My dh and I are currently struggling with this. We live near my ILs and dh's two sisters and their dhs and kids (two each) live nearby also. Dh's mom dearly loves to have everyone over. Often. When you add up all the birthdays, anniversaries, Jewish holidays, miscellaneous holidays including Father's and Mother's day etc. there are a lot of get-togethers. Dh's sisters' kids are close in age to our ds. Let me make it clear that ds, who is five, has only mild special needs, mostly having to do with his sensory disorder, and is mostly expressed in his impulsiveness but also things that you wouldn't detect unless you were aware of certain behaviors that some kids with special needs have such as not answering you when you call his name unless you get really close to his face and touch him somehow to get his attention. These get-togethers are so stressful I don't know how to put it into words except that I have a feeling that if anyone would know what I'm talking about it's probably the parent of a chlld with special needs. First of all, the chaos, the noise, the running around of other kids, brings out the worst in ds. And there are other things that just annoy me, for example he is not allowed soda and certainly not coke, but it continues to be left out where he can easily get access to it even though I have asked that it be kept in the fridge where the grown-ups can help themselves to it if they want. THat's a picky little thing but it adds to how hard a time I have with it. Much worse is the parenting styles we encounter which are so different from our own. Ds is expected to and prompted to say he's sorry if he does any infraction to another kid. We don't do that. Ds is treated as though he's a violent, hurtful child lathough he has long grown out of biting. What makes it hard, though, is that his behavior is at its worst when he's at these things. His cousin who is his age tells an adult several times during a visit that ds "did this or that" He's barely five, so I know it's his age to do this, and also he says whether or not ds actually did anything. So ds gets angry and hurt, can't actually berbalize so behaves worse and worse. At the next to last one I nearly marched out to walk over a mile with him to the train station. I really do not like the tone of voice both my BIL's use with ds. (Here I feel guilty because I have not stuck up for ds enough, I don't think.) Anyway, the tough part is in trying to communicate respectfully to dh's family that we want to come to fewer of these. We tried to say so to my SIL re: her daughter's two year birthday party and she started crying on the phone. Feeling bad, and feeling that it was mean to the birthday girl, we went. (It actually went better than they usually do but one BIL wasn't there and it was outdoors at a pool where ds had so much fun he didn't feel as reprimanded etc.) But I am DETERMINED that we will go to either Rosh Hashanah or Yom Kippur, Thanksgiving, and maybe Hannukah and that's it. It's not so bad if there is one or two cousins, but all three always seem to be too much for ds. I am wondering if anyone else has a situation like this and what you do about it. MIL by the way will be absolutely devasted, probably angry, and dh will feel very guilty and will have a hard time standing up to her. On the other hand I am very tired of getting so little support and sensitivity from his family.
Extended Family Gatherings
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I am so sorry!!! My stepmom has a very large family and they get together at least once a month for a birthday party for anyone celebrating that month. There can easily be over 20 people, sometimes over 30..
We've been lucky. Two of the women are teachers and have worked with special needs kids from time to time. Noone has ever made Mikey feel unwelcome or bad. There's lots of kids, several Mikey's age or a little older, and even though it's obvious he isn't as close to them and doesn't play well with them, they always let him in and deal with him ok.
We've gotten lots of input on how much better he's been doing and they always want to know what the latest with him is, what they can do to make things easier or help.
Maybe if you communicated to your family why these are so hard and how they might be made easier? If you have already done this, or do not fell it will be effective, then just stand your grounsd. Your only responsibility is to your child NOT to them or any of their get togethers.
(((HUGS))) I hope it goes smoohtly for you.
We've been lucky. Two of the women are teachers and have worked with special needs kids from time to time. Noone has ever made Mikey feel unwelcome or bad. There's lots of kids, several Mikey's age or a little older, and even though it's obvious he isn't as close to them and doesn't play well with them, they always let him in and deal with him ok.
We've gotten lots of input on how much better he's been doing and they always want to know what the latest with him is, what they can do to make things easier or help.
Maybe if you communicated to your family why these are so hard and how they might be made easier? If you have already done this, or do not fell it will be effective, then just stand your grounsd. Your only responsibility is to your child NOT to them or any of their get togethers.
(((HUGS))) I hope it goes smoohtly for you.
Thanks for reminding me that my first responsibility is to my son. Your right. It makes me feel much better to hear this. I do feel bad about it though because they are all not bad people at all, I know a lot of it is having their hands full with their own kids. However I think that ds's role is solidifying into something unpleasant and I don't know how to stop it. Dh actually spoke to one sister once some time ago about the snarky tone she took with ds re: his messy and unusual appearance (wearing shorts over a bathing suit sort of thing) and to her credit she did listen and has made a noticable effort to be kinder to him. I think there are members of the family who can hear it and those who can't. My MIL firmly believes that we "make him out to be a victim" and are too lenient in general. So we've more or less given up on her. No one ever asks how its going with him or comments on his progress or lack of it. I think that's too intimate for this family.
I have been in exactly that situation and I agree with AnnMarie, your primary responsibility is to your family and son. Sure it is nice and kind to go to all of the family gatherings but if it is detremental to your family and son then you need to do what is best for you guys.
My 10yo son has a very difficult time in gatherings with lots of cousins and we have had times where family is less than understanding, though they are trying harder now.
Here are some of the things we do.
1- Make our visits shorter - come early to visit when it is just inlaws and leave early or come late and leave a little less early.
2- have an escape plan with DH for what behaviors or situations are our clue it is time to leave before things get out of hand. Kind of goes with the keep it short.
3- take 2 cars so one parent can leave with DS while the others stay if necessary for big occasions. It isn't a punishment thing, often I take him for something fun. It is just to get him out of the stressful situation.
4- Make other arrangements for him. My mom is in the area now and awesome. She will often take Mike for me on those days when there is a family gathering we need to go to. She will take him to the movies or something 1:1.
5- Take activities that are likely to be successful for him. I really don't care if the other families give me a nasty look because the kids should be there to socialize. Mike can't socialize like that successfully so I bring along something like a gameboy.
6- Set a separate place for him to play or be alone to unwind. I am still having a hard time getting my inlaws to see the light on this one. If it was available he would be able to come alot more. I would like one of the rooms they don't use to be able for him to go in and play his game boy or watch tv and unwind. I am not big on allowing electronics as a babysitter but in these overstimulating situations it can be the only escape that allows him to keep some composure.
7- send an email to all the family with his information spelled out very specifically as well as what you need from them in family gatherings for help. I did this finally about a year ago and it has helped alot. It is still far from perfect but it is alot better.
My 10yo son has a very difficult time in gatherings with lots of cousins and we have had times where family is less than understanding, though they are trying harder now.
Here are some of the things we do.
1- Make our visits shorter - come early to visit when it is just inlaws and leave early or come late and leave a little less early.
2- have an escape plan with DH for what behaviors or situations are our clue it is time to leave before things get out of hand. Kind of goes with the keep it short.
3- take 2 cars so one parent can leave with DS while the others stay if necessary for big occasions. It isn't a punishment thing, often I take him for something fun. It is just to get him out of the stressful situation.
4- Make other arrangements for him. My mom is in the area now and awesome. She will often take Mike for me on those days when there is a family gathering we need to go to. She will take him to the movies or something 1:1.
5- Take activities that are likely to be successful for him. I really don't care if the other families give me a nasty look because the kids should be there to socialize. Mike can't socialize like that successfully so I bring along something like a gameboy.
6- Set a separate place for him to play or be alone to unwind. I am still having a hard time getting my inlaws to see the light on this one. If it was available he would be able to come alot more. I would like one of the rooms they don't use to be able for him to go in and play his game boy or watch tv and unwind. I am not big on allowing electronics as a babysitter but in these overstimulating situations it can be the only escape that allows him to keep some composure.
7- send an email to all the family with his information spelled out very specifically as well as what you need from them in family gatherings for help. I did this finally about a year ago and it has helped alot. It is still far from perfect but it is alot better.
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I can't really add to the advice given here, but I want to add my support, because we've BTDT. We no longer visit the homes of certain relatives because it is always a disaster. We did have a nice time at a family wedding this summer when everyone traveled out of state and stayed in the same hotel where the wedding reception was held. DS was free to come and go as he pleased, plus visits with various individuals were kept brief and cheerful. All I can say is do what works for your child. Eventually the extended family will see that your efforts on behalf of your child have paid off and they will begin to understand. Patience.
I just want to thank Fay and RBear4--I guess what I wanted was for people to say that've they've BTDT and that's what I got. Every time we go to one of these I say to DH we're going to keep it short--and we usually do, but your replies strengthened by resolve to actually keep it short, real short. Fortunately August is sort of a month off of all these things so we won't have to deal with one till the end of September.
Although we did not have cousins, we had very similar issues with my son. He would get so ovewhelmed that he would go into overdrive (all this was before OT etc.) We just limit how long we stay, get there when it works for us (the kids get fed, naps if needed etc), leave when they start to get overwhelmed. I really do not care if anyone gets upset by our shortened visits. If I don't watch out for my kids, well who will.
Doreen
Doreen
We have understanding family and friends, but we definitely have issues with large family/friends events and overstimulation. He really shuts down and can't listen in such a situation, certainly can't enjoy himself, and bounces around open-loop.
We bought a gameboy, and it's probably the best thing we've done. ;-) He loves it, and it really calms him down. Once he starts getting amped up, we'll pull it out, and he's quite happy to sit on the sofa and play. I know some that don't know us as well may view this as rude, but he goes on sensory overload and really needs a break, and this gives him one. It also frees my husband and I to look after the other kids and socialize, where before someone had to be 1:1 with him to avoid the kinds of issues you're talking about. I also give it to him in crowded doctor waiting rooms, and in the car if his baby sister starts crying (drives him insane quickly).
For me, I want to do what makes him comfortable and able to possibly even enjoy family events, and I'm not nearly as concerned anymore about what other people think, and if my parenting methods are "pure". ;-)
Kimberly
We bought a gameboy, and it's probably the best thing we've done. ;-) He loves it, and it really calms him down. Once he starts getting amped up, we'll pull it out, and he's quite happy to sit on the sofa and play. I know some that don't know us as well may view this as rude, but he goes on sensory overload and really needs a break, and this gives him one. It also frees my husband and I to look after the other kids and socialize, where before someone had to be 1:1 with him to avoid the kinds of issues you're talking about. I also give it to him in crowded doctor waiting rooms, and in the car if his baby sister starts crying (drives him insane quickly).
For me, I want to do what makes him comfortable and able to possibly even enjoy family events, and I'm not nearly as concerned anymore about what other people think, and if my parenting methods are "pure". ;-)
Kimberly
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