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This is a different issue than has recently been floated here, and basically I just need to vent. I am so frustrated, fed up, etc with my husband. He likes to stay up late (1 or 2 a.m., or later) at least 3 nights/week, and then is, of course, too tired to get up with our 4yo DS and me in the morning. On occasion, DH gets up with DS, but mostly it's me doing the morning child tending, breakfast, amusements, etc. Then when DH is ready to roll out of bed, we're on totally different stages of the morning and we don't really mesh until noon, at which point DH is ready to do stuff, and DS and I are ready for lunch, so we're off kilter again, and DH is frustrated waiting on us to eat, etc.<br><br>
DH did the same thing last night, and got up promptly in the morning, grumpily, and now is taking a nap. He plans to work on our never-ending home remodeling project for a couple hours when he wakes up. Which we agreed we're going to buckle down and FINISH this weekend. I am dubious due to the sluggishness that has gone before.<br><br>
DH works about 20h/week; I work 32h/wk. I am tired of picking up all the slack! DH is very emphatic that we must move to a rural property. But I'm thinking--how does he think we can manage an acreage, outbuildings, livestock, and a huge garden, when we can't keep up with our little city lot and community garden plot??<br><br>
DH is quite defensive when I ask him this, and/or to change his sleep pattern to better accommodate family needs.<br><br>
I feel constantly overwhelmed. DH dumped a ton of old mail and papers on our dining room table for *me* to sort, and I haven't gotten it all done because our wonderful spirited and bored DS wants 110% of my attention.<br><br>
I am worn out by my life, and I feel so little is getting accomplished. Any suggestions?
 

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Is your DH depressed by any chance?<br><br>
I too stay up late and used to sleep away the day. Part of it was depression and part of it was because after everyone had gone to bed was the only time I could actually have off, and I wanted to saviour it. I knew that when I went to bed, I would fall asleep and then I'd wake up and it would all start again.<br><br>
I started sleeping in to only 9.30am. DH and DS would come and wake me up. It meant I could stay up later and still have a bit of a sleep in, but we still had the day to do something.<br><br>
Honestly though, as someone who suffers from depression it sounds like your DH could be. There is the screwed up sleeping pattern, over sleeping, lack of motivation. If he is depressed, he probably has a skewed sense of reality and may feel attacked and guilty when you talk to him about it.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>junebugmidwife</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/11620024"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">This is a different issue than has recently been floated here, and basically I just need to vent. I am so frustrated, fed up, etc with my husband. He likes to stay up late (1 or 2 a.m., or later) at least 3 nights/week, and then is, of course, too tired to get up with our 4yo DS and me in the morning. On occasion, DH gets up with DS, but mostly it's me doing the morning child tending, breakfast, amusements, etc. Then when DH is ready to roll out of bed, we're on totally different stages of the morning and we don't really mesh until noon, at which point DH is ready to do stuff, and DS and I are ready for lunch, so we're off kilter again, and DH is frustrated waiting on us to eat, etc.</div>
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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
I can relate to this.<br><br>
Your situation isn't exactly like ours, but it seems similar.<br><br>
DH is a night owl. He likes to stay up late. Always has, always will. He is not a morning person. He could, and would, sleep until noon if I let him on weekends and if he didn't have to get up for work.<br><br>
If I don't let him sleep in, he is resentful, unhelpful, and rude most of the morning, sometimes all day.<br><br>
He has no inner alarm clock and the fact that the sun is up or that our child is awake doesn't seem to register. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">:<br><br>
Our rhythms are not aligned and it causes problems for us. We don't wake at the same time, go to sleep at the same time, eat at the same time, etc.<br><br>
It makes for a very disjointed day and life. I've tried to address it but it's not going to change.<br><br>
What I've done is this...DH has all child bed time duties since he is up and wide awake. I usually take care of everything during the night and in the morning.<br><br>
It's not ideal. It's not what I would like. But at least it's somewhat fair. I feel like DH gets and always has gotten more sleep than me. He's gotten so used to this pattern that he says he needs more sleep and I don't. This is true to some extent. I do function better on less sleep than he does, but that doesn't mean it's ideal! Or fair.
 

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I have nothing to add other than sympathy, as it sounds like we could switch husbands and not notice any change.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">:
 

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Obviously you are at a crisis point and he needs to step up. I'd ask him if he would mind changing his pattern for a month while you both work on these projects.<br><br>
However, long-term I suspect it may even out when his natural pattern of sleep is like your adolescent kids, and thus he can have the duty of staying up to check on whether they got home before curfew/when they said they would, or dispense hot chocolate at midnight the night before an exam.
 

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I can sympathise...my DP does the same and it leads to a very disjointed feeling to our lives - almost like we're leading two parallel lives. Certainly doesn't help in the resentment department. I agree with what PP's have said that perhaps eliminate depression from the possible causes, but I think it may just be a body clock thing - some people just seem to be night owls, and i know in my DP's case it's a thing of needing that time alone at night before he has to get up and go to a job he doesn't like, etc. I don't know if it's something that can be changed, but I hope you two can come to some sort of compromise. It's difficult to deal with defensiveness. I've been reading a book called 'Non-violent Communication' and it's given me some valuable ideas on how to try and avoid this trap - to communicate in such a way that issues are dealt with but not 'stuck on'...and everyone's feelings are respected. I'd really recommend it.
 

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after dealing with this very problem for a looong time, i figured out what works for us. dp can stay up late, but before he starts his movie or bath or whatever, he has to do xyz. i make him a list of stuff i want done when i wake up in the morning. he knows that if it's not done i'm going to be waking him up to finish it. why should he get hours of alone/ fun time at my expense?<br>
to balance that, the list never has more than an hour's work on it. sometimes he dawdles and makes his list last for hours, but that's not my problem.<br>
i'd rather he just keep the same hours as the rest of us, but if that's not going to happen i need to find a way to make it work, ya know?
 

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I can only offer sympathy- my DH has sleeping problems and takes meds that make it very hard for him to wake up in the morning. He is also naturally a night person, so his pattern is go to bed around 1 AM or so and sleep until noon or later. Then he gets up, has a snack, turns on the TV, and dozes off and on until maybe 3 PM when he finally makes his coffee <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">:and is ready for action.<br><br>
Well you know who gets up at 6 AM and does all the morning/noon stuff with kids? Who can't get DH out the door for any activities starting before 2 PM or so? Who is totally in charge 7 days a week of getting kids out of the house?<br><br>
He has depression and is on meds. That is part of it. I feel like I might as well be single, because his routine is to wake up, tickle the kids, nap and watch TV, go to work and come home after bedtime. During the weekend it is wake up, eat, watch TV, doze, watch TV, play computer, and maybe if I nag him go out with the family, come home, watch TV.......DRIVES ME NUTS. If we go anywhere, I have to get the kids packed, dressed, fed and ready while he dawdles and dozes and I have to push him out the door.<br><br>
I don't acticipate this changing, actually <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> We have talked about it, but nothing much ever changes. So I feel for you.
 
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