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Discussion Starter #1
Hi,<br>
We are a hetero couple, and it looks like we are leaning towards donor sperm (due to severe mf infertility). Discussions in our house are revolving around how/when to tell any child(ren) we may be lucky enough to end up with about their origins. We see a lot of value in the child alwas knowing about the donor, and will use a donor with ID release, but dh is afraid of the innocent comments our child might make to others. In the vein of, "My daddy didn't have any sperm, so he borrowed some from another man" in a crowded shopping centre or at a party. But, if we wait until the child is old enough to not make that sort of comment, then he/she will be old enough that the news is going to be a shock, a big deal, a betrayal of trust. We don't want that. Also, how do you explain this to a child? If we wait for our child to bring it up, it could potentially *never* come up. He/she will have a mother and a father, and if we don't bring it up, why would anyone think dh isn't the genetic father?<br>
Help? What have your experiences been? Things you wish you could do differently? What are you glad you did?<br><br>
Thanks,<br>
Katia
 

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I've just recently read a really great book that you may find interesting (my IVF counsellor loaned it to me) - Building a Family with the assistance of donor insemination by Ken Daniels.<br><br>
Our son is 3 and we've always used the word "donor" around him so that he gets used to hearing it, but he doesn't yet have understanding of his conception, which doesn't surprise me at his age.
 

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Personally, I think that its nothing to be ashamed of and alot of how your child will feel about it ~ is in how you explain it or react to it when it is brought up. I think it goes right along the lines of explaining the family dynamics of when a child is adopted, or has a step parent, or is a foster child etc.. there are so many ways to build a family. With my babe, who is adopted from Guatemala, it is pretty obvious she is not biological so people feel it necessary to ask pretty rude questions: where did you get her? how much did she cost? when did you get her? etc... I have really had to think hard before hand about how to answer these questions because my babe is always right there and I really want to 'teach' her how to deal with all these questions she will run into in her life. Then there are my sisters who both had children before marrying their spouses and went on to have more children. How does an 8 year old explain that their mother had sex with another man before getting married to her current husband? Should they have to? Complete rambling... and probably not real helpful... right
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>JunipersMom</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7986003"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">With my babe, who is adopted from Guatemala, it is pretty obvious she is not biological so people feel it necessary to ask pretty rude questions: where did you get her? how much did she cost? when did you get her? etc...</div>
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I'm sorry you've encountered such rudeness. Some people seem to have no boundaries or tact.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">I have really had to think hard before hand about how to answer these questions because my babe is always right there and I really want to 'teach' her how to deal with all these questions she will run into in her life.</td>
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You make a very good point here.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
JunipersMom - there are a lot of similarities between adoption and DI, I think, so your input is definitely relevant. I do agree that much of how the parents treat the info and the rude questions will shape how the child feels about his/her origins. We're also hoping and praying that the Guatemalan adoption programs (or Honduran or southern Mex) become a little more accessible over the next few years, as we really feel that that's where our child (or children!) is.<br>
We have basically decided to go the donor sperm route, but the more I read, the more frightened I become. The first DI kids are late teens/early twenties now, and those who are writing are angry, bitter people. They are calling DI unethical, evil, bad, and studies are showing that DI kids are more likely to experience teen pregnancies, need therapy and end up in prison. Excellent. As if the anger wasn't bad enough - they're living very destructive and difficult lives as well. I am almost ready to turn tail and remain childless for the rest of my life. Even the adoptees on this board are generally angry, bitter and believe that they would have been much better off if they hadn't been adopted. Or, maybe I am just seeing that because I am afraid? We have always wanted to adopt as well, but I am feeling VERY insecure in our decisions!<br>
I know that we will be awesome parents, and our DI (or any other child!) will know that they are loved and wanted, and we are buying ID release sperm so that our child will know as much as possible about their genetic origins. I can actually dismiss most of the writings of the grown DI children, just because I know that our child will be in a healthy environment. But, I also feel that it is ignorant and arrogant to believe that our family will be immune to problems. Ahh!!!<br>
It's also funny that dh, who was hesitant about DI in the firt place, is the one who keeps reminding me that every child is different, and that just because there are a small number of angry DI kids out there doesn't mean that our child will wish they had never been born.<br>
This is such a rollercoaster!<br>
Katia
 
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