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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
At least with one of my children. I am a SAHM of a 4 year old, a 2 year old and a 5 month old. All boys. My first has always been high needs. Very anxiety ridden and hyper but he has calmed down a bit over the past year. Still has his issues but we are learning his triggers and can put out most fires now pretty easily. My 5 month old son is also high needs. Never can be put down , nurses seemingly non stop, (I get maybe 4 hours ogf sleep a night) and he is very sensitive and startles easy.<br>
BUT my 2 year old son, Aidan is my daily sunrise to sundown struggle. He is defiant in every sense of the word. He is beyond typical toddler. He yells, doesnt talk. He screams, doesnt cry. He slams doors, runs, stomps, crashes, pushes, dives off furniture, etc... And he is built SOLID so he has a tendency to hurt me. Lashes out in anger all day long. All I hear is "NO" screamed at me all day. Every little thing is a battle with him. Putting on his socks is a 10 minute battle that ends in me having to physically hold him down on my lap and force them on, me sweating and him screaming. He never gives up. Time out will not work. I can spend 20 minutes putting him back in thechair. I hate to spank but have had a few moments of desperation where I admit I have spankd and it was disasterous. He was a mess. Just sobbed and screamed forever.<br>
I am exhausted. I spend all day everyday with a child who says no (YELLS no) even when he means yes. I feel like all I do is fight with him all day. I haven't a clue what to do. He is so INTENSE. WHY is he so angry???? I feel like it must be me. I cannot hold him or calm him. If I try to soothe him during a tantrum he freaks out worse.<br>
Also, he is awake at least a dozen times a night. Has regular nightmares. A few night terrors. I feel like it must be stress. BUt I cannot find the source if it. Things are pretty routine here with no major changes recently. I mean, its so samne old I am bored with it. He is great with his babybrother so I knpow that is not it.<br>
I know this is compounded by the fact I am sleep deprived and dealing with two other children. But people are constantly commenting on Aidan being so difficult. I feel they are pointing at me for fault.<br>
I neeed some suggestions. Beyond the whole time out or spanking realm. What worked for you on a personal level? Are there other moms who have been here? I KNOW I am not the only one but somedays I certainly FEEL that way. I just feel like there is a wall here and I cannot reach him. Leaves me feeling helpless and very frusturated.<br>
TIA.<br>
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Tonia <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lady.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lady"><br>
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I just wanted to show my support. It sounds like you are having a tough time lately and I am sorry that it is making you feel so badly and like a failure -- you seem like you are doing the best you can, but I know the other mamas will have some great suggestions...<br><br>
Some of the topics you have written about sound like discipline issues too, I would encourage you to cross post this in gentle discipline... there are some very wise mamas there...<br><br>
Hang in there and keep posting...
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Thanks. I had not thought of the gentle discipline board. Will have to make my way over there. I am having a blah day anyway...this [email protected] rain has been going on for a week now and being stuck in the house isn't helping. I adore my son...I should have added that. I just feel frusturated recently. Like we have hit a dead end here and I cannot figure how to get beyond this point.<br>
Tonia
 

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Can you plan time to spend just with him so he has time that is just for him? Of course ideally this would be good for all of your children. I would try maybe being super positive and lots praise for the good things he does and minimize comments reaction about the negative things...unless of course it is something unsafe. He may have found that being difficult is a great way to getlots of attention. Maybe if you model the idea that good behavior gets even more attention it would help? Have you considered doing allergy testing? I would wonder if that could be part of the grumpiness and seeming angry...just a thought. You could try an incentive chart for good behavior or rewards. At his age you would liekly have to offer rewards on a pretty frequent basis in order for it to work. Like give a sticker if he puts his shoes on nicely etc.
 

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I know someone who went through what you describe until her child was 5 -- and then discovered that he had a lot of severe food allergies to some really common foods. She change his diet and things improved drastically shortly after. I don't really know where to point you... maybe to an allergist? But wanted to put this out there in case its helpful.
 

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I'm so sorry that you are going through this.<br><br>
Mamaduck makes a good point. A friend of mine was having a really tough time with her son and until she figured out that he was allergic to diary.<br><br>
The problems that we had in the toddler years were not as intense as what you are going through, but the thing that helped me the most was this article:<br><br><a href="http://www.continuum-concept.org/reading/whosInControl.html" target="_blank">http://www.continuum-concept.org/rea...InControl.html</a><br><br>
good luck
 

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It could be dairy allergies, it could also be jealousy and insecurity. It must be really hard being a new big brother, especially if he doesn't yet have the verbal skills to deal with all of the feelings he has. I know Alex was very loving and gentle when Isaac was born, but acted up in a lot of ways for a few months.<br>
Can you try giving him a crayon and paper and telling him to draw how he feels? When Alex was in this state, I used to sit him at the piano and tell him to use the piano to tell me. We also used to make a heck of a lot of home-made bread, because that was another way of letting him get his feelings out- all of this works as a distraction technique in the seconds before the tantrum starts.<br>
Once it's going, I've never been able to stop one. I normally just sat on the floor and waited for the lull- you know that point where they're ready for you to step in and soothe and comfort? Then I did. Keep some rescue remedy in the house, it's fantastic stuff.<br>
AND I'd put his wellies on, and his rain clothes, and take him out to jump in puddles. (Put your own wellies on as well.) Being stuck in the house is no fun for anyone, especially when you're two, and it's a good way of being physical in a non-destructive way.<br>
On the small stuff- offer choices on socks (ie which pair does he want to wear today)- put towels over the top of the door so they don't slam properly- and start giving him a hot drink before bedtime. If you don't want to do hot milk, try warmed apple juice with a little cinnamon- it might help him sleep.<br>
Sorry you're going through this- I remember how hard it was. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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I can relate. sometimes I feel like I'm failing as a grown up, <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad">
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
nak.<br>
thank you ladies for the wonderful ressponses. i hadn't thought of allergies. wil have to look into it a bit more. i like the idea of areward chart. i think we will give that a try. thanks.<br>
tonia
 

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I didn't want to read without offering you a <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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It sounds like you're going through a really difficult time right now. For me, it always seems like when I get to that point where I feel like I just can't take it anymore, we are nearing the end of the phase and things start to get better. At least, it helps me to think that way...
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<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">Things are pretty routine here with no major changes recently.</td>
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But your baby is just 5mo, right? That's a pretty recent major change. Many 2yo can seem like they are adjusting to the new sibling with no problem, then when baby is 3 or 4 months old the difficulties begin. A child can be very loving and happy with a new sibling, but still have problems adjusting to the changes in the household.<br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">he is awake at least a dozen times a night. Has regular nightmares. A few night terrors.</td>
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Sleep problems are most likely contributing to the behavior problems during the day. There is nothing more challenging than an over-tired 2yo-- especially when Mom is sleep deprived too.<br><br>
I'm sorry things are so challenging right now. <b>This will pass</b>. I would focus on trying to remain possitive with your little guy. Don't engage in power struggles with him. Sometimes you can just skip the socks <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink"> I love the book <i>Playful Parenting</i> by Lawrence J. Cohen. It's full of great ways to encourage cooperation and connect with your child.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Thank you all for taking the time to respond. Will have to keep reminding myself....this too shall pass. Thanks.<br>
Tonia
 
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