[JillyD]

I have a new baby who is about 3 weeks old now - my family has come into town to "help" with the new baby. I am realizing now that this means "we are coming to see the baby"...it has nothing to do with help. I should have remembered this from when my daughter was born but for some reason, I don't. I am somewhat frustrated at this point because they don't hold the baby, the don't cook, clean, or do laundry. We went out to dinner tonight but when we don't, they expect us to plan the menu and do all the cooking. I understand it is hard to get around in someone elses kitchen but this is my mom we are talking about! And yeah, there is some element of "it is easier to just do it myself" going on with me which isn't helping anything.

What they do well is play with DD which IS a huge help...but, usually they want/expect me to come along too. I didn't get enough sleep last night so that doesn't help how i am feeling right now. But man, they are here for a week and right now that is feeling REALLY long to me. Ugh...what a bummer!!! Wondering how I can gently tell them to help us instead of just sit around...it's harder than it might seem (at least for me).

 

[terrainthailand]

I know family dynamics are different for everyone, but if it were me, I would just say as gently as possible exactly what you need.

My family was with us for two weeks when DD was 2 weeks old, and my mom stayed for an additional 3 weeks. If I needed someone to hold the baby so I could pee or shower, or if I just wanted a break, I would either put a big smile on my face and sing "who wants to hold the BAY-bee?" Or just dump her off on someone. Only one person ever turned me down.

:

My family was doing a lot of sight seeing - but like you - I wasn't getting much sleep and just wasn't up for it. I just said, "sorry, but I think the baby and I need to hang behind and get some sleep... have fun though!" It only took one car trip with an overtired baby screaming for them to get the picture

I know they were disappointed I hung behind a lot - but I think they understood. At one point I took my mom aside and asked her "what were YOU doing two weeks after you had ME?" Then she became my champion/protector - as was DH.

The three weeks that it was just my mom, I just told her exactly what I needed. Whether that be holding the baby at 5AM so I could keep sleeping, doing the dishes, or just fending for herself meal-wise. I don't usually ask much of my mother so it was a bit hard for me too, but I knew she wanted to help me - and she did turn out to be a great help. HTH!!

 

[Super~Single~Mama]

Your post made me feel lucky! When my mom visited after Lincoln was born neither I nor my boyfriend cooked a single meal (unless we got ourself a bowl of cereal)! I'm not even sure we changed a diaper unless we wanted to! And my mom gave Lincoln back each and every time he even showed signs of getting ready to fuss! (I LOVE my family and really wish they didn't live 3,000 miles away!!!!)

Just say, "I don't know what we're eating, do you want to make something or go pickup some take-out?"

Then, if they say lets make something, respond with, "theres steak in the freezer/fridge (whatever you have in the house to make) and the grill is in the backyard (or whatever is needed to make wanted dish is in the cupboard), if you can't find something I'm happy to tell you where it is"

Just be super up front with them - if it would be helpful say, "I didn't get enough sleep last night, so I wanted to take a nap with the baby, but DD would LOVE to go to the park with you! And it would help me out a TON! Thanks!"

 

[accountclosed3]

same here. at first, family was fairly helpful, but they often LEFT a mess after they left (they came once a week or so), and they were helpful with some early stuff.

but now, help means 'i'll hold and play with hawk while you cook/clean/whatever." not really what i need. LOL

 

[enigo]

Whew when my son was born, my MIL came to town to help (for 5 weeks!)
She was an enormous help with the cooking and such. Immediately after she left, my three SIL came to stay for 2 weeks (Arrrghh!) They treated the whole stay as a trip to Florida, complete with lounging by the pool and wanting me to be a tour guide for South Beach. By the time the whole clan was out of the house, I wanted to lock the doors!

 

[ChaoticMum]

Quote:

Originally Posted by JillyD Wondering how I can gently tell them to help us instead of just sit around...it's harder than it might seem (at least for me).

Hmmm - I'm not so gentle I guess, but I'd just say "the babe was awake lots last night and I'm pretty tired. I'm just going to make myself a ham sandwich. There's plenty of meat in the freezer and pasta etc in the pantry! Feel free to help yourself! I'm going to eat and relax today".

I can only imagine what it would be like to host guests - because when they're not helping out, that is what they are - guests. To me, family should never be a guest....kwim?

 

[littlebabydoll]

Quote:

Originally Posted by zoebird same here. at first, family was fairly helpful, but they often LEFT a mess after they left (they came once a week or so), and they were helpful with some early stuff. but now, help means 'i'll hold and play with hawk while you cook/clean/whatever." not really what i need. LOL

This was my family too! After we got take out a pile of containers would be left on the table and they would leave to hotels at night. DH didn't have the baby (labor) but he sure needs rest too! He was up with me at night when the baby wouldn't sleep too. Everyone was busy drinking in celebration, forgetting their heads. I felt very left out. Also, baby was growth spurting and didn't leave the boob. It was a help to get away from family but also annoying as people kept coming to the nursery. I was comfortable nursing in front of women but not FIL, MIL's boyfriend, etc.

The biggest help was my dad and step mom who made us a ton of frozen lasagna.

 

[stephck]

I just burst into tears and sobbed about having a clean bathtub.....gotta love the honesty of a postpartum breakdown

 

[haurelia]

Quote:

Originally Posted by stephck I just burst into tears and sobbed about having a clean bathtub.....gotta love the honesty of a postpartum breakdown

:

When my mom said to me (at 5 days PP) as I was worrying about my empty larder, "I'm happy to watch Henry while you go run some errands" I burst out laughing as though she had made a joke on purpose. I think she realized how that came across and asked me to make a grocery list.
When I described to my MIL how helpful it was that she brought us a few groceries and prepped meals that first week, she then shopped for our entire grocery list once a week for the first month. It was heavenly.

I would probably just pull the most receptive family member aside, and be honest. Say something like, "I know everyone means well and wants to visit with me and the baby, but I really need some help with meal prep and house work right now, because I can't do it. I'm feeling really overwhelmed by being a hostess and really just need to nest with my baby in our bed."
Or something like that.

Ugh, I am so vividly remembering how that overwhelming family thing felt.
Look at it this way: they're your family; if they're offended by your requests for help and asserting your needs, then they'll leave and you'll still be without help, but you'll also be without guests to clean up after. And as far as the "easier to do it yourself" thing goes, just go in your room and shut the door. They're grownups who will figure it out. It might take them longer or they might do it differently than you would, but it most likely will get done.

 

[katiesk]

oh my. my baby is now one, but i have such strong feelings about all of our house guests that arrived just after she was born. they did not even pretend to be here under the guise of "helping" apparently, they were on vacation. luckily enough for them, they had a free place to stay...

if there is a next time, i will be quite direct and assertive about if people are going to come (at least not for one week post birth), they must realize that i will be in bed with my new baby, and they are welcome to visit, but i will need their help with 1. cleaning 2. cooking 3. grocery shopping 4. spending one on one time with the first born child...

probably everyone will think i'm mean and not want to visit...but really, i still feel a little resentful about the way everyone kind of intruded on my brand new family. i wanted their presence, but i did not know it would feel so abrasive.

having said all that, my advice to you is to be assertive! maybe people are just really clueless...

good luck!