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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
ok mammas, I know that fear is normal but it consumes me at times. I worry about the saftey of my babes. I am up at night beacuse I am afraid and cant sleep, but the biggest issue is when they are on visits. They do not go over nights yet, not for 2 more years because of how young they are, but still, ex is a idiot and has no common sense. I start to worry Monday about visits on sat and sun to come. I worry he will not protect them, not watch them. I didnt trust him when we were together and not I amnot there to make sure he is thinking. Last year he allowed me then 1 and 4 year olds to swim in a lake with no floaties and no adult..<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/dizzy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Dizzy">: <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/dizzy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Dizzy">: <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/dizzy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Dizzy">: but he also treats my beautiful 5 year old as a adult...has her go to restrooms alone etc. I am just wondering how you all keep sane..i dont see this as getting better actually worse. just needing some mom talk time I guess....
 

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I feel your pain and even though my dd is almost 11, I still worry. She came home two weeks ago with a concussion which she got at his house and he put her to bed and never checked her.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">: We were at the ER for hrs because the doc thought she had fractured her skull. As we were sitting there she says, "It's like daddy doesn't care..... why didn't he take me to the hospital?" What do ya say to that!!!! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br>
The worrying never ends. I thought he would smarten up over the years but he hasn't. It's scary and frustrating.
 

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I used to worry a lot like that too. Then I decided, since I couldn't change him and couldn't change the situation, I would have to inform my kids. I started to teach them ways to say no to things to their dad, drill them on the importance of going to the bathroom together....ALWAYS, sticking together in a group....ALWAYS, etc. etc. It helped me feel better about it. Oftentimes just taking some sort of action and being proactive can help us feel better.
 

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I don't have any advice, but I can sympathize. I have sat up nights worrying. I have sat in the rocker with my baby sleeping in my arms, rocking, crying, holding him, not wanting to let go... I worry about his safety (the usual stuff, nothing abusive) when he is with his dad, I worry that the visitation is too much, I worry that I'll be forced into allowing overnights before I think DS is ready and I worry that DS will be sad and scared and feel deserted by me when he does go overnight. I worry that his dad won't tell me if the overnight is awful. I know his dad isn't as careful as I am... I worry about him getting hurt. I worry that the visits will be hard and then I worry that someday he might want to live with his dad! I worry that he'll end up confused by all of this... I could go on and on.<br>
I'm afraid I might have given you more things to worry about instead of helping! You are definitely not alone. This is so hard. I think it's one day at a time. MCA's advice sounds very good.<br>
Hugs to you.
 

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You know, I wonder if anyone has compiled any stats on injuries and worse while in fathers' care (single and partnered) v. mothers'. An incidents-per-hour sort of number, broken out for severity. So many of us seem to have these worries.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>robinchap1</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7975084"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I worry that his dad won't tell me if the overnight is awful. I know his dad isn't as careful as I am... I worry about him getting hurt. I worry that the visits will be hard and then I worry that someday he might want to live with his dad! I worry that he'll end up confused by all of this...<br>
Hugs to you.</div>
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I can totally relate to this thinking. I don't even know if he'd tell me if my dd was significantly hurt. It worries me. I don't even like to let her go on overnights because she is only 17 mo old and I can't tell if it's hard on her or if it's okay.<br><br>
Peacefulmom, I know what you are going through and I wish you the best.
 

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I know how you feel, to the bottom of my toes. My son is 5 now, so not nearly as helpless as a baby...and if you'd asked me back then, age 5 would have seemed more than ready...but he's still a vulnerable little person, easily impressionable, and his father is a dolt who thinks all you need to do is "tell" a kid something (like not to touch fire or whatever), and then they'll remember it forever. I swear he thinks of and treats our son more like teenager than a little kid. His father is the type who would sneer at me, literally, as I bundled our son up in the winter, even as a baby. It was partly to harrass me, party because he just doesn't get that babies/kids are more delicate than adults and A PARENT NEEDS TO TAKE <span style="text-decoration:underline;">CARE</span> OF THEM. And once when our son was two, he didn't hold our son's hand crossing the street and a truck was coming! and ex actually said that our son knew enough to stop walking into the street!!! things that have made my heart nearly stop. And aside from all of that is the emotional factor...what if my son just doesn't WANT to be away from home, etc. And his father plays really loud music in the car all the time...inappropriate and jarring. So for those reasons and so many more, I know your anxiety through and through.<br><br>
Here's one thing, though, that made me feel a few hairs better. I know your ex is not the same person as mine, so I can't guarantee he'd do the same, but judging from the descriptions, they often have a very similar mind-set! Well, last Saturday, my son was with his father for the day. I got a call mid-day from ex that our son has cut his knee on a rock (tripped on the sidewalk and fell on gravel) and had bled badly but the bleeding stopped. I was <b>so</b> surprised he called to tell me at ALL, for starters - but since I want to encourage him keeping me in the loop, I listened calmly and spoke a minute to our son. Then ex said he wanted to take him to the emergency clinic to make sure nothing was wrong with his knee, just in case. THAT threw me for a loop; ex will <i>never</i> go out of his way to do something that's not fun (and he literally hasn't been to ONE of our son's Dr. appointments since he was two months old!) or interrupt his day. I asked if I could meet them there and he agreed; our son did need stitches although to me it didn't even look that bad, so ex was indeed actually being cautious.<br><br>
I guess my point is...what we often do (and what I continue to do, I confess) is we picture the WORST case scenario when our kids are with our exes. After all, these men are our exes for good reasons, and have likely been untrustworty, irresponsible, have often exhibited poor behavior around our kids...none of them would ever be hired as anyone's babysitter, yet we're forced to send our hearts & souls off with these guys and hope for the best.<br><br>
But what I'm striving valiantly to focus on (and not always succeeding) is that usually, the worst case scenario is not what's happening. Even when my son was hurt badly enough to warrant stitches (nothing like that's ever happened on my watch) when he was with his father, his father actually to my amazement acted responsible about it. Very unlike him, I can't say it enough! but my hard-won advice is, I think most of our exes act perhaps just a few shades better with the kids than they do in our presence, and your <i>worst</i>-case scenario fear rarely if ever will happen. I know that's not really too soothing, but don't forget too that your kids are getting older all the time and you won't have this worry consume you on such a level. I say that, and yet my son's with his father again today and I'm not exactly relaxed!<br><br>
I guess I just wanted to commiserate and to let you know that once in a great while, the exes might surprise us. So hang in there.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
oh dear mammas this is so terribly hard. I know that in our divorce we agreed that kids can start overnoghts in 3 years, they will then be 8,4, and 5. This looms over my head all the time, he never remembers to lock doors, he is a fool and I just am so afraid. I do thimk of the worst and cant seems to shake it....but I am so thankful that you all are understnading and I feel for all of you too...hang in there too mammas,,,,
 

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(((hugs))) Living with that kind of anxiety is so hard. I have totally been there too. It might help to talk to a counsellor?
 
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