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I feel your desperation.

Something my husband taught me when I was feeling overwhelmed and resentful was that a happy baby depends on a happy mommy. He told me I needed to take time to take care of myself or I would have nothing left to give my kids. He likened it to a car running on gasoline. He said if you never stop to refill the tank you will eventually be running on fumes, and then you'll just be fuming.

So I started carving out time for myself each day. 2 hours a day. He watches the kids. No matter what is happening with them or what kind of problems they are having, I do not deal with them. He doesn't always do things the way I want, but he tries really hard, and the best part is that he keeps the kids from coming to me when they have a need or problem.

On Saturdays, I take my "mommy day". At 8am I leave the house and I come back at 2pm. When I get home I am dying to be with the kids. It restores me for the entire week.

Imagine the feeling of looking forward to being with the baby instead of dreading the feeling of resentment.

You gotta make yourself happy, and your baby will be happy. Don't get so caught up in the label of being AP that you forget to take care of your needs too. Do the very best you can, and do what's right for you. It's much better for baby, in my opinion, than doing everything perfectly AP only to feel what you're feeling.
 
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