the baby. Again, wrote it off as wishful thinking. But I still had this nagging feeling that something wasn't right.

Tuesday, June 3rd
I have had many, many dreams of being pregnancy Dozens. Hundreds. Usually, I don't get to the birthing part. Usually, I wake up well before then, usually in the "finding out I'm pregnant" stage. I almost always realize in the dream, that I am dreaming and it's not real. I usually convince myself first that it IS real and then argue with myself for a while and have actually tried to will myself awake several times, stuck in a dream that I know isn't actually happening.
The only times I have given birth and held a baby in those dreams is when I have been pregnant.
The one I had that night, I ran the gamut between finding out I was pregnant, convincing myself it was a dream, then convincing myself it was real, and actually getting to the giving birth part. Again, I was in my mother's house, though this time I was giving birth in her room. This one was detailed, excruciatingly so, right down to her white wrought iron bed and pretty floral sheets, and the turquoise and chocolate polka-dotted sling I wanted. It was a boy. I argued with Mark about naming him Cameron or Luke. I nursed him and wore him and slept with him. I wrapped him close to me and kissed his head. And then suddenly in the dream, I couldn't find him. I screamed and screamed and I looked and looked... And once again, I realized, in the dream, that once again I'd been fooled. It wasn't real. There was no homebirth in Texas, there was no baby boy, there was no polka dot sling.

I was incredibly, unspeakably angry that my baby had been taken from me. I tore myself open, like a Sheela na Gig, and ripped out the ring.

It seemed like it took me forever to wake up.

As soon as I did, I took the ring out. It was Friday, and I was supposed to take it out Sunday, so I figured I would just take it out early, start my period, not be pregnant and it'll all be good, right? Right. I could just leave it out and we could start trying again and it would be okay.

Except I never started bleeding. In all of my years of taking NuvaRing, I had always started two days after I removed it. I waited four days, and then one of my friends convinced me to take a test.

It was positive.
It was starkly, unmistakably positive.

Almost immediately, I told her there was something that sorta looked like a line, and no I was definitely not shitting her, and I screamed for my roommate Kat and told her to look at it and HOW MANY LINES DO YOU SEE? DO YOU SEE A LINE? NOT THE DARK ONE, DO YOU SEE ANOTHER ONE? And she was completely baffled and was all, "Yeah, there's two lines- why, is that bad?" I shrieked, "NO! TWO LINES MEANS PREGNANT!" I immediately called Mark and screamed into the phone MARK! YOU HAVE TO COME HOME! YOU HAVE TO COME HOME RIGHT NOW, I AM PREGNANT! He tried a few times to break into my hysterics to tell me it was okay, to calm down, he was coming home and then he just fell silent and was like, "OKAY THEN! I'M ON MY WAY!" We told each other we loved each other like five times and he made a 45 minutes in about half that time. I positively launched myself at him and hugged and kissed him and showed him the test and we were both giddy. I could barely speak. I called a bunch of my other friends and had a lot of "GUESS WHAT I'M PREGNANT!" conversations and everybody was similarly flabberghasted.

That night, I was cooking soup, tearing fresh herbs into pieces, and trying to just absorb all of this. That I could be pregnant, pregnant and due at the exact time as my daughter. That this happened to me for a reason. How I wish now that I had listened to myself, and tested when I thought I might be pregnant, and been open to that gift. I had been telling myself I needed to wait, I needed to be ready, I needed to get myself together, besides I wanted a summer birth anyway… How little any of that means to me now.

Wednesday, June 8th
I woke up and took another test, just for the hell of it, and it was still positive. I spent the morning poking through my old pregnancy to-do lists and homebirth plans.

Then I started spotting.

I called the midwife on-call, and she told me not to panic, that spotting in pregnancy is normal and that it could have been from having sex. She said to lie down and take it easy and just keep an eye on it, and to call back if I was still spotting in the morning. I started crying and told her I'd had a missed miscarriage in February and I'd never bled or cramped or anything. She stayed on the phone and talked to me a little bit and made me feel better.

I checked my pad every hour and only ever saw tiny bits of blood- streaks, smears, spots, dots. It would come and go and I tried to stay strong. I tried to think about all the things I wanted to do for this baby- telling my mother in person, getting to go to Texas and eat Mexican food, having a homebirth, just stay in there. I took herbal tinctures to try and boost my progesterone and support the lining and embryo. I stayed up all night checking and wiping and making notes of what I saw. I slammed down herbs every half hour. My friend Holly stayed up with me and we talked about baby boy names.

I just spent a lot of time curled up in bed with Mark and Gwen, playing soft Celtic music and just thinking and trying to just be. Just be here, with my husband and daughter who love me and my little tiny baby that's inside me and visualize and actualize and imagine that baby. I made a list of things I wanted to do, things to look forward to, reasons this baby should stay- telling my family in person when I go to Texas, getting to be pregnant in Texas, telling the kids, telling Mark's family, and starting to show and seeing a heartbeat and feeling baby kicks and getting a belly... Just thinking about the things that made me happy. Telling this baby there's good things to be had here. Talking to myself and telling myself and my body that, okay, you made damn sure this kid showed up, you made him a little nest and kicked him out of my ovary for no apparent reason, and so we are gonna suck it up and DO THIS THING. I wanted to be happy I was pregnant. I wanted this baby to know I was happy to be pregnant.

Early Thursday morning, I sat down with my computer and turned on some of my Celtic music, and looked at all of my pictures so I could cry. I'd been too afraid to admit that I thought it was something more than just spotting but I needed to cry. Mark came and sat with me and I finally fell asleep.

Thursday, June 9th
I slept late, and woke up that afternoon to a little more blood but not an alarming amount. One of the other midwives, one I'd actually worked with before, called in an order for a blood test. I left immediately, and my husband came home early to be with me. When I got home, my bleeding had slowed down to hardly nothing, so I took my daughter out to play in our yard.

I just sat outside and threw her ball back and forth. She started playing by herself with her basketball hoop, and I went to sit by Spring's grave. I was just rubbing the stone, and talking to her, and telling her to help my baby stay with me. Gwen came over and heard me talking, and asked, "Baby?" I told her yeah, one of Mama's babies is here. She patted the rock and said, "It's okay, baby." She really loves babies and is really sweet and gentle with them. I took her hands and said, "Mama has a baby inside her, a new baby." She pointed at my tummy and said, "Baby! There it is!" I told her to be happy for the new baby, and she grabbed a dandelion and said, "Happy baby!" and blew it out. So we went all over the yard and made wishes on all the dandelions we could find that the baby would be happy. We went back inside, and I wrote a letter to my baby, and I decided to name the baby Dove, since both of my favorite baby names, Augustus and Clara, were from Lonesome Dove, the book where I got the quote that's tattooed on my leg from. Gus was my dad's favorite cowboy character ever, and who he always said he wanted to be when he grew up.

My husband gave me a blessing, and I tried to keep those good thoughts going. I stayed up all night again, trying to determine if the bleeding was getting better or worse and it was just all over the place. Some times there was only some when I wiped, sometimes it was brown, sometimes it would go through the liner, sometimes it was red, sometimes it was just pink dots. I called the midwives back and they got me an emergency appointment. I slept for two solid hours and didn't see all that much blood since that morning.

Friday, June 10th
When my husband woke me up, I was so tired. I had a terrible feeling of dread and started sobbing. I didn't want to go- it wouldn't change the outcome so why bother? But I went.

The midwife was one I had seen once, with Gwen four years ago. But at least it wasn't anybody brand new. She told me my hCG level had been 5,500, which was too high for being 4 week pregnant, but bang-on for a 5-6 week pregnancy, or indicative of a failing 7-8 week pregnancy. Both of those were equally possible, but I was incredibly heartened by the high numbers, and the fact that my cervix was still closed when she checked me. I hugged and kissed my husband. I told him I was sure that everything would be okay. We went out to celebrate, and he took Gwen for a walk while I updated my LJ with what I thought was glad news.

I drove home with the windows down, enjoying the sunshine, singing to the radio and telling Gwen I would take her to the playground.

I pulled into the driveway, and stood up.

I felt a gush- like when my water broke.

I ran to the bathroom and I had soaked through my pad, and there was blood everywhere, and a clot the size of a quarter.

My heart fell and I couldn't catch my breath. I told Mark and tried to reassure myself that it was just the cervical exam, it had just irritated my cervix and now I was bleeding but it would stop like it had before.

I waited as long as I could, about forty five minutes, before checking again, and I saw only a little bit of blood. But when I got back into bed, I felt another gush, and this time there were more clots. My husband looked to me, and I shook my head and said, "No, it's over."

I went back to change my pad, and I was going through them as fast as I could put them on. I just knelt on the floor, holding pads up to myself, putting the small clots together as they passed. I called the homebirth midwife I had wanted to use with Spring, and she said she would come down but that if I kept bleeding heavily we'd have to go to the hospital.

I got up to look for my altar cloth -I wanted to set something up so I could meditate through this- and I felt another bulge, and there was blood running through my pad and onto my hand and down my legs. I made it back to the bathroom, knelt over a towel, and passed a palmful-sized clot into my hands. I called for Mark, and he opened the door and just put his head on the door and cried. I asked him for a little privacy, so I could clean myself up. Gwen wanted to see me and I told him it was okay. Gwen peeked around, and pointed at what I had in my hands and said, "Baby?"

I told her yes, that was Mommy's baby.

She said, "Baby's gone. I sorry, Mommy." She came over to me, and stroked my hair. I told her that yes, the baby was gone.

She asked if I was sad. I told her, yes, because Mommy didn't want her baby to go away. I started crying and I asked her to maybe leave me alone for a minute. Mark drew me a shallow bath so I could wash off the blood.
I sat back down over my towel and got my pads ready and just prepared to spend most of the night like this. Gwen brought me her favorite stuffed animal, a little dog Brandon got her for her second birthday named Boo. I told her thank you, and she left and came back again, this time holding her Dolly. She handed her to me and said, "I found the baby, Mama!" I held her tightly and told her that was so sweet of her, but that was her baby, and that Mama's baby was already gone.

At the hospital, 7:00 PM
I passed four palm-sized clots at home, so I called Michelle and told her I was going to the ER. At first I tried to find someone to watch Gwen, but she cried and screamed that she didn't want to stay and I couldn't leave her. I couldn't. Not my only baby.

I passed another clot on the way over, and when I got to the ER I was dizzy. I told the clerk what was happening and he took my pulse and I was way tachy. I told him I had bled through six pads in just two hours and I think I had passed another big clot on my way over. He said they would get me a bed as soon as they could. I bled through my pad and they gave me some more, and in the bathroom I passed a huge clot and bled all over the bathroom. I pulled the emergency cord, and two male techs came to help me. I had to waddle with my pants around my ankles and this huge clot in my hand to open the door. I was sobbing and hyperventilating and I begged them to let me wash my hands. One of them held me up so I could wash my hands off, and wrapped the clot up in a paper towel for me. They got me a wheelchair and into a trauma room- my heartrate was 150 and my BP was through the floor and I was gushing and gushing. I have never seen a nurse put in an IV so fast- they got two large-bore IVs started of ringers lactate and drew blood to see if I needed a transfusion. I have two huge bruises on my arms- I have very small veins and I'm so thin to begin with that anything more traumatic than a gentle butterfly draw makes me bruise.

I passed another huge clot and was still bleeding pretty profusely. Mark stood back with Gwen while they worked, and Michelle stood by my head and held my hand while I sobbed and sobbed. I asked over and over for someone to clean the blood up off the floor- it had gotten on mine and tech's shoes. I went through passed another four clots with maybe half a cup or two of blood each time. My heartrate slowed to about 120 but I couldn't sit up without feeling dizzy. Michelle helped collect the clots into the container for testing, and she massaged my uterus to help me contract, and played with my hair for me. I lied my ass off that I was in a lot of pain and they gave me morphine. I wanted it to help me relax since I knew they were going to do at least two pelvics. It worked beautifully.

The truth was I hadn't felt a single cramp the entire time.

The ER resident was amazing. Absolutely amazing. I told him the whole story- my first miscarriage, getting pregnant on NuvaRing, started spotting on Wednesday, had a blood test on Thursday, and then everything today. He told me that their main concern was to make sure it wasn't ectopic, to get my heartrate under 120, and to stop bleeding more than 50cc an hour. I told him I was a rape survivor and to please please find me a female doctor for the pelvic. I knew they had to do a transvaginal ultrasound and I would understand if they had to do it anyway but just to please try. They found one, and she was very sweet. All we saw on the ultrasound was a completely blood-filled uterus and something that might have once been an embryonic sac. My tubes were clear, so they declared it an intrauterine pregnancy. Michelle was great and held my hand, and told me what they were doing, and kept me focused. If it weren't for her and the morphine I probably would have had a panic attack and kicked their faces in.

The nurse I had was hilariously morbid with me- I get like that in these kind of situations. They were trying to staunch the bleeding enough to get a clear of my cervix to see if I'd lacerated anything, and the doctor said, "I'm just using some tissue here, well okay, gauze really…" and the nurse goes, "Don't worry, it's all stuffing anyway." I laughed and told her that was horrible and we all laughed.

Around ten PM, I felt better and hadn't been bleeding much, and I had to pee, so we decided to see if I could sit and stand and walk to the bathroom. I made it there okay, and passed another small clot, but on my way back I got really dizzy. When I got back to my room I started to fall, and Michelle caught me and helped me back in bed. My heartrate went down to 63 and everything sounded and looked fuzzy. Michelle put me in the rescue position and I stabilized a little bit. They started some more fluids, another bag in each arm, but I couldn't stand for more than 45 seconds and everytime I sat up my pulse went to about 140. I lied down and stayed there, and swiped some of Gwen's apple juice to get me some sugar. Me and Michelle joked it's just like labor- they don't let you eat or drink anything and then look surprised when you're dehydrated and weak.

I got past that little bit, and started feel better and was able to sit up. Mark started to fade on us, and we thought he was just tired, so we got him some sugar and crackers.

And then he passed out. He has blood phobia -he passed out at his first wife's c-section- and I think he'd been mildly asthmatic all evening and just went hypoxic on us. They took him to his own room -when my nurse passed him on a gurney in the hallway she just looked at him and said, "Decided to join us did you??" Michelle went back and forth between the two of us, giving us updates on the other, and taking care of Gwen for me.

Gwen was so brave the entire time. She was quiet and patient and cooperative the whole time. No one gave me any flack for nursing her, even though they'd given me morphine, though the ER resident was all flustered when he walked in on me nursing. I was like, dude, you've had your hands up my junk looking at my bleeding vag, I think we're past it. I told the OB resident who did my second pelvic that I'd actually nursed through an IUD insertion, so don't even worry about it. She was very gentle with all my IVs and everything. We just told her they were to put water inside Mommy.
Now I wish I had listened to myself and let her see my dad in the hospital. Little kids aren't scared of stuff like that- you just tell them it's there to help you feel better and they're like, okay whatever. But everyone else said no, it wouldn't be good for her.

I kept improving and they got Mark up on his feet, so they let us go home around three AM. Michelle came with us, and she helped me into bed and put my pads on to soak, and collected all the clots I'd passed at home. She cleaned up the bathroom and took out the trash, gave me a hug, and went home. I took two Vicodin and a shot of bourbon. When we got into bed, Gwen said again, "Baby's gone. Baby went away." I said yes, yes he did. She asked if I was hurt and I said a little bit, but not like before, and that Mommy didn't have so much blood inside her now. She said good and gave me a hug, and told me, "Baby with Grandpa. Baby went home." We all fell asleep around four or five.

Saturday, June 11th
I woke up and felt mostly okay. I posted a few different places and talked to everyone, let them know I was back home and okay. I called the midwife on call, who was the first midwife I saw with Gwen and the one who had ordered the first blood test, to let her know I had miscarried. She told me she was so sorry that it had happened and that they would take care of me on Monday.

I gathered up all the clots I had lost at home, and wrapped them in one of the purple napkins I had bought for my dad's funereal display (what I wrapped the Heart of Texas and my necklace in that were buried with him) and annointed it with the same oils I had used for Spring. Mark dug a grave on the other side of the rosebush, and we saw some new tulip bulbs. I re-planted them right over the grave. I got one of the granite rocks from our pile, that looked kind of like half a heart.

I had asked Gwen before if she wanted to help Mommy and Daddy bury the baby, like we had buried Spring and Grandpa, and she said no. But she changed her mind and came out right when we were finishing up. She sat next to me and patted the rock, and said, "Bye baby. Baby go live with Grandpa." And then she pointed off across the yard and said, "Baby! Baby so cute!" Me and Mark held each other and cried and she came over and hugged us and kept trying to show us the baby.

We went back inside, and I was having some heavier bleeding, like it was when it first started. I started bleeding quite a lot and passing some smaller clots. I knelt on the floor again, like I had before, trying to do the best I could to keep up with pads and towels and baby wipes. My friend Tristyn came to sit with me and check my bleeding and heartrate and make sure I didn't need to go to the hospital. My cervix was much firmer, and I passed a couple more good-sized clots but didn't bleed much more. I sent Mark out for some supplies, and by the time he got home I was doing better, so Tristyn left with firm instructions for me to stay in bed, and keep taking blue cohosh to control the bleeding and nettle for vitamin K.

I had a little OCD at that point. I wanted to clean my room some- it was a mess since we'd been sick for a week before I found out I was pregnant, then I wasn't able to do anything for three days because of the spotting, and my husband was worried about me and trying to keep up with our three year old, so there was kleenex and half-empty juice cups and dirty clothes everywhere. I felt dizzy and faint and nauseated, and I was just tired and hormonal and pissed off. I took some Klonopin myself and called one of my best friends, who talked me down and assured me that no, I was not crazy, and yes, I needed a lot of support, and it didn't matter if my room really needed to be clean or not, women in labor (which I essentially was at that point) get to say whatever they want. When she was having her homebirth she completely lost it on her husband saying he had to clean the fucking fish tank before the baby was born. So, you know, if I just want some basic sanitary conditions to sleep in so I'm not lying there twitching about the towels that need to be folded, that's perfectly fine. I'd held my dead baby in my hands that night.
I finally fell asleep by myself around five in the morning.

Sunday, June 12th
I woke up around two in excruciating pain, probably from how badly I'd overdone it the night before. I took a hot bath and some Vicodin and lobelia to try and soothe the afterpains, did a lot of counter-pressure and uterine massage. After about an hour and a couple pots of boiling water in my bath, I felt good enough to get back into bed, but I still felt very weak.
I started losing blood and clots again, so I set back up on the bathroom floor and had my husband take my daughter to his parents'. My friend Kat sat with me and I passed another three or four big clots. I fell asleep just after Mark got back and slept until three that morning.

Monday, June 13th
I fell back asleep around 7AM, then woke up at 11 for my appointment with my midwife. It took me forever to get in to be seen, but she agreed with me that it was probably an 8 week pregnancy and if we had to guess, I lost about 3 pints on Friday and another one - one and a half since then. So about 35% of my blood volume. We talked supplements and agreed that I should wait for two after this one to try to conceive again, since I had lost so much blood.

I came home and felt a terrible combination of panicky and pissed off and weak and dizzy and nauseated and still pregnant. I snapped and yelled and bitched about everything and then would turn around and break down crying. I finally managed to eat something, and decided to do something about the bucket of bloody pads sitting on my washer.
I brought them and another bucket into the bathroom, and ran some clean cold water. I wringed out the pads and I have never, ever seen the water so dark, even after my last miscarriage. I rinsed them by hand over and over and the water was still running red. I poured the water over the graves and my rosebush. It's finally starting to bud. I cried silently as I did, carrying bucket after bucket of bloody water back and forth. After the fourth one, I put the pads in the washer to soak. Even after all that, they still turned an entire 25 gallon drum red.

I got some fertility books on Amazon, and found a little statue of an angel holding a dove. I bought some new pads, to replace the one that got left at the hospital and the ones that I would know I had been wearing when I started to spot and when I knew I was losing the pregnancy.

When I measured out my tinctures, I pictured giving each tiny drop to my baby. Now when I do, I think of all the women who have taken them for this reason, who passed on what they were for, and knew this kind of loss.

I'm not sorry that I tested, or even that I got what I thought was good news today. I had an absolutely OMGYAY day on Tuesday and spent some time that I KNOW was with my baby on Wednesday and Thursday and even Friday, and I had some happiness out of this. If I had just thought I was having a normal birth-control withdrawl-bleed period for two days and then had this massive hemorrhaging, without EVER having gotten to know I was pregnant or made those wishes on dandelions, that would have been so much worse. I wouldn't ever have gotten to be happy for my baby. I think our intent, our desire, our love for our children is what gives them souls. Once we know of them and want them and dream of holding them not just in our hearts, that is when they are alive and only when we know that they are gone are they not.

So now my Daddy has two babies to keep him occupied.

Letter to
My Dove,
I love you. I love you for coming to me. Have you passed the Veil yet? Are you here with me? My own precious baby… do you know you're mine? Do you know if you'll leave me yet? Stay with me. So I can tell your grandmothers and grandfathers about you. Your aunts and uncles and brothers and sisters. So you can kick and grow and hear and taste and see and feel. So you can bounce on my bladder and headbutt my cervix and be a pain just like your sister did. So you can be be born and I can hold you and feel you and sleep with you. Stay so I can be with you. Please. Stay.

I can tell your grandma and she'll be so thrilled. I can take you to see your grandfather and take you to the river and I can see my dog and she'll know you're with me. I can take you places, show you things. I will always love you. My beautiful baby, my Dove, I WANT you to stay. I want to have a bump and get morning sickness and feel you kick and dance and tumble. I want to get so impossibly huge that it hurts. I want into the temple fount with you. I want my daughter to feel you kick the same she did, for her to see and know where she came from. I want you to meet her, all of them, I want you know your daddy loves you just like I do. I want you to know about wood piles and baby kittens and pony rides and doggies and balls and swings and I know it isn't heaven but it will be close enough for me if you'll just stay. Please stay. I love you. I want you, in all your prickly contrary wishy-washy Aquarianess. Boy or girl, my Clara or my Gus, you are my Dove, my baby that brought me hope again and let me know it's still out there. So stay with me, my hope, my love, my Dove. Stay with Mommy. I can make it better, I swear I can. I will. I promise. I love you. My body- my baby- be at peace. Hold this baby tight. We can do this again. We can grow him and feed him and bear him and give him birth. Hold on. It will be all right. You hold him. Keep him safe. Our Dove, safe in his nest. You built it for him and made him grow and made sure he found his way to me- now please keep him here. Keep him in. Keep him safe. My baby Dove. Stay with me. Be amazing with me.
 

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well, i was pregnant with 3 at one time,when i lost the first baby,i felt a gush coming from my vag area,went to the bathroom and it looked like i had started my period,but worse bleeding.

went to the er,and they told me that it was probably a mis carriage,but my other two twins were fine,but that didn't mean the other babies would survive also.let's see i made it to 26 wks,and had a baby boy ,and baby girl. my baby boy ended up passing away because of complications of the hospital.a mis carriage is very different,than having your babies/baby and seeing the baby and having to make difficult decisions....
 

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i've always been really in touch with my body, yoga and tai chi and meditation and all that, but for some reason my body is clueless as to when it becomes pregnant. i spot lightly each month like a normal period and i don't feel any different until around 8 or 9 weeks! i didn't know i was pregnant for the first time with my ex-husband until i started throwing up so hard i couldn't control my bladder. we thought i had a really horrible flu, i got super dehydrated and went to the ER. they did a urine test but it was negative, finally a savvy nurse thought to do a HCG quantitative and surprise! i was 10-11weeks pregnant. so happy!

1st natural miscarriage

that pregnancy was my first "natural miscarriage after 12 weeks." it started at 13 weeks. we'd moved up our wedding date from May 1st to Valentine's Day. i started spotting brown and red before the wedding, then the cramps/contractions started. i was starting to miscarry during my own wedding ceremony, it was so damn hard to keep it together emotionally! it turned out it was a blighted ovum. i have good luck finding good medical professionals *knock wood!* because no one said "at least it wasn't a baby," etc. the ultrasound tech was kind and explained and pointed out everything to both of us. i hadn't heard the term "natural miscarriage" until i read it here, i didn't even know it was an option! i told my OB i wanted to try it natural, no D&C and luckily she was all for it. she gave me a list to take home of "signs" to watch out for if things go wrong. i drank a LOT, i was so thirsty constantly, and cramps started getting worse, and i had severe back pain.

the cramps were much heavier than i'd ever felt, and there was sort of a rhythm to them, and i felt like i was on a roller coaster with big hills and i couldn't get off the ride. (looking back after the birth of my daughter, i know now i was having "surges" or contractions.) i started off bleeding pale red and brown, then i was bleeding bright red with small clots and stringy stuff. it didn't seem too heavy. it was more that the bleeding would almost stop when i was lying down and when i stood up it'd gush like crazy. i felt totally gross lying or sitting with wet pads, so i skipped them and sat and rocked on the toilet for a long time, i'd meditate, pray or read. i passed a few really large pieces (that part felt really weird, slippery but not painful) it looked like nothing i'd ever seen before. i didn't know how many pads i would have gone through per hour but it felt way more natural on the toilet, and also i took long, hot showers. i remember freaking out, what if the u/s was wrong, what if there is a baby? what will it feel like when it passes? do i want to see it? in the shower i sang that song that goes, "spirit of the rain, wash away the pain" to stay calm.

the entire miscarriage took about 3 weeks (wish i still had the journal from then). it was really only "active" feeling in the evening and night. that's when it got very painful, much heavier flow, more clots. i'd get a few deep breaths in and i'd cramp up again so tightly. one night i felt a sharp pain, i'm sure it was just my imagination but it felt like a "ripping" pain inside me. my temp. had gone up to 102, so i went to the ER. they put me in a labor room, the kind they reserve for both births and losses. i swear i could feel the "baby energy" in that room as well as the "loss" feelings. i asked for pain meds, got some, then i sat up and colored mandalas to keep my mind off of that room. when i felt the ripping feeling again, i let them know. a nurse used a hemostat to pull some tissue, she said it was stuck in my cervix, she was really nice, coaching me to breathe and push, my ex was holding me and stroking my hair. i got cleaned up and they laid the bed flat, then left us totally alone to cry for a while. i had light bleeding for about 2 weeks after that, but no more painful cramping and my temp stayed normal. looking back, i think i would have been much more freaked out if i'd known that a baby was going to pass out of me.

the next year i got pregnant with my daughter, i didn't know until 11 weeks (geez, body, get a clue!) and i felt scared until about 18 weeks, but did everything i could to stay relaxed. everything went fine, i had a natural labor but needed to go to the hospital for an emergency-C because my daughter was "yo-yo-ing" on a short cord wrapped twice around her neck. it's sad that i didn't get the birth i hoped for, but it was good i had 2 doulas present and MDC mamas online who understood even though i had a beautiful, healthy baby i still needed to grieve the loss of a natural birth. when i breathed and rocked through the surges, i realized how much that miscarriage felt like a smaller, less intense labor.

2nd natural miscarriage

this time is my second natural miscarriage after 12 weeks. at least i knew the date of conception exactly. i waited to tell anyone until a few days before 12 weeks (now of course i wish i hadn't told anyone), since i'm 44 and my circumstances are just wrong for having a baby - i conceived this child just 6 days before my ex-boyfriend left me and my daughter via email (yeah, he's an asshole). i didn't know i was pregnant until i was at 9 weeks, i'd had pneumonia for 2 weeks and then i thought it was the flu going around, but my daughter just knew. (she also knew when i started to miscarry, before i did!)

a few days before 12 weeks i felt safe to break the news, i'd felt bad for not enjoying this pregnancy out loud. joined a DDC, got super happy. but i kept stressing to those closest to me that this is a "maybe baby" because i'm just plain OLD and i have disabling health issues. my daughter really seemed to understand the concept that sometimes women have "maybe babies" and "angel babies" and it's all natural. i felt, and still feel, guilty as hell for not being in touch with this baby like i was with my daughter, though! because i saw a baby on the u/s, it measured small (10 weeks), was hard to see if it was moving and they couldn't find the heartbeat, but i've got belly fat so they said that's not unusual. i was going to have another u/s at 18 weeks unless anything came up. i was thrilled to be at a hospital that has more midwives than OBs, and offered birthing tubs!

the pregnancy hormones that made me feel awful also put my fibromyalgia pain and stiffness into remission, around 8-9 weeks, just like my last pregnancy. i got out my daughter's baby book and pictures and all that, finally worked on a scrapbook for her, it's been so awesome to share the memories with her now that she's old enough to understand! being pregnant really brought those days back into sharp focus. my girl loves hearing all about her babyhood. i was just totally blissed out on the happy hormones. since life has been hectic since my ex dumped me, i'd been doing everything "one day at a time," and then even "one hour at a time" if i started to feel anxious. i honestly couldn't see the future with this pregnancy, not at all, i tried so hard. it felt weird that i couldn't "connect" with this baby like i did with my daughter - she and i were deeply connected at 11.5 weeks - but i did get a very strong intuition of "boy" this time around. (my daughter's name would have been Phoenix were she a boy, so i named the baby Phoenix).

i started miscarrying at 12 weeks 2 days. i just knew was a m/c it this time, even though i'd been spotting light pink which wasn't unusual for me up until 18 weeks. it felt horrible to meet my midwife once, get the u/s, then just 2 days later call her for miscarriage advice. because i started spotting brown, then red with stringy brownish stuff. she said that since the baby had measured small compared to my conception date, it was likely that it passed even before the u/s. i told her i'd had a natural miscarriage before my daughter was born and wished to do that again, we went over all the signs and symptoms of when/if i need to come in, she has been so supportive of me doing this natural at home. she cautioned me that if the baby died a few weeks ago, i could expect "pieces" rather than a little body, i'm glad she told me so i could make decisions for my emotional health. i told one of my friends i was choosing natural and he didn't even realize there was any other way, bless him, so he's been one of my supports during this.

this has been much, much, much harder than my previous miscarriage. i am so tired of the word "miscarriage" let alone "spontaneous abortion." too clinical and cold. this has been simply "the end of my pregnancy." i have been giving birth, it's just a very early birth where the baby can't survive outside me, but Phoenix has been with me long enough to already be a huge influence on me and my daughter. i believe everything happens for a reason. without surgery, my hormones are ramping down slowly and naturally, even now i'm still enjoying some fibromyalgia pain remission and some pregnancy bliss. i've also been trying to count my blessings, one is that i got to experience a vaginal birth with this baby, but it took 2 days for that to sink in emotionally.

(edited to add:) right now i just feel so lucky that my body works normally, and that i've learned to trust my own body and instincts. i hope to pass that attitude on to my daughter.it's hard sometimes not to feel judgmental when i see women running to doctors and electing to have surgical procedures for things that are totally natural (unless they're need emergency care) but i have to respect every woman's choices. i remember with my daughter's birth, we were at a teaching hospital and they asked if interns and nursing students could come in and observe and ask questions, my nurse explained "none of them have ever seen a natural birth" and i was like, "wha..?! yeah, let 'em in!" (though i would have kicked them out when i went into transition for real, that's just too intimate a time) why is our reproductive health so veiled in mystery?

positive things being said ... this has been awful to go through alone. i mean AWFUL. :( i feel so guilty for feeling "relieved" i'm not having a baby at my age, with my health, and with the ex as the father :(

i couldn't do what i did with my first natural miscarriage, i couldn't live in the bathroom or get noisy. i hid as much of the messy/loud physical stuff as i can from my daughter. she's old enough to know what a moon-time is, what a pad is, why i bleed monthly and how she will too someday. she's not hung up about it at all. since the miscarriage started, she cried really hard with me one night, yelled "it's not fair! i want a baby brother!" and cried herself to sleep in my arms, next morning she's going around talking to her "angel-baby Phoenix." my intuition told me not to disrupt her view of the experience.

during the extreme bleeding, clots and pieces, i bit into a towel and tried not to yell loudly and to keep my voice toned down low, growling. (it helps me to not tighten up with the pain, i get high-pitched and the pain gets bad.) i used my doula's techniques, like saying "ragdoll" every time i've tensed up, and going limp all over. i stayed in bed, kept moving pillows and myself around, did yoga like cat/dog and just rocked back and forth a lot with low moaning. pads still felt horrible up against me, i felt a huge need to bleed freely. but my daughter needed the bathroom a few times, i didn't want her to see that much blood and clots and be scared. i found a big old beach towel i keep for hair-coloring to kneel over. luckily this labor followed the same pattern as last time, slowing down when i lay down, and the heaviest stuff being at night, except for a few strong surges during the day with gushes of blood.

i was absolutely terrified to pass the baby in an in-tact sac, i don't know why though. i didn't know if i'd freak out and scream with grief, what if my daughter needs the bathroom at that moment, will i have the courage to fish through the blood (never thought of putting a colander in the toilet), a zillion worries zipping through my head and i noticed the pain was getting worse and worse, literally said "STOP!" to myself and got back to the business of birthing this baby. i flushed whenever the toilet seemed full of blood and just kept focused on not waking my daughter.

i'm 99% sure last night was the active labor and birth, because i felt waves of relief washing over me after passing a lot of small clots and then the last of three large pieces. (can't call it a "clot" but don't want to say "possible body part") after that, i got weirdly giggly and an endorphin rush. very lucky my girl didn't need to use the bathroom during those hours! i felt this big urge to push, bear down hard, i could feel the contractions helping but a "stuck" feeling also right before a big clot would pass. with each clot passing i felt that weird slippery feeling as with my last miscarriage, except 10 times more intense, i can't really describe it. perhaps it's just part of how vaginal birth feels? i started looking at everything at one point, it was mostly liver-ish-looking with some red, brown and some pale purple-ish tissue, but i chose not to look so closely as to see a hand or foot since i realized this birth was broken up and not whole. then i gave up looking. it was hard to accept, but my body chose this way to birth this baby so i have to believe there's a reason for it. a friend came over and kept me company for about 4 hours, rubbed my back and pressed on it when i asked. after the 3rd large piece, i had a steady bright red flow and my back stopped hurting, but my hip joints felt sore, i laid down and my flow stayed heavy but it didn't feel like it was soaking through a whole pad quickly. my friend said i zonked out asleep in mid-sentence! i actually slept 6 full hours (extremely rare for me, aches and pains keep me up) and woke up refreshed! but with a pad overflowing, bleah. even now i still have some adrenaline and endorphins running, i felt like pacing and cleaning a lot today, took 2 short walks.

today i have a medium red flow with the brownish stringy stuff, no real clots, but with no cramps. i felt a wave of sadness, those waves of pain meant i was still pregnant. same flow tonight, no cramps. my breasts are still huge and tender, they bothered me a LOT today, reminded me of breastfeeding my daughter, and i keep crying. now i wish the entire baby had been born at once, i read other women's stories about how perfect and tiny they are and it seems it'd be easier to bury, grieve, mourn and move on. then again who knows? i didn't save anything, i just kept feeling i need to concentrate on my daughter and how she's not so upset about the miscarriage, but she might be if she caught me all bloody or if i went to bury something - my gut told me that would not be a healing thing for her. gotta follow my gut with my amazing girl. i checked in with my midwife today and we agreed all seems well, my temp was at 100 last night but normal again this morning. she said put my feet up, keep hydrated, rest, keep taking my iron supplements. i can't be 100% sure it's all over, i mean there could be small parts of tissue inside, but i feel like it's over. maybe all that pushing helped? i guess i'll bleed like a period for a week or two, like last time.

i feel blessed i got to experience a vaginal birth no matter how much it sucks to be empty with no baby in my arms. i feel guilty i didn't want to view the baby. i feel stifled that i had to keep so quiet and keep going back and forth from bed to bathroom. i feel empty but somehow okay inside. i feel totally sad and wish i could have a primal scream of upset-ness. i feel blessed at re-connecting with my daughter's pregnancy and birth and being able to share it with her, we both needed that beauty. i refuse to feel like i did anything wrong or strange or weird by choosing to do this at home.

(edited to add:) at this point, my flow is identical to the lochia i experienced after the birth of my daughter. i feel far more fatigue and aches and pains than before, so i know the beneficial hormones are leaving. crap. i'm still having the baby dreams. i'll go in for one hcg quantitative, probably a week from Monday, unless my temp. goes back up or i have some other unpredictable sign of infection. i am just SO damn happy to avoid clinical instruments, cold lights and putting my feet up in stirrups!
 

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My Pregnancy Loss

**very detailed, very graphic, very long.

This pregnancy was unexpected, but not unwanted. My husband had reservations, but those were easing by my 6th week. I had an EDD of February 26, 2012. I was looking forward to a possible Leap Day baby. I was waiting for my first midwife appointment, scheduled for July 21st.

I didn't have many symptoms with this pregnancy, just exhaustion, hunger, thirst, and sore nipples when my DD nursed. The (almost) lack of symptoms didn't really worry me, because my 1st pregnancy was similar. I lucked out in the morning-sickness area.

Looking back, the few symptoms I did have this time around abated at some point in the beginning of my 6th week. I didn't really notice at the time.

On Wednesday, July 6, I had strange perineum pain, like a shooting pain that intensified when I changed positions or got up from a seated position. It reminded me of my labour with my first child and I was worried. I also had cramps first thing in the morning, which I attributed to the very loose stools I experienced shortly afterward. The perineum pain had disappeared by Thursday morning.

Thursday evening, I was surfing for baby carriers and thru Kijiji (like Craigslist in the US) had found a woman nearby who makes them. She was selling wraps for $15 each (which is a GREAT price) and sent her off an email. I had to pee, so I got up to go into the bathroom….and saw bright pink blood on the toilet paper, and a dime-sized spot of red on my underwear. I was SHOCKED.

I had zero bleeding with my first pregnancy, so I was immediately very scared. But it was late, close to midnight, and I didn't want to "bother" my midwife at that point. So I tried to relax, and went to bed.
The next morning, the TP was free of blood the first time I peed, so I relaxed. But an hour later when I went in again, there it was - and stronger than before. I paged the on-call midwife. She told me it could be anything, and since I didn't have cramps (I mentioned the perineum pain and cramps from Wednesday but she didn't seem concerned) she wasn't able to offer a definitive answer. She said I could go to an Urgent Care Clinic, make an appointment for the Early Pregnancy Assessment Unit (EPAU) for the following week, or wait and see what happens. I said I'd wait and see.

I bled all day. Like a light- to medium-flow period. It's hard to judge exactly how much blood I lost, because I use cloth pads with dark surface fabric, but there was a large amount each time I wiped, and drops fell into the toilet as I would pee. I was getting more and more worried, and I found the "Exactly what to expect with a m/c" thread on MDC. I started reading and was very sad and cried off and on all day Friday.

Friday night, I decided I wanted to know if the pregnancy was viable, if the baby was dead…I wanted to KNOW. So I decided to go to the Emergency Room. At that point, the Urgent Care Clinic (which would have been more appropriate and I would have gotten better service) was closed. I had to wait until after my husband came home from work to stay with our daughter. I ate dinner first, because I knew I'd be there for a while. My husband and daughter (and dog) dropped me off at the ER and my friend would bring me home. They drove off. My daughter had asked all the way there why I was going, when I was going to be home, and if they were going to cut me up. I have no idea where she got that. She's three and very intuitive. I understand now she was very upset at leaving me there.

I walked in between 1900 and 1930 hrs, and my heart sank to see that every seat was filled. It's a big hospital, in a large city (350 thou plus) and the wait board said "6 hour wait for non-urgent cases." I waited until 2000 hrs triaged, got registered, and the triage nurse drew 3 vials of blood. I went out to the waiting room and my friend showed up about half an hour later. Around 2100 hrs, another friend of mine (a doula) showed up and offered me a shot of whiskey to help relax me and hopefully stop the (undetectable to me) contractions that were making me bleed. She said one shot wouldn't hurt a viable baby, and if some other reason/irritation was causing the bleeding, it might save the pregnancy. I figured, at that point, that I would try anything, and it wasn't going to hurt. I went back into the ER to wait.

At midnight, I decided to go home. At 2200 hrs, they had changed the sign to read "8-hr wait," I had been there for 5 hours, and figured a good night's sleep would be better for me than waiting even longer just to hear my beta hcg level. They had already said they wouldn't do an ultrasound because there wasn't a tech on duty. So I had basically wasted my entire night. My friend drove me home.

I ended up falling asleep around 0200 hrs.

Saturday, July 9, the bleeding was even heavier. More like a medium period. I called the on-call midwife around noon and was on the phone with her when my husband got home from work (he works half days on Saturdays and Mondays). She didn't seem optimistic, given the rate of flow. I had also seen some small clots, similar in size to those I saw during a regular period - about ½ cm across and smaller. She told me how much blood is "too much" (soaking a pad front to back and side to side within 20 minutes, 2 in a row) and said to expect a heavy period with cramps/labour pains. I wasn't overly worried, just hoped it would be over soon.

My husband had been invited to a friend's campground for Kids Day - he was asked to do an RC helicopter demo for the kids. There would be swimming, kite building/flying, and a BBQ. We had all planned on going, but I couldn't bear to be out somewhere and end up having to deliver my baby in some latrine, so I asked him to take her and go. The dog and I stayed home.

I slept from about 1500 hrs to 1800 hrs. I got up and re-heated previous night's dinner (Indian - yum) and took it outside to eat and read the "Exactly what to expect" thread. I was feeling mild cramps at that point. I think I had felt some previously, but nothing severe. Ones that are indistinguishable from poop cramps, if you know what I mean. (I had been suffering from intermittent constipation, so that's nothing new).

I knew at that point that I should expect to lose the baby for sure. Before I got cramps, I could pretend it was possibly something else happening, but once I felt cramps, I knew.

My neighbour came out (she's awesome) and I talked to her for a bit. My husband and daughter got home around 2000 hrs and my husband carried my DD inside (she was sleeping) and up to bed. I gathered my stuff and followed them in.

I had to go to the grocery store, so I left. I could feel some heavier bleeding when I stood up from the car, but nothing terrible. I was a little afraid that I'd suddenly have a big bleed, like some women described, so I hurried. I went to the beer store, too - I had originally planned to get wine (there's a wine store right in the grocery store) but I arrived too late (2110 hrs) and it had closed. So I had to drive about 4 km to the closest beer store that would still be open. Basically, the idea was that, if I was going to miscarry, I wanted to be able to numb myself. But I wouldn't drink it until/unless I had an actual event that caused me to believe I had lost the baby for good. When I stood up out of the car, I felt a small gush of blood, and thought, "Please God, not here," and went inside. Of course there was a long line. I made it through and drove home.

I got home close to 2200 hrs and put away the groceries, then sat on the couch for a minute with my daughter, who had woken up while I was gone. She wanted to nurse. I felt like I had to pee, so I went into the bathroom. While in there, I felt the need to push and out plopped a big clot. I called my husband to get a pyrex bowl, a colander, and a slotted spoon. I scooped the clot out of the toilet and looked at it - but it was just a clot. I flushed it.

Shortly after that (just before 2230 hrs), I felt stronger cramps - but nothing painful. More like period cramps. I knew it was my body trying to get something out, so I went into the bathroom. I had read of a woman using a menstrual pad to catch what came out when she pushed, so I used toilet paper. I put it against me and pushed just a little - there was no pain - and out came a piece of tissue about two inches by three inches. It was irregular shaped and coloured like liver. It was smooth on one side and grainy on the other. It was thicker in spots, especially against one edge. It was fairly thin - only a couple millimeters. It was the placenta. There were some egg-whiteish areas that I think were the sac. I didn't see a baby. At that point, I would have been 6w7d.

I was very calm. I put the placenta into the pyrex bowl and called in my husband. We both looked at it. I should say here that I never experienced the "rush" of blood following delivery of clots or placenta like some women. I think that it's because I had bled so heavily for the 2 days previous that there just wasn't as much to come out.

My daughter saw it too, but I didn't want her to be scared. We didn't really tell her much. I had said over the previous two days that "Mama and the baby are sick" so she would let me rest, but nothing aside from that.
I didn't shed any tears. Not then.

I called my doula friend and she said to keep the placenta in case the midwife wanted to see it.
I paged the midwife again (same one I had talked to earlier that day) and told her what had happened. I was very matter-of-fact and unemotional. I think she was surprised at my lack of emotion, but she was very professional. She said she didn't need to see the placenta, and suggested I do a follow-up with the EPAU and said she'd get a referral going for me. They'd check for remaining tissue, confirm there wasn't a viable pregnancy still in there, and take blood to make sure my hcg was dropping from Friday.

I went out into the kitchen and got a beer. I carried it into the living room, and DD said,
"There's no baby in your belly anymore?" I was stunned. How did she know? But then I remembered that I had told her that I couldn't drink beer because I had a baby in my belly. That was 2 months earlier, almost - and here I was, holding a beer. She had made the connection. Amazing. Like I said, she's my intuitive girl.

I got a little drunk - I drank every single one of those 6 beers and read more loss stories on the MDC forum. Then I realized I was hungry and cooked two sausages. Just after they were done cooking, my husband stumbled out to go to the bathroom and I had a bit of a crying spell in his arms, then I was fine. He went back to bed.

About an hour or so later, I went to bed. As I lay there, it hit me - my baby was gone, dammit! My sobs and wails woke up my husband, but not our daughter (who co-sleeps). I crawled around the bed and wrapped myself in his arms, and just sobbed. I got too hot and went back to my side of the bed (DD sleeps in the middle because I get too hot when I'm sandwiched). I continued to sob and wail for quite a while. I don't know how long. Finally I stopped and went to sleep.

I've not cried since.

Sunday I bled just as heavily (a medium flow) with occasional small clots. Nothing baby-like, so either it already came out in a clot, was inside the placenta, was decomposed enough that it was indistinguishable, or there never was one in the first place (blighted ovum). We'll never know.

I called the midwives around 1000 hrs this morning (Monday) since they hadn't called me with the referral info and the admin gave me the # for the unit. I called and made the appointment for Wed afternoon. The admin told me my hcg levels from Friday night - 687. Way too low for being 6w6d. So it had ended at some point before Friday.

We had a chiropractor appointment today. We go every two weeks, and talking to my chiro's wife really helped (she works as business manager). She's very practical, like me, and says I don't really need to go to the follow-up appointment, since they'd just prescribe Misoprostal if there happens to be any remaining tissue. I have no intentions of taking it, so why bother?? I might go, I'm worried about a possible haemorrhage caused by retained clots (happened after my daughter's birth) preventing the uterus from shrinking back down to normal size. I might see about an herbal treatment to help, if I decide not to attend the ultrasound appointment.

I continue bleeding like a medium-flow period, with occasional large-ish (cherry sized) clots plopping out into the toilet.

The thing that shocks me the most, aside from the complete lack of physical pain, is the almost complete lack of emotional pain. I don't know if I'm numb, in denial, or what. Is this one of the early stages of grief? Will I be paralyzed with grief in a couple days? I don't know. All I know is, I don't feel what I expected to feel. Does that make me a terrible person?

I'm sad that I'll never know if the little one was a boy or girl (I feel it was a boy, but people have been wrong before). I'm sad that I'll never meet him or her, and all of the potential that has been lost - an entire lifetime of memories.

But I'm ok.
 

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(((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))) Thank you for sharing your story. Women experience all sorts of emotions after a loss. Some women feel like they never stop grieving and some feel like they aren't sad enough. It doesn't make you a terrible person. I have experienced different levels of grief with all of my losses and to be honest, my first one did not bother me emotionally. It was a blighted ovum so I never felt or saw a baby and I just did not connect to the pregnancy. I would not expect crippling grief to come but I would not be surprised by it either, we all react differently <3 I'm so sorry for your loss
 

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KristaDJ - Thank you. I never felt as connected emotionally with this one, either - compared to with my daughter, where I felt connected even before I confirmed I was pregnant. Not seeing a baby's heart beating on an u/s or hearing it through the fetoscope makes it a little less-real, too. Easier.

I've read about your losses. I'm so sorry.
 

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I miscarried a couple days ago, I was 9 weeks pregnant. My due date was around Valentines Day. This was my second pregnancy. I have a 6 year old daughter.

I had my first ultrasound at 6 weeks 5 days. I had a tablespoon of bright red blood during my first examination. I had lots of cramps that weren't painful, just felt like tugging. The midwife ordered an ultrasound right after seeing the blood. I saw the baby. There was a heartbeat and the little bean was wiggling around. It was cute. My pregnancy was going really well. I had symptoms but it was so much mellower than my first pregnancy. With my daughter I was so sick, I threw up for 6.5 months and lost almost 20 lbs. This pregnancy I was super tired at night, I had to pee constantly, everything smelled gross but it was nothing to how awful I felt with my first pregnancy. With my first pregnancy I never thought miscarriage would happen. It just didn't occur to me to worry about it, especially because I was so sick. This time, though, I knew it could happen. I am older now and I have had tons of friends who have miscarried. I was careful to only tell people if it came up in conversation but then after seeing the heartbeat, I was told that there is a slimmer chance of miscarriage so I told a couple more friends.

This past Tuesday morning while in the shower, I had a string of blood come out of me. I screamed, washed it off and forgot about it. On Wednesday morning while in the shower, there was much more blood. It was brown and red. I woke my husband up and called the prenatal center. I went right in to the prenatal center and had an examination with a doctor. She said my uterus was enlarged which was a positive sign. I had just started showing, barely. My pants were tight and there was a firm roundness at the bottom of my belly. There was some brown blood during the examination. I immediately had an ultrasound. It was so awful. My husband and my good friend, who is a nurse at the prenatal center, were there. The ultrasound tech didn't say anything. I couldn't see the screen but my husband and friend could. I said, "You'll tell me if you see a heartbeat, right?" and the tech didn't answer. I said something again and the tech turned to my friend and asked if she worked at the prenatal center. She said yes and the tech pointed out the head and the chest to my friend while not showing me the screen. It was one of the worse moments of my life, like the phone call that my dad had died. Just awful. The tech not saying anything was the confirmation that there wasn't a heartbeat. My husband started crying. I asked the tech if she was sure there wasn't a heartbeat and she said that since I already had an ultrasound and knew what it looked like that she would show me. So she turned the screen towards me and pointed out the still body and the chest with no heartbeat. The baby was much bigger than the first ultrasound. Oh, it was the worst. So heartbreaking. I've wanted to be a mother since I was two and realized that I wasn't my mom but my own separate person. I remember that moment, toddling around with my homemade rag doll and wanting a real baby of my own. I am so grateful to have my daughter. I can't imagine the pain of going through this and not having another child. My heart goes out to the women who read this and have that experience.

After the ultrasound I met with the doctor and we talked about my options. I knew that I did not want a natural miscarriage. I wanted to be knocked out and have a D & C. This goes drastically against my usual nature and if you knew me, you would be surprised by this choice. I am a very natural person but I couldn't handle any more pain in life. I've never been able to disconnect from pain, I feel everything and it those feelings don't go away. I can still feel all the pain and all the joy I've ever felt. This was too much. My good friend, who is a nurse at the prenatal center, suggested this older man doctor. We walked to his office. He did another examination and I started bleeding and cramping. It was so sad. This doctor explained how the D & C would happen and what I could expect. He said I would be pretty out of it after wards but that the next day I would be at about 80% of my usual self.

After that, my husband left to get our daughter. He spent the day with her at home. He asked me if it was OK if he told our daughter that I wasn't pregnant anymore. We talked for a little while about how to explain this to a 6 year old. We decided to be brief and honest.

My good friend had to back to work for a little while. I walked to the hospital and registered for the surgery. I was crying the whole time. These really sweet women found a secluded cubby where I could fill out the paperwork. My mom showed up while I was registering. Someone brought us to the surgery center and we were put in a curtained off area. At this point it was about noon. A nurse brought me a Xanax and I slept for awhile. I had to wait until 4pm to have the D & C. My mom and I just hung out in our little curtained room for several hours. Nurses would come in and check on me. I was hooked up to an IV with fluid and antibiotics. I was given some nasty tasting medicine to help digest the little breakfast that I had eaten. I was bleeding more and more and having terrible cramps. The Xanax was really important, took the edge off of everything. One of the nurses had lost a baby at 12 weeks and had a D & C. She was very kind, all the nurses were so sweet to me. I cried the whole time. When it was time for the D & C, a man nurse gave me one of those stupid blue shower caps to wear. The anesthesiologist came in and introduced himself. The man nurse and the anesthesiologist wheeled me into the surgery center. My old man doctor was in there. I live in a rural area and the surgery room was straight out of some other era. My sweet old man doctor talked to me for a little while, I can't remember what about. I was still crying. The male nurse held my hand while the anesthesiologist put a mask on my face and told me to breathe. I remember tears running down the side of the mask and the male nurse holding my hand. Next thing I remember, I was waking up back in the little curtained room and my mom was there. Even though the D & C didn't take long, maybe 15-20 minutes, I was knocked out for an hour. My mom and I stayed at the hospital for an hour and a half. I was bleeding a little after the D & C. I was given a prescription for Cytotec, a medicine that makes the uterus contract. I took the Cytotec for one day. I had light bleeding for two more days. But that was the end of the miscarriage.

Having a D & C was the right choice for me. I didn't want to miscarry at home. I didn't want my daughter to see any of that. I didn't want to do a bunch of bloody laundry. I just wanted to be taken care of and I was. I was treated like a queen. I didn't feel much physical pain and there wasn't much blood. The emotional pain was bad enough. This miscarriage has been awful. Not just for me, but for my husband, my daughter, my sisters, my mom and my in laws. My husband is an only child. I'm the only one of my siblings who can have a child. I pray that someday my little sister will be healthy enough to conceive. We all want another child in our family. So badly. I can't imagine the future. Right now I can only grieve this loss.
 

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I know this is an old thread but it's so important and meaningful for woman to talk about this! Thank you for sharing your stories.

My miscarriage took place when I was about 12 weeks along. I was just getting to that "whew! Made it!" feeling when...spotting. I knew immediately it was the end of the pregnancy though my midwife told me not to anticipate the worst. I just knew in my heart, you know?

I had a severe hemorrhage and was rushed by ambulance to the hospital where my blood pressure hovered between 50-60 for several hours while the staff administered pitocin and tried to manually clean out my uterus. After they realized it wasn't working and I continued to lose blood and kept losing consciousness, they transferred me to the ICU where I received 2 blood transfusions and an emergency D&C. Thankfully, it worked.

I wrote more about my experience at my blog http://www.organicmamacafe.com/?p=129 and a little more about healing too.

The upside is - it is not common to hemorrhage in a miscarriage (according to my doc and midwife) but it can go badly very quickly without intervention. If you soak through more than one or two large pads in an hour, get help.

I didn't see my baby. All that I could distinguish was lots of tissue and blood. I am not sure if it would have made it easier or harder to say goodbye. Though I miss my baby and dread starting over, I have to say I am mainly grateful to be alive.
 

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I started spotting at 12 weeks pregnant - it started out pinkish/brownish but after a couple of days it became bright red. I talked to my midwife, I was hoping it would turn out okay but she sounded worried.

At 13 weeks (on a Thursday) I went in for the ultrasound we had scheduled. That was when we found out the bad news - the doctor said the baby was very small and there was no heartbeat. By its size, he thought that it had died at around 9 weeks. He said that it would be best if I could wait it out and have a natural miscarriage. I was in shock, I had no idea the baby could die but that I could continue having pregnancy symptoms for a month.

The following night (a Friday) I had some cramping and the bleeding got a bit heavier, but Saturday and Sunday it was back to just spotting/light bleeding. On Monday night I went home from work early, and as soon as I lay down in bed I started to have intense cramps. For the rest of the afternoon and evening I kneeled on the floor leaning on the couch, with a heating pad on my belly. It was painful and I was passing a lot of blood and medium sized clots. I went to bed around 11 pm and the cramping stopped, so I was hoping the miscarriage was over.

On Tuesday I just had light bleeding all day, with a lot of very slippery feeling clear fluid - maybe amniotic fluid? But then on Tuesday night, I woke up around midnight with cramping that was quite a bit worse than the night before. The heating pad wasn't helping anymore. I kept wanting to sit on the toilet and push, but when I did that I started to have really intense pain around the perineum area like I was hurting myself, so I just tried to walk around and went back to leaning on the couch. After about an hour and a half, I was feeling like the pain was on my bladder - I felt like I should pee but it wasn't happening. Eventually I tried to stop pushing and relax that area and try to urinate - and that's when there was a weird popping feeling and a little bit of urine came out. The cramping stopped immediately and I reached down and pulled away a chunk of tissue.

I am not really sure what it was - I feel like it was mostly placenta but I don't know what it should look like. Most of it was kind of grey/whitish, almost like the skin from raw chicken. On one side there was a dark red/brown piece that looked like a chicken liver (sorry for the chicken analogies but that is what came to mind). I looked through it all but nothing looked like a fetus. The whole thing fit into the palm of my hand, it wasn't very big.

When it first came out I felt like flushing it, but then I thought I would regret it, so I wrapped it up and took it out in the backyard and buried it under a tree. When I did that, I had a strong feeling that I was carrying on a painful tradition of women over millions of years... "All My Relations" were there with me, so to speak. There is a full moon this Saturday so I think I will have a little ceremony then. I'm not usually into that sort of thing but it feels right to me.
 

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Tuesday 1/3/12 (12w6d):

I'm supposed to be 13w pg tomorrow (Wed), but we found out at our ultrasound last night that the embryo/fetus never developed past 8 weeks. (Isn't 8w the transition to fetus-status? add that detail to my confusion at relaying my experience; I don't even know what to call it.) I'd spotted bright red last Thursday (*right* before boarding the plane back home to MO from Florida), but then it stopped as soon as it began, and I didn't feel any cramping. Just took it easy, spotted a teeny bit of brown on Sunday, and waited for my first mw appt yesterday (Mon) afternoon. When she couldn't find the hb, it didn't send any red flags up, really--she has a less powerful doppler, and I was going to have an u/s that evening anyway. We just chatted, dh got comfortable with her (she's a friend of mine, but he didn't know her), and the boys (6 and 3) got to talk about being big brothers. At the u/s (dh and the boys were with me), the tech tried an abdominal u/s, but barely got anything--what she got was a small blip that wasn't moving; that much I could tell. We switched to transvaginal, and I could immediately tell it was way too small, not as developed as it should be, there was no blood flow or hb, and certainly nothing was moving. I now note she didn't turn the video recorder on for the transvag... She measured & said baby had stopped developing sometime around 8w. I felt like someone had knocked the wind out of me. She works with my mw a lot, and called her, then asked me to call her after I'd left. The boys were sad, dh was sad, I was sad--we talked about how it meant the baby wasn't alive and we wouldn't have a baby this summer, and that was certainly something to be sad about. My 6yo seems to be having a harder time than I thought he would; he repeats several times a day how sad he is that we're not having a baby. We hug, I commiserate, rinse, repeat. When he asks why the baby died, I say it's because it wasn't just perfect--the DNA didn't come together to make a baby that could live. I hope he understands (says he does)...but even though *I* understand, it doesn't make it any easier for my heart. I almost feel duped--I'd sworn that I'd felt movement the past couple days. After reading, I know that those were uterine spasms, but that's what gave me peace of mind before the u/s.

I'd been taking progesterone supplements to support the pregnancy since about 3-4w. We'd been TTC for about 18 mos (minus 2 that I did a detox in the middle there), and suspected some hormonal imbalances/deficiencies, so when I had a healthy BFP, I practically ran to my OB office for a progesterone level. It was deemed "normal," but was on the absolute lowest end, so I opted to supplement. I wonder now if that's why I still haven't actually had the m/c. Not that I'd change that, but this limbo is tough--I've been carrying around a dead baby for a month & would like to have physical closure now that I think I've worked through the mental part of where I am right in this moment.

Where I am is having taken a couple doses of black/blue cohosh and cotton root bark tinctures to get contractions started. I've been wiping pink for nearly the whole day, and it seems to have increased a bit this evening and been accompanied by some very light cramps. I'll continue the tinctures through tomorrow, and hopefully the process of birthing my loss will begin soon thereafter (if not before). I have a chux pad under my sheet on the bed JIC I wake up with bleeding tonight. I'm concerned that since it's been a month already, that if I don't complete the m/c soon, I may end up with an infection or d&c. I do have misoprostol in case it's not completed by this weekend, but hope not to have to use it. DH and I discussed tonight that we'd like to see and touch and bury our baby if at all possible (I told him that it is probably already broken-down some), so a d&c would not give us the healing and closure we'd like.

Thursday, 1/5/12 (13w1d):

A couple days later, and I finished the tincture protocol, even thought I'd pass everything last night, but the contractions petered out. I've read over half of the stories in the "what to expect" stories thread (boy, it's LONG :( ), and I assume I can expect it to pick up again tonight, right? [edit: it didn't; nothing happened at all] I feel like I've been in limbo for too long already--I've grieved as much as I can at this stage & feel like I need the loss to be completed before I can move through any more. I kind of just want someone to tell me that I will finish the physical process of miscarrying tonight... Or how many days/nights of "almost" birthing your loss it might take... Or what to expect with a home cytotec/misoprostol induction...

Friday, 1/6/12 (13w2d):

I did another "day 2" of the black and blue cohosh tinctures, and contractions were moderate, but bleeding was tapering off late in the evening. I was going to do cytotec at 9pm, but my less-than-helpful husband kept the boys up later despite my constant "they need to get in bed NOW" commentary. (I couldn't do it b/c I was contracting, of course.) Since my contractions weren't going away, but not getting any more intense or closer together, I decided I'd add cytotec at 10 instead. (400mcg sublingually, per WHO guidelines; I couldn't do vaginal since I was bleeding, and hadn't had a bm yet, so didn't want to do rectal in case it was "wasted" in short order) I took it along with 2 meclizine (antiemetic) and 800mg ibuprofen. The cytotec crumbled pretty easily under my tongue, but just kind of stayed there, so after a good 20 min, I had to swallow it with a swig of water (the taste wasn't as bitter as some meds I've tasted). I gathered things like orange juice, water, a book, my phone, a couple of chux pads, extra towels, and headed upstairs to my bathroom. I had been hydrating like mad all day, so decided to just sit on the toilet and pee/bleed while I was contracting. I'd flush when the blood made the water too dark to see through. About an hour after the cytotec, the contractions got much more intense (incidentally, 60min is the blood peak of misoprostol when taken sublingually; sublingual administration also maintains a higher concentration in the blood for a longer period of time than the higher/faster peak of oral administration). I passed a few marble-sized clots, then moved between the toilet and squatting/sitting on the chux pad for the next couple hours. Then I felt like I might have a bm, so got back on the toilet, and I did, but at the end of it, my waters broke into the toilet, too. Immediately, I got off the toilet and onto the chux pad, then flushed the toilet. When the amniotic sac had broken, I felt immediate relief, and didn't really have any more heavy contractions. Once I was squatting on the floor again, I felt a teeny ctx and pushed only slightly; that's when the embryo/fetus came out. I stopped what I was doing, picked it up, and looked at it closely. It had begun to deteriorate a little bit, mostly the arm/leg buds. DH squirted contact solution on it to slide it gently off my hand and into a Ziploc baggie. It was no bigger than my pinkie fingertip, maybe even smaller. We looked at it a bit more, and I realized that the head hadn't completely fused--there was a hole between the eyes, and another dark spot at the top of the head. Immediately, I felt gratitude that the pregnancy had ended; this clearly couldn't have grown into a baby, much less a healthy one. I'd had a strong feeling that the pregnancy ended because of a physical anomaly, and I was right. Then DH and I talked about everything, and I answered some biological questions he had (why the pgcy continued even after the embryo/fetus stopped, how it got so far along in the first place even without having a fully fused nuchal tube, etc). Then I realized I hadn't checked on how the labor was progressing & see if the placenta was ready to come. I thought I was passing a clot that had just sort of dried stuck to me while we looked at the embryo, but when I reached down to touch it, it was meaty, and I realized it was the placenta, but it wasn't budging. I realize now how fortunate we are that the embryo didn't fall out into the toilet when the amniotic sac burst. While we waited, I realized I was starving & had dh bring me some lunch meat and a piece of leftover pizza, and drank my orange juice. Fast forward an hour, and while I'm texting with my mw about how to get it to come out even though I don't have any ctx and bearing down wasn't working...it finally just plopped out. (after I'd reached up past my cervix to sweep and see if it was still attached right there or something; it wasn't) I'd trickled blood for that hour around the placenta, but was afraid it was blocking a lot more, so wouldn't let DH go to bed until after it had passed and I knew I wouldn't hemorrhage. I did tell him to lie down on the bathroom floor, though (he's very much NOT a night owl and is typically pretty much useless in the middle of the night, lol). Once the placenta came out, though, I didn't really have much bleeding.

Maybe there's a "part 2" to the labor that's around the corner to expel more of the blood, but I'm not having much more than a light-moderate period-like flow. Maybe my body absorbed much of the lining, though, too. The placenta didn't seem as meaty as I'd think, but I'm thinking that stopped growing before 8w, too, and possibly started breaking down, too...? I know the amniotic sac kept growing bc of the ultrasound we'd had, and I assume that's why it broke rather than coming out intact; it was a lot bigger than the rest of everything I passed. I had a brief rinse-off in the tub to get the dried blood off, then got in my pj's with a big postpartum pad on, and went to bed at 2:45am.

Saturday, 1/7/12:

I woke up at 8am to pee, and went back to sleep until noon. Got up and ate more food than I have in an entire day. I'm still feeling tired, dizzy if I stand for too long, and everything else you'd expect after a birth (except very little bleeding still, and of course, no baby). We have the placenta and embryo/fetus (I don't know that it reached a full 8w; seems like the buds weren't developed quite that much, so I'm not inclined to call it a fetus) in contact solution in the refrigerator. My mw will come by in the next couple of days to take my blood to monitor hcg levels, bp, temp, etc, and when I asked, she said she was interested in having a look at them. They're really fascinating!

Now I just wait to bleed and start the roller coaster of TTC again. We have plans to bury the placenta and embryo, but don't have specifics yet, and don't have a memory box put together yet. I'd like to take pictures of what we have, but don't know that I'll put those in a memory box.

Wednesday, 1/11/12:

Today was a pretty good day. Sunday seemed okay (still kind of numb, I think), but Monday was horrible. I had some computer problems that just sort of screamed at me as a reminder of how I had no control over anything and my anxiety just ramped up all day long. By evening, I was shaking and couldn't get to sleep. At 2:30am, I took one of dh's leftover hydrocodones in hopes that it would at least let me get some sleep...Bad idea, btw. It let me lose consciousness, but I wouldn't call it sleep, and certainly not restful; I had horribly disturbing dreams until I got out of bed at 9:30. Still had tons of anxiety/was shaking, but had appts and such yesterday, so I had to shower (always a positive step, lol). I cleaned my kitchen and did 4 loads of laundry before my midwife came for my hcg blood draw. I showed her the placenta (which also apparently grew to near-13w size) and fetus. I've since studied some embryology photos, and surmised that development was consistent with 8w+, but it was as small as 7w (there's a big jump in noticeable size between there). My theory is that development slowed significantly but still carried on until it simply couldn't. We looked at the teeny fetus and she saw the same malformations as I did. I also shared my anxieties with her, and she gently guided me back to my senses and toward natural solutions rather than toxic-in-the-long-run-no-matter-how-much-I-wanted-Xanax ones. I went to my naturopathic pharmacy and got some amino acids to help with restful sleep and relaxation (phosphatidylserine and L-theanine, in case you wonder; I was already taking GABA for calmness--which wasn't enough on its own). Taking those yesterday, I slept much better last night. Today I was pretty "normal" I think. Yesterday, I went to a homeschool field trip yesterday and could tell everyone was walking on eggshells around me. One woman asked me when I was due, and I was abrupt when I told her I'm not pregnant (I don't care for her much, anyway, though). I did talk about it with another friend, and it wasn't a difficult conversation at all, surprisingly. My bleeding has barely been more than streaking when I wipe, which I was concerned about (that I'm not bleeding enough), but my mw thinks it's normal, and after having seen my placenta, says I don't need to worry about not having passed everything. Even so, my hcg yesterday was still 226, at 3.5 days post labor/birth. I'm having another draw on Friday, and will continue to have draws every 3-5 days until it's zero. DH and I also had a conversation last night about the loss and how my body worked perfectly well...and how we will try again as soon as my cycle is normalized. I'm going to start temping next week when (hopefully) my sleep cycles are a little more normal.

I took photos of the placenta and fetus tonight. I think I have the correct link to share private photos here.
 

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Regarding the test, it takes a long time for your hormone levels to drop down after a miscarriage. The baby could have passed a long while ago but your body still has the hormone, which does not fully go back to normal for weeks sometimes after a miscarriage.
 

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Lost in September 2012:

I knew I was pregnant from the very first week we conceived. It was weird. I was having insomnia every night. I now think my insomnia was because of adding a life on top of iron and b12 deficiency that I haven't confirmed, but as soon as I started taking those, I have been sleeping through the night. I had the really bad hunger pains by a week and a half after conception and some other various things that confirmed my suspicions though I hadn't had a positive test yet. I got a positive test 2 weeks after I think I conceived. I told friends and family, thinking it'd be nice to have their prayers and support no matter what happens. I hoped I would never be someone that would have a miscarriage, but of course, you never know. I started to notice after a few days that the pregnancy tests were NOT getting much darker. I was only getting a faint line. I knew that might be bad. It never happened that I could remember with my other pregnancies. I started to feel less pregnant as well. My symptoms were going away. I started spotting a week after my positive test. I asked the midwife I had set an interview up for about it and she suggested implantation bleeding, but that made very little sense since I already had a positive test, but it was nothing still though I expected the worst. By the next day the bleeding picked up and was like a heavy period day. I felt so exhausted and sick and crampy. My cervix was getting painful cramps(dilation) and I felt like I was in early labor that day and the next. I still had quite a bit of pain for a couple more days after that, but the bleeding wasn't very much anymore. I passed penny sized clots during the time and smaller. The bleeding tapered off after 3 days and was just like a light period and then spotting that ended after 8 days. It was pretty heart breaking. My best friend doesn't think a woman should even know they are pregnant that early, but I always know with a test or not. I can't hide from the truth. I'm sad that it happened, but I hope to move forward and Lord willing, I hope to have more children. I had another friend that had an early miscarriage that wasn't spotted until she was 9 weeks, so I was able to find comfort talking with her. We understood each other. I feel mostly fine about it now, but I am pretty scared of it happening again and do feel sad when I think about it sometimes.

So, even an early miscarriage can be painful and not necessarily like a heavy period. I've had really heavy periods at times and this wasn't anywhere like it. It was more like early labor and period hanging out with each other. :( I hope that helps if anyone finds themselves going through it.
 
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