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family member- diagnosis acceptance?

1021 Views 27 Replies 12 Participants Last post by  RedOakMomma, 
E
Hi all,

Okay I'll try and keep this short, but it will be hard.

My mother in law dislikes me, for a number of reasons. Primarily because I fail to meet her expectations as a wife to her son. My MIL is a "I do it all" kind of person. My FIL does very little to contribute to the household. My MIL makes herself the constant martyr- she mows the lawn, works full time, takes care of HER mother and great uncle, has a perfectly clean home and cooks all of her own meals from scratch. 40 years ago she went to nursing school and dropped out--somehow going to nursing school 40 yrs ago qualifies her to be the "expert" on medical conditions. (Note: 40 yrs ago autism was defined a bit differently than it is now)

As a side note, she is extremely bothered by the fact that my husband married a Northerner (new englander no less!) and that I come from a "broken home" (let me just tell you my parents divorced after 25 yrs of marriage- neither have remarried). This isn't extremely relevant but it gives her ammunition for not liking me.

Okay-my point- so DS was dx'd with autism. MIL is in complete denial that anything is wrong. She says "Well I just don't understand we don't have anything like this on OUR side of the family" It's like she is insinuating that any psychiatric problem (which autism is considered to her) would have to come from MY side of the family (re: broken home).

Then she constantly is telling ME about dh's brother who was a wreck as a child. "Oh well Eddie (dh's brother) was like this too as a child. He didn't want us to touch his things and he would run from strangers. And look at him now (now he's 38) he turned out just fine." It's like she undermines the diagnosis. She suggested that we take DS when he is acting up and send him to his bedroom and on more than one occasion referred to a suggestion given by Eddie's pediatrician when he was 3- give him a slap on the face. NICE. Then she refers to a doctor she knows who has autism and says "he is a genius"- great this is the only person with autism she knows so now she thinks DS is destined to be a doctor.

So as if she doesn't already hate me enough.....I have now told DH that I don't want her watching him. We can visit, but he is not to be alone with her and is not spending the night. She watches all the other grandkids on almost a weekly basis (note: I never ask her to watch him, she offers). It is her biggest dream to watch all the grandkids at the same time...but she sighs and says she just can't do that with my DS b/c he requires too much supervision. I will also not let her watch DD- because my kids are a package deal- I won't let her favor the "easy" one.

I don't know what I can do to get MIL to understand autism (I'm not sure she's even motivated to want to educate herself on this) and give up on this "he just needs a good whack in the pants to cure him" idea and also to understand that I am NOT being paranoid, he does NOT need to be hit, and him having autism is NOT because I am from a "broken home", he is NOT going to grow out of this and no this is not a phase.

Please just someone tell me you've "been there"--that would help so much
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5
Wowza, she sounds like a peach.


I don't have any experience first hand dealing with such a lovely and informed person such as your MIL
, but from what I hear from other moms who DO have to deal with such people, the best solution is to not play into their b.s.. For example, when she suggests that you slap your son, you could respond with, "physical violence is not a solution to a complex neurological disorder." When she talks like she's the expert about all things medical, you could give the non snarky reply of "well, we trust our doctors, they have advised us to do xyz, and that is what we intend to do." Or the snarky reply of "really? and where did you get YOUR medical degree??"
When she throws out the "we don't have anything like this on OUR side of the family" crap, well, having been raised by Yankees but also having lived in the south for 27 of my 33 years, I have the mouth and brash attitude of a yankee when I need it, and I know that southern women like herself who thrive on passive-aggressiveness will back down if confronted directly. I would say to her, "just what is it that you are implying here? That ds's autism is somehow my fault? Are you somehow trying to 'blame' someone for a complex neurological disorder that is blameless, because if that's what you're suggesting here, it's awfully rude and ignorant." Just flat out confront her. Snakes like her will stammer and of course deny it and act all indignant that you suggested they were being so "rude" for even a millisecond and will back down. That's how they operate.


As for the issue of not letting her watch your dc anymore, simply tell her "you yourself stated ds is too difficult for you to watch, we are merely respecting your own personal limitations and boundaries." Toss it back on her.

Every time she uses that p.a. bullcrap, just toss it right back on her, flip it around and make it so that she gets it loud and clear that you are not going to play her games, and this is HER problem, not yours. It won't make you her friend, but I gather that isn't exactly top priority here.
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U
I've been there! I'm there now. My dd has Spina Bifida, Hydrocephalus, Reflux and a condition called Laryngotracheamalacia-which means the tissue in her throat is soft and causes breathing and subsequently feeding issues. She will probably use a wheelchair and or crutches and braces. She has to be catheterized every four hours and she has a shunt. She is not a typical child. However, because this is MIL first grandchild she tends to overlook the issues. Dd is only seven months old and already she is telling her how many wonderful activities they are going to do when she gets older. ie: Go to the park and "play" on the playground. Dd will go to the park and she will "play" on the playground but she certainly won't do this activity in a typical way and MIL doesn't think about those things. On the other end of the spectrum... I was looking through a Toys r us catalog and pointing out some of the equipment dd would be able to use as she gets older (we also have to consider latex allergies) and MIL was holding dd and said to her "Mommy is trying to find toys that will make you normal". I just about fell off my chair! "She IS normal she just has some special needs"! I told her. DH and I decided before dd was even born that MIL would never watch her. I don't allow her to do any of dd's care. She comes over several times a week to bring dd presents and to hold her and play with her. She is not allowed to come unanounced and I tell her if it isn't a good day for her to come over. I have to be on my toes the whole time she is here; reminding her to wash her hands when she arrives, wash her hands after useing the rr and or not giving dd a pacifier that has fallen on the floor, but rather to get up and get a clean one. So instead of getting a bit of a break while grandma is here, I get to look after grandma as well. It is tough and most of the time I want to pull my hair out. I so wish it was my mom that lived here not MIL.
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Quote:

Originally Posted by usolyfan
I've been there! I'm there now. My dd has Spina Bifida, Hydrocephalus, Reflux and a condition called Laryngotracheamalacia-which means the tissue in her throat is soft and causes breathing and subsequently feeding issues. She will probably use a wheelchair and or crutches and braces. She has to be catheterized every four hours and she has a shunt. She is not a typical child. However, because this is MIL first grandchild she tends to overlook the issues. Dd is only seven months old and already she is telling her how many wonderful activities they are going to do when she gets older. ie: Go to the park and "play" on the playground. Dd will go to the park and she will "play" on the playground but she certainly won't do this activity in a typical way and MIL doesn't think about those things. On the other end of the spectrum... I was looking through a Toys r us catalog and pointing out some of the equipment dd would be able to use as she gets older (we also have to consider latex allergies) and MIL was holding dd and said to her "Mommy is trying to find toys that will make you normal". I just about fell off my chair! "She IS normal she just has some special needs"! I told her. DH and I decided before dd was even born that MIL would never watch her. I don't allow her to do any of dd's care. She comes over several times a week to bring dd presents and to hold her and play with her. She is not allowed to come unanounced and I tell her if it isn't a good day for her to come over. I have to be on my toes the whole time she is here; reminding her to wash her hands when she arrives, wash her hands after useing the rr and or not giving dd a pacifier that has fallen on the floor, but rather to get up and get a clean one. So instead of getting a bit of a break while grandma is here, I get to look after grandma as well. It is tough and most of the time I want to pull my hair out. I so wish it was my mom that lived here not MIL.
Hi Usolyfan!

My kid has all that that you said (and more) except the throat thing.
And my mom is similar to your MIL - not exactly, but I have to babysit her while she's here and like the OP she thinks I just need to put my foot down with dd (who has SID, anxiety disorder with specific phobias, ADHD, non-verbal LD, etc.) and if I was stricter and punished her more her behavior would go right away like magic. OK cuckoo lady
:

Not so much anymore, but when dd was younger I had to hear from everyone about what genius they just saw on TV who had a disability and how dd was going to be just like that. My response was always "I'm just looking to give her a normal life so she can just be a regular kid and regular adult - we're not really hoping for genius".
God that's annoying. I guess they are making you feel better about your kids disability
: Also, they feel uncomfortable so they have to have some big thing to say. Crazy!

If someone asks DD one more time if she plays wheelchair basketball I am going to scream! She is a very prissy girl and has no interest in sports, beyond playing ball outside and stuff. She goes to wheelchair basketball games and such, but sports are not her thing. The whole thing is ridiculous.

Damn, they try so hard to make her normal so that she can be "OK" to them that they miss all the cool stuff she really does do.

Have I mentioned that people suck?!


Eandasmom, you are not alone, but you will have to confront her each time she says stuff in order for it to stop. Also, just remember that while she is saying it the kids are picking up on it too. So, if they have to hear her craziness they at least will also hear you saying something to the contrary.
This is my reasoning with my mom because I have to jump in and defend DD sometimes and so I figure at least DD won't take all that in as much when she knows "I am on her side".

No matter what it is a tough issue.
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Quote:

Originally Posted by judejude
Not so much anymore, but when dd was younger I had to hear from everyone about what genius they just saw on TV who had a disability and how dd was going to be just like that. My response was always "I'm just looking to give her a normal life so she can just be a regular kid and regular adult - we're not really hoping for genius".
EXCELLENT response. My best friend JUST said something similar to me not 20 minutes ago. "Oh, you and dh are both so smart, I'm sure ds is going to impress you when he gets older." I just said, "well, maybe he will and maybe he won't. He may be high functioning, he may not be. Either way is fine."

Yeah, they are trying to make you feel better. And I guess to a degree I do it sometimes, because when ds was first diagnosed, they always said how he "seemed so smart" and that meant he couldn't be autistic.
I was quick to point out that Stephen Speilberg and Bill Gates are both on the spectrum and neither of them are idiots. Sigh. You just can't win. LOL.
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Quote:

Originally Posted by Finch
Yeah, they are trying to make you feel better. And I guess to a degree I do it sometimes, because when ds was first diagnosed, they always said how he "seemed so smart" and that meant he couldn't be autistic.
I was quick to point out that Stephen Speilberg and Bill Gates are both on the spectrum and neither of them are idiots. Sigh. You just can't win. LOL.
Well, I am either playing down her disability or playing it up...'cause it is a rare case to find someone who actually says something normal that is right in the middle. You either have to go on and on about how dd has it just to try and get it in their heads, or you have to play it down(or give examples of their strngths) when someone is making negative remarks.
You just can't win!
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Roar
You can try to give her articles and websites or even better have her son do it, but put too much energy in hoping it will go somewhere.

I think this is one of those crappy situations where it can't turn out great. You just have to find a way to figure out what you are going to do and hopefully find a way to do that in a united front with your husband. I think you are on the right track by not having her babysit and by putting in some distance. When she starts with telling you what to do you can change the subject, say "oh, I see", "you don't say", etc. Acknowledging her positive intent sometimes may be good as in "I know you love Jimmy and we appreciate that". Also, sometimes with these folks specific statements from the doctor help as in "the doctor said that Jimmy can eat x" or whatever.

My bottom line is that I'd focus most of my energy not on fixing her because that isn't going to happen, but on finding a way to set limits and protect yourselves from getting hurt again and again.
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we share the same MIL!
I could rant about her and her issues for hours, but I'm supposed to be watching my blood pressure and talking about HER will.not.help.that.
:mad
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(((HUGS))) I have a MIL who is like that. She was always in denial and said our kids (both have ASD) are a result from lack of parental discipline. Now that we are doing the DAN protocol and the kids are getting better AND she has sat in a few of our appt w/ a DAN doc, she dismisses autism as if it is just an obstacle in their lives. I always remind her they have autism and she calls it mercury poisoning. I tell her, well that may be true, but until the day they are fully recovered (if that every happens), they have AUTISM!!! Needless, she had a perplexed look on her face. She only hears what she wants to hear.

Even though my MIL has a one track mind, I do provide her with e-mails containing links, print out of articles, clippings and even videos that talk about the prevelance of autism at present day. I do provide her with info about autism behaviors when it relates specifically to my kids so she realizes that they aren't stimming or having hour long tantrums because we don't provide discipline. I can handle the strangers in public, but it really gets under my skin when family members don't try to learn about a condition so that they can better relate to a child with autism instead of being scared. At this point, no one in both families want to watch the kids...they percieve them like a timebomb ready to explode w/ uncontrollable tantrums. It is sad because they miss those cherished moments when my kids spontaneously give them kisses or hug or socially engage each other as if they were NT kids.

(((HUGS))) I know it is tough. Just make sure your husband is by your side when confronting these issues w/ MIL.
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Has anyone said what "NT" means? It's driving me nuts. Given the context of the last time it was used I'm guessing that the "N" stands for normal?
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Nt means "neurologically typical." AKA, "normal." Whatever that is.
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"..... but it really gets under my skin when family members don't try to learn about a condition so that they can better relate to a child with autism instead of being scared. At this point, no one in both families want to watch the kids...they percieve them like a timebomb ready to explode w/ uncontrollable tantrums. It is sad because they miss those cherished moments when my kids spontaneously give them kisses or hug or socially engage each other as if they were NT kids."

exactly. Yes!
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3
I just have to say that this thread is reminding me that this stuff makes me really
angry.

Why are people like this? I know it must have to do with certain generations past and their view of things and then how that was passed down and blah blah blah.

Geez, if I didn't know how to deal with a situation concerning someone's disability, I would look into it. I would get a book or ask questions about what is helpful or something.

Like we don't have enough to deal with in our daily lives without having to deal with people being insensitive and mean. Ignorance as an excuse only goes so far with me...but it gets old fast, if they have not attempted to change.

(sorry, I'm also sad (which makes me mad) because I've been reading on the forum for parents in the NICU and it's brought back a lot of stuff...and now I just deal with a continuation of that I guess
: )
Also we'll be doing surgery in 2 weeks so I start thinking about all the
who are sooo dang unsupportive.
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My MIL and FIL claim my son said "Thank you" when he clearly said "ah oo"! They are on that river in Egypt too!

Don't get me started on "It's amazing what *they* can do" referring to doctors. I haven't yet but I want to say "Yes and it's amazing what they can't do." Not everything can be fixed with surgery or a pill! You learn to live with it and adapt and get on with living!

My family ignores us. My MIL and FIL won't watch my youngest. They will take the oldest 3 sometimes when they feel like it and my youngest has a doctor's appt.

When my son was getting genetics testing everyone told us none of that comes from *our* side of tha family! LOL! Maybe it was DH's sperm or my egg! That means there is a 50% chance it did come from their side of the family! LOL!

Last Dec 2004 my son had double hand surgery and no one called or sent a card or brought over a casserole or helped at all except my SIL (she's a single mom too). What a family eh?
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My MIL had a gem for me today {someone remind me to xpost this in "dumb things people say to you about parenting" later} mind you, Em is dh & I 's only living child together....a fact my MIL loves to rub in and use as another reason to hate on me..

"You need to quit giving Em breast milk now that's she's a year old, and stop using that carrier. You did those things with your older two, and look how they turned out."

Yeah, first of all, I didn't wear or bf my 7 y/o aspie, and she had hydrocephalus from about 3 weeks in utero or whenever the brain forms {brainfart moment here} and second of all, BM and AP have NOTHING to do with my 5 year olds tantrums and sleep issues. Those stem from living with my parents and then the divorce and all that..

:grrr:
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J
OMG, Eandesmom,
do we have the same MIL? I'm from NC too- it could be possible


Mine constantly says, "Ohh, you know me, I am always taking care of everyone, I never sit down," blah blah. When she visits us, I'll be up cooking with baby strapped to my back and dh tries to help me, she says to him, "honey, you worked all day. sit down and let me get that for you." OMG!!!!

My MIL has said the same thing to me, "we dont' have anything like that on our side of the family?" She is constantly asking me what causes SID, looking for some way to BLAME ME!

She also has been telling me for years that DD is autistic simply b/c she used to line up toy cars. (with her its a case of a little bit of knowledge being a dangerous thing- she was a public school teacher's aid for years so she recognized that something was not-quite-right) but she CANNOT listen so she keeps saying autism, even going behing my back to ask my friends, "what do you think it is?" I keep telling her SID and it does not register.

I also feel rather hinky about leaving DD alone with her GP's. I do for a couple of hrs at a time, esp now that DD is very verbal (at 4.5) so she'd tell me if something awful happened. But MIL is never satisfied and constantly bellyaches about how her sister gets to take care of her grandchildren for the weekend. And our DD's would be just fine and they are not getting any younger and when dh was little he loved to spend the weekend with his gp's. on and on and on. to me she hints, to dh she rails. I want to say, "Lady it is not about you."

this is the same woman who picked up an envelope with photos from the birth of my youngest (homebirth) and freaked out that, gasp, I was NAKED, when I gave birth, and the boy from Eckerd saw these naked pictures. I just said, "___________, they are not porn." She yelled at dh about it for about an hour, on and on, about how Demi Moore started this shameful trend...." I was so mad at myself for not snatching that envelope out of her hand. She did not deserve to see the beautiful pictures of the birth of my daughter. AUGHRRR!

oh, boy can I relate! thanks for the chance to vent!

julie
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'just read what Finch said about confronting the bullys. I have found that to work well though sometimes it can be too much I think b/c bullys are really cowards- my MIL can dish it out but can't take it. something else I use sometimes is sarcasm. Like with the whole "we dont have that in our family thing," I say, "Yep, I'm sure that came from my defective jeans" but in a funny sort of way, like I know that wasn't at all what she meant to suggest. Kind of lets her off the hook and we both laugh but she gets the message. I also kind of enjoy shocking her and calling her on it.

julie
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"You need to quit giving Em breast milk now that's she's a year old, and stop using that carrier. You did those things with your older two, and look how they turned out."

OMG!!! And this woman still walks among us??? you are a good woman!

julie
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Quote:

Originally Posted by Jewelie
"You need to quit giving Em breast milk now that's she's a year old, and stop using that carrier. You did those things with your older two, and look how they turned out."

OMG!!! And this woman still walks among us??? you are a good woman!

julie
compared to some of her other snide remarks {mind you I've been around her since DH & I dated in high school 12 years ago} is nothing...
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C
3
This thread reminds me of my MIL. First she told us there was nothing wrong with dd, that she was just speaking Japanese or something and would start cracking up about it.
: She told us that dd just didnt *want* to communicate because we were just boring her. She completely acted like we were hypochondriacs when we said we decided to have her evaluated. After we had her evaluated and we were told that she either has some form of autism or she has SID + communication processing issues, etc, my MIL decided to buy a bunch of books on sensory issues. It sounds great in theory- a caring grandma wanting to know more about what is going on. Except that the day after she received the books she just knew *everything*
She informed me that A has sensory issues because she doesnt have a backyard to play in so she has been deprived of what her senses need. As if I needed someone else to lay on the guilt that *I* did something to make her this way.

Of course she is also the person that failed to mention to me that not only does DHs 15yo cousin have Aspergers (she had mentioned it but said they werent sure & that it is a big secret), but also recently DHs other cousin who is 5yo was diagnosed also (same side of the family-from a different sibling of MILs though). This is after I repeatedly voiced concerned that A might be autistic. After As evaluation, MIL said that she isnt really sure she believes that DHs cousins have Aspergers, even though they both have been officially diagnosed. She told me that it is all probably being made out to be more than it really is actually. I cant even talk to her about this stuff anymore because I want to scream. She. makes. me. CRAZY.
:
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