[Beauchamp]

I don't hate my DH. Yes, we have issues. We live in a remote area with no family or friends nearby. He travels for business 50% of the time, leaving me in aforementioned remote area with the baby. We don't really communicate. Well, *I* do. I have to talk about things when they bother me right away. DH bottles it up. We don't do much together besides the logistics of everyday life. When we first got together, things were exciting. Now...not so much.<br><br>
We've known each other for 9 years, been married for almost 3. We spent the first part of our marriage apart (him working in TX, me in grad school in MD.) Before that he deployed to Iraq. We finally were able to live together in '08, and about five months later I was pregnant with DD. We are not intimate at all anymore, even in non sexual ways. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br>
So...now he says "I love you" on the phone, etc, and I find that I can't/don't say it back. I don't have any anger toward him. I just don't think I love him. What is wrong with me? He didn't do anything wrong. I think we just fizzled out. I find myself wondering what my life would be like if we separated, wondering if I'd be happier. I feel like I am just here because we have DD now, and because it would devastate so many people if we split up. But then I wonder if that is a reason to stay together, possibly giving up a happier life for myself.<br><br>
Did I fall out of love? Is it possible for love to simply fade away? Am I being totally selfish?

 

[texmati]

I was about to post that I had not been married that long, but I have the same stats as you-- DH and I have been together for 9 years, and have been married 3 years.<br><br>
My best piece of marriage advice is that you don't commit to each other because you love each other, you love each other because you are committed.<br><br>
If it were me, I'd try to renew my promise to DH, work on our marriage, and let the good feelings follow.<br><br>
I think DH and I have a good marriage, but there have been times that I have felt similar to what you describe. At that time, I feel I have a choice-- I choose my family, and to work toward a happier life together.<br><br>
(All this is of course in the absence of being in an abusive relationship)<br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">s

 

[New_Natural_Mom]

First off, if I were in your situation I would make more of an effort on my part to invest myself in the marriage. It sounds like you are pulling away from the marriage, try doing things yourself to strengthen it. Schedule a date night (even if it is at home with your LO sleeping and you and DH have a romantic dinner or something in another room). Try to connect with him more. Talk to him. Try to draw out what he is feeling.<br><br>
I think there are times in a marriage when one or both partners start to feel disconnected. If it is a good marriage and worth saving, definitely give it a shot. If it doesn't work, then you can try separating.<br><br>
Maybe moving to a different area might help. I know it is hard when a partner travels a lot.

 

[doubledutch]

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Beauchamp</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15358046"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Is it possible for love to simply fade away? Am I being totally selfish?</div>
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first question - not only is it possible, imo, it's inevitable if nobody's tending and nurturing the love. it takes work.<br><br>
second question - no. if anything, taking some time for yourself is probably the best thing you can do right now, because you sound really down. if you don't feel good within yourself, how can you feel good in/about the relationship? maybe it feels selfish to wonder what your life would be like without him, but i don't think it is. i think you dream big about what your life would ideally be like, and then ask yourself whether leaving the marriage is really necessary to get there and/or what steps you could take toward your ideal life right now, other than walking away from your marriage. clearly, you're not just dumping him, or you wouldn't be asking these questions. i don't think you're being selfish.<br><br>
some other questions (to think about, not necessarily to answer here):<br><b><br>
what can you do to make some friends?</b> maybe a parenting group/playdate, maybe a class just for you, maybe church, maybe story time at the library - it depends on what appeals to you. it should be something you enjoy because that way you're also doing some of that self-nurturing to get back to a better place emotionally.<br><br><b>why is there no intimacy (physical or emotional)?</b> what happens? if he's the one shutting you out, is he willing to talk about it (probably with a counselor)? if you are the one shutting him out, what would you need from him in order to want to reestablish emotional and physical intimacy? have you expressed that need? or do you need help even identifying what it is (in which case, individual counseling would probably be useful)?<br><br><b>are you sure he didn't do anything wrong?</b> did he betray you in some small ways that have added up over time to create this barrier? do you feel abandoned? when you need to "get things out" right away, does he make it out to be no big deal, so that you end up feeling unheard and unloved? he says he loves you, but does he act loving toward you?<br><br>
you may be right in ending your marriage but there is a lot to explore and it would probably be premature at this point to say things just fizzled out. if the marriage was worth entering in the first place, it's probably worth some effort to rebuild it - or at least in the process, you can figure out what went wrong, so that you don't repeat the pattern in later relationships.

 

[GuildJenn]

My husband and I went through a difficult phase a while ago (we've been married 16 yrs this August). I had advice to behave "as if." Behave as if you have those great feelings - all the things you 'would' do if only you felt like it, do them. It did us a world of good, truly.

 

[Subhuti]

Here's a question a therapist once asked me when I was feeling estranged from my spouse once we had two little ones:<br><br>
"Imagine you have a wonderful sitter who has offered to watch your babies for a weekend. You have an = all- expense paid weekend at a local spa with your husband. Would you enjoy being with him? Would you two have fun? Would there be something there?"<br><br>
When I realized the answer was YES to all three questions ... I realized it was more our circumstances (two little kids, no time alone ever) rather than the lack of love, that was causing our estrangement.<br><br>
So ask yourself these questions ... it may help you discern what is what!<br><br>
(((((hug))))<br><br>
Liz

 

[windsorheightsmom]

I think it's too soon for you to throw in the towel on your marriage. Long and frequent separations are tough on relationships, and it will probably take a lot of work on both sides to develop that intimacy again, but it sounds like it's worth trying.<br><br>
I think our culture feeds into this magical "happy ever after" fairy tale about marriage, but if you talk to someone honest who's been married for a long time (30, 40, 50 years), she will tell you that marriages have ebbs and flows. I don't think anyone maintains that exciting "in love" feeling continuously for her whole life, but that doesn't mean you can't become more fulfilled in the marriage again.