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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'm not sure if this belongs here or in Personal Growth. Please move this if it is the wrong place for it.<br><br>
I had my LO at home, but I ended up having to transfer because I tore and was bleeding everywhere. The midwives didn't know if I was bleeding because I retained some placenta. I had a non-emergency transfer to a near-by hospital with Jamie. I was told that it was a very big tear and I got quite a few stitches. I was given morphine, and I didn't sleep at all the night that I labored, so I was conked out for Jamie's entire first night. I didn't get to be with him or breastfeed him until the next day. I was conscious enough to tell the nurse not to give him a pacifier and to give him formula out of a cup instead of a bottle, so at least I did that. I know that there's no way I could've taken care of him while I was in that state. I couldn't even get up without almost passing out. I had to have a nurse help me to the bathroom. My midwife came to visit me in the hospital the next day and she said that it was good that the nursery took him while I was in that state, and I agree that it was warranted. The nursery is good for those circumstances.<br><br>
Fast forward to now. I read a book to Jamie called Welcome with Love. It's about a homebirth. Near the end, the mother nurses and bonds with her baby and the family all sleep together in one room. It made me remember what happened and my sadness of not being able to bond the entire day like I wanted to. I felt bad when I would pick up my little guy and find four or five pricks on his heel because they would routinely test his blood. I felt like if I was more adamant with them about him staying with me, he wouldn't have to go through that stuff. I know it was impossible to bond with him that first night, but I still feel like maybe I could've at least had him sleep in the room with me or nurse him once. I'm not worried about our bond now. I know he loves me and I love him, and our breastfeeding relationship wasn't compromised by the ordeal, which is something that I worried would happen. I feel like I'm a little less of a homebirther because of the transfer.<br><br>
Another thing that triggered these feelings was sending newborn pictures to my midwife to put on her website. I saw the other babies at home, being snuggled shortly after birth or laying on the parents' bed with the cute clothes their parents carefully put on them. The picture I sent was of Jamie in his isolette wearing the hat and the long-sleeved onesie the nurses put on him. It all makes me so sad that I couldn't have bonded with him for more than a few hours while he was still so little.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> mama! I think it's very normal and appropriate to grieve when your birth doesn't go the way you envisioned it, especially when it concerns the initial bonding time. You were robbed of something that every mother desires, to be close to your newborn and feed and cuddle and learn about him.<br><br>
I don't know if these affirmations of your feelings help, but I hope you can find some peace about your transfer situation, and know that you are no less of a homebirther because you had to transfer. You are a birth warrior just like the rest of us.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love">
 

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I have not had a homebirth, so take my reply with that in mind, BUT -- I think you are being pretty hard on yourself. Birth definitely is not a competition, and just like every other area of life, there will always be someone prettier, smarter, more "accomplished" and, well, maybe what you would call more hard-core about birthing in some way. Y'know?<br><br>
So, sure, you transferred, and sure, you missed that first night you'd dreamed of, and sure, your baby's photo was less "home-y" than others. Try to forget all that! You birthed your beautiful baby on your own terms, and you were wise enough to know when hospital technology was needed!<br><br>
I don't see anything missing in that picture, except you being gentle and loving to yourself.<br><br>
Chin up, mom.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"><br><br>
I hate feelings of regret or nostalgia that things had been different. Those of us who "carry the torch" for homebirthing and insatiably devour ncb books can feel let down if things don't go perfectly. But birth is not always perfect. You made a tough but necessary choice to go to the hospital - it sounds like it was a very wise choice. It wasn't in your ideal vision of the birth but you did the right thing.<br><br>
Although bonding after birth is great, your little baby isn't going to be scarred b/c you couldn't be with him. What matters most is being with him now, isn't it? I hate to see a mama beat herself up over something like this.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Thanks for the support. What I mostly feel is that I let my LO down. I was trying to keep him out of the hospital and away from the sterile environment, bright lights, and blood draws, and I ended up having to exopse him to all of that. The situation was kinda scary for me, but I know it was definitely scary for him, and I feel like I want to do the last part over so I could stay at home and just take a nap instead of being carted away on an ambulance.
 

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You may do this already, but tell Jamie your feelings. Even if he is too little to "get it". Make sure you have covered all of it. Tell him what you wanted for him, explain that you were sick and needed the doctors to help you and subsequently the nurses to help him. You did all you could to get better as fast as possible so that you and him could be together again. You know it was scary in the nursery without you and you are sorry it had to be that way. You will do all you can for him to not have another experience like that in the future. It is a perfect example of what hospitals are for - helping people who have an emergency. It wasn't a deliberate choice. You are together now and both of you are healthy and recovering and that is the best part of the story.<br><br>
If you can get your hands on "What Babies Want" there is a whole section of that movie on this type of "therapy" and mommas re-bonding with their babies because of trauma during or after the birth. Its really interesting and I think it works - even if you don't believe that the baby understands what you are communicating - for YOU to have expressed it and made peace with your lo about it will change your entire attitude and that WILL transfer to him. Do it over and over until you feel better - like during nursing sessions you can talk to him about different parts until you feel you have "patched things up". He will forgive you. You need to forgive you - it was out of your control.<br><br>
Hang in there momma!
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Treeof3</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/10814862"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">You may do this already, but tell Jamie your feelings. Even if he is too little to "get it". Make sure you have covered all of it. Tell him what you wanted for him, explain that you were sick and needed the doctors to help you and subsequently the nurses to help him. You did all you could to get better as fast as possible so that you and him could be together again. You know it was scary in the nursery without you and you are sorry it had to be that way. You will do all you can for him to not have another experience like that in the future. It is a perfect example of what hospitals are for - helping people who have an emergency. It wasn't a deliberate choice. You are together now and both of you are healthy and recovering and that is the best part of the story.<br><br>
If you can get your hands on "What Babies Want" there is a whole section of that movie on this type of "therapy" and mommas re-bonding with their babies because of trauma during or after the birth. Its really interesting and I think it works - even if you don't believe that the baby understands what you are communicating - for YOU to have expressed it and made peace with your lo about it will change your entire attitude and that WILL transfer to him. Do it over and over until you feel better - like during nursing sessions you can talk to him about different parts until you feel you have "patched things up". He will forgive you. You need to forgive you - it was out of your control.<br><br>
Hang in there momma!</div>
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This is great advice.<br><br>
I was actually coming here with the intention of posting a similar thread. I planned a home waterbirth, and after 3 days of laboring at home, reaching full dilation & even pushing some, I transferred to a hospital & had a c-section to help our LO out - ACK! EXACTLY the opposite of what I'd planned for her; not at ALL the warm, peaceful welcome I'd envisioned. Thank goodness she's safe, but I mourn the loss of that welcome. I had a REALLY hard time with it especially my first week home, and now even still, I'm having a hard time looking at the birth montage videos of the other women in my DDC because I so wanted that for my baby and still feel sad that she had such a shock upon her entrance.<br><br>
But I feel good knowing that:<br>
a) She certainly knows she's loved, boy, no doubt about it.<br>
b) Even though initially I felt like I didn't protect her (she was on fetal monitoring, had ultrasounds, etc, all the stuff I'd avoided throughout PG) - and that she was so shocked by the surgery, deep suctioning, not being given right to me, having her cord cut right away, etc - I realize now that I DID protect her. I got her out safely when she needed to get out.<br><br>
It still sucks though.<br><br>
I really really like the idea of talking to her about it. I have, some, but I'll do it more now.<br><br>
Thanks for that.
 

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side...<br>
what if your midwives had not taken you to the hospital?<br>
I know that I make that decision with a very heavy heart - i don't want to transport anyone. BUT when i do it is for a very good reason - a good reason for the mom and the baby!<br>
Be comforted that you are a good mom and that you began being a good mom the moment that your baby was born!
 
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