[Elyssia]

i am in a local group of moms who meet for playgroups and such and chat online through group emails
it is quite a diverse group of women but i am the only homebirther
and i try to just stay out of a lot of conversations
b/c i have gotten the reaction over and over again w/ nonhomebirthers
of being perceived as feeling superior or judging them for their choices
do you guys get this???
does it bug the crap out of you??
a couple women are pregnant in the group
and one who is new to the area asked for doctor or midwife recommendations and i just wrote back and said that if she is interested in homebirth i can give her the hook up
and then i just tried not to get sucked into a debate about safety and all that, just said we could email privately if she wanted more info.
i wrote a little bit about the safety of homebirth and that i am not judgmental of other women's choices but i like to share my experiences b/c mine have been wonderful
and that i hate to see misinformation spread around
but it is so hard to resist b/c somebody wrote my all time most irritating remarks from nonNCBers
"i am not any less of a woman b/c . . . . . "
and
"you don't get an award for going natural or having a homebirth"

have you heard this??
does it annoy the bejesus out of you??
why do they think that WE think they are lesser women or moms?
how does my having a homebirth = an indictment of a hospital birth?
so i am bringing my little rant here
b/c i don't want to get sucked into a debate
w/ a bunch of ladies who really don't want to learn anything new
and have for the most part already made their choices

thanks guys!

 

[3 little birds]

This is annoying. I read somewhere that with her second child, Catherine Zeta Jones said she was getting an epidural right away because she didn't feel the need to be a martyr.

Hello? What does that have to do with it? I didn't use drugs and had a home birth for the safety of my baby. Nothing to do with proving something.

I think this attitude comes from ignorance and defensiveness.

 

[CryPixie83]

Everytime I come across women with an attitude like what your are describing, I get the feeling that it is rooted in ignorance, insecurities or a mixture thereof. Kinda how a formula mom feels the need to defend herself to a breastfeeding mom. It's annoying really. Educate yourself, make your choices and stand by them.

The whole "you don't get a medal for going natural" thing is something a lot of women have heard from L&D nurses! I don't understand why women think that we all fear pain, or that all pain is a bad thing. We aren't trying to prove anything to anyone (except maybe ourselves), so what makes them think we want a medal?!

:

Slightly OT, I friend of mine told me yesterday that homebirths are unsafe and that I will be really sorry for not getting drugs. Granted she has had a child, but she was 15 or 16, in the hospital, scared, the usualy story. However she wouldn't hear a word I said about the 5+ years I've spent researching homebirth and how I'm totally aware that I'm going to be in pain and I'm not afraid of the pain. All she says is "just wait and see..."

 

[2+twins]

Yep, I get annoyed with that stuff too. It's not about being a hero, but they don't get that. We choose NCB for so many reasons, but no one seems to care. And that's okay - let them make their choices and rest confident that you've made the choice that's right for YOU. But I getcha. I belong to a local mom's group and hadn't met many of the other moms yet, but the ones I did meet didn't really fit into my parenting/birthing philosophy either. I decided to reach out and find out if there were others like me (I mean, there must be, right?). I sent out an email, feeling very nervous that I might come off looking high and mighty or something - exactly what I wasn't trying to portray - but was pleasantly surprised to find about 5 other women who were very interested in finding other local women they could share their thoughts & experiences with without the harsh comments typically made by non NCB/NFL type moms. Hang in there - hopefully you can steer clear of those that annoy you, and if not, at least you can come here to rant!

 

[gilamomma]

I have a friend who is recently prego and I have tried sharing my wonderful homebirth experience and extensive library with...but I feel like it's made her back off with the friend thing! I've known her forever it seems like, and she was very supportive of me having homebirth, and BFing and all, but when it comes down to her own situation, I think she thinks it'll be easier to do what her mother thinks is best and go to a hospital and do what the doctor tells her to do. I worry about her all the time, but she hasn't returned my calls or e-mails for a month (just a few, I'm not psycho), so I decided to lay off. Right now, keeping her friendship is more important than pressuring her into having a natural birth that she doesn't feel 100% about. I hope the L&D nurse she gets stuck with is as layed-back about pressure as I am.

So, I totally know ...I really want to educate her about her choices, and to share my wonderful experience with her, but maybe she's just not ready to handle it. Maybe, despite all her college courses in women's studies, and feminist/liberal leanings, maybe she will find the best path for herself depending on the medical institutions.

I guess it isn't my place to judge,

or guide,

or share.

My place is to be available...no matter how hard the waiting is.

I hope you are able to find balance with these mommas
I hope my friend and I will find balance too.

 

[Elyssia]

thanks for your responses
gilamomma - i can so understand where you are
like i said, i try to stay out of the conversation but it is hard

i should come on this board more
or i should meet other homebirth moms where i live
b/c i love to talk about pregnancy and birth
and naturally, when i am with a group of women - some of whom are pregnant or trying to be
it comes up a lot
and i usually don't say anything
and feel kind of like i farted in class or something
like i want to get invisible b/c i don't want anybody to ask me b/c i don't want the reaction "oh well you must be superwoman"
"well i HAD to . . . . . "
"well . . . . .. "
unfortunately, it seems few and far between that somebody just says "hey that's cool"
i don't need anybody else's blessings on my experiences, i just don't want their defensiveness and weirdness
it has become worse since i've delivered twins and delivered a breech
b/c i am further separated from the women who didn't or couldn't do that vaginally - even w/in homebirth groups
and think i am most likely stupid as well as crazy and definitely must think i'm superior

i'm sounding a little whiny, sorry
i just need some friends ~sniff~

 

[rad]

(nak)
yes,I've heard both of those and they both drive me flippin crazy!

I also never talk about birth with non-HBers unless they ask for info on it. I've found that if I do they all treat me like crap afterwards. They're usually all sharing there hospital horror birth stories and if I mention my 2 births (which I have nothing to complain about) they get really defensive and cold towards me. So now I just keep my mouth shut. I don't hae aproblem with them having hospital births, I just know it's not the right choice for me. I never make them feel badly for their choices, so it pisses me off when they try to make me feel badly for mine.

 

[gilamomma]

Rad - they probably feel bad about their choices on their own...so when we "gloat" (or just beam) about our wonderful homebirths that went just as expected, they are jealous for not having made other choices.

It really bugs me when people say I'm brave for having a home birth because it insinuates that I'm putting my child's life at risk or that I am primmitive or something

Mostly I keep my mouth shut around non-HBers cause on really basic levels our priorities or ethics are completely contradictory. We both care for our kids obviously, but there is a basic difference in train of thought I think. I live pretty out of the norm compared to many but with some women I feel like I live in an entirely different society (Like most of the people I'm related to for example).

This may be slightly off topic but...I read a birth story last night that made me so angry and sad...the woman was at home in the bath tub - transitioning! - and tried to make a mad dash for the hospital, and ended up giving birth on the side of the highway. Then when she "finally" got to the hospital (via ambulance with iv, oxygen, etc) the OB who came to stich her she had fired earlier in the pregnancy for being anti-natural labor. And he had the audacity to say that this was why women shouldn't have natural
birth!...he also said her vagina looked like "a grenade went off in there"!!!!!!

Oh this poor woman...if only she had a midwife, or a doula at least, someone to support her natural instinct. That woman was brave!...and I pity her, and hope if she has another birth, it will be gentle and beautiful.

I really would like so desperately to share my birth experience with this woman and have her understand that it doesn't have to be that way, and she can just stay in her bath tub and keep her vagina in tact, but I don't think she would truely understand, or relate. I imagine that she lives in an entirely different world than I do.

Like I said before, I guess it isn't my place to say anything or share my experiences or opinions.

Then I think...If I don't try to help someone give birth gently then, the establishment has won, and I might as well move to Pappua New Guinea and live primitively...

...and I would if I could only get NPR there!

 

[Tiacsophno]

oh YES, I know exactly what you mean! I felt this way after my first was born in a hospital without drugs. About half my friends had c-secs and the other half had epidurals, and they made me feel like I couldn't even talk about my birth. They seemed to think I gloating or was putting them down and they liked to tell me how nice it must be to have an "easy" birth.

So at 33 wks when I began planning a homebirth with #2, I didn't tell very many people. My closest friends and family were fairly supportive, saying "you're braver than I am!" but others (mostly strangers) were downright hostile to me. I kept thinking how nice it would be to have my healthy homebirthed baby in my arms so I could shout from the rooftops about how wonderful my experience had been and shut up the naysayers once and for all.

And my homebirth was wonderful. But then I had the same problem I had had with my first birth. Somehow writing on the birth announcement "born at home" was lording it over people!?! So now if I want to talk about homebirth I come to boards like this one, because YOU FOLKS UNDERSTAND!

 

[2+twins]

This kind of discussion is interesting to me, because while I get the same kinds of reactions from people about "how brave I must be to have a baby at home/without drugs", I still do talk about it. I definintley try not to let it be the FIRST thing I say (lol) when I meet someone, but I love birth and for me it comes up. Frankly, I'm quite proud (as I'm sure you all are) of how I birthed my children - with peace, education, in my home, and without any drugs or interventions. I like to talk about it. So I do and if that bothers them, that that's just their problem. I do try to be tactful about the subject, like I make every effort to NOT say something that I think will hurt someone's own opinion of their birth experience, but I have a right to be happy and shout from the rooftops, so to speak, about mine. This was especially true for me after my last birth which was an unplanned UC (homebirth part was planned though). I was ELATED that my dh & I (well, really mostly me) had birthed this baby all on our own. To me it was a testiment to how amazing our bodies are and how refined, really, the birth process is. I found it hard not to tell everyone (like the checker at the store who comments on how cute my kid is) that I birthed her on my own. They look especially shocked if they say something like, "oh, she was small?" and I say, "not really - 9lb 8oz". They do one of these:

Makes me smile. Let them be shocked, but let me have my happiness too - and for me that means chatting it up! So be it!

T My huge pet peeve is when I do tell someone about our UC and they say, "Wow - your husband delivered the baby all by himself!?!?"

Nooooo, I delivered (if you must use that word) her. He just helped. Sheesh. He was like a chicken with his head cut off for crying out loud. Thank God I had the ability to labor, push unexpectedly, and still give him orders - poor guy! That just bugs me to no end. Sorry to get so OT!

 

[CryPixie83]

Quote:

Originally Posted by gilamomma It really bugs me when people say I'm brave for having a home birth because it insinuates that I'm putting my child's life at risk or that I am primmitive or something

UGH! I'm 38 weeks now and I swear I've heard "you must be brave" about 1000 times! To me, I'm choosing the safest path. Brave to me, is being educated and still birthing in a hospital giving over complete control to the medical establishment... of course I have other words for it as well, but brave is one of them.

:

During my shower, one of DF's relatives kept asking over and over again where we were having the baby... I've told this woman a million times that we're having a homebirth, and each time she questions me about it. Yes, I'm having the baby at home, yes without drugs, yes it is safe, no I don't need a doctor... Of course this is the same woman who told me that she got her baby the easy way (DF's sister got pregnant from a very bad relationship and this woman adopted the baby) oh and even thoguh I'm cloth diapering (which according to her I'll hate) I'll still need pampers...

:

 

[rad]

Yup, I've also heard the "weren't you scared?" or "Your so brave...". I just ignore those ones.

My favorite was when I was planning my 1st HB and I was telling everyone. They'd go throught he usual "what if something happens", "what about pain relief", blah, blah. blah. After I'd finish telling them about how safe it was and answering all their questions, I'd see thgis wall go up and they'd say "well, Just wait." It pissed me off so much. Just wait until what?!?!

love homebirthing- I

talking about my homebirths. When I do I never say anything that would make other feel bad for their choices. I just tell them how it went. But some how it naever fails, most everyone gets super cold towards me. They treat like I have some sort of disease after that point. Or maybe it's because I'm not really "in the club" so to speak because my babies were born at home and not in a hospital. Oh well, I do love telling whoever will listen about my births. And DH says my face just lights up when someone asks and I get a chance to share how awesome both experiences were.

 

[carrots]

i remember people always saying to me the "just wait" line when I was pregnant with dd#1

: what a way to encourage a mother to be

 

[Greaseball]

Quote:

"you don't get an award for going natural or having a homebirth"

I think someone should make some medals that say "Had a baby without drugs" or "Had a homebirth" and then you could say, "Actually, you do get an award! Look!"

Or maybe a shirt that says "I refused the epidural and all I got was this lousy t-shirt, a healthier mom and a more alert baby."

 

[2+twins]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Greaseball I think someone should make some medals that say "Had a baby without drugs" or "Had a homebirth" and then you could say, "Actually, you do get an award! Look!" Or maybe a shirt that says "I refused the epidural and all I got was this lousy t-shirt, a healthier mom and a more alert baby."

 

[CryPixie83]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Greaseball I think someone should make some medals that say "Had a baby without drugs" or "Had a homebirth" and then you could say, "Actually, you do get an award! Look!" Or maybe a shirt that says "I refused the epidural and all I got was this lousy t-shirt, a healthier mom and a more alert baby."

LOL My DF wants a t-shirt that says that now!

 

[Elyssia]

ROFLMAO!!!

i want a trophy myself
i was thinking that the other night
after i posted this
i have seen where you can have "dummy" trophies made
and thought that would be a great post-birth gift

after my first dd was born i made birth announcements
and used a picture of a fertility symbol/statue
maybe you've seen it
it's carved from stone and is a women squatting
a baby's head coming out of her vagina
and she has this teeth-gritted grimace on her face
south american indian i think
but i think it would look good on a trophy

i like the tshirt idea too
i have been wanting to make up some homebirth shirts
or find some
anybody know a good site to find them??

 

[Victorian]

well, I didn't get an award but I sure got a reward. After my dd birth I could hardly sit or lay back for weeks. after my intact homebirth, I was felt great!

Victoria

 

[tofumama]

I did not have a home birth with either of my kids, but I did deliver them without drugs (mw at a hospital) I admire (and think its cool!) anyone who has a homebirth, b/c well, its how things 'should' be done. That being said, I wonder if people who won't consider it are more than just 'ignorant'. For example, I have a friend, who although IMO is not a good canidate for a homebirth, wanted to have one, but said she said she never would b/c her dh could not be a good support person (which is true) I suggested a doula, etc. but she had a hosp. birth (with drugs/epidural) and would do it that way again if they have another. So, sometimes there are other reasons, that seem important to the mom, even if they don't seem valid to those of you who have done it (hb). Now pg. with my 3rd, I am seriously considering hb or uc, we'll see if I can get past the fear, which is my 'excuse'...

Oh, and the t-shirt idea is GREAT! I want one....

 

[2+twins]

I've seen tons of different "advocacy" t-shirts on www.cafeshops.com (just do a search). I searched for homebirth & got these results:

http://www.cafeshops.com/cp/browse/?...ress&Nao=1&x=0

I know I've seen some cute stuff in there before - like the "I was born at home" baby clothes. And then there's bold stuff too, if you wanna go that way - like a pregnancy t-shirt that said something (from the baby) like "Thank you Mommy for not putting drugs into me". Something to that effect. There's so much there though - you really have to search around.