[DeChRi]

My DD is 11. Her best friend's parent just seperated and filed for divorce. The short story is 2 yrs ago the husband had an affair and they seperated 6 weeks during which time the wife also was with other people, counseling and such put it back together and now 2 yrs later the husbnd was caught with the same woman.<br><br>
Besides being a friend to her BFF, my DD is dragged in to some of the drama. Her ball coach and his wife are best friends with the couple getting divorced, and they have a daughter that is dear friends with my DD. All 3 girls are on the same ball team and the dad that is getting divorced was one of the coaches.<br><br>
So within 24 hrs of this unfolding the wife of the ball coach told the entire town about the details, including thier young children, the dad in that couple got in an argument with the dad that had the affair and said he would "kick his ass" (are we 12??) and it was really insane given that is really is no one elses biz. A month has past, things have settled down for the divorcing couple a bit, but then....<br><br>
DD comes home from ball practice last night and says "I know why they moved ball from Wed to Tues"....then proceeds to tell me IN DETAIL that BBF's dad cheated (she is pretty innocent kid, I am not really even sure she understands all this entails), and WHO IT WAS WITH (the woman has kids at DDs school and is married to a local Dr), all the details, then a bunch of stuff that was hald truths. I asked her who she got that from and she said it came from the ball coaches daughter (like mother like daughter). This same girl was the one who told the actual divorcing couples KIDS the reason for the divorce thus the parents having to explain before they were ready.<br><br>
At the end of the day, DH and I are such drama avoiders (we live in a bit of a Real House Wives community here of true craziness) that we just stay out of it (we are only this involved as DH was the realtor that sold the divorcing couple's home, and because out kids are so close).....but HOW do I explain this to DD? I don't feel like it is my biz to tell her the whole "right" story, but I don't want her thinking the "wrong" story is true....I don't want her to think affairs are ok, in decided upon monogamous marraiges but I also don't want to totally criminalize the dad there because there is some history on both sides of that situation that land fault. And we really don't know what happened behind thier doors. Nor do we really want to.<br><br>
Any advice on how to handle this with DD, but without letting her get pulled into the mouth running drama that is flowing from this other family? I seriously can hardley stomach taking her to ball practice with the moron and with wife and kids that dont know when to shut it.

 

[mtiger]

If it were my child in the middle of this, I would explain to her that there are many different reasons that people divorce, and just because we hear one story does not make it true in whole or part. Also, that her friend must be having a difficult enough time with this going on in her life, and that having her friends gossiping about it only makes it more painful for her.<br><br>
Then I'd have a talk with the coach and ask him to be somewhat more circumspect in what he discusses within the children's earshot. If he won't stop, I would likely request that the league find a different team for my child - and would suggest the same to the divorcing couple.

 

[GoBecGo]

If it were DD i'd try to find an analogy from her own life experience where someone said something which was sort of true but not the whole story and then talk about how lots of people have lots of versions of a story and that the whole truth is often even bigger than all the stories put together. I would also point out that the kid who told the story and her parents don't ACTUALLY know the full story either - it is between the parents who are divorcing and only they know what is really happening. I'd encourage her to be gentle with the DD of the divorcers who is stuck in the middle of it all, and not contradict the coach's DD's story openly (because the DD whose mom and dad are divorcing probably doesn't want to have it gossiped over at ball practice), but to remember, WHENEVER she is being told a story about something, that what she is being told might be wholly, partially or not at all true.

 

[hedgehogs4]

Yeah, I would probably say something about it being private between two people, people have all sorts of reasons for cheating and often don't think about how it hurts other people until it's too late, etc. etc. Also, say sometimes grownups are so busy being mad at eachother they don't realize that they are hurting their kids. Acknowledge how her friend's parents divorce has hurt her friend, and her too, and the team. And finally, reassure your daughter that you and your husband love each other very much, wouldn't never do that, etc. etc.<br><br>
I'd probably do something along those lines, anyway.

 

[MusicianDad]

I agree with saying that there is no way for her, or anyone else to know the whole story and that the only people who do know the whole story are the two people going through the divorce. I would also stress (as a PP mentioned) that its probably in the best interest of her friend that she not get involved with the gossip and instead be there as support for the friend.<br><br>
Also talk to the coach about not bringing this up while the children are present.<br><br>
At 11, I would also give her a few handy phrases to use if the adults start discussing this in front of her and other kids again. Something simple like "Excuse me, but I can hear you and I don't think it's appropriate to talk about that where kids can hear." The whole "the kids don't need to hear it" from you might not be 100% effective, and she might end up needing to express that she, at least, is not comfortable hearing the adults talk about the divorce.

 

[philomom]

I'm not sure I'd feel comfortable with my kid being dragged into the adult mess. Some things are meant to be private. Really. I agree with a previous poster saying that I'd encourage folks NOT to talk about it in front of the kids. All of the kids.

 

[Linda on the move]

<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>MusicianDad</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15375489"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I agree with saying that there is no way for her, or anyone else to know the whole story and that the only people who do know the whole story are the two people going through the divorce. I would also stress (as a PP mentioned) that its probably in the best interest of her friend that she not get involved with the gossip and instead <b>be there as support for the friend.</b><br>
Also talk to the coach about not bringing this up while the children are present.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
Nice post <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/thumb.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="thumbs up"><br><br>
yucky situation. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br>
When talking to your DD, I wouldn't say things like "think how you would feel if your parents were divorcing" because her brain most likely won't go there.<br><br>
It's like passing a wreck: most of us think "what a horrid wreck." We don't jump to "what if I'm in a wreck?" Trying to get her to empathisize could backfire if you open a new dark space in her head.<br><br>
As far as your DD understanding "cheating:"<br><blockquote><p>"cheating" is a phrase used at my DD's middle school when a child has boy/girl friend one place, and then get a second boy/girl friend. Such as having a boy friend at school and another boy friend at church. It just means not being honest about what is going on with you and other people. It doesn't have to involve sex, (they hold hands at this stage). Cheating is seen as a bad thing because it's lying to someone who thinks you are their friend</p></blockquote>
I'd also call the mouthy ball coach/wife and say that they need to stop talking about it at ball practice.<br><br>
I'd tell my child that if other kids bring it up, her best course of action is to change the subject and NOT gossip, something like "Sally is my friend and I don't think she'd like us talking about her parents." How to handle gossip is, sadly, an important life lesson.