[sweetmama]

Hi, I have a 4 yo dd and I have wanted to homeschool since before she was born. I've known all along that it would be a huge stretch financially, as would having a child at all, and I think I have kept believing that it would work out somehow, partly as some kind of positive affirmation and partly as a stubborn clinging to a dearly desired fantasy. The closer we get to "school-aged" the more I have to admit that I'm living in a fantasy world. In real life she goes to daycare (at a fabulous place that I love) 3 full days a week so that my partner and I can both work, and frankly we are not coming close to making ends meet.

I've felt lucky so far that her birthday is just after the cutoff for the school year, so it buys us time, we still have almost 2 years before "kindergarten" starts for her.

My passionate way of mothering has been wonderful for my child and wonderful for me, but not so great for my partner. It took a long time for me to be able to leave our child with anyone else, for the first 3 years we worked alternate schedules so that one of us was always with her and thus, avoided childcare. I envisioned us being able to keep that going and flow naturally into homeschooling, but it put such a financial burden on us that our debt has soared out of control and my partner may never forgive me. Homeschooling has become a big issue of me putting my fantasy of perfect motherhood ahead of the reality of what's best for the whole family. Times are rocky, we may yet separate, and then I would be a single working mom, which just makes it even more unlikely.

People ask me all the time if I am still considering homeschooling, and I am feeling so defeated. Most of my friends' kids go to Waldorf which isn't entirely appealing to me, and not much more financially feasible. The thought of public school makes my heart hurt. I just don't want to go down that path, but I am afraid that we'll have to purely for money reasons. I get so excited whenever I read/think about homeschooling, and I don't want to let that go.

Anyhow, since no-one I hang out with IRL homeschools, I thought I would come here to lament. I'm not expecting any miraculous solution, I just wanted to express myself among likeminded folks, thanks, Emily.

 

[merpk]

Emily

so totally empathizing with you, you have no idea (see my post in the "sending kids to preschool if you plan to homeschool" thread).

 

[nonaws]

I feel your saddness. I would like to tell you that you can still homeschool as a supplement after you come home from work or just weekends or even just in the summer. You can give that a try first and see what happens. Maybe start with only one subject or activity that both of you enjoy and work from there. I really hope you the best.

 

[bestjob]

Have you read "Guerrilla Learning" by Grace Llewellyn and Amy Silver? It is subtitled "How to give your kids a real education with or without school" and its ISBN is 0-471-34960-7. It is an excellent resource for people who don't homeschool but who do want to have a positive impact on their kids' education. I have found in it a lot of good that has taken me from disappointment about my kids' education to engagement and a strong belief that I can work with dd's public school.

Visit the "Learning at School" Forum here at MDC. Not all the posts are complaints! Even the ones that are complaints can give you insight into how schools work and pitfalls to avoid. I will also say from experience that if your dd goes to public school she will be well-served by having you for an advocate who believes in true education. It can be found in schools, too, though it is sometimes hidden behind a lot of junk.

 

[sweetmama]

Thanks for the kind words of empathy and support. It's just been so hard to watch this dream becoming more and more distant. I will check into Guerilla Learning, it sounds like it's a great book. It's funny, the responses so far made me realise how much of my desire to homeschool isn't about what I'm afraid she won't get academically, but is more about the whole picture of school socialisation and breaking down of individuality. It has a lot to do with the general environment and structure, which doesn't seem like I can do as much to counter the effects of if she is there all the time.

I live in the town that I grew up in. It's a small community, with no choices of public schools because there's only one. When I graduated there were probably under 125 students per grade level. I admit, part of my reason for not wanting to do public school is because I was so miserable there, and although I was always one of the top in my class, I hated being there and wanted out from the very beginning. I hear things have changed some, but not enough for me to be comfortable with the idea.

And then there's all the other reasons beyond personal baggage (not to invalidate that reason) that I just do not feel like it is the environment that I want to send my child off to spend most of her waking hours in, not to mention mold her and shape her and bend her spirit. The educational part of it is definitely an issue, but it has more to do with how they teach her to learn than it does what I'm afraid she won't learn well enough. Does that make sense?

I don't have any close friends who are sending their children to our public school, everyone seems to be going to Waldorf or undecided as of yet, but even my friends who teach at the PS don't believe in it enough to want to send their children there. It doesn't make me feel much better!

I just love the idea of homeschooling, and although I'm trying to prepare myself for not doing it, I'm really grieving that and not wanting to give up.

 

[Unreal]

I don't know the whole situation, obviously, but I wanted to mention that in our local support group there are several families that homeschool with both parents working full-time. There is at least one single-parent family that I know of as well. It can be done!!

Basically as long as you have a safe, comfortable place for your daughter to stay while you are at work, you can still homeschool at night or on the weekends.

That is one of the wonderful things about homeschooling--learning can take place at any time of the day, not just during school hours.

Are there any homeschool support groups near you? Can your daughter stay with any of those families during the day?
I would really really really suggest finding local families--they are a unbelievable resource!

Lauren

 

[rrr]

quick---find out if your library has back copies of GROWING WITHOUT SCHOOLING magazine. it is no longer published, but constantly checked out.

you will find it really reassuring. my daughter is 7 and we havn't really even started the academic focus yet. we garden we go to dance class. we fold laundry. we minimize tv, except for mr. rogers who feeds our soul. we do occasional homeschool parkplay or fieldtrips.

you have a huge amount of time before your child is in need of and academic education. relax. make a great life. lot's of things could change in the next few years.

rrr

 

[Openskyheart]

((sweetmama))

I totally agree that you have years yet in which to make a decision. However, the following is based on the idea that you may be sending your dd to school at 5 y.o.:

I'm wondering if, in your own mind, you can determine your own hierarchy of choices for your daughter's education.

For example, Homeschool is #1, but that seems difficult to arrange right now. Is your #2 Waldorf or public school? If it's Waldorf, could you start planning for that financial outcome now? Could you go to one of their "A Day in a Waldorf Kindergarten" gatherings? If your second choice is public school, could you go to the public school now, observe the teachers/classes, and decide which teacher you would prefer for your daughter?

Since your dd is 4, it is not unreasonable to start looking at classes now to help you decide what you will do next year. If you have a real picture of what is available to your daughter, rather than just what you've heard from other people, it may help you relax about the situation. OR it may galvanize your resolve to find a way to make homeschooling work.

I have a very good friend who has homeschooled her two boys as a single mom for many years (one is now 18, and the other is 14). It has been hard, but she cobbled childcare together by trading with other homeschooling moms, and somehow made it work because she just couldn't send her kids to the public school. She also ended up working from home as a seamstress. Her input was that when they were young, she thought they'd be completely dependent on her through their teens, but she found out that they could be pretty independent at young ages.

Truthfully, I don't know if I could do it if I were single, and my children were very young. I homeschool my ds (9), and I would feel comfortable leaving him alone for a few hours a day now if I had to work, but I would not have been able to do that when he was 5. (I also have a dd (7)who goes to private school.)

Another point I wanted to make is that no decision you make now is necessarily permanent. My son has been to public school (awful), private school (better, but still a difficult learning environment for him), and now homeschooling (best - but open to change if he wants to).

I feel for you. Education decisions have been some of the most difficult decisions I've had to make as a parent.

Love, Laura

 

[rrr]

for some 5 year olds, school is a great waste of a wonderful life.

same goes for 6,7,8,year olds, etc.

there is no end of people who have glowing reports about their child's kindergarten teacher, but if homeschooling appeals to you, focus on life, instead of school.

GROWING WITHOUT SCHOOLING--look for it.

rrr

 

[wemberly]

Is working at home an option for you? If not now, what about later, perhaps providing homeschooling for another family who chooses not to school, but who can't actually be home to do hs? The money you make providing hs for another family might be enough for your budget if you aren't paying for care or schooling for your own sweet little one, you know? Just something I've thought about in the past...

 

[Velveteen]

I second a lot of these wise mamas. Try to remember that things change, and even if your dd goes to public school, homeschooling could still be in the future, just not right now.
In the meantime, you have two precious years ahead of you!

A great education can still be had, especially with you as an involved parent. After all, you are still your childs first teacher, and will continue to be her advocate always. Lucky girl!

 

[sweetmama]

My computer just lost my reply, and now my family is up and about, grrr!

I am heartened by stories of families that do hs in ways outside the 'norm' of stay-at-home-mom being with the kids and partner working full time. We just can't do it on a single income, and my work is not the kind I can do at home. All I wanted to do was stay home with my child and when I had to go out and work I felt like my grasp on the dream of homeschooling was starting to slip, especially when we started to do daycare. I do know a couple of other families that are in a similar position, so maybe there will be a way to work out some sort of co-op.

Part of my distress comes from the state of my relationship right now. My partner is no longer supportive of hsing, based on the idea that it will keep us from being able to get back on our feet from the financial ruin caused in part by my inability/unwillingness to have our daughter in daycare before she turned 3. I think she (dp) would be so relieved if I decided that PS was all fine and well and I could go back to working 5 days a week.

Sometimes I have total faith in my vision and in abundance, and other times I think maybe I am crazy and not in touch with reality (as dp puts it).

I ordered Guerrilla Learning from the library, and it looks like they have the last year of Growing Without Schooling, but I couldn't find it yesterday. I'll keep trying. Thanks again for your support. Em

 

[rrr]

i bet if our spouse reads GROWING WITHOUT SCHOOLING , he'll get a vision for it. it definitely worked to unite us and relieve our anxiety.

related topic: how can you simplify your life to reduce cost and pay your bills?

we spent a really happy year and a half in a 1969 airstream trailer on my in-laws property, while my husband did a plumbing apprenticeship.

i know some homeschoolers here who live in the country in a yurt.

can you sell cars and buy old volvos instead?

can you sell your house and buy a duplex and pay your mortgage with the rent?

i choose to live low and not have financial pressure dictate my life.

maybe you already have a simple lifestyle, but most don't.

rrr

 

[lilyka]

try to look at your financial situation apart from your descision to homeschool. what can you do now, while school is not in the equation, to get your fancial lif on track. Credit counseling? savings? You said you were happy with her daycare situation can you work more now inpreperation for comeing home in order to pay off debt (notjing keeps you down like debt) What can you sell (not just big stuff, but e-bay too) ? downsize? How much is daycare costing you? how much is working costing you? what do you really make after work related expenses and taxes ? Is it worth it? Could you maybe find another homeschooling mama who needs to work and trade childcare with her two or three days a week? Do you qualify for for WIC or Medicaid? Not a huge benifit but every dollar helps. You may be able to go down from family coverage to couple coverage or you may get some help coving your premium. In my town a family of 4 qualifies if they make $25,000 or less a year. That is pretty comfortable where I live. You never kow. You may qualify.

And don't get discouraged. A lot can change in 2 years. Careful what you say around your partner and just work dilegently right now to make homeschooling a reality. There are lots of things you can do. You can homeschool even while working full time and having your dd in childcare. You can trade stuf with other families. Go ahead and plug into a omeschool group and see what people are willing to work out with you. They are going to much more willing to work with you if they have known you for a couple of years and are your good friend rather than strangers.

You mentioned you can't work from home right now but what about in a couple of years. Is there a skill you can be learning now? Some sort of lessons you can be teaching? Is there some job you can take your child with you for? daycare provider maybe? Maybe even home daycare. Mowing lawns, shoveling snow, delivering papers (don't laugh. Dh and I picked up a shopper route and made $212 a month by doing about 4 hours of work a week. not too shabby. we should look into that again). Tutoring? after school care? After school care is a good one. I was going to do it this year but decided it would drive me crazy, But think about it. If you charge $10 a day, that is $50 a week for about 2-3 hours of work a day. If you had 3 kids that would be $150 a week or $600 a month with almost no overhead (pencils and paper and a small snack and maybe gas to pick them up from school)And you would still have most of your day free weekends and holidays off and summers would set them up for full time care of your regular clients. And school age kids are easy.

Anyway, relax for now and think aboput what you can do to take care of your problems in the present. Think about school when you get there. If you are looking at tuition or childcare expenses anyway, I don't see why this is even a question. Homeschooling doesn't take all day. we do a couple of hours 2 or 3 days a week. and she is a grade level ahead.

 

[lilyka]

Quote:

Originally posted by rrr can you sell your house and buy a duplex and pay your mortgage with the rent?

i just have to say really bad idea. we have been taken to the cleaners by doing this. Everytime someonemves out it cost us over $2000 for cleaning repairs and advertising.

Also outof the 24 months we have owned ours it has sat unrented or with tenants who refused to pay for about 18. It sucks.

 

[Dar]

I imagine that location matters a lot with the duplex idea - my stepdaughter in South Bend started that way and now she has a half dozen rentals and makes big bucks. It worked out pretty well for my friends in the bay area, too, although that was before the crash. Still they had the same tenants the who two years they owned it and there were 50 applicants. South Dakota, OTOH...

I think it comes down to what you're willing to sacrifice to make homeschooling happen. As a single homeschooling mom, I know it isn't easy. You may not get to work at the job you really enjoy, or have the house you want, or eat the foods you really like, or drive the car you want. You don't buy your clothes new, you buy suave shampoo at the grocery outlet. It is a different way of living. It doesn't feel like we're deprived now, because we're used to it, but when I compare us to most people we kow we're very poor.

And yet, Rain does all the classes and stuff she wants, and we make money for that, whereas people we know with more money say they can't. It's priorities, again...

Dar

 

[sweetmama]

I am feeling more hopeful about homeschooling because of this thread. My dd gets so happy whenever she hears that we are going to have a "stay together" day instead of a "children's center" day, it goes a long way to fuel my fire and make me want to find a way, any way to end up hsing.

As far as the children's center goes, we get a hefty scholarship that enables us to actually make money while she is there, instead of just paying it all back to them. I'm not sure about having her there one more day, but I'll think on it. Half of my job is seasonal (landscape maintenance) and the slow season is fast approaching. I do have two potential part time jobs (a couple hours a week each) that I could bring dd with me to, so I think I'll work on that before adding hours at preschool.

We do live fairly simply compared to lots, but not as frugally as some. We don't own our own house. We just moved to a house with higher rent, but it was a complicated decision and hopefull one we won't regret. Our 2 cars are paid in full and we're better off sticking with our reliable cars (not fancy in any way) than selling them for something cheaper. We don't have any health insurance, dd was on medicaid, but things have become complicated with them, and I think that coverage is coming to an end. One of my things to deal with today. We don't have a lot of stuff that would be worth much to anyone else, I just dropped off a bunch of dd's baby clothes to a local consignment store for the first time, I'm hoping to just be able to get clothes for trade soon. Generally speaking, we don't buy new clothes. We are lucky to get good hand-me-downs for most of dd's clothes and grandparents give her something great from hanna andersson for each birthday and christmas.

Most of our money goes to rent, food and credit card debt. Most of our food is paid for with credit cards. A vicious cycle that is about to end by necessity. My partner (another woman BTW) is about to claim bankruptcy. This won't affect my credit, since obviously, in the eyes of the financial and govt world, we're not married, but my credit cards are about maxxed out from using them to make up the difference btwn what we earn and what we spend.

Today I will go to the food bank for the first time in a long time. I will check into energy assistance with winter heating bills. I will figure out if I can get on WIC again. I try to emphasize organic foods when I can, but maybe I need to let that go. We don't eat out, go to movies (hardly ever) or drink lattes.

Okay, I know this is getting long, even for me, but I wanted to respond to some of the detailed suggestions, and it's helping me to think through things clearly.

Dar, thank you for the reminder, it is about deciding what I'm willing to sacrifice. Are you a single homeschooling mom? I don't know any, but I'm glad to know you're out there. If you read this, would you mind telling me more about that and how it works for you and Rain? It's one more angle of how it could look for us in two years time.

I need to check in with the local hs'ers too, I know they're out there. Well busy day off ahead...trying to just keep breathing....

 

[Charles Baudelaire]

I'm sorry to say this, sweetmama, but I think you and your partner may need to look at the possibility of declaring bankruptcy. As you described your financial situation, I was wondering how it was possible that you were barely making ends meet on two jobs when you have a paid day care, two paid-for cars, et cetera -- and then the "credit card debt" thing made it all crystal-clear.

You may not have an option, by the way. From what you're saying, it sounds like you're barely able to make the minimum payments. I would see a bankruptcy attorney right away, really. Yes, your credit will take a hit. You will not be able to buy a house right away, BUT you will be able to reestablish your credit and buy one (if you keep on track) in two years.

Imagine having those vampires off your back. None of my business, so I'm asking this rhetorically, but think of how much you are paying *all of them* per month...and that's probably more than enough money to have you be able to achieve your dream and be a better mom to your child -- the way you want to be in the first place.

Just a thought. I so wish you all well.

 

[lilyka]

Dang

I still think the thing you need to think about right now is reducing/eleminating you debt (remember you have about 2 more years before schooling is even in the equation) Either seek credit counseling, they can do great things with intrest rates and refinancing so that moreof your money goes towards principal instead of intrest. Take advantage of everything you can and stop putting consumables on your credit card even if it means eating ramen for a month. If you absolutely have to file bankruptcy. It doesn't sound like you have a lot to lose anyway (no offense)

good luck.