Mothering Forum banner
1 - 20 of 23 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,634 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I am SO frustrated and have HAD IT. I'm bordering on actually resenting and disliking this tiny little baby of mine. My problems seem so widespread and overwhelming that I didn't know where to post this or how to look at my issues rationally. Evan is 3 mos and a week right now. I feel like I just can't do it and want to give him away (not really, but I'm really struggling).

I hate nursing this baby. Well, to rephrase, I hate that he wants to suck on me all day long, and all night too. I can't just hold him... he wants to climb into my shirt and suck/pacify himself...ALL DAY LONG. I hate it. When he nurses to actually get milk, I'm happy, and that's fine. But the constant sucking is like chinese water torture. I reach a breaking point where I just want him away from me, and I'm not particularly nice about it. He gets so angry when I offer him a pacifier (tried all shapes and styles), a finger, a knuckle, a toy, his fingers etc. He screams when I try anything else, comforted only by my sore, tired boob.

He won't sleep more than 15 mins or so without waking to suck on me. Rocking, walking, swaddling and holding aren't enough. Same for white noise, car rides, dark rooms, etc. Hates the sling too (tolerates the front pack, but won't sleep in it). Again, he wants boob. I'm exhausted, angry and resentful. His naps are way too short and we're both crabby and overtired a lot. I feel like I spend my whole day tring to get this bugger to sleep. And at night... we try to put him down to sleep around 8, and it takes me up to an hour some nights to get him to sleep... WAY TOO LONG for a 3 mos old baby... I nurse and rock him. He just cries/screams if I try to lay him down awake, and even that's a crapshoot... more often than not he wakes if I lie him down (he needs to be held all day and night). He sucks on me all night.. neither of us sleep. I can't live like this anymore!

He won't take an occasional bottle. Again, like pacifiers, we've tried all styles and shapes without luck (even that breastbottle... theres no bamboozling this smartie!). Co sleeping isn't working for us, baby won't sleep in a basinette near us, and dh can't help feed him. I'm at wits end!

I have a cloth diaper collection people would kill for. All different styles, fabrics, colors, etc. But if this babe falls asleep in one (god help me) and pees in his sleep, he awakes screaming, and that's it for the nap. Including on fleece. Same thing happens if his dipe leaks and his clothes are wet. He hates any wetness at all. I actually put a seventh gen sposie on him when I hope he'll fall asleep just to buy myself some peace.
:

This would suck badly enough if it weren't for me having a 2 yr old too. Poor ds1 gets shafted. He ends up watching way too many videos (though he loves them) and not getting enough attention. And I'm crabby and impatient toward him even when he's not being unreasonable.. just a toddler. I *should* find a mother's helper for him. Not really comfortable with that though. I feel like such a trainwreck that I don't want to invite anyone over to seem me suffer and struggle as a parent. With 1 kid, I was super-mom, with a super-kid, and now I just suck. I'm haggard-looking, 25 lbs heavier than my prepregnancy wt (i know it takes a while to lose it, but I plateaued a month ago). I hardly get a chance to shower. I want to cry a lot. My body aches everywhere from lack of sleep and from carrying a baby all day, every day.

Today I admitted to my dh (who has been taking time off from work to save me) that I sometimes resent having this new baby. I wanted this baby SO BADLY and am having such a hard time. That the time I spent with hyperemesis on the couch last year while preg could have been better spent doing enriching things with ds1. That I should be working on my masters/phd researching something that matters, where my work would be appreciated. I want to run away and live by myself somewhere remote with beautiful gardens. Maybe raise a few chickens, sheep and rabbits. I hate how I feel right now.

I've talked to my midwife and my family practice dr about this.. they recommend getting help and more sleep & exercise (duh). Dr recommends putting baby on a schedule (4 hrs), insisting on bottles/pacifiers to give me a break. Not co-sleeping.
: DH thinks I need sleep. I think I need drugs. Other than getting drugs and more sleep, I really can't see through the trees and none of these things seem to help. I have a consult with a pedi on friday to discuss the possibility of GERD. I really doubt he has that though, and I'll probably just get an earfull about the same crap I've been advised from the others, not to mention defending why we haven't started vax yet.


I used to get angry when my mom told me how she doped us up with paragoric when we were 'colicky' or teething. Paragoric is a narcotic. Now I really wish it was still on the market for babies. I'm that desperate.
:

I can't even think of a way to get out of this. It seems so permanent. I'm so unhappy.... How do I fix the constant nursing and sleep problems?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,142 Posts
I'm sorry you are going through this. just a suggestion, maybe you could visit the PPD forum? there are so many nice mamas there ready to offer their advice..

I have not been in your situation, but I think you need someone to help you out more. I don't think that not bf'ing, or crib-sleeping is going to help you, because I think your baby is still too young, and he needs you. If he is a high needs or fussy baby, have you read Dr. Sears fussy baby book?

Also, if he in fact is high needs, then you definetely need more help & time to yourself so that you can cope with this. I recommend pumping and giving that milk to baby if you are about to flip out and need to disconnect.

I'm sorry I don't have any more advice, and I hope it gets better for you.

's
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,952 Posts
From my pre-natal breastfeeding class notes, the growth spurts come at:

10 days
3 weeks
6 weeks
3 months
6 months

Your baby may still be nursing extra because of the 3 month growth spurt. If you think about it, if there is one at 10 days and one at three weeks, they sort of blend together. Then there is one at 6 weeks and one at three months--those are also close together. You could really feel like you are nursing constantly!

But maybe the constant nursing will let up a bit shortly, if it corresponds to the growth spurt thing.

If your breast is sore, you might have a latch issue and it might be a good thing to see an IBCLC.

I don't have great advice otherwise, I was working outside the home FT when my son was this age. Also it was my first (also a superbaby!) I hope you can get some relief. My dh has a great rocking routine to get the baby to sleep when I'm not here, he uses music and dances with him. Perhaps your dh can try that. Good bonding time for them.

I recall that at three months my sweetie still got the screaming meemies in the evenings, so that's something to keep in mind also. This may all be a passing phase!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,008 Posts
Quote:

Originally Posted by loving-my-babies
I
Also, if he in fact is high needs, then you definetely need more help & time to yourself so that you can cope with this. I recommend pumping and giving that milk to baby if you are about to flip out and need to disconnect.

I'm sorry I don't have any more advice, and I hope it gets better for you.

's

I have to say, if you are looking for rest and more time, then pumping is not the answer. It only adds to the time you are tied down, not to mention how difficult it is to pump and run after a toddler (I know from personal experience). It will likely end up being more stressful than just nursing in the first place.

To the OP, I'm sorry you are going through this velcro-baby phase. My first was like this, but I didn't have a toddler to chase after either. I second the recommendation for the Dr. Sears book. It was incredibly validating. Is it possible for you to nurse lying down? That way, at least, you can rest while the baby nurses.

I would also urge you to get a mother's helper. I know you said you weren't comfortable with it, but if you are in the house (even in the same room), it can give your toddler a playmate while you deal with the baby. It might ease some of your guilt and stress. I would think that would be better than television, kwim?

I understand feeling touched out. I really, really do. I'm sorry you are having a hard time. It does get easier. Try to take some time every day to yourself. Take a nice bubble bath or go out for a walk. Maybe put the baby in a stroller and walk. You didn't mention if he will tolerate that.

mama. Hang in there.

Bec
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,828 Posts
I feel your desperation.

Something my husband taught me when I was feeling overwhelmed and resentful was that a happy baby depends on a happy mommy. He told me I needed to take time to take care of myself or I would have nothing left to give my kids. He likened it to a car running on gasoline. He said if you never stop to refill the tank you will eventually be running on fumes, and then you'll just be fuming.

So I started carving out time for myself each day. 2 hours a day. He watches the kids. No matter what is happening with them or what kind of problems they are having, I do not deal with them. He doesn't always do things the way I want, but he tries really hard, and the best part is that he keeps the kids from coming to me when they have a need or problem.

On Saturdays, I take my "mommy day". At 8am I leave the house and I come back at 2pm. When I get home I am dying to be with the kids. It restores me for the entire week.

Imagine the feeling of looking forward to being with the baby instead of dreading the feeling of resentment.

You gotta make yourself happy, and your baby will be happy. Don't get so caught up in the label of being AP that you forget to take care of your needs too. Do the very best you can, and do what's right for you. It's much better for baby, in my opinion, than doing everything perfectly AP only to feel what you're feeling.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,683 Posts
Just wanted to give a

My first nursed constantly and drove me nutty-tried the same things you mentioned and I finally just had to leave for an hr or so in the eve when DH came home to regain some sanity-maybe you could nap at a friends house-seriously. It's no use to be at home since they have a way of sensing you and you hear crying anyway. He was also a cat napper all day which made for some delerious moments-let me tell ya!
I wish I had more to offer but with my son it was around 4 mos that he started to let up nursing and "kind of" have a schedule. It's great that you have a supportive DH-that's so important!
Just wanted to let you know you're not alone but you do need to get away at least an hr every day to nap or whatever-it's really important for all of you so don't put it off!
Ann
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,142 Posts
Quote:

Originally Posted by bec
I have to say, if you are looking for rest and more time, then pumping is not the answer. It only adds to the time you are tied down, not to mention how difficult it is to pump and run after a toddler (I know from personal experience). It will likely end up being more stressful than just nursing in the first place.

not in my case, actually. My ds is #2, and I work p/t to get out of the house a couple hours a week, and pumping for me is quite relaxing and it does give me a break. when all you want to do (in the OP's case) is to have a break fron nursing, IMO pumping is a good idea, and havind dh feed the bm to baby, so you can go out for a while and clear your head.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,270 Posts
I'm so sorry you're going through all of this! But you know, a lot of his behavior sounds very typical of a 3-month-old. He could be teething, GERD, growth spurt, any number of things, the bottom line is it makes life hell for you right now.

I do have a couple of small suggestions that I hoped might help you!

1. Slinging - you said DS doesn't like the sling. What positions have you tried? Some babies don't like the cradle hold, so you might want to try the snuggle hold or the kangaroo. Also, make sure you get moving right after you put him in the sling. Babies, especially at that age, do NOT like you to be sitting still while in the sling, espeically at first. Stick him in there and start moving around and doing stuff. If he tolerates it, try to put him in there and go out somewhere like the mall which will really soothe and distract him. The snuggle hold is great.

2. Putting down to sleep - Dr. Sears had some great, simple advice. When you're trying to put your baby to sleep, and they wake as soon as you put them down, then wait longer before putting them down. Nurse him to sleep (orwhatever you normally do), and wait until he's asleep, and then wait a bit longer, until he gets to the limp-limb phase.
His muscles should all be relaxed, no twitching, etc. I can tell when DS is in this phase because his head falls back and his mouth opens slightly. THEN you can gently put them down and it's hard to wake them up doing so.

That is all of the advice I have, other than hang in there! It really does sound like the little guy might be going through a growth spurt. I don't think you should put too much pressure on yourself to do things a certain way. I think a lot of parents go through a really tough time and then they realize, hey, I need to do whatever is going to get me through this! My DS wakes up several times a night at 7 months still (he slept much better at 3 months) and I came to realize, hey, I don't care if this guy falls asleep on me, if we cosleep, WHATEVER, as long as I get some goshdarn sleep! I don't really care anymore if I'm cultivating certain habits I'll regret later, or if I'm not doing things like I planned (or like I promised DH, which is to have DS in the crib).

I'm so sorry you're going through this, but I think time will be the best remedy for the situation!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
750 Posts
Been there, felt that.

I only have one, but she was colicky, and still is HN. I did not begin to enjoy her at all until 4 months. I won't bore you with the details, but I can relate to your feelings!

Things WILL get better, but the goal is to survive until then with sanity more or less intact. Get help! Swallow your pride and get a mother's helper.

Pump some milk, and leave dh with a bottle and a syringe. Go out for 2-3 hrs BY YOURSELF. Baby won't starve in that time even if nothing is eaten.

Do what you need to do to get by. A crazy mom is not an effective mom. Saying this as someone who has felt pushed to the edge.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
713 Posts
I also had a high-needs ds, and it took me months to find help/advice/techniques that actually worked. I have to go pick up ds, so I can't write long, but a couple suggestions:

for a bottle, the only one that worked for us is a Meleda Haberman feeder. I've written about this before, so you can do a search on the boards. Ds rejected every other nipple, but he actually let dh nurse him to sleep with this one.

Also I highly recommend the Amby Baby Hammock for babies that wake easily when they are put down. It's the only way I got any rest during the early months.

Hope things get better soon!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,490 Posts
Wow, your description of your baby brings back memories. Maybe I was lucky that I started out with the high needs baby since I didn't know things were different for other people till later on, LOL! If you are looking for a book on sleep, "The No Cry Sleep Solution" by Elizabeth Pantley is an AP-friendly book that might give you some ideas.

Get the mother's helper, a.s.a.p.! As long as you're in the house, even a younger teenager could work out (and they are cheap). A friend of mine has a responsible 13 year-old as a mother's helper once a week. Her son LOVES the babysitter because she's fun and bubbly and plays with him. And if that time would just be spent on videos anyway, then it's better to have a helper who'll play! Or if you want to be able to leave eventually, get someone older and more trustworthy for complex situations. You can interview them and then watch them with your child to see if you feel comfortable. When I was in college my dorm published a babysitter contact list that moms in the area would use. You might check your local college for something like that if you have one.

Back to the videos - don't knock yourself out over letting your older child watch them. Sure, 14 hours a day of videos would be bad, but something tells me that isn't the case here. Most all of us go through periods of time when our kids watch more videos than usual. When things are going better then you can scale back. It won't be this hard forever, I promise.

This may sound stupid, but I co-slept and found that if I turned and faced away from the baby (with my back to her), the smell of milk wasn't as alluring. Also, on occasion I'd go and sleep in the guest bed after the baby was down and she would wake less (this was when she was older, like 9 months). I think it's kind of like how adults think they want pizza when they smell it cooking - you're only hungry b/c you smelled yummy food in the air.

One thing - you mentioned that one hour is way too long for it to take a 3-month old to go to sleep. I only have one child and don't have a lot of experience with babies, but it took at LEAST that long to get our sleep-fighting DD to sleep until she was much older than that. Often it took longer. (Now she is 3 and it still feels like forever with the ritual of reading books, telling a story, snuggling, etc.!)

Can your DH get the baby to sleep? That was my lifesaver. DH would walk DD around and sing to her. I will warn you that doing that creates another routine that is hard to break, but it saved my aching nipples and divided the nighttime parenting up a little bit, which is only fair.

I also had fantasies about paragoric when DD was a babe. You could talk to a naturopath about trying products like chamomile-based relaxers for kids or Bach's Rescue Remedy. Even a few drops of chamomile tea might help. I don't know how young you can use them, but I distinctly remember giving the chamomile calm stuff to DD when she was a baby and it definitely mellowed her out.

Hang in there. Ask for and be willing to receive all the help and support you can get at this tough time. You deserve it.

Warmly,
Carol
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
271 Posts
WOW. I could have written your post word for word a few months ago. Actually, I'm pretty sure I did.

Zoe was/is(?) very high needs and my entire day consisted of getting her to sleep and keeping her to sleep. She slept so poorly that she was overtired and miserable the entire time she was awake. I also have a 2-year old who spent a whole lot of time watching Noggin and getting fussed at by me. I was consumed with guilt about how our difficulty was Zoe was affecting him -- so much so that we resorted to trying CIO with Zoe, in hopes of helping us be better parents to Ean. CIO didn't work and we stopped after a week or so. It was a *very* difficult time for all of us. I was miserable, crabby, irritable, and resentful. I was having thoughts of going outside and walking in front of a car -- not because I wanted to die, but because I needed some time off and a few weeks in the hospital seemed like a vacation compared to what I was living at home.

I eventually realized that I needed some help. I saw a doctor (psychiatrist) and got diagnosed with PPD (no surprise) and started a course of zoloft. I've been on it about a month and I feel like a different person (actually, I feel like myself again). I've also started to look for ways to take a little time for myself -- I started seeing a therapist, which forces me to spend 90 minutes each week away from the house/kids. I realized that it HAS to be OK to leave the kids with Rich for a little while, so I can get out and recharge. Some mommas here might not agree with me, but I think it's OK to leave a clean, dry, fed baby with daddy -- even if he cries about. Dad can hold, walk, rock a crying baby. Crying in-arms is not the same as CIO -- and the arms don't always have to be mom's.

The other thing that happened is that Zoe has gradually gotten a bit easier (she almost 8 months). She's never taken a bottle, but she's now eating some solids. We're back to co-sleeping -- I don't love it, but she's at least sleeping and not nursing all night. I've found that she'll stay asleep for naps if I keep her in the boppy and set her on the couch. She's also starting to be able to spend more time awake -- she used to be ready to go to sleep after about 2 to 2.5 hours of awake time, now she spends up to 5 hours awake before getting tired. As a result, I think she's consolidating her sleep as well. I never, ever, ever thought things would get better -- but they are!!!

BIG, BIG HUGS to you. Please do some things to take care of yourself and know that it won't be like this forever.

 

·
Registered
Joined
·
757 Posts
I'm sorry that you're struggling so hard out there, mama!! I know at times this mothering thing seems so overwhelming and exhausting. I think I was sleep deprived for many, many months. It's amazing how much better I felt when I actually got sleep. And one day, you really will sleep again!
I think I hit my breaking point right around when you are. That 3month marker can be so hard! To be perfectly honest, there were moments when I seriously talked with my DH about placing my sweet, darling, amazing baby for adoption. I just felt like I wasn't capable of parenting and not losing my mind at the same time. Thankfully, I worked my way out of that feeling and DS got easier, but I've totally been there. I know it was my PPD talking, not me but it was so scary to feel that way about my baby.
I agree with the other women that you have to find ways to take care of yourself. One thing that saved me was having all these great women in my life who could come and help me. I had to get away from my baby for awhile. I needed to get out in the world and be a human being, instead of a pacifier. Do you have friends who could watch the baby, even just for a few quick hours a week?
I think the mama's helper idea is a good one too. If you have someone that could help around the house or hang out with your kids for a bit, maybe you could rest?? I'm sure you need it.
I don't have any great wisdom about the sleep issue. I think that the Dr.Sears book was helpful. We didn't co-sleep but the rest of the material about getting a baby to sleep worked. I did a lot of reading from different sources about sleep and sort of pieced together something that seemed to work for us.
The best I can tell you is that this WILL get easier for you. Try not to be so hard on yourself. Your 2yr old will be fine. You'll find your way. Get some help, Rebecca and keep writing. I'm thinking of you!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
272 Posts
s to you mama.

Sounds to me like you're doing a great job as an AP mama. I try to remember
that I am never given more than I can handle at any given time, and if you're
blessed with a high-needs baby, then you probably have the inner strength
to handle it.

Your dh seems to be helpful, taking time off of work. What does he actually
DO during teh day, though? Maybe you should determine 2-3 concrete goals
that would help you feel better on a daily basis--and then evaluate your "success"
that day on those goals, instead of being the "perfect" AP mama-ideal, who seems
to only exist for the purpose of the rest of us feeling bad about ourselves.

For me, I needed to take a shower each morning, have 3 decent meals
per day, and get out for at least a 10-minute walk (with or without ds).
For the first 2 months, those are the ONLY things I made it a point to do
everyday (besides nursing, etc.) and my dh made sure I did them.
My mom and MIL were also here to pick up the slack here and there.

For you, obviously, time with your ds is also important. Can your dh take
your newborn for a walk or give a bath so that you can have time alone with
your older child? Do you have another adult around to do laundry, dinner,
etc., so that dh can help wiht the parenting stuff?

Frankly, it burns me up when people question their dh's right to be with his
child. It's HIS child too. 1/2 his child. Obviously the newborn is initially more
attached to mama but it's not like the mama took a parenting test either.
Anyway, off my soapbox.

s again to you mama. Having a newborn is always hard and must be
even harder with another little one around. Remember that your mothering
of ds for the past few years has not been forgotten--you have put your
investments into the AP bank, so to speak, and your relationship with
ds will NOT be ruined b/c he gets more time with daddy for a few months.

Take good care of yourself--remember that a new kind of motherhood has
been born along with your newborn and that your vision of AP motherhood
will (by necessity) change a little bit as well. That doesn't mean it's worse,
just different.

And congrats on your new little one!

Priya :)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,445 Posts
I'm getting in on this late but just wanted to give
Having a hnb is sooo hard. My DS was the screaming non sleeping velcro type too and I didn't have a toddler to take care of too.

My suggestion is to find time every day to do something that makes you happy. Sit down and make a list of things that you enjoy doing. When I was in the depths of PPD I couldn't even remember that anything had ever made me happy. Then make DH or someone take both kiddos for a while every day so you can do one of those things.

It does seem like things will never change and it's so hard taking care of a hnb. I know lots of people don't agree with using antidepressants but they really saved my life and made things bearable. It's the worst feeling in the world to hate and love your baby at the same time.

Also, the amby baby hammock allowed me to put him down to sleep. it was worth every penny!!) And DH took way more than his share--many hours every night, so I could sleep. I could have written your post too, plus my DS had heart surgery at 3 months old so it didn't get better for a long while. It was endless hours of getting him to sleep and keeping him asleep. Once we got the amby at around 5.5 months old he'd sleep there for 45 minutes or so, BLISS!!! and then sometimes go back to sleep in the sling for another half hour. He was king of the 15-20 minute naps (even while being held) before that.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,822 Posts
I Have a very high needs baby too, and just in case you havent tried these things, these are what have worked for me and my fussy baby who is now 4 months old.(they may not be very AP friendly but what is sanity compared to AP?)
We tried co-sleeping, crib sleeping, neither worked. So now he sleeps in the infant carrier seat next to our bed. I strap him in, rock him in it and he goes to sleep most of the time. Also the swing has been a life saver. I know its not very AP friendly but I swear by the Fisher Price Ocean Aquarium sing. It is the only thing that got me through 3 months of colic. DS would cry for a minute in it and I would wash dishes and then poof he was asleep. Also as for bottle DS will only drink from a dr. brown's bottle, or a podee. I have no idea why but he likes them. And as for pacifiers if I lay down on the couch and lay DS face down on my belly and stick a NUK style pacifier in his mouth and keep it there he fusses a little but eventually goes asleep, and then I do. Also if I am right next to him I put him on his stomach to sleep and sometimes he does. I only do this if I'm right next to him.
I think you are doing a great job. You sound so dedicated! And tune anyone out who tells you "Welcome to motherhood" when you tell them how tired you are.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
533 Posts
I'm sure you wouldn't be at the end of your rope if you hadn't tried next to everything already. I remember what it was like to be feeding bag to my constantly fussy, thankless DD. Never brushing my teeth or eating until DP came home in the evening. Not being able to take the "me time" that everybody said I needed because she would not EVER take a supplemental bottle (and there was no nipple or bottle that was going to change her mind about it). She didn't want me to sling her, to rock her, to walk her. As long as I was nearby, she took any other form of "comfort" as a slap in the face. Everything that wasn't the breast was a denial of the breast, as far as she was concerned. And she wanted it every hour, day and night. She nursed for 40 minutes at a time, so that meant 20 minute breaks! Day and night! and she played with it, gnawed on it, lapped at it until my nipples were bright pink and stung when I changed clothing or got in the shower. I remember resenting her, and resenting other people with their 'easy' babies and their casual, friendly advice, because of course I'd tried it all already.
I remember coming home from the supermarket the first time I left dd with her father, to find them both red faced with tears streaming down their faces. And the thing is, the whole time I was gone I knew that that's what I would come home to. Some "me time"! I didn't do it again for a long time!
This is the power of a high needs baby.
You do anything that you think you can to save yourself and your household, even abandoning AP if it helps. Nobody else can walk in your shoes right now, so you just do whatever you need to... but I want to suggest, without judgement, that you may have a rude awakening coming if you think that turning away from AP will make things any better! That proximity to you (and yes, your breasts) may be the only thing keeping your adorable parasite from innocently wrecking that last little shred of sanity you're holding on to!
We tried the CIO method. It was a nightmare. Not only for baby, but for mom and dad as well. Crib sleeping? Ditto. And weaning was the worst. It took 5 full months of a power struggle so ugly that I still hate the thought of it. We were at war with an infant, trying to force her to be the serene person she just wasn't capable of being.
DD is still sleeping in the bed, still wants to be held and cuddled all of the time... of course, now it's adorable. Now I feel like she's growing up too fast, and I regret ever ebing in a hurry to make her grow up faster. All I can say is that there may not be a solution in the immediate future, because I don't think there is ever a "solution" to personality. Your baby is who he is, but if it's any consolation:
My almost-4-y/o Olivia is the most independent, free spirited, brave and loving child I have ever known. Since infancy she has never thrown a single temper tantrum. There were no terrible 2s, no T3's... she is bright, cheerful, and outgoing. She never has to be prompted to share a toy or forgive another childs inconsiderate behavior. That mean and crabby little thing bloomed overnight into a baby who would light up the faces of stranger after stranger while I carried her down the corridor in the mall or the shopping aisle of the grocery store... just by beaming her eager, enthusiastic smile at them.
Believe me, she is still as strong-willed as ever, but she's never unkind or "bratty". There are some tears when she's sleepy, but she understands that no means no and that good behavior is rewarded; she also has the empathy and maturity to understand that good behavior is just right, whether it's rewarded or not. And I think that her spirit of independence and her ability to rationalize and to sense right and wrong... I think it all comes from the same place that the screaming and crying came from, way back when.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
267 Posts
Rebecca,
I had a real laugh as I read your post and the other moms of high needs babies.. I laughed until I cried because it brought back memories of my son , now 2.4 years old. Every word of your post went through my mind at one tim eor another and I considermyself a very loving parent!

I don't think you have PPD as one or more mom suggested...I remember feeling the same way when he cried.. and I knew that all he wanted was to nurse.

I would fall asleep with him nursing and I would dream that something was playing with my nipple. In my dream I would keep smacking it away, but it would keep twittering away. I would wake up to find him still nursing.. not drinking, but that infernal, horrible, twitching and sucking at the nipple. I had more dreams, but the worst was that I looked at my nipples and they where flayed into little strings.

What is worse is that Leandros was born at home, never taken away, breast fed and co slept.. but whenever he awoke ( without breast in mouth) he awoke screaming. There was nothing that would persuade him otherwise when he wanted breast.

I knew I wanted to AP before I even knew what AP was. My pre baby fantasy was that love and closeness and all that good stuff would ensure that he was a happy baby. Boy was I in for a surprise. By the second week of his life, he could recognize if anyone other than Dad or I was holding him and he would SCREAM. Nobody could make him stop crying, not even my husband's loving family who are all baby-skilled. What was worse was the constant attack from my mom who told me that I was "making him this way" with my parenting. ( her option? Cry it out, and use a bottle so she could bottle fed. This she said would make him less dependant on me)
What is more, he decided that he didn't like to be around people and he would scream constantly until we would start saying goodby. ( as young as 3 weeks he would stop crying when we said goodby to people.. so I know that he KNEW what he was doing)
This was terrible for me as I am very social. I love to visit and talk, but my son would have nothing of it.

Looking back, I would not parent any other way. I don't think I would do anything different.. except one thing.. Someone here said crying it out in arms is not a bad thing and I agree. I would have gotten away more.. for a shower, a bath, a walk and even.. GOD forbid, a nap, and let someone take care of him even if it meant letting him cry in the loving arms of Grandma, or Daddy. I think some sleep and a break from nipple rasping would do you wonders.

I have a 3 week old daughter now and boy is she different. Nurses, sleeps, laughs in her sleep and lets everyone hold her. Same parenting, different baby.

Rebecca, e-mail me directly if you need some side-chat, or support through this difficult time. I understand very well the feeling that " I am doing everything right, why is everything soooo wrong!"

I would also like to know how you are doing now. it is a month after your post and I am wondering where you are at.. any feed back from you would help moms who are/ or will be struggling with their high needs babies in the future.
Barbara
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
18,562 Posts
I know how you feel in a lot of ways, except I did pump and it was really, really HARD. I felt like I was feeding 2 babies. Gave up after awhile.

If your baby doesn't like the sling, try a front carrier. You can buy a Snugli for pretty cheap and until the baby gets to be heavier they are comfortable. My baby has reflux and can't tolerate the sling at all, it pushes on her tummy the wrong way. She loved her Snugli though, and now she's graduated to a frame backpack.

She also used to be a poor sleeper until we got her on the right reflux meds, and wanted to suck constantly. Since I bottlefed from birth she got pacis, but she had to have her pacis.

I remember how exhausted I was before we got dd's reflux dx and treated. I too resented her big time. I mean I loved her but resented her because of the same reasons you mentioned. And she screamed all the time, was never happy. I had no idea why not until she was dx, and sometimes I would swaddle her, put her in the bouncy, and shut the door so I couldn't hear her screaming. It was that bad. And I'm normally a very AP mom.

I don't want to blame a baby problems on reflux but might be something you want to check out. I also found that making fennel tea and giving it to her helped her some.

Darshani
 
1 - 20 of 23 Posts
Top