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I have made a variety of bad choices in my life. I married two sex addicts, one I divorced and one I am separated from. I have two children from my first marriage and a 3 month old baby from my second. I have struggled with depression since I was probably 12 years old (I'm 32). I have been in and out of therapy. I recently started to suspect that I have ADD, meeting virtually all of the symptoms I can find for adult women. My older kids are 5 and 7.

I am totally disorganized. My house is a wreck. I am sad all the time. I am angry and irritable. I don't trust my husband. He has been abusive to me but I have also been really abusive to him. I am at the point where I am recognizing how immaturely and recklessly I have behaved and I am just feeling like an unfit mother. I smoked throughout my last pregnancy and I feel horrible for it. I can't cope and I have drank at times in the last few weeks even though my baby is breastfeeding. My 7 year old has not been able to participate in some school activities because I've lost permission slips or neglected to follow through on things she needs. Her schoolwork is suffering and I feel impatient and borderline emotionally abusive when I help her because I am at such a loss as to how to get her to feel competent--she stares at her homework and guesses and I feel *enraged* when I should feel compassion.

I just feel like a horrible person. I want to ask the fathers of my children to take them and take care of them. I don't want my kids to grow up with a mother who can barely take care of herself, let alone them. I don't want them to suffer the consequences of my immaturity and bad decision making. I feel borderline suicidal but at the same time I hate myself so much for even considering the thought, because I *want my children well and happy* and my immobility and self absorption are intolerable to me. I hate myself more for even thinking about it.

I don't expect a forum of strangers to be able to help me. I just have nowhere else to share.
 

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I have no answers and my struggles today (which have left me feeling depressed and at a loss for how to improve things for our children) are minor when compared to your struggles.
All I can offer is a big virtual hug. Sometimes we need to sink to the bottom before being able to rise up to the surface where we can take a deep breath and see a way forward.
 

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Definitely sounds like you should keep using good counseling to help work through your feelings and work with you on some life skills. It's very possible anti-depression and/or ADD meds might help, you could go to a doctor who can prescribe such things. Some kind of tutor for your 7 year old may be helpful since you don't have the patience to work with her on homework, an older student may do well or a professional tutoring program.

Most of the issues you mention are pretty normal. Frustration with children's schoolwork struggles, losing track of paperwork, that kind of thing happens to many of us. Drinking won't hurt the baby, very little gets into breastmilk, my main concern would be that you stay clear headed enough to safely care for the kids if they are awake or might wake up. Also if you find it to hinders your judgement, increases your depression, or becomes something you can't go without it's a sign it needs to quit.

Look into dietary changes and supplements that help these symptoms too. For example some people get clearer thinking and better moods with less gluten or dairy, more fish oil and flax, even just a multivitamin can help balance some deficiencies.

Forget about past regrets, life is about this moment not what came before. What are you going to do right now for your kids and your self?
 

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Thank you for sharing anyway. You are in a really tough spot. I have some friends who are single moms and it can be quite a task (especially if the kids are small). I applaud you for having strength to see it through. Glad that I am here for you to assist you. Sometimes all it takes is a helping hand for a person to feel better ;)
 
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