[Olma]

I posted a couple of days on the Personal Growth board about my depressed DH who treatened suicide. I have help lined up for him and I'm hopeful things will get better.

But, in the meantime I am just so exausted...He's been very cold, distant and withdrawn for at least 4 months now. He's been blaming me for a lot of things and he withdrew his attention and affection as a result -- he told me so, in a very angry voice. In general he's been very angry with me and the children. He basically just wants to come home to eat and sleep and be left alone.

I understand now where he's coming from and I'm not saying that his depression is not real. I see that he really can't be the DH and father he used to be in these conditions.I'm just saying that with everything going on, I am exausted and need help coping with life for the moment. Any suggestions?

 

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

Do you not have a "Village"?

I would be turning to my parents for support, but that is just my situation. We have a fantastic relationship.

This may seem like a fairly obvious suggestion, but sometimes when we are in the thick of it, we don't think very clearly.

 

[lolar2]

He may actually have withdrawn as a result of the depression, and the blaming came from his trying to make sense of that. So it's possible that it could all resolve with treatment. Of course I don't want to tell you to count on that. If you don't have any other friends or family for support, you may want to get some therapy for yourself as well to help sort everything out.

 

[sunnmama]

Now is the time to reach out to your community for help. Are your friends, family, neighbors, religious community, etc all aware of what is going on? Surely there is someone who would be willing to watch your kids a couple hours a week (could be different people each week) so that you can get some time to care for yourself--whatever that means to you.

Also, look into support groups for people in similar situations. Your dh's providers should have information on the local support groups available.

Take people up on offers to help. If no one offers--ask!

 

[Olma]

Yes, I think I might benefit from therapy as well. I have friends that are very supportive but they live far from where we are -- we're in Belgium and only one is local but has an infant so I can't impose on her too much.
This particular week was hard because both kids are home sick and I didn't get much sleep or a breather from problems. And homework due tomorrow for my online classes....

Monday the kids go back to school/kindy so I will have some time for myself. I dread the week-end though, I don't know how to be around DH so not to rock the boat, be overbearing, etc.

He got some good news today, his boss that was a jerk and major stress factor got fired.

And, I feel I need to clarify this, I love my DH and I know he is not himself because of the depression, I do not fault him for this.

 

[Learning_Mum]

OK. I have suffered from depression for a looooong time. The best thing my husband did for me was leave. Now, I'm not suggesting you leave. What I am suggesting is that you expect him to continue to be a part of the family and not let him get away with coming home and eating and sleeping.

When I was depressed I was always very much 'poor me. I feel horrible. I just want to be normal. I can't even have a shower I'm so depressed.' But when my husband left I *had* to step up. There was only me, and I just had to get up and get going. My husband always enabled my behaviour and I think if he'd told me enough was enough then I would have dragged myself out of the pit a long time ago.

Also, go for a walk. Everyday *make* him go for a walk with you. Exercise and diet play a *huge* part in depression. 20mins of exercise a day boosts your mood for 12 hours! Even if you just go for a ten minute walk, it *will* help his depression.

As for you, I don't really have any helpful advice. Take time when you can. Put on a movie for the girls if you need to. Don't worry if the house isn't as clean and tidy as it normally is. Do something relaxing at the end of the day - yoga, meditate, draw, paint, knit, crochet, have a long bubble bath. Don't feel guilty about letting things slide and taking time to recharge your batteries - ultimately it's in the best interest of your family for you to remain happy and healthy until you get through this storm.

And seriously, stop catering to your husband. Let him know that you love him very much. That you will always be there for him. That if he ever needs you, you'll be there in a heartbeat. That you will always listen if he needs to talk. But stop letting him disappear, it only makes things worse for everyone (withdrawing while depressed really makes it worse for the person with the depression too, even if they don't believe you at the time). Maybe make an agreement he can have half an hour or an hour everyday where he can be totally alone but then he needs to rejoin the family and start doing some normal everyday tasks.