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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hello all, my joy hasn't birthed itself yet, another 9 weeks or so to go. Anyhow, I had a discussion with my partner last night and it came up again.<br>
"Are you going to get a pump?", to which I always reply "no". I feel like I don't need one, and that I have the boobs so the baby should be feeding from them, and them exclusively unless there is a problem (which I hope there arn't any).<br><br>
Problem is my partner feels as if this will interfere with things for some reason. He mentions non-issues like, "what if I want to take the baby out", to which I reply, "then you'll have to bring the boob too in case he gets hungry". I don't feel like I am being unreasonable. He mentions other women he knew who pumped and bottle fed as if that should be a reason for me to do the same. It's getting annoying and I don't understand why he's being so adamant about it. I'm not going to budge.<br>
I've actually made tons of work-arounds at work to make sure I am able to breastfeed (not pump).<br>
This is something that I feel is natural and important to my bond with the child. Honestly, I want baby to know who he goes to when he needs milk. I feel like that is why my body produces milk and why his father does not. It's my job. I don't get it, does he feel like I'll be too attached or want too much control over the baby?<br><br>
Has anyone else had this problem with their mate?<br>
How can I make him understand that this is one of the decisions given to us that I have power over and he will just have to work with it. I don't like to make it sound that way, but it's true.
 

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My DH said many of those same things before our first was born. He was worried about not getting a chance to bond with baby, he was listening to what certain other (non-breastfeeding) people were saying to him. Can you print some stuff from <a href="http://www.kellymom.com" target="_blank">www.kellymom.com</a> about the potential problems pumping and bottle feeding can create? When I was forced to pump because my DD was unable to nurse, my husband realized how much work it was. When he saw what a different baby she was when she had just one bottle of formula, he realized how much better for her breastmilk was. When that one bottle of formula turned into a vicious cycle, effectively ruining my milk supply... when I had to pump even more... anyway, the way things turned out were not at all what either of us had planned or even suspected ahead of time.<br><br>
Try to educate your partner, but ultimitely it is your decision to make. Try to tell him how much more work pumping and bottle feeding would be. Try to tell him about nipple preference/confusion and latching problems because bottle nipples are so very different from flesh nipples. Try to tell him how milk supply is regulated by baby nursing, and that pumps are not as good at stimulating supply, or at emptying the breast of milk. Try to tell him about cracked, bleeding nipples, about plugged ducts and mastitis, about how baby's saliva signals to your body just exactly what kind of milk to make, and what antibodies to put in it. Then try to tell him about other ways fathers bond with their babies. Ease his fears and worries. Tell him baby will know he is the Daddy, and will love him unconditionally, just as much as baby loves Mommy!
 

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My husband never pressured me about pumping, but he did admit that he was jealous that I could experience that with our DD and he couldn't. He gets a little sad when she calms right down, after being held by him, when brought to me because she knows she's about to be fed. I think that might be the issue with your SO. Perhaps he's just feeling a bit left out of the experience. Maybe you can work out a system so that sometimes after feedings he gets to rock your DC to sleep and spend close skin to skin time. That way he's still getting that special cozy bonding experience too.
 

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Something u could point out to him is that when the baby latches on to ur breast if they have any illness ie. a cold or virus, the saliva transmits this to the mothers body and the mothers body will in turn make antibodies to combate the illness. When u bottle feed bm they do get antibodies but it just isnt the same as if they were drinking directly from the breast. I know that my dd at around 14-15months benifited greatly from this when I caught the flu she also got it but she was not nearly as sick as me and she got better after just 3-4 days compaired to my almost 2 week battle.<br><br>
Not to mention if u r like me ur body just will not let down with a pump. I tried pumping a few times just to get a freezer stash going with both my dd then again with my ds. I only expressed milk if i let myself become totally ingorged on one side that was pretty painfull and after that my breast was always sore for a few days. No matter how good the pump sometimes the milk supply will drop no matter how much u pump. Just something to think about.
 

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It sounds to me that he's just worried about not being able to bond as well with the baby. Maybe you can find other things he can do, things that are just "daddy" things (like giving a bath). For now, I'd just tell him that you want to see how things go and if you think you need a pump, you'll get one then.<br><br>
I have to pump four times a day and I am really starting to dislike it. I have to pump twice at work and then two more times to keep up my supply (I have supply issues). I nurse every single chance I get! DH watches DD on Fridays while I'm at work and he will bring DD to me during lunch so I can nurse her instead of pumping! It's things like that that keep me going with the pumping.<br><br>
Anyway, basically my point is I only pump because I have to. If I had a choice, I wouldn't pump at all! It's just a huge pain! Not only does it take time to actually pump, but you have to wash all the parts, and store the milk, etc. The it's like, time is in such short supply that I don't want to spend 15 min pumping just to turn around and give the baby a bottle. That 15 minutes day after day really adds up!<br><br>
I think after a while, if you want a small handheld pump, you can get one then. But I don't see any point in getting on ahead of time. The only advantage I can see for owning a pump is so you can build up a freezer stash for future use. If for some reason you can't nurse, or to use when making baby food, or something unexpected comes up, it's nice to have some milk available. But it's not absolutely necessary <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
And you know what? You won't want to be away from your baby. You won't want him to take the baby out without you or for you to leave them for long. And if you do want to run to the store by yourself, for example, there's no need to have a bottle waiting. Just nurse before you go and you'll have a couple of hours of freedom (after the inital ultra-nursing newborn stage).
 

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I didn't get it from my dh (he knows more and even if he didn't, he knows better!) but I got it from my mom. I just kept asking her why I should make more work for myself. She kept trying to come up with reasons, but she never made any that I couldn't shoot down... <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1"><br><br>
-Angela
 

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I think you are right on to refuse pumping and feeding in a bottle. It is wayyyy too much work and taking care of a newborn is enough work in and of itself. If he is feeling like he won't be able to bond perhaps you can pass along my story. Ds has never had a bottle(he is a little over a year) and has been exclusively breastfed. In fact, he refuses to take a bottle. You know who he loves, I mean absolutely adores?? His daddy! I swear, if I wasn't a food source, I'd never get to hold the kid, lol. How did he get so attached to daddy? Daddy changes diapers, bathes him, rocks him, carries him, holds him, plays with him. There are so many things that a dad can do with a baby to bond with them, that have nothing to do with feeding them. Also, you can assure him that when your baby is older and breastfeeding is well established, you'd be happy to pump a bit so you can go out and he can feed the baby while your gone<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">.<br><br>
I have also known too many mamas who thought they would just pump instead of breastfeeding and ended up quiting well before babe was two months old. Pumping is just too much damn work to be doing it outside of having to work or go to school.<br><br>
Good luck!!
 

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Pumping SUCKS! (no pun intented!). I think you have a great attitude and I agree with pp about daddy giving baths. I also think it's GREAT you are able to have your work schedule flexible enought to feed your baby and not pump! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/thumb.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="thumbs up">
 

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My ds had major latching and sucking problems and I had to pump exclusively from 4 weeks of age to nearly six months of age. Every two hours around the clock. I had two electric pumps and one hand pump. It was holy hell. Then I had to turn around and give a bottle. Or try pumping while your kid is screaming to eat. How do you hold him and give him a bottle? You don't...you stick your beautiful baby in a boppy pillow and prop the bottle and watch him eat from three feet away. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/mecry.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="crying"><br>
I know your dh isn't talking about pumping exclusively (I hope!), but even pumping somewhat is something you shouldn't have to do if you aren't committed for a good reason that has nothing to do with your husband's feelings of inadequacy.<br>
Many women like to have a stash in the freezer in case they get hit by a bus or are hospitalized, etc. But many women don't.<br>
My dh was very supportive of breastfeeding and I couldn't have kept at without his help and quiet support. But it was never his choice, so his input on what I should do was restricted to giving advice on how to accomplish my goals. Just like birthing. It's my body, my birth, my breasts, my choice. He wanted me to supply milk for his son, beyond that, he knew he had no say.<br>
I hope that doesn't sound too cold, but that's biology.<br><br>
Well, I've ranted long enough, sorry to be so harsh, I just can't imagine my dh trying to tell me what to do with my body and my breastfeeding relationship!<br>
-Lindsay
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Thanks for all the replies and stories! I don't understand him at all on this issue. I think he has a problem with me not wanting the baby to be away from me for extended periods of time. An hour or two without mommy is enough, and breastfeeding exclusively makes it necessary for baby to stay close to me. I really think his past relationship problems are boiling over into ours because he his gf of 6 years was really pushy and wanted to be a part of EVERYthing in his life. I give him plenty of space however, but there are some things I won't budge on. One thing is baby. I try to explain to him that his feelings are important to me, but then he says he feels like he has no say... Which makes me feel uneasy because I feel like I give him plenty of say, but you need to have good reason too.<br>
But honestly I'm wondering if this all goes beyond breastfeeding... I'm wondering if I should bring it up again and try to explain to him why it's important for me to keep baby close, and that it's part of my motherly bond?<br><br>
This all reminds me of the penguin documentary movie (the name slips my mind), where the father had an equal amount of responsibility to raise baby and keep it alive. It's very much like that for humans, but modern society has changed things and men are occupied with things like football and video games so they lose some power over childrearing. For me, baby is number one and the last 7 months i've been pregnant, it has been that way. For him, he does not understand the relationship between mother and baby so he has more of a selfish appreciation of bonding with baby IMO. I could be bias... I'm going to keep thinking about it.
 

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I do not think you should speak of breastfeeding in terms of the motherly bond. I think *that* is what is intimidating him in the first place!! I think you should explain to him in terms of how important breastfeeding is to baby, and how pumping and giving bottles, even occassionally, can create problems with breastfeeding, problems that can be very very hard to overcome. I think you should explain to him other ways fathers have of bonding with babies. <b>I think he should talk to other men who are the fathers of breastfed babies.</b> My DH is probably the #1 reason so many of our friends breastfed their babies!! Seriously. He is so good at explaining to the daddys-to-be about the importance of being supportive, how difficult breastfeeding is for some women, and how the lack of support makes it nearly impossible to nurse if they encounter any sort of other obstacles or problems.<br><br>
slightly off-topic:<br>
After my first was born, I had to learn how to step back and let DH make mistakes, as long as they weren't life-threatening. I had to let him change diapers the wrong way, and end up with poop all over the baby and himself. I had to let him change her clothes and do laundry, even if he didn't do it the way I would have done it myself. And I had to praise him constantly, tell him what a good job he was doing! It really made a huge difference once I started doing that. Before that, I was overbearing, and I was making all of the decisions, not just what to do, but how to do it as well. It was driving him insane, and we were arguing all the time because of it.
 

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along with baths etc I think baby massage provides a great bonding experience both for both parents, it has similar elements to feeding (eye contact, touching, quite time) maybe you could all go to a class and at home that could be something he does most of the time and you leave them to it, along with sharing all the other things.<br><br>
Anna <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/slinggirl.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Slinggirl">
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>stafl</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I do not think you should speak of breastfeeding in terms of the motherly bond. I think *that* is what is intimidating him in the first place!!</div>
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Hmm... I agree with you there. Sometimes it's hard to get past how I feel personally about it, and validate it with other reasoning. But i definately will try.
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">I think you should explain to him in terms of how important breastfeeding is to baby, and how pumping and giving bottles, even occassionally, can create problems with breastfeeding, problems that can be very very hard to overcome.</td>
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I did try that. He definately wants me to breast feed, but he thinks of it more in terms of "breast milk" vs. "formula", and either way, he feels that a bottle is sufficient when I feel like bottle feeding is very impersonal and just... ew.<br>
I babysat a lot of babies, and grew up in a household with one (my niece), and actually bottle fed her ALOT, taking turns with my sisters because everyone had to pitch in to help raise her. Anyway, she grew up a happy baby, but I can't help but feel that she missed out by never being able to drink from the breast of her mother. I think it is healthy to establish a relationship where you know where to go for food (milk), and not just wondering aimlessly who will be giving you your next feeding. I feel the routien of going to mommy is natural and good. So it's hard for me to play down the bond because it's a big part of me.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">I think you should explain to him other ways fathers have of bonding with babies. <b>I think he should talk to other men who are the fathers of breastfed babies.</b></td>
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That is part of the problem, his friends wives pumped, so he feels like I shouldn't have a problem with it. Same thing with his friend's son being circumcized. "The baby didn't cry", that doesn't mean it didn't hurt, ever heard of shock? Anyway, I'm digressing. The closer baby comes to being here, the more we realize how different issues are important to us in different ways. We are talking about everything civilly (we communicate well), but we can have such large differences of opinion, especially with this breastfeeding issue. I don't think I'm going to budge at all, yet I don't want to be overbaring and have him feel as if he doesn't have a say. But to be honest, I am not feeling that he should have a say on this particular issue. Where something like circumcision, I would allow him to do it, but ONLY after we speak to other people about it, learn the pros and cons, AND I find someone who I am willing to trust to mutilate my son's genetalia. *sigh* I'm sorry if I sound stubborn and harsh.<br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">My DH is probably the #1 reason so many of our friends breastfed their babies!! Seriously. He is so good at explaining to the daddys-to-be about the importance of being supportive, how difficult breastfeeding is for some women, and how the lack of support makes it nearly impossible to nurse if they encounter any sort of other obstacles or problems.</td>
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He is also encouraging of breastfeeding, but he definately does NOT understand how complex it is and how introducing foreign objects, as simple as a bottle or pacifier can throw off the whole mojo. I have decided that I myself will not try to convince him, but instead speak to our Bradley teacher and CNM about it.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">After my first was born, I had to learn how to step back and let DH make mistakes, as long as they weren't life-threatening. I had to let him change diapers the wrong way, and end up with poop all over the baby and himself.</td>
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Wow. I feel I would find it so hard to step back... my mother has told me that I need to learn to do that however. Funny thing is, DP actually had a dream that he was changing diapers and made a huge mess with poop everywhere, all on his clothes and the bed. Maybe that is an indication of some insecurities he may not be voicing? Aw. I am feeling a lot softer now in regards to these issues. I am sure it is as frustrating for him to disagree with me as it is for him.<br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">It really made a huge difference once I started doing that. Before that, I was overbearing, and I was making all of the decisions, not just what to do, but how to do it as well. It was driving him insane, and we were arguing all the time because of it.</td>
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Thanks for adding this. Really puts some perspective on the issue.<br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/clap.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="clap">
 

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Is he a geeky internet type guy? He might be interseted in the dads forum on MDC here. I'm sure those guys could give him all the answers you need him to have.<br><br>
This may sound trite, but he's waited 9 months for the baby, he can wait another 6 or so to feed him. Let him get smashed avocado all over him :LOL !<br><br>
Btw... I would be alot more vociferous about the routine genital mutilation. He can order up cosmetic surgery on the baby, but he can't strap a pump to your chest!
 

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My dh has been very good about the need for mom. Not trying to gloat, but I've told him, I have breast and they are for feeding. He asked if he could give a bottle, to allow me to sleep, and I explained to him that bottles are only if I'm working ( i work part time).<br><br>
To be a little silly here. I told him there are things you can do that I can't. for instance pee standing up, this would make my life so much easier, but hey I can't do it, and he can breastfeed so this comment made him understand...
 

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I'm just wondering if you can convince him to defer decisions about bottles until after the baby is born...it's not like you should start pumping and giving bottles until six weeks at the very earliest...I would think by then he would understand better that he will have PLENTY of time and opportunity to bond with the baby, etc.<br><br>
It's just hard to "get" this stuff in the abstract. I think it will make more sense when he's actually in the middle of it. Maybe. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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My husband wants me to pump too, for when we go out! I have done this a few times, when I was engorged, and pumping was a major pain in the a**. I have two pumps an isis, and a medula. Aidan doesn't relaly like bottles, but I had to pump for like a week to get him two bottles to stay with his grandparents for a few hours while we went out with friends. And even though we ended up only gone for a few hours I was soo engorged that i started leaking on the way back home. DH still makes coments when we go out if I am feeding teh baby like isn't that what the sling is for, or you are showing. He gets embarassed I think, I just roll my eyes at him. He still makes comments occassionally but I do not have time to clean my house completely nevermind spend part of my day that I could spend bonding with ds pumping milk. It is absurd, And it is a lot of work. I think he will get over it, if he doesn't too bad then! After all, that is your super power lol!
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>InnieTurnedOuttie</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">But to be honest, I am not feeling that he should have a say on this particular issue. Where something like circumcision, I would allow him to do it, but ONLY after we speak to other people about it, learn the pros and cons, AND I find someone who I am willing to trust to mutilate my son's genetalia. *sigh*</div>
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Oh man... <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/bigeyes.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="bigeyes"> PLEASE go to the Case Against Circumcision forum! <a href="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/forumdisplay.php?f=44" target="_blank">http://www.mothering.com/discussions...splay.php?f=44</a> Read the sticky near the top, posts by mamas who regret having their sons circumcised.<br><br>
He should not have a say about circumcising, either- and neither should you! Your son is the only one who should have a say about his own body parts. Please, please, please, read the Circ forum.<br><br>
You have gotten lots of good advice about your problem. I'm with you- breastfeeding is Mama's job. I hope it all works out more smoothly after the baby is here... honestly though, lots of men who don't express a problem with their DP breastfeeding still have a hard time with infants. For the first few months, it can be really hard, because nature designed babies to want their mamas so much! Both of my kids' dads would get really frustrated that the baby only wants me a lot of the time (and of course, it is no picnic to be the only one who can soothe the baby either!) It gets better. Try to encourage him to have his own thing with the baby- he can be the one who always does the bath, or he can find some special hold or way of rocking, or a special song.
 

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I have an intact baby boy who has only had 5 bottles in his whole life (with water in them). Pumping was never an issue because I couldn't do it at all. I think that your dh has to respect your wishes on that one. Once he sees the little babe at your breast he might change his mind....and he can take baby out, in 2 hour intervals <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngtongue.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Stick Out Tongue"><br>
As for circ. I didn't give my hubby an option at all....I wouldn't let anyone near ds penis and he knew that from the very beginning<br>
All I can say is find someone with a hubby who is very supportive of bfing and connect the 2 of them. He can call mine if he wants :LOL
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>InnieTurnedOuttie</strong></div>
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Where something like circumcision, I would allow him to do it, but ONLY after we speak to other people about it, learn the pros and cons, AND I find someone who I am willing to trust to mutilate my son's genetalia. *sigh* I'm sorry if I sound stubborn and harsh.</div>
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Another voice to please not let him hack off a chunk of your son's penis. Please. Go read. Do research. There are no pros. No medical organization in the world advises routine infant circ. Please protect your son.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
-Angela
 
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