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Rebecca,
I had a real laugh as I read your post and the other moms of high needs babies.. I laughed until I cried because it brought back memories of my son , now 2.4 years old. Every word of your post went through my mind at one tim eor another and I considermyself a very loving parent!

I don't think you have PPD as one or more mom suggested...I remember feeling the same way when he cried.. and I knew that all he wanted was to nurse.

I would fall asleep with him nursing and I would dream that something was playing with my nipple. In my dream I would keep smacking it away, but it would keep twittering away. I would wake up to find him still nursing.. not drinking, but that infernal, horrible, twitching and sucking at the nipple. I had more dreams, but the worst was that I looked at my nipples and they where flayed into little strings.

What is worse is that Leandros was born at home, never taken away, breast fed and co slept.. but whenever he awoke ( without breast in mouth) he awoke screaming. There was nothing that would persuade him otherwise when he wanted breast.

I knew I wanted to AP before I even knew what AP was. My pre baby fantasy was that love and closeness and all that good stuff would ensure that he was a happy baby. Boy was I in for a surprise. By the second week of his life, he could recognize if anyone other than Dad or I was holding him and he would SCREAM. Nobody could make him stop crying, not even my husband's loving family who are all baby-skilled. What was worse was the constant attack from my mom who told me that I was "making him this way" with my parenting. ( her option? Cry it out, and use a bottle so she could bottle fed. This she said would make him less dependant on me)
What is more, he decided that he didn't like to be around people and he would scream constantly until we would start saying goodby. ( as young as 3 weeks he would stop crying when we said goodby to people.. so I know that he KNEW what he was doing)
This was terrible for me as I am very social. I love to visit and talk, but my son would have nothing of it.

Looking back, I would not parent any other way. I don't think I would do anything different.. except one thing.. Someone here said crying it out in arms is not a bad thing and I agree. I would have gotten away more.. for a shower, a bath, a walk and even.. GOD forbid, a nap, and let someone take care of him even if it meant letting him cry in the loving arms of Grandma, or Daddy. I think some sleep and a break from nipple rasping would do you wonders.

I have a 3 week old daughter now and boy is she different. Nurses, sleeps, laughs in her sleep and lets everyone hold her. Same parenting, different baby.

Rebecca, e-mail me directly if you need some side-chat, or support through this difficult time. I understand very well the feeling that " I am doing everything right, why is everything soooo wrong!"

I would also like to know how you are doing now. it is a month after your post and I am wondering where you are at.. any feed back from you would help moms who are/ or will be struggling with their high needs babies in the future.
Barbara
 
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