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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Warning: vent ahead.<br><br>
I am starting to feel as if I don't belong here at MDC. I wear my son, CD, AP, etc., but I can't BF him. I avoid the BF forums, but it seems like everywhere I go lately I see threads about how ff mamas must not be educated enough, dedicated enough, etc. And too often I see posts that say something like "maybe she has a good reason, health issue, etc.", but most of the time people seem to think that if mamas wanted to badly enough they could BF. I know these posts often come with a disclaimer, but to a mama like myself it is like a slap in the face. Especially when the remarks are places other than the BF forums.<br><br>
I do NOT agree with the statement that "Breast is ALWAYS best" b/c for my son formula is actually best. He cannot digest the fat in breastmilk. The fat in his formula is already broken down. If I breastfed him he would literally starve to death. Do I wish I could breastfeed- of course. I was DESPERATE to breastfed him & do childled weaning like I did with ds1. But I can't. I do believe that for 98% of babies breast is always best, but not for all. I guess I just wish that more people here would realize that many mamas who come here are looking for answers, when you know better you do better, so how are mamas supposed to know better if they feel alienated for not doing everything right? Just my thoughts. Please no flames.<br><br>
AmiBeth<br><br>
ETA: The few mamas here who know my ds story have been very supportive of my having to ff, and to them I am deeply grateful. I just feel the majority of threads I read are a bit judgemental of mamas who ff, and how can you judge their reasons if you don't really know their stories?
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>CaliMommie</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I know these posts often come with a disclaimer, but to a mama like myself it is like a slap in the face. Especially when the remarks are places other than the BF forums.</div>
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Do you feel like the disclaimers are a slap in the face because they are trying to acknowledge there are difficult situations, but no one can really know your pain? Do you feel like you have to justify your situation or that people don't believe you?<br><br>
I have encountered this before. I've known moms who couldn't breastfeed and were emotionally broken up about it. My assumption was that since those moms were breastfeeding advocates, they'd be open about the breastfeeding advocacy of others. But whenever the formula feeding mainstream got to be too much, I'd retreat to a breastfeeding friendly place where I, too, could vent, I found I was hurting people. Frankly, it hurt me too that a person I thought was a friend couldn't understand that I'm not saying these things to somehow indirectly slam her. I finally realized that some things are just too close to people and I can't be honest about my feelings on certain issues. On MDC, I try to restrain any overly "yeah, breastfeeding rocks, it totally beats formula feeding" to the Support and Advocacy board.<br><br>
Part of it for me is that I feel like there are people IRL who don't breastfeed. That's fine, I've never said anything to them. But they find out I breastfeed and somehow the feeding thing has to get worked into so many conversations. Sometimes I feel like I'm supposed to give absolution. Over Christmas, I got to hear a friend go on about the reasons she formula fed. Umm, I DON'T CARE! Is that insensitive? I don't think so--her kids are 13 and 16, and she didn't want to be tied down and wanted her husband to be able to give a bottle. Then at one point when Jessie was crying while we were driving somewhere, she told me that that was one good thing about bottle feeding, you can feed one in the car. So I don't think she is upset about it, but somehow wants me to know so I don't think of her as inferior or something. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/headscratch.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="headscratch"><br><br>
So anyway, I feel that I want to differentiate the moms who are really upset about breastfeeding from those who just feel like they have to come up with a good reason or be judged. I've been told I can't make that distinction, but my feeling is that I <b>don't</b> judge someone for not breastfeeding, I just don't want to have to agree with what they are saying when it sounds completely wrong to me. I don't want to be pushed, I guess.<br><br>
Anyway, I'm sorry. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> to you and you are free to vent! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> It's hard to feel like people are just never going to get where you are coming from, but there are so many ways in which this can happen. It does go on a lot, and I've realized that I have to approach it from the angle that what they are saying isn't about <b>me</b> even if I am feeling personally judged.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> to you. My sister only BFed for 3 months, and she was devastated when she had to stop (her midwives recommended she stop).<br>
A lot of times people flame moms for doing things I do. I just don't take it personally. I know I'm doing the best I can, and that's all I can ask of myself. I'm not saying that to imply you're being overly sensitive, because I can only imagine how hard it would be to read some of the posts you've described, but just wanted to point out that there will always be toes that are stepped on in a big community like this one. I hope you can start feeling more welcome!
 

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Mama,<br>
I think you just have to remember where you are. Most mamas here at MDC are passionate about BFing. I think when ff gets bashed, they are NOT talking about the 2% of mothers who literally CANNOT breatfeed!! We all know there are exceptions to every rule. Try not to take it persoanlly!! And fell free to speak up on those threads about your own situation.<br><br>
I know that this is a pretty liberal board & I am not offended when my more conservative values are slammed. I don't take it personally~~I just remember where I am & speak up if I feel the need.<br><br>
You belong here! Chin up girl!! This is the place that we come to blow off steam.......we can't always speak up without stepping on someone's toes.
 

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go read What is happening to MDC? thread..... alot of people are feeling as if they don't belong. We need a group <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/grouphug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="grouphug">
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>stacey31</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Mama,<br>
I think you just have to remember where you are. Most mamas here at MDC are passionate about BFing. I think when ff gets bashed, they are NOT talking about the 2% of mothers who literally CANNOT breatfeed!! We all know there are exceptions to every rule. Try not to take it persoanlly!! And fell free to speak up on those threads about your own situation.<br></div>
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What she said! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
FWIW, I had to stop BF my dd at 4 months. The stress of escaping an abusive relationship reduced my production and what she was getting made her sick and collicky. She was much better when I surrendered and switched her to formula. So, I do understand your situation.<br><br><br><br><br><br>
Tracie (who can't wait to get another chance at it)
 

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That is very sad and must be heart breaking.<br><br>
But like you said 98.8% of women can breastfeed and half of them choose not to. Please know that no one hear is directing comments at you when we talk about certain parents who have chosen not to nurse their children. That's what it is we can't understand and find frustrating: people who make the choice.<br><br>
MDC is a place where we are supportive of each other's parenting choices. One of the things that nearly all mommas here do is breastfeed their kids. This is our safe haven to talk about breastfeeding.<br><br>
We all know there is a small percentage of moms who it doesn't work out for and you are obviously one of those. I don't know a single mother on here who heart isn't breaking for you and your child. Its obvious that you wanted to breastfeed but being a good parent isn't about breastfeeding its about making the best choice for your child's health.<br><br>
If you ever, ever need to talk please talk with me or one of the hundreds of loving women here. There are several mommas I know of who had feeding difficulties of one kind or another that have had to switch to formula.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">s to you momma<br><br>
and <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/grouphug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="grouphug"> to everyone who feels alienated<br><br>
Cant we all jus get along...<br><br>
I have a friend who has to bf and ff cuz she only has one working boob... and her son jus cant get everything he needs to be healthy from it.... I think all mommas need to do whats best for their children.. each persons situation is different...
 

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We used to have a "support for moms who can't bf" tribe here in FYT. Maybe it's still there or archived?<br><br>
I was unsuccessful at inducing lactation to feed my son, who is adopted. I don't take the formula threads too personally now, but during the months after I had to quit, I did. I would always read the bf advocacy forums, and I would always end up not being able to keep my mouth shut and would end up getting into the throes of debate. I think now that it was just that the pain of not being able to bf was so fresh. I just wanted to be understood and I felt very judged.<br><br>
I don't feel that way now. In fact, I've been reading the recent supplementation threads and have found myself more on the side of those who are feeling passionately about not supplementing (for those who don't physically need to). I guess I've been agreeing that bf'ers need a place to vent. It has been a nice feeling to be able to read threads and not take it personally, and it has been a long time in coming.<br><br>
The only time I get offended now is when there are occasionally posts implying that I will not bond as well, or occasionally when there are just some crazy, mean-spirited posts. They are few and far between. Someone once said that bf babies were cuter than ff babies, and more fun to hold. That comment did get my feathers more than a little ruffled!<br><br>
Anyway, I don't know where I"m going with this. I guess I'm just saying that it took a long time, but I do feel I belong now. I think sometimes you have to claim your belonging--if it feels there is no place for you, make a place.<br><br>
I do have to say that my experience with nursing has given me a lot more tolerance and empathy towards moms in a variety of less-than-ideal situations, and that is something that it would be nice if more people would have. I do think you can be passionate and have high standards, yet still be patient, kind, and tolerant of others' situations.<br><br>
Editted to add that I do understand your feelings. I didn't want you to think I was just saying "suck it up". I have been there, and it's impossible to do. It's a process. I also think that your voice needs to be heard.
 

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Another non-bf mama here. The FYT thread is <a href="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/showthread.php?t=48728" target="_blank">http://www.mothering.com/discussions...ad.php?t=48728</a>
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> I know totally how you feel.<br><br>
Only, when I first came here I was hesitant to admit that dd was not being breastfed, because I felt I didn't have a good enough reason. I pumped for her due to nipple confusion and latch problems, which was compounded by my difficult surgical birth and PPD. Even as I type this, I know that there are people here who will judge me for that, and that is very very difficult for me.<br><br>
I think there are a lot of mamas here who will rush to someone's defense when they COULD not breastfeed for various reasons...but they are very quick to judge and bash the mamas who gave up breastfeeding (or never attempted it) due to lack of education and support. Unless you have had a traumatic break in your breastfeeding relationship, or perhaps faced huge obstacles and failed, maybe it is hard to understand what these mothers go through.<br><br>
I know it isn't these mamas job to sugar-coat FF, and that isn't what I'm talking about. I'm not talking about loving formula, or accepting it as equal nutrition. I just wish there was a little more recognition here that there are mamas who, for various reasons, are bottlefeeding, or exclusively pumping. (For example, there are 3 forums dedicated to breastfeeding, but where can mamas go to ask their questions about extended bottlefeeding? exclusive pumping of breastmilk? support for failed/interrupted breastfeeding relationships?)<br><br>
Another <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/grouphug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="grouphug"> I think everyone belongs here. I like to hear the difference of opinions. We're all women with our own unique point of view. I think that makes us stronger, to hear each other clearly and choose our own paths.<br>
As for me, I stopped BF fairly early. I wanted to BF for several months but I had SEVERE PPD, my DH was no help with baby, and I was complely sleep deprived around the clock. I felt like it was ff, or lose my mind. I admire women who make BF work for them. And I totally agree that sometimes it just doesn't work out for everyone. Hang in there mama! We hear you!<br>
Chrissy <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/grouphug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="grouphug">
 

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I couldn't nurse my son due to his severe cleft lip and palate. I for a long time cried every time I read about bfing. I was able to pump for him for a long time, but I missed an integral part of our relationship due to being unable to nurse.<br><br>
I stay out of the breastfeeding forums almost entirely. Lately, I've found a couple of threads about ffing that I've participated in via the New Posts function, which has been nice. I am a bfing advocate, I can't help that. Staying out has helped a lot. Sometimes I have hated that other mothers get to have perfect babies because I see perfect babies with whole faces everywhere I go. It is hard, but MDC has been a lifesaver for me.<br><br>
I've spent a lot of time talking about my situation here. I got a lot of support for it. It was really nice. When I left for a few months, people wondered how Aleksander was. People here were actually paying attention, not just offering random hugs for a rough day. You might be surprised by how much a part of the community you are. If you find things to talk about here that you're passionate about, other than bfing, then you may find you are not so much an outsider. I think this place is just so large that there's a lot of people passionate about very different things, but what we all have in common is the desire to be the best parents we can be and to respect our children to become who they are.<br><br>
I know that it was harder for me early on, but as Aleksander has gotten older, I feel more like I can own my grief for what happened and talk about it when I'm feeling threatened. I think that people don't always phrase things in the best way, but if you share your feelings, they'll apologize, or offer support. I've found that to be very true.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">s I'm sorry your feeling this way.
 

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I think the thing we should all try to remember (including me, though I try, I really do) is that the real people we should be *criticizing* are the formula companies and WIC and doctors with formula samples in the waiting room and parenting magazines that start every issue with a two page ad for formulas and so on. Yes, there are a few mothers who take a seriously lackadaisical attitude toward it (and I'll be the first to criticize *those* people); But, I honestly think that most women who don't have a medical reason for ff do it because of lack of support, poor information, etc. Criticizing them is not much more useful than criticizing the mamas who *do* want to breastfeed and honestly fail. It creates an atmosphere of hostility and exclusivity that makes people less willing to hear what we have to say. That is counterproductive to our goal of making more women listen to us and learn about bf, in addition to shouldering out people like the OP who have a very important voice here.<br><br>
This doesn't mean that I think we should become wishy-washy about the *topic* of formula feeding, and especially about the topics of advocacy and political/social support. Just that we should be more careful about making assumptions about individual choices. Not only because our assumptions could be entirely wrong, but because even if they're right, if our goal is to encourage more women to bf, we undermine that by insulting them and driving them away. I have to wonder how many mainstream mothers have been driven away from these forums, not because the ideas they encountered were too counter-culture or unfamiliar to them, but because they saw themselves being personally insulted. Is this the way to get our message out? Remember that these are public boards, not a private mailing list. Yes, we are here to hear each other out and empathize with each other's frustrations with mainstream; But we're also here to learn from each other, and that means super-AP moms as well as mainstream-but-want-to-do-better moms.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">s ff mama here also for a variety of reason. I stay out of the bf forums and I don't bring it up much. Yeah there have been a few posts that were ruder than they had to be but I understand that. This is an ap/nfl site so I expect the majority of the users to be either breastfeeding or at the least bf advocates so I don't get my feathers ruffled anymore if I see a comment about ff. On more mainstream sites possibly but not here.<br><br>
You belong here, we don't have to all be 120% nfl or ap to post here, at least not IMO. I use a sling, cd, sometimes cosleep but I also have a stroller and a bouncy seat and ff. I also am getting more and more to the nfl side so I figure that balances me out :LOL.
 

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Oh, mama, my heart aches for you. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
You belong here with us! i know what you mean about the forums you speak of, but i believe their hearts are in the right place, but sometimes the comments made are off-putting.<br><br>
I bf all three of my kids, but i am sure because of the bottles i gave (both of ebm and formula) i am not part of the "club". I suppose, if i did it walking back wards in a snowstorm without a coat, no money and lived in my car, well then maybe.....ok, thats sarcastic, but you kwim?<br><br>
You have to do whats best for your child. and giving him formula is whats best for him.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/caffix.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="coffee"> Lisa
 

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calimom<br><br>
I know your story and I just have to say I don't think you should feel bad.<br><br>
That said........I've never said anything to YOU about it I don't think but, in general, I just don't feel it's appropriate to glorify the exceptions to the rule about breastfeeding, considering how anti breastfeeding our society is. It irks me when moms on more "Mainstream" type boards try to tell their story like it's common when it's not. You know what I mean? So.......maybe thats just where other mamas are coming from too.........the POV that situations like yours ARE the exception but we should still be trying to promote breastfeeding.<br><br>
I dunno if that makes sense but I hope you don't take it too personally and I want to say I think you DO belong!!!!!!!!!!<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Amywillo</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Do you feel like the disclaimers are a slap in the face because they are trying to acknowledge there are difficult situations, but no one can really know your pain? Do you feel like you have to justify your situation or that people don't believe you?</div>
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The disclaimers bother me b/c a lot of the time they don't seem to sincerely be acknowledgely the reasons a mama may not BF, as if the disclaimer is added simply b/c the poster knows what they are saying is harshly worded but if they put a disclaimer that makes it ok & no-one should get their feelings hurt by what the post says. And also b/c often times it seems as if the person posting the disclaimer doesn't really believe there are any good reasons not to BF.<br><br>
It's frustrating b/c I stay away from the BF forums, but I still see a lot of BF is better than FF posts elsewhere on the boards.<br><br>
~Thank you mamas for your posts. It helps to hear your stories & to know I am not alone here. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
AmiBeth
 

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I think it's good to check in with people if you're upset about what they wrote. Sometimes, I find this clears up the confusion and makes things clearer. I think it's great that we're talking about this!<br>
Chrissy
 
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