[umami_mommy]

i wasn't planning on getting an ultrasound. course how did i know i was going be spotting for some unknown reason?

i thought i knew which midwife i was going to be using. but how could i have known how many issues she would have with attending me out here?

mostly though i am depressed about my partner.... errr my dh. (we just got legally married in feb)

i think he is really unhappy with his life. i think he hates his job, hates living under financial strain and hates having to be a grown up with responsibilities. he tells me how much he loves his son and wants another, but he hates lifting a finger around the house to help me. he tells me he wants to live in a house, but he hates maintaining it. last night he complained about how much weed whacking needs to be done, but he hasn't picked it up in a month. so i think he is uphappy, but isn't even aware of it, and he takes it out on me.

so i am depressed, nothing seems to be going the way i wanted and it makes me really sad.

yesterday i did a tarot reading and i got the 2 of air and the the sun card. balance and graditute for blessings, so i guess i need to stop wallowing in the negative and be happy with what i have, but it's really hard sometimes when i feel the way i do. i should just be happy i am pregnant, but always being afraid i'm gonna the lose the baby at any minute sure sucks the joy out of everything.

 

[phillychiquita]

Honeybeedreams,

I feel for you.

If its any consolation, one thing I have realized is that I am the only person my DH feels he can talk to (he doesnt tell his friends his fears, sadness, disappointment) and so once he is able to let it all out, he feels better. But I feel worse. And, Right now while I am pregnant, I know that I need to protect myself and the baby from any extra negativity and fear -- as much as possible -- and so, I really can't worry as much or help him with his feelings about not wanting to grow up -- I can only worry about and control my own feelings. Nevertheless, its easier said than done.

Her's my story -- I share it in the hope that it makes you feel less alone, or gives you some hope: About 4 years ago, my DH hated his job (a company he started with a friend) and was displaying many of the signs you discussed. He was whining about work and finances (he wasnt collecting a salary) but he wasn't making a change. It took him a year longer than me to realize that his job was the big problem and was dragging his self esteem way way down. He started to become very very depressed. People kept saying "What's up with Mike? He isnt himself" and stuff like that. He left his job finally, without anything as back up, and then became even more depressed. He ignored our bills (his job as I was working full time), and me, and everything else. He basically sat around all day on the internet. He hated being "grown up" if this was what grown up was. Finally, I was willing to do whatever it would take to get him out of his funk and I asked him "what big thing do you think you will regret not having done at age 40?" He said "getting a masters degree". I immediately started pushing him towards that saying we'd do whatever was neccessary to get him back to school so that at 40 he wasnt full of regrets about his life. It wasnt the best financial decision, but I didnt care...I knew he needed a change of scenery big time so I pushed hard. I guess I figured that life is too short to go on this way, and if something didnt change, I just knew we werent going to make it as a couple. Like you, it wasnt going the way I wanted, and I couldnt live like that and hold everything together much longer or I felt I would eventually collapse from the pressure.

As a result of my prodding, we had to move cities, and make a huge lifestyle change for the two years he was in school, But, even in school, his depression continued - and finally, we went to couples counseling. After a few months, he really started opening up and talking about how depressed he felt. He eventually started one-on-one counseling and for a short while even used medication (which he was so against, but it helped dramatically). He graduated, got a great new and totally different job, and we moved again. I can see now that it was well worth it and was the beginning of a new chapter for us. He hasnt gotten any better at bills or house projects, but we moved into a house with no lawn so that helped with yard maint. issues! I still do the bills, and carry the bulk of the housework, but he contributes more and realizes that in order to be in a married relationship he has to do certain things to help keep our life in common going...and everyone else in the world does those mundane things too, not just him. Its been a wild and tough few years, but its all made us stronger and closer.

I think its wonderful and okay to be compassionate and listen to your partner, but its also responsible to say "Well lets do something about it if you are unhappy" and move him to take action or get over it. I totally understand that his unhappiness may too much to listen to sometimes (especially now in pregnancy) and you need to tell him that -- Perhaps you can encourage him to talk to someone outside of you about all his worries. I had to say to my DH last week, "I want to be there for you but right now, I can't be. You need to discuss these fears with someone who can help you. Right now it just makes me feel incredibly insecure and afraid you are going to leave".

Focus on being a healthy, peaceful mama so that you can ultimately help yourself and the kids get through whatever changes come your way.

 

[anabellee]

we went through this when ds was born. it just takes time but things will begin to fall into place

 

[ber]

I hope things even out for you!

 

[timneh_mom]

It sounds like you're going through a really hard time, on lots of fronts. Pregnancy can cause stress too, even though it's usually thought of as a happy time, so don't be ashamed about that! My pg is stressing me out too... sometimes I'm not sure I can handle anything around here. Hopefully talking about it will help

 

[Jude Rose]

Good story, Phillychiquita! I love happy endings. Good job getting such shifting change from a man.

Honeybee, I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. I can relate a little. My DH comes home from work somedays just miserable. I can see the weight of the world and teh pressure to suck it up and keep at his job because of our new addition gnaws at him.
Yesterday he did something really smart, though. He was so bummed and said outloud, "I have a pit in my stomach like I want to cry. I should run or something". I pounced on that and said, "Don't let this slip away. You're right and do it!" (He rarely runs-just talks about it, people) Next thing I know he's lugging soem big doors out from upstairs and cleaning his crazy messed up office like a banshee. The cleaning got his heart pumping, endorphins flowing, and most of all, made him feel in control.

Maybe there's something in that story that can help too?

Big

 

[raeinparis]

honeybee.

i was sure i was going to lose ds when i was expecting him. watching medical dramas didn't help!! i'm more relaxed this time but i was superconvinced at the beginning that the pregnancy wasn't viable. but i'm full of "you're very welcome and we're happy you're part of our family."

sorry about your dh. we married legally in may and i can't think about it still...denial is a fine place!

 

[libragirl]

 

[mom2mimi]

I have a hard time finding the joy daily as well, it is such a scary time after a loss. I mourn the loss of the worry free pregnancy, and I don't much like this "club" we are now in. I am hoping once I pass that spot where I mc'd last time I will be able to enjoy it a little more, I hope that happens for you too.

As for your dh, I think he needs to figure out what it is that will make him happy. If he doesn't want to do lawn chores, maybe you should pay a teenager to do them...they are pretty cheap. Ask him what chores he doesn't mind doing and try to figure out when the best times to do them are. For instance, probably not after work but maybe on his days off. For my dh and me living with a mountain of chores we don't want to do is enough to depress the both of us. When I don't want to do something, I tell him and we do it together...that helps a lot!

I wish I could be more help, just know we are all here for you anytime!

 

[umami_mommy]

oh crap, now the DEM that i thought was ging to be able to be my MW just emailed me to say that her husband just took a job out of state.

what a horrible, terrible, no good, very bad week it's been.

 

[raeinparis]

 

[mamabear&babybear]

I'm sorry!! I know there are some days/weeks/months that you would rather just sleep through so you could wake up when things are better.

May you be showered with nothing but happy things next week! We're always here for you, come and vent anytime.

 

[Gray's Mommy]

Honeybeedreams-it sounds like you need a glass of wine & a long bath...I hope things get better for you & DH.

 

[umami_mommy]

my mom just called me, she has some sort of something... maybe a cyst, but they don't know yet on her ovary.

geeze... what else??

 

[mrsuribe]

I'm sorry you're going through this right now. This is such a stressful, scary time for both you and your husband. Try and be there for eachother. You guys need eachother now more than anything. I'll be praying for you guys.

 

[mom2mimi]

Oh man, honeybee! Sending lots of

and peaceful vibes your way.

 

[mamaglee]

 

[mooliette]

, hope things brighten up for you soon. I'm pretty sure my DH went through this stage. Just not wanting to help out, so slowly I started not helping out and all of a sudden the house was always trashed, his laundry never got washed, his basic needs were suddenly left off the weekly or monthly lists etc. He soon realized if he wasn't going to help with me, I wasn't going to help with him.

Hope things get better in DH's mind and spirit as well!!

to both of you