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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I am SO frustrated and have HAD IT. I'm bordering on actually resenting and disliking this tiny little baby of mine. My problems seem so widespread and overwhelming that I didn't know where to post this or how to look at my issues rationally. Evan is 3 mos and a week right now. I feel like I just can't do it and want to give him away (not really, but I'm really struggling).

I hate nursing this baby. Well, to rephrase, I hate that he wants to suck on me all day long, and all night too. I can't just hold him... he wants to climb into my shirt and suck/pacify himself...ALL DAY LONG. I hate it. When he nurses to actually get milk, I'm happy, and that's fine. But the constant sucking is like chinese water torture. I reach a breaking point where I just want him away from me, and I'm not particularly nice about it. He gets so angry when I offer him a pacifier (tried all shapes and styles), a finger, a knuckle, a toy, his fingers etc. He screams when I try anything else, comforted only by my sore, tired boob.

He won't sleep more than 15 mins or so without waking to suck on me. Rocking, walking, swaddling and holding aren't enough. Same for white noise, car rides, dark rooms, etc. Hates the sling too (tolerates the front pack, but won't sleep in it). Again, he wants boob. I'm exhausted, angry and resentful. His naps are way too short and we're both crabby and overtired a lot. I feel like I spend my whole day tring to get this bugger to sleep. And at night... we try to put him down to sleep around 8, and it takes me up to an hour some nights to get him to sleep... WAY TOO LONG for a 3 mos old baby... I nurse and rock him. He just cries/screams if I try to lay him down awake, and even that's a crapshoot... more often than not he wakes if I lie him down (he needs to be held all day and night). He sucks on me all night.. neither of us sleep. I can't live like this anymore!

He won't take an occasional bottle. Again, like pacifiers, we've tried all styles and shapes without luck (even that breastbottle... theres no bamboozling this smartie!). Co sleeping isn't working for us, baby won't sleep in a basinette near us, and dh can't help feed him. I'm at wits end!

I have a cloth diaper collection people would kill for. All different styles, fabrics, colors, etc. But if this babe falls asleep in one (god help me) and pees in his sleep, he awakes screaming, and that's it for the nap. Including on fleece. Same thing happens if his dipe leaks and his clothes are wet. He hates any wetness at all. I actually put a seventh gen sposie on him when I hope he'll fall asleep just to buy myself some peace.
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This would suck badly enough if it weren't for me having a 2 yr old too. Poor ds1 gets shafted. He ends up watching way too many videos (though he loves them) and not getting enough attention. And I'm crabby and impatient toward him even when he's not being unreasonable.. just a toddler. I *should* find a mother's helper for him. Not really comfortable with that though. I feel like such a trainwreck that I don't want to invite anyone over to seem me suffer and struggle as a parent. With 1 kid, I was super-mom, with a super-kid, and now I just suck. I'm haggard-looking, 25 lbs heavier than my prepregnancy wt (i know it takes a while to lose it, but I plateaued a month ago). I hardly get a chance to shower. I want to cry a lot. My body aches everywhere from lack of sleep and from carrying a baby all day, every day.

Today I admitted to my dh (who has been taking time off from work to save me) that I sometimes resent having this new baby. I wanted this baby SO BADLY and am having such a hard time. That the time I spent with hyperemesis on the couch last year while preg could have been better spent doing enriching things with ds1. That I should be working on my masters/phd researching something that matters, where my work would be appreciated. I want to run away and live by myself somewhere remote with beautiful gardens. Maybe raise a few chickens, sheep and rabbits. I hate how I feel right now.

I've talked to my midwife and my family practice dr about this.. they recommend getting help and more sleep & exercise (duh). Dr recommends putting baby on a schedule (4 hrs), insisting on bottles/pacifiers to give me a break. Not co-sleeping.
: DH thinks I need sleep. I think I need drugs. Other than getting drugs and more sleep, I really can't see through the trees and none of these things seem to help. I have a consult with a pedi on friday to discuss the possibility of GERD. I really doubt he has that though, and I'll probably just get an earfull about the same crap I've been advised from the others, not to mention defending why we haven't started vax yet.


I used to get angry when my mom told me how she doped us up with paragoric when we were 'colicky' or teething. Paragoric is a narcotic. Now I really wish it was still on the market for babies. I'm that desperate.
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I can't even think of a way to get out of this. It seems so permanent. I'm so unhappy.... How do I fix the constant nursing and sleep problems?
 

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Discussion Starter · #21 ·
It's been a month since I wrote that desperate post, and to my great pleasure, things have changed a lot. Thank you all for your support.

At 4 mos, baby boy seems like a different kid. He lets most anyone hold him, smiles a lot, makes raspberries, plays with his toes and laughs. His naps are longer, maybe 2-3 naps, 30-40 mins each, if I'm lucky. I still can't put him down successfully at bedtime, but we're working on that. Right now I lay with him, nurse and pat him till he falls asleep. He'll wake in about 20 mins when he realizes he's alone. Often I can just lay beside him again, talk or sing softly and pat him back to sleep. Sometimes he'll want to nurse. He and I sleep together, dh sleeps downstairs by himself. We're all ok with this situation for now. Baby wakes just 2-3 times now to nurse at night. I'm ok with that too.

He doesn't need to suck on me constantly anymore. He still needs/wants to be held all day, but will spend a few mins in an exersaucer when I need to put him down. DS1 is better about leaving us alone to nurse somewhere quiet and dark. Baby has a hard time nursing where there are any distractions, or where things look different than the bed we nurse most often in.

We called my inlaws to stay with us shortly after that desperate post. They cleaned, cooked and played with ds1 for a week, while baby and I could be together. It helped tremendously.

At the dr appt last month, when I wanted to ask for meds for silent reflux, the dr instead though baby was HUNGRY! His weight gain had dropped him from the 33% to the 7th, and she quickly diagnosed that I had a low milk supply. Now I don't know how true that is, but I spent lots of time with the lactation consultants, ate lots of fenugreek, actually took time to eat real food (!) and tried to rest. The LC I found to be the least helpful. THey (yep, I saw 2) suggested I pump all day to see what I get then bottlefeed. I thought that was a crap answer setting me up to feel like a failure. First, baby doesn't take a bottle (they had me bring 2 different ones for them to see for themselves
), second, you pump less than baby actually takes out himself, third, he needs to pacify himself on me. I thought if they were that concerned about how many oz I produce, they could rent me a hospital grade scale and I could weigh him before and after a feeding.

Anyway, the pediatrician recommended I offer him some cereal, though I had planned to wait till 6 mos, it helps a bit too. He LOVES it mixed with some mashed banana. Whether his problems were truly because I wasnt' taking care of myself, got run down and therefore had low milk supply, or it's coincidence, but Baby's weight gain is back where they're happy, baby isn't as fussy, and I'm not crazy.

DH can hold him for a little while so I can shower, pay bills, or just do whatever it is that I need to. I'm not ready to go out for more than an hour without babe, but I dont' think that's necessary anyway. I would really like to sew again, but I think that's still a while off.

So, we're all happier now. Actually, I'm wondering about having a third!

But we'll wait a year or so to see how everything goes
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